Samantha writes:

Dear Billy,

Kisses,
Samantha

Dear Samantha:

I’m not sure if you’re a fan of Howard Stern, but he does this thing where chicks go on to his show, nude-up, and ask Howard if they have what it takes to be in Playboy. Howard usually assembles a panel, too…which sometimes features Ralph, BaBa Booey, some of his other sidekicks, and celebrities, too; I saw Biship Don “Magic” Juan and Snoop Dogg commenting on naked girls once. The thing that makes this part of Hoaward’s show work is the brutal honesty of the panels input to the girl.

So, with that said, I’m going to be as brutally honest as I can, and I do it in respect, fairness, and trying to be as decent as possible. I mean no harm or ill will. I really, really appreciate your bravery…not everyone can just send naked pics to a stranger and ask for work in dirty movies. With that said…let’s go!

Your number 1 asset is your blonde hair. Well…and you’re cute, too. Really cute. Blondies are a favorite of most men, hands down. I prefer brunettes with blues eyes…however, when we slap a blondie on the front page of Spunkmouth, we get more sign-ups. That’s the good news. The bad news is your hips…they look pretty big. But so do your tits. And let’s take a closer look at those hips and ass.

Well yea, I’m right here. Your ass is pretty big. Now, don’t get me wrong…some dudes LOVE a big ass. Especially black guys! Are you gonna plan on doing interracial? Cause the brothas are gonna luv you! And since you’re blonde, I can book you for Blacks On Blondes right away…but I’d love to see you drop about 20. Let’s take a closer look at your face…and your tits.

Well. There’s no doubt about it. You’re cute. Really cute. Your boobs have a slightly odd shape to them, but nothing that would keep you from getting work. And it appears your eyebrows are blonde, too…are you natural? Does the carpet match the drapes? If so, I’d highly recommend you grow that pussy a bit to show off your natural blondeness!

Now on to your side shot:

Damn girl. Some more good things – no tats! Unless you’re hiding something (your hand is on your ass in one shot…maybe there’s a small tat?) But look at those hooker shoes! My weiner is stiff just looking at those!!! But see…you got a small love handle happening there, on your backside…by your arm.

My final assesment is as follows: you’re definately porn material. With a make-up artist and the right clothes, you can definately make a web surfer’s day and help him launch a few loads. You’re as hot as say…JOMG’s Dasha. But right now, you’re a $600 – $700 girl (for b/g sex scenes). Wanna be a $900 girl? Wanna be as hot as say Kelly Kline? Hit the gym. No more potatoes, pasta, or bread. Do the stairmaster. Yoga. Anything cardio. High reps/low weight if you wanna lift weights.

In 3-4 months, you’ll be smokin’ hot.

Please e-mail me back. Let’s get you in front of a camera soon.

Your pal, Billy.

AG writes:

my name is a. g.,im 22,mexican and salvadoreno.im 5’5 ,weight 135.black hair,brown eyes,brown skin.I live in the area of san fernando valley in california,usa.my birthday is july 5 of 1983.my yahoo e-mail is agonzalez91331(at) yahoo (dot) com. i do want to make adult videos .please respond back . thanks you for reading my mail. here is my pic

Dear AG.

Hmmmm. I’m not too sure here, bro. But before I get into the whole porn star thang, let’s talk about your writing skills. See, Once Upon A Time, and a long time ago it was, I used to teach English. I’ve taught at every grade level from 7 to community college…and dude, I gotta tell ya, I think you slept through my classes.

But that’s cool, cause who needs writing skills these days, anyway? Porn stars certainly don’t! In fact, there’s not too many who could write themselves out of a paper bag…and that’s OK. Cause to be a male pornstar, all ya gotta have is length, girth, and a big pop shot…and keep it hard from start to end. Hell, these days, I’ll even take a money shot for one of my scenes over length and girth.

Rant time. I think I’ll also digress here, too.

Lately all my male talent has been sucking ass when it comes to the money shot. Don’t get me wrong – they’re OK. But nothing even remotely close to huge. Or even big. And let’s not even think of comparing any of the dudes I’ve shot lately to Peter North.

Here’s the problem as I see it: all the male talent are draining their balls way too much. That is to say, they’re over booking themselves, and then, to make matters worse, they’re actually having sex in their private lives.

How dare them.

See…men are a wholly simplistic creation. We walk around, act like assholes, and spread our seed as far and wide as possible. That’s pretty much it, as far as I can tell. So when male talent walks on to my set, fucks a girl for me, and then dribbles his seed hardly anywhere…and then tries to make some silly excuse as to why he didn’t pop, I simply giggle inside.

Who are they trying to fool?

I mean, I’m a dude. I know how testicles work. Don’t cum for a few days, let ’em fill up, and BAM! You’re Peter North. (Actually, here’s a little secret: don’t cum for a day or two, then beat your meat till you’re about to cum…and right before you’re ready to upload, STOP. Repeat two more times, and then BA-BOOM!!! When you blow your wad, you’re Peter North).

Anyway, let’s get back to you, AG. I assume when you tell me you want to “make adult videos” that means you want to be male talent. Honestly, I think you look kinda funny, and odds are, since you’re from South of the Border, you’re hung like a cocktail weiner. But I might be wrong. So, if you’re 7 inches from base to tip (not balls to tip) and you think you can keep it hard when a bunch of strangers are watching you fuck a porn girl, and if you can fuck the porn girl really hard for like 25 minutes before you cum, and hot, bright lights don’t bother you too much, I’ll give ya a shot. Just hit me up on my e-mail, Hermano.

One last thing AG – and to all the other male porn star wannabes out there: when you describe yourself to a porn producer, forget about your eyes, and your hair, and your body weight. Just tell ’em how big your dick is.

Cause no matter what your girl tells you, size matters.

D. writes:

Thank you and keep up the great websites you run.

Hi D!

Cool new name – “porn star escort”. PSE. Did you come up with that? Ha. Funny.

Yes, you can get laid if you call yourself a porno producer. Just book the girl through an agency, get yourself an AIM test, and you’re good to go. For the most part. I mean you have to be legit, have some sort of production company, and show your wares before you can just book a girl, hold a camera, and fuck her.

Your only obstacle could be what you mention – having someone take you seriously. It isn’t about being an old, bald, hairy dude with a 5 and 1/2 inch dick…it’s simply that no one knows who you are. And until a few folks know who you are, you’re gonna have a tough time booking girls. And sorry, I can’t vouch for you. I mean you sound like an OK guy, with lots of fancy writing skills…but that’s just not enough.

I think I will write a book on Porno Land someday. Maybe even write a movie about it – Boogie Nights meets One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Or The Girl Next Door meets Girl, Interrupted. Something like that.

Oh, and thanks for the nice words about my dirty websites. I try!