Category Archives: random rants

Aubree Valentine: The Porn Star Who Does it All!

Aubree Valentine pretty pretty!When it comes to porn stars, few can compare to the amazing talent of Aubree Valentine. This gorgeous brunette performer has been making waves in the world of adult entertainment since she first stepped on the scene! Her passionate performances have made her one of the most sought after performers in the industry. Let’s take a closer look at what makes Aubree Valentine so special and why she is quickly becoming a fan favorite — especially on Reddit.

Aubree’s Performance Style
Aubree’s performance style is intense and electrifying – from the moment she appears on screen, you know that you are in for a wild ride! She has an incredible ability to draw viewers in with her seductive eye contact, before turning up the heat with some serious sexual energy. From deep throat blowjobs to intense “boy-girl” scenes, Aubree knows how to put on an incredible show that will leave you begging for more. And she doesn’t shy away from pushing boundaries either – as evidenced by her recent gonzo porn flick “She Worships Dick!” Aubree was booked for a BJ scene, but couldn’t help herself. In other words, Aubree was willing to go above and beyond for a mind-blowing experience! Don’t believe me? Here’s a little taste from behind the scenes at The Dick Suckers!


Aubree Valentine worships the dick!

Her Signature Move
One thing that sets Aubree apart from other performers is her signature move – worshipping dick! She loves nothing more than getting down on her knees and devoting all of her attention to pleasuring her scene partner’s penis with expert tonguework. In “She Worships Dick!”, the part of Mr. POV is played by Zac Wild! Look at Aubree worshipping his boner! Her enthusiasm sucking dick shows in every performance, as does her eagerness to please time and time again. And when it comes to taking it up a notch, Aubree doesn’t flinch. Recently, she surprised everyone by going from a blowjob scene straight into some hardcore penetration! Talk about pushing boundaries!

Aubree Valentine loves Semen!Cumshots Galore
Finally, let’s talk about cumshots – because what would an Aubree Valentine performance be without them? This starlet absolutely loves taking loads all over her beautiful face! Then, she’ll finish off with an incredibly hot solo masturbation scene where she rubs one out while the cum drips off of her cheeks! It’s no wonder why fans are captivated by this gorgeous performer! Aubree truly knows how to put out an amazing scene!

If you’re looking for someone who can bring your fantasies to life then look no further than Aubree Valentine. This talented performer has quickly become a fan favorite thanks to her passion for pleasing and willingness to push boundaries for maximum pleasure. Her signature move – worshipping dick – is sure to leave you breathless and craving more each time you watch it. With cumshots galore and plenty of intense scenes, there’s something here for everyone – so don’t miss out on all the fun that Aubree has to offer today!

Consider the Stunt Cock.

The Stunt Cocks
The Stunt Cocks
With all the ranting and raving I do about the crazy girls in this biz, I really don’t say much about the dudes…who might be even crazier.

I don’t talk much about the Stunt Cocks — cause let’s face it — almost on one cares about them. I’m sure there’s a handful of fans who pay some attention, but no where near the amount the average Stunt Cock thinks. And with the exception of maybe 3 or 4 Stunt Cocks in the history of the biz (John Holmes, Peter North, Ron Jeremy, and now, James Deen), none of these dudes really even deserve a name.

OK. Add Manuel…and maybe Nacho. Vince Voyeur? John Leslie? PT? Lex Steele? Dingo?

Don’t get me wrong. I could never be a Stunt Cock. There’s no way I could walk on to some director’s set, meet a Porno Princess, and drill her for 30 or 40 minutes while the camera rolls (after taking pictures, too). I’d either lose my nut (in a matter of minutes), if I could even get my totally average ween up at all. So, when I say these dudes don’t deserve a name, it’s not due to to anything more than this: fans wanna see, hear, and feel the girls.

They don’t want to hear Stunt Cock, listen to Stunt Cock commentary and/or jokes, and they certainly don’t want to hear Stunt Cock blow his load. Which why I said they don’t really need a name, and why I don’t really talk about them — until now. So, as I sit here, watching a Led Zeppelin show (1970’s Royal Albert Hall from the DVD set), I thought I’d tell ya a Stunt Cock story.

Cause I have so many.

I could tell you about Paranoid Schizo Stunt Cock, who once told me I wear t-shirts to purposefully distract him to the point of failure. “Which t-shirts, exactly?” I asked. He replied, “you know which ones!” I said, “why would I want you to fail on my set when I have to turn this in to my producer? If you fail, I fail…and none of us will get paid.” He couldn’t really answer that…but it didn’t stop him from texting me the next morning at 5am to let me know he was across the street from my studio, and “didn’t know what he was about to do.”

I could tell you about Angry Stunt Cock, who showed up an hour late for a blow bang. “You’re over an hour late, bro…sorry. We started without you. Maybe next time.” He yelled, “YOU TOLD ME TO BE HERE AT 12!” I said, “no, I didn’t.” He screamed the same thing at me again…just in case I didn’t hear him the first time. “I sent out a group text to everyone. You and the other 8 guys. How did they all manage to make it on time?” He left angry, and then continued to fight with me over that one for weeks. And weeks. Via calls and text messages. Before he finally just left me alone.

I could tell you about Whispering Stunt Cock who called me one cold winter day and told me to leave LA immediately. “Why?” I asked. “Cause some serious shit is gonna go down.” I asked, “what kind of serious shit?” He replied, “mass power outages. Then riots. Then murderous rampages that will cost thousands of lives. It’ll be bloody and brutal. Please leave Billy. I’m telling you this cause I care about you.” I said, “I appreciate your care. When will this happen exactly?” He answered, “immediately after the Super Bowl.” So I said, “when this doesn’t happen, is it OK to give you shit about this phone call…and the fact you’re whispering all this information to me?” Lowering the whisper even more, I could barely hear “Yes”.

I could tell you that Whispering Stunt Cock showed up at my studio, not long after the Superbowl, begging me to put down my camera and quit porn, cause he just had a conversation with God. “You just spoke with God?” I asked. “Yes,” he said. This time without whispering. I asked, “and God told you to tell me to quit porn?” He answered, “yes. He wants Spring Thomas to quit, too.” Then he sprinted into my studio, where I was about to shoot a 10-man blowbang, and he started asking everyone to leave. Which is when I asked him to leave. Which he did. Which, to this day, I can’t believe he did…and I only had to ask him to leave once.

Which is my cheap segue into the story I really wanna tell you, cause it just happened the other day. This is the story of Mentally Challenged Stunt Cock. I’ve decided to name him that because I think he may be. How else would you explain someone showing up late — and with a civilian girl — after years and years of being told specifically not to? This isn’t an exaggeration. Since 2006, when he first did it, I said, “Why are you bringing three girls to set today?” He replied, “These are nice, sweet girls.” I said, “I didn’t ask you that. No more bringing strangers to my set. EVER.” And then, as the years raced by, there would be times when he’d only show up late. Then with girls and late. Then just late. Then late, with girls. Then just late. Over and over and over: always late, sometimes with a girl…or girls. And looking back at it all now, I’m at fault for letting it go on as long as I did…but last week I decided it was over. When he walked in late with his newest girl, I put my foot down. “Leave,” I said. Mentally Challenged Stunt Cock refused. We went back and forth another 10 minutes or so.

“Leave.” “No.” “Leave.” “No.”

It didn’t matter if I yelled LEAVE or not, he wasn’t going anywhere. It was another one of those crazy blow bangs, so I pulled the shoot. “Everyone go home,” I said. “No shoot today.”

This is when the group turned on him, which I knew would happen. I was secretly hoping someone would take a swing at him, but no such luck. But as the yelling continued, Mentally Challenged Stunt Cock finally had had enough. “I’m going out to my car and getting my gun, and when I get back here I’m shooting the place up.” Which is when Porno Princess started crying.

I didn’t take his threat seriously, but that didn’t stop me from dialing 911. What if today was The Day? What if he decided it was his turn to pull a Steve Driver? That’s something I couldn’t have on my conscience.

“I’m calling the cops, please leave.” He said, “I’m calling the cops, too!” I said, “That’s interesting. Let’s see…you’re trespassing and you just made a terroristic threat. I’ve done nothing but ask you to leave after you’ve done something I’ve asked you not to do for 6 or 7 years.”

Mentally Challenged Stunt Cock finally did leave my studio, but he didn’t go home. And when the cops showed, he did too. Which is when he shouted, “There he is, officers! There’s Billy Watson! He’s the one who’s shooting underage girls! You also might want to check for his shooting permits!”

I forgot to mention that, before the cops showed, Mentally Challenged Stunt Cock texted me: The cops are on their way! I will guide them to ur studio. U are shooting minors, u don’t have a permit and I wanna use a condom

When I got it, I didn’t think Mentally Challenged Stunt Cock would really do that…but he did. In fact, the first two squads that arrived were responding to Mentally Challenged Stunt Cock’s 911 call. How do I know that? Cause they told me. “Hello Officers. My name is Billy Watson. I was the one who called 911. That individual refused to leave my workplace and told everyone here he was going to shoot the place up.” Officer Friendly said, “We’re not responding to your call. We’re responding to his. We need to see her ID” and the officer pointed at Porno Princess. (She’s 27).

A couple more squads pulled up, and they were responding to me, and it didn’t take too long for LAPD to figure out who was lying…and who was telling the truth. Hours later, Mentally Challenged Stunt Cock was still dealing with cops as his female friend cried. “The lady has requested we take her back to the station,” Officer Friendly told me after I asked what was up, “so a friend or family member can come get her.” A few minutes later, I peered out me door, and everyone was gone.

Some good came from all this: Permits are on the way, and I’ve just added one more person to the list of people who are permanently banned from my set. It’s a list that’s three names long, which is one less that the four I’ve just told you about.

A Decade of Smut

Avril Hall POV
free Avril Hall POV movies
My 10th year in the Jizz Biz came and went a few months ago, and I’m finally getting around to talking about it now. Not that’s it a difficult thing to talk about, and I really wanted to blog about it the first week of August — August 2 to be exact — cause it was 02 August 2002 when I walked out of my Professor Office at the English Department and placed an ad in a weekly rag that said something along the lines of PORN STARS MAKE MORE MONEY IN ONE DAY THAN MOST PEOPLE MAKE IN TWO WEEKS. I had no idea what to expect from that ad…or really anything that went along with a career as a pornographer: the nutty models, the crazy fans, the dysfunctional relationships, or the social stigma.

Rereading that last sentence makes me sound naive. Or ignorant. Maybe a little bit of both.

I never thought about how making smut videos would effect future relationships with women — women both in and out of the industry. I knew “civilian” women wouldn’t be too thrilled about having a dude who made dirty movies for a living; I had no idea it would make a relationship virtually impossible. I never knew it would be equally impossible to maintain any sort of relationship with one of the models as well. I’ve told you these stories.

By the way, I point the finger at myself. I don’t wanna come off as The Sane One surrounded by all The Crazies.

For a while, I was thinking 2012 was gonna be it. After 10 years, I was all done. I’ve changed my mind, at least for the foreseeable future. I like my job, more than I ever have, and I know a great deal of that has to do with the slowdown. “The Perfect Storm” nearly killed Porno, but, in the end, it’s made my life a little easier. I still make a decent living, but it’s not like The Good Ole Days.

The Perfect Storm: the near-meltdown of the US Economy at the end of 2008, which is the same time the Tube Sites exploded in popularity, which is the same time DVD production, for the most part, died and went to Heaven.

The Perfect Storm reduced my work by 2/3’s, which has allowed me to stay (somewhat) sane.

My family’s always been involved in a cyclical business (they started it 8 years before WWII did) and they’ve always said, “when biz goes down, it’s always a good thing…cause it shakes the trees and gets rid of this shit.”

Porn Trees shook hard, and a lot of the shit has gone away…hopefully for good. There’s other interesting things that’s happened since, and part of it is the damage the storm left as far as a model’s longevity is concerned. Pre-’08, I think a “good career” spanned about the same time as an NFL player’s did…3 years. I think if a model can get steady, consistent work through a calendar year in 2013, that’s pretty fucking good. Some people think there’s “no more” Porn Stars, but I won’t go that far.

So much has changed in 10 years. I’ve never heard of a business model imploding in such a short time. I don’t mean the internet model, either. When I got to Porno Valley in 2002, there were “internet rates” and “DVD rates”, and our rates were 20 – 30% lower; in addition, the DVD Crews thought the Internet Guys were a joke. They predicted a rapid demise, and some even licensed their content to web sites for next-to-nothing. Some models wouldn’t even take an “Internet” gig. And when they did, you could almost hear The Agent smirk on the other end of the phone when he said, “Oh, it’s just an internet site? Then her boy-girl rate is $700 instead of $1100. And if you’re looking, I know a producer that will license his entire library to you for $8000. I’m pretty sure there’s hundreds of titles.”

Anyway, the storm seems to have passed. And as far as me…well, I’m good for a while longer. Maybe a good while.

What else am I gonna do?

Porn Star Screen Test #2: Natalie Norton (before Madison Fox).

Natalie Norton Madison Fox interracial sex movies
YouTube, in their infinite wisdom, has pulled Natalie Norton’s screen test from my You Tube channel.

Their canned explanation: The YouTube Community has flagged one or more of your videos as inappropriate. Once a video is flagged, it is reviewed by the YouTube Team against our Community Guidelines. Upon review, we have determined that the following video(s) contain content in violation of these guidelines, and have been disabled:

Porn Star Screen Test #2: Natalie Norton – (billywatson3)

YouTube is not a shock site. It’s not okay to post gross-out videos of accidents, dead bodies or similar things intended to be shocking, sensational or disrespectful. If your video is graphic or disturbing, it can only remain on the site where supported by appropriate educational or documentary information.

Your account has received one Community Guidelines warning strike, which will expire in six months. Additional violations may result in the temporary disabling of your ability to post content to YouTube and/or the permanent termination of your account.

I’m not quite sure how anyone could interpret Natalie’s screen test as a “gross-out videos of accidents, dead bodies or similar things intended to be shocking, sensational or disrespectful”. And I’m not saying that cause it’s mine, and I’m putting my Prude Shoes on as I read their e-mail.

I dunno if you saw it, but Natalie plays with her boobs under her shirt for the first 20 seconds or so. I’m not even sure you can say she was playing with them…in any sort of sexy way. I’d love to ask the You Tube Team member how Natalie’s video comes close to any of the hundreds of videos I’ve seen of micro-bikinis, people hurting themselves (I’m sure on purpose, too) and all the other content found there.

Oh well. I’m gonna figure out how to embed the videos here, on the blog, so I don’t have to fuck with the super-smart, super-insightful You Tube Team members.

While I’m ranting, why stop now?

I’m a gook-boy fan for Andy Warhol, and I love most everything he’s done. I love his original screen tests. As living portraits, they’re simply amazing, and they show just one small sliver of his genius. Warhol, like almost everyone who’s way ahead of their time, is easy to rip-off, and that’s exactly what I did.

Not that Andy himself never ripped off an idea.

Anyway, I’ve got 30 (give or take) “Porn Star Screen Tests” I shot in the fall of ’08. Most are girls. Some are dudes. They’re nothing more than a living portrait of a person during 3 minutes of their life. Nothing more. No one is gonna appear on screen and dump a load, or scare them, or try to fuck them…even though almost all the feedback I’ve gotten on these wants to know why not?

What aren’t you dumping a load on these whores?!

Why don’t you scare them!

Etc etc…

So far, out of the 38,770 views Kristina’s screen test has, 17 people “like” it, 88 don’t…and 38,665 don’t give a shit. This makes perfect sense. In addition, almost all of the comments on the two that are still up — Kristina Rose’s and Tara Lynn Foxx’s — are in Spanish. I guess someone is embedding the videos from a Spanish-speaking country (duh) but the videos are so new, the demographics You Tube provides aren’t showing up in my nifty, You Tube admin.

Oh well.

Anyway, I posted a still from Marcel Duchamp’s screen test Warhol shot in ’66 (or so). He’s another hero. Duchamp played a chess match with a naked lady at the Pasadena Museum at his retrospective. I think the year was 1963.

I wonder if You Tube would allow that video to remain…if someone would have shot it. Pictures exist (Google it!), but no video I know of.

Kinda gross — a naked lady playing chess with a pervy, old man.

Certainly shocking.

Very sensational.

And really, really disrespectful.

Marcel Duchamp Screen Test

Are You a Fan Boy?

the typical porn fan
The first time I met a Porno Princess in the flesh was 1992. I was living in Dallas, peddling stocks and bonds, and after the market would close the crew would jam into a couple of cars and head to Caligula’s, where we would patronize strippers and wolf down their late lunch buffet before we’d head back to the office to start cold calling the West Coast.

A lot of the strip joints along Northwest Highway like to label themselves “Men’s Clubs”, and they’d play it up with nice tables, cushy sofas and over-sized chairs, and afternoon buffets with (believe it or not) edible food. They were fine, but I always preferred slumming it in the sleazy joints on Harry Hinds Blvd where C-grade strippers would give handies under the table for twenty bucks.

One day we busted into “Calig’s” and there, right in front of my very eyes, was Keisha. I missed her name on the marquee out front, but there was no missing her inside, working all the members of The Lonely Hearts Club who referred to themselves as “regulars”.

Strip joints in the afternoon — like getting wasted in the afternoon — was always a favorite of mine.

The only thing that surprised me more than Keisha working the stage? Keisha signing and selling stuff after her routine! I went straight for the cheezy, who-knows-what-kind-of-entity-owns-this ATM, and pulled out a couple hundred bucks (which cost me $10). Then, I stood in line.

I got lap dances from Keisha! She sat in my lap and whispered dirty things in my ear while she signed stuff!! I walked out with a couple of signed Polaroids (she had to shake them dry before they were good to go), a signed VHS, as well as a personally inscribed message on the inside of the bill of my SST baseball cap: “Billy, I want to taste your sweet cum! XOXO Keisha”. (SST was a punk label, and some of my favorite bands (Meat Puppets, Husker Dü, Minutemen) were SST bands).

Imagine that! A personal, heartfelt message from none other than adult superstar Keisha! And back at the office a couple hours later, it was show-and-tell time…and they all envied my super sweet Keisha swag.

How times have changed. I used to be a fan. I guess I still am. I like true amateur porn featuring people we’ve never seen before, but the problem is it’s scarce; in addition, I make smutty sleaze for a living now, and if I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a zillion times: if you wanna cure yourself of your Porno Fanboydom, just start making it for a living.

Not that I ever really was. My porno consumption in the old days was about every other week; I’d venture into Tower Records and see what new smut hit the shelves, and I’d rent a couple titles. I never bought a tape. I was a renter. And I preferred Tower Records to the porno shops, cause the Sleaze Factor was way diminished at Tower. And I always hated taking my smut to the counter, especially when a girl was behind the register. I’m sure you remember that feeling, too.

When VHS machines started selling for under a couple hundred bucks, I bought a second one so I could dupe scenes I liked, and a few favorites went on a compilation tape not unlike the one David hands Andy in “40 Year Old Virgin” — except mine was called Billy’s Boner Jams ’96.

After Keisha, I never met a Porno Princess until I met Phyllisha Anne at one of the very first Porno Webmaster Conventions ever held (New Orleans, 1999). By now, I was in the biz, and instead of “will you sign my cap?” my question was, “are you bookable, and how much to shoot you?” I would like to think Phyllisha Ann found my naïve question charming. “Oh, I’m bookable! When do you wanna work? How about in a couple hours? And how much you got in budget?”

Other than writing a letter and sending it to their PO Box (which wasn’t easy information to obtain, I suppose) there really wasn’t much of a way to communicate with your favorite Porno Princess…unless you lived in Porn Valley, I suppose. And then I guess it was total luck if you ran into one at, say, the produce section of Ralph’s…and had the balls to say hello.

Super creepy fun at Ralph’s!

Thank God for the internet! Thank God for mySpace!! Thank God for Twitter!!! Thank God for Facebook!!!!

Now you can tell your favorite Porno Princess all about your 10 inch cock, and send them the big cock pics you found online and say it’s you! Then tell your favorite girl how much you love them!! Try to arrange a meeting!! Feedback is immediate, too! No waiting around for a SASE to come back. You can communicate with your favorite Stunt Cock! Even producers and directors!! Then, when they don’t respond accordingly, you can tell them how much you hate them. You can get into all sorts of graphic detail about how much they suck, how much better you fuck, or how much better you take pictures and make movies; and, when they still don’t respond the way you want, you get really adventurous and post personal information like real names, addresses, family members…even make death threats! Then, after you grow bored, or you’re blocked out of their life, move on to the next!

Woot woot!

Thank God for the internet.

In Defense of Pornography.

Madison Scott free hand job movies
If you haven’t heard, this past week has been a stressful one for Porn Valley, as there’s been a confirmed case of HIV. Due to privacy laws, no one — at this point — is certain of Patient Zero’s identity. And the only way we’re gonna know for sure is if Patient Zero stands up in the crowd, raises his hand, and says, “it’s me.” And in the meantime, Patient Zero, anyone who banged him, and the people down a couple levels have had their name removed from the database (and added to a quarantine list) that producers/directors check to make sure a performer is up to snuff with testing.

Which is the way it should be.

This is a business where everyone seems to know everyone else, so rumors are flying: a gay-for-pay performer who has appeared in some straights scenes and, up til recently, advertised his services at Rentboy (“Pimp Yourself Now!” – Rentboy’s motto) is a bettor’s favorite for being Patient Zero — at even money.

He also dates a (former) female performer; in fact, there’s a handful of bi-sex scenes featuring said performers as they bang (and get banged) by various boys: June 25th – Today I’m debuting a brand new interaction shoot with the boy next door Cameron who brought along his real life girlfriend Casey to get in on the fun. July 2 – The games continues with Cameron and Casey. Watch us heat things up as we finish off our spin the bottle game and get to the real fun. July 10 – With the games over its raw action from here on out watch us takes thing to the next level before we wrap up this smoking hot shoot.

Raw action? Hmm. Unless I’m totally missing the something here, raw action means barebackin’ means sex sans condom means insane behavior in the world of gay sex between men — unless practiced by a monogamous couple who know each other’s sexual histories very well.

I’d like to add no one knows who, exactly, Patient Zero is right now — except Patient Zero and the administrators at the clinic where most of today’s performers get their monthly health check-up.

I’d also like to add that the two performers listed at Club Dean (“Cameron” and “Casey”) are, in fact, MIA…and removed from their agency’s web site.

Where there’s smoke there’s fire?

All of the people in Porn Valley make their living in a controversial, hotly debated industry. Sex is a controversial, hotly debated topic…especially in the great country I call home. I’m not so narrow-minded as to wonder why some people hate what we do; I wonder, however, why the people who attack us most viciously are often our best customers.

All jobs have their risks, and each and every sex worker knows what they’re getting into — whether or not they want to admit it.

A quick Google search to make a point:

Commercial Fishing: 129 deaths per 100,000 people employed in the industry and 61 injuries per 100,000 for 2008.

The Timber Industry includes loggers, lumberjacks, and helpers. It held the Number One spot for many years with 92.4 deaths per 100,000 workers in 2006 – a decrease from 118 in 2002. In 2008, fatalities increased to 116 Deaths per 100,000 workers.

Collectors of Refuse and Recyclables – Garbage Collectors and Professional Recyclers. These jobs have increased in numbers and have become deadlier. With the increasing number of businesses, dwellings, and vehicles in America, drivers and material movers are at increased risk of traffic-related accidents and/or being some other way injured by their machinery. Drivers of trucks and other sorts of commercial vehicles are more at risk as greater numbers of vehicles are put onto the streets as populations grow.

I could go on and on and talk about people who install power lines, cops and firefighters, oil and gas crews, cement makers, cabbies and chauffeurs, slaughter house employees and security guards…but I won’t.

People like eating fish; they’re ok talking about that, too. People like using products made from wood; they’re ok talking about that, too. Same goes for all the other jobs listed above…except when it comes to their masturbatory habits, which is something almost no one likes to talk about — let alone even admit.

There’s ways to make all workers safe…and safer. I dunno what lumberjacks do to protect themselves, nor garbage men, nor the fine folks who install our power lines.

I do know sex workers get tested every 30 days for HIV, chlamydia, and gonorrhea, as well as bi-annually for syphilis…and I think it’s time the male talent all start wearing rubbers, too. But that isn’t the case…yet.

The problem?

You silly pervs don’t like to buy safe porn. Kills “the fantasy”. Puts an “artificial barrier” between the actors. And, for you really twisted, sick fucks who dig interracial sex, how in the world can a white girl get knocked up by a black dude who’s wearing a rubber?

So Cal OSHA steps in, makes condom use mandatory in California; hence, all the producers flee Cal OSHA’s regulations (and Porn Valley) to places like Vegas and Miami…or, as I refer to them, the left and right armpits of America.

Not really. Gary, Indiana is actually the armpit of America. Well, that and Trenton, New Jersey.

I won’t shoot porn where it’s illegal to shoot porn, which leaves me LA County and New Hampshire, and I don’t see much of a porn scene there.

So, I’ll continue to shoot in Los Angeles, and I’m gonna keep my male talent pool limited to the dudes who, for the most part, are straight (yea, I’m laughing, too), and I’ll welcome mandatory condom use if (and when) it ever happens (don’t get me started on an actor’s First Amendment right to Free Expression, which includes the right to express oneself without using a condom) and I’m sure, like each and every HIV case I’ve made it through, this, like all other things, shall pass.

Mind if I keep ranting? Cause just a few days ago Madison Scott agreed to do a silly article appearing in my hometown paper, and it really pissed me off.

Once upon a time I wasn’t involved with the sex industry, and during that time I liked to beat off using pornography. It’s a great masturbatory aid — the world’s most cost effective masturbatory aid — and that’s all I ever used it for. Which is to say I fast-forwarded through the silly acting and dumb, dumb dialogue and went right to the fucking, where I’d FF through when it got boring, to the pop shot, where I usually popped. This took anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes, and at that time I’d either start, resume, or end my day (with a better-than-average night’s rest).

I also like to drink from time to time. I’ll gamble when I’m in Vegas (up to my loss limit of $50)…but I’ve never, ever smoked a cigarette.

I know lots of people with drinking problems. A lot of them smoke while they’re drinking, too. In fact, it’s taken the life of more than one of my family members.

I know lots of people who gamble. A lot of them smoke while they’re gambling, too. In fact, it’s taken tolls on relationships (and bank accounts) of more than one of my friends.

Gambling, smoking, boozing, and beating off are just a few things that make life worth living. They’re super fun to do (well, I can’t argue for smoking, but I’ll take it from the smokers), as long as you do them within reason (except smoking, which, at last count, is killing 1200 people PER DAY), and while I hate to see people let their vices ruin their lives, I’m certainly not about to advocate outlawing them.

I am an advocate to population control, and I think smoking is doing a great job of that…but I often wonder why the Shelly Luebens of the world aren’t spending their time eliminating smoking, which, in addition to killing a while bunch of people, is draining our health care system. I mean how about at least help the Porno Princesses quit smoking, Shelly?

Well, cause it’s easy to point the finger at porn.

Are you getting tired of my rant? Cause I’m getting tired of writing it…but real quick, lemme add something: before I got into porn, I couldn’t imagine what would make a cute, wholesome girl commit filthy, despicable acts for the world to see. Before I got into porn, I thought The Bang Bus was real. Before I got into porn, I really thought someone held a gun to Linda Lovelace’s head and made her suck a bunch of cock. Before I got into porn, I really thought Traci Lords was stoned for 3 years straight and didn’t know what she was doing.

Before I got into porn…

If you took the time to read Madison Scott’s story, let me clarify a few things: she didn’t make a million dollars in porn, and she didn’t spend anywhere near that on drugs to cure herself from STD’s, and she didn’t spend anywhere near that on drugs to party with; in reality, I never saw one dirty AIM test for Madison Scott (and I’ve looked at MANY) and I know Madison Scott didn’t party to excess (she was too busy taking care of her little girl).

I do know Madison Scott feels like she has a lot of explaining to do (mainly to people who don’t give a shit about her) about her porn career, and instead of just telling people something like, hey, I fucked and sucked a whole bunch for a lot money, and now I’m broke cause I never really learned how to manage it, let’s just tell something The People want to hear. Something that will make sense to Them. And make me, Madison Scott, look like a good girl who made a terrible, terrible mistake…such a big one that I’m gonna ask The Big Man to forgive me — cause that’s the only way The People will.

Besides, how else am I gonna get my kid good daycare after everyone finds out I was a porn star?

OK — rant over. I could go on and on. I was gonna address my friend Mark G. from Down Under and his silly statements attacking porn, but they’re so ‘tarded they don’t even justify being addressed, and I’ve ranted enough, and besides, I got the new Superchunk record, and it’s way better than I thought it was gonna be, which is a great surprise, so I’m gonna so listen to some ‘Chunk and enjoy the rest of my Saturday editing porn and listening to music at unhealthy levels.

My poor ears.

But, in the end, when I’m a deaf old man, and I can’t hear what the nurse says to me while I get my sponge bath, I’m gonna blame myself — not the music.

Former Child Actress Now A Porn Star — it’s Aryanna Star.

Former Child Actress Aryanna Star sex movies
A site called Media Take Out — “the most visited urban website in the world” — has reported that porn star Aryanna Star was, at one time, a child actress who appeared on an 80’s TV show called A Different World.

I’d link back to them, but their reporting is so fucking terrible they don’t deserve it; in fact, anyone who had a hand in writing this entry deserves a sock in the nose…but I would never hit a person. It’s against my good nature.

Why do they deserve to get smacked around? The same reason any erroneous reporter deserves to be smacked around — cause they’re erroneous. There’s nothing more sacred than The Truth. There’s nothing more powerful than The Written Word. And there’s nothing worse than a journalist who doesn’t know the facts.

Well, I can think of some stuff that’s worse — the leak in the Gulf of Mexico right now that BP is responsible for; Fox News; a poorly-made latte; women forced to wear berkas and denied basic civil liberties; Iron Man 2; the holocaust; as well as the latest Jack White project, “Dead Weather”.

Media Take Out’s big fuck up? Their description of Aryanna’s Cumbang scene: “the men were all wearing CONFEDERATE FLAG T-SHIRTS . . . and they spit on her and called her THE N WORD while they did their business with her.”

Fucking dopes! Not once is the “N WORD” dropped in Cumbang — in any scene — including Aryanna’s.

Fucking morons! Not once is a girl spit on in Cumbang — in any scene — including Aryanna’s.

Cumbang is simply a revenge site. Think of it as a sanction for African-American women who want to even the score. Why? Well, it’s very simple: all the women on this site have black boyfriends who have cheated on them with a snowbunny.

Or Snow Bunny.

Just depends on how you want to write it out.

If I was a black woman, I’d place Snow Bunny on the list I just gave for Everything Bad in The World — right after Jack White’s new band.

Can you think of a better place to get revenge on your cheatin’ ass niggah boyfriend than with a buncha dirty, red-neck crackers in a warehouse somewhere outside of Hemet, CA?

I think not.

OK Ok ok — fine. Here’s the link to Media Take Out’s entry I’m referring to. I’ll go ahead and give it out just so you can read some of the General Publics’ reaction to this whole deal.

Some of the comments made my morning.

The best reaction, however, is the e-mail my producer just received: hey people, i read this post late and i am very concerned. the site that show this young lady in action is which is owned by D&E media, LLC which is headquartered in east orange, nj. as I type this I have e-mailed and written letters to the following: oprah winfrey, Michael baisden, al sharpton and the national action network, 100 blacks in law enforcement, the NJ attorney-general, the us attorney-general, the NJ governors office, all the NJ state senators(one of which lives in the same town this company is headquartered), all the NJ assembly people who represent this district, both us senators from NJ, all the us congress people from this area, the FBI, the IRS, the department of justice, as well as the mayor of the city of east orange. if all of you do the same as me, this company and the trash they produce will be eliminated and they will be no more. although most of their work is protected by the first amendment, they are going well beyond what protects them in the constitution. black women don’t deserve this treatment, for that much, people don’t deserve this treatment

At least this dude got his facts straight about the dirty web sites Ms. Starr has appeared on — if she appeared on Ghetto Gaggers at all.

I’ve shot Aryanna a whole buncha times — twice for Gloryhole-Initiations, once for Cumbang, and once for the world’s greatest interracial website — Blacks on Blondes.

We took a trip to some infamous gloryholes around the SoCal area. Here’s some free Aryanna Star Gloryhole pictures and movies. In fact, she had such a good time, Aryanna came back for seconds.

You already know about her Cumbang appearance — here’s some free Aryanna Star Cumbang pictures and movies.

Finally, Aryanna played a farmer raising chickens with her hubby (played by Byron Long). They try and secure a loan from the bank, and the lending officer, Brooklyn Jade, visits their chicken farm — only to deny them the loan. (You know what happens next). Here’s some free Aryanna Starr pictures and movies from her Blacks on Blondes scene.

Oh, and before you start hating on me, and talkin’ shit about how I had them play chicken farmers cause black people loved fried chicken, just know that there’s a dude who lives close to a studio I use who really raises chickens, and they were loud that day, and to save our editor a ton of post-production work, we just went with the chicken thang.

Here’s my last word on this for today: there are freaky gals who love to get their freak on. They love it. Some of them love it so much they star in dirty movies. They love having sex for the world to see, and they hate sitting at a desk (probably like you’re doing right now) for 40 hours a week pushing papers around. They love working a few hours a week and making wages in excess of the 40-hour-a-week wage earner. They love the attention they get off set. They’re not coerced to make dirty movies. They’re not on drugs. They’re simply doing a job they love to do.

The only thing that really fucks up most porno people is the society who condemns them for what they do; the same ones who just dropped a nut all over the place watching — and loving — the freaky behavior they put down the first chance they get. These are the ones who are married and haven’t banged their wives since the closing night of the Salt Lake City Olympic Games — mainly cause the only people they have sex with on any sort of regular basis are hookers or mistresses…or themselves.

I refer to them as conservative Republicans.

Former Child Actress Aryanna Star sex movies

Would You Marry A Porn Star?

Ashton Pierce hand job job movies
Charlie Hustles posted on Adult DVD Talk: Would you marry a pornstar? I’ve come to the conclusion that this is most likely my destiny, hahaha.

Funny…I’m not laughing.

Some of the responses (if you don’t feel like wading through multiple pages of posts):

I’d love it. Just as long as she didn’t lie about things and everything was out in the open. And as long as she still has some fucking left in her for me when she gets home.

Um — hate to break the news to ya, but most are pathological liars, and when they get home to you, they’re fucked out.

Me married to a hot lesbian pornstar? Definately 🙂

Um — the last one I hung out with for a few months turned to me one night and said, “I’m a lesbian. I think you should know that.” Needless to say, we ain’t hanging out no mo’. I love lesbians, too! The problem was — The Lesbian didn’t like me.

I guess I’d just as soon marry a porn star as anyone but she’s signing a prenuptial that says she can’t divorce me if she gives me an STD.


Not really thinking about marriage at the moment, but with my mum’s desperate and constant nagging for me to get married I am sure that my mum wouldn’t mind! I reckon it would be cool – your wife would have lots of great funny stories to tell that would keep you amused (and probably turned on) well into your twilight years and long after your pecker ceases functioning.

Yes, your mum would mind. She might not pretend to mind, but she would. At least at first. And funny stories? Like the time she tore her vag from too much rough sex on set? Or the “Stunt Cock with The Stinky Balls” story? Or how ’bout the “Producer Who Would Only Give Me Work as Long as I Fucked Him” story? There’s a whole barrel o’ laughs just there.

Definitely. She’d all of a sudden become a little more exclusive to her projects, she’d make a few well placed promotional appearances, take some dance lessons, and hit the feature dance circuit. I’d be right there with the camera taking the $15.00 Polaroids. I’d then set up the website and then we’d venture into selling personalized scenes where’d she play directly to the person paying for the scene. Then I’d self produce a best of disk something like; E is for Eva, or G is for Gianna, and sell them along with the polaroid. The way I figure it, an autographed Polaroid and a disk for $40 or so, would probably net an extra $5,000 a w/e. We’d retire to a beach in Costa Rica after 5 years or so.

See Urban Diction for the definition of “Suitcase Pimp”. And no, you wouldn’t be able to retire anywhere after 5 years…not even Costa Rica.

I’d marry Amy Reid, Audrey Bitoni, Cassandra Calogera, Claire Dames, Holly West, Mindy Main, Priya Rai, Sativa Rose, Taryn Thomas or Taylor St. Claire but only if they were still shooting porn and they would marry me too. It’s hard to marry somebody if they won’t marry you back. Unfortunately, most of these ladies are taken and far from thinking about marrying me, but I’m pretty sure I’d marry each and every one if they proposed.

“If” being the operative word.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t marry a pornstar. I’ve never known, dated, fucked or lived with a pornstar. If I met a pornstar that I knew was a pornstar I would take whatever I could get, let alone her and I being married. Hello, my name is D_____ E___, and this is my wife, Sadie West. Sounds good to me. At the very least you would get to hear about some interesting things. I think pornstars are interesting. I read the interviews. Some of the girls are fucking smart. Ashli Orion. So is Ashlynn Brooke. Dana Dearmond. Why would you not want to marry a young, cool, sexy girl? It doesn’t make any sense. I mean, in the long run, yes, the relationship is going to end, but all of them end, and almost none of them involve a woman who knows how to fuck. Companionship can be overrated sometimes.

I dunno even where to begin with this one. Some of these girls are fucking smart. Some. And just ’cause they’re fucking on camera doesn’t mean they know how to fuck.

I dont think I could ever marry a pornstar, like so many have said the fantasy of the situation would be crushed under the weight of the reality. As an everyday guy I know that no matter how accepting of a woman career I would be there would still be that part of me that would be totally jealous. Imagine that you were married to your favorite pornstar and you had your ordinary job. At first you think it is so cool and hot that you are married to a woman that so many guys want. After a while the comments start and at first they dont bother you because the guys that make them can only imagine what you get. Then after a little while they start to bother you. Then comes the day where she isnt in the mood to be with you and most guys would be frustrated and understanding, but in the back of your mind it like not in the mood to be with me, but she is going to go and bang a guy in a scene tomorrow. I personally wouldnt want to guilt my wife into sex by saying oh you’ll do it for your job but I am married to you and I cant get any. You could say it is all a job all you want but at the end of the day she is still getting physical needs met from that job and mental and emotional needs met from you. While for most guys you maybe getting your physical needs met, your getting mental and emotional anguish in return.

This is my favorite post. And with that, I’ll go ahead and make this more fun: If I was gonna marry a porn star right now, it would be Ashton Pierce, who beat out (by an ever so slight margin) Katie St. Ives. The bronze would go to Hannah West. (As if marrying me would merit a medal of any sort).

Who’s Ashton Pierce?

Well, she used to be Christie West — for a heartbeat. Then she quit for a while, and now she’s back as Kristie West. And I dunno why, but damn, this girl pushes my buttons.

Whatever those buttons may be. I say that cause they seem to be changing all the time. The only constant with me is the following — it seems after I’ve secured a relationship, I want out. Is there some sort of psychoanalytical nonsense that might enlighten me to my condition?


But yea, I’d hook up with Ashton for sure, and we’d run off to Vegas and get hitched, and for a few months we’d be as happy as clams (pardon the cliché) and then, after an issue or two or three, it would be over.

Cause, in the end, aren’t all relationships a cliché?

Christie West job job movies

Blame it on Yoko.

Odd-Bjoern Hjelmeset blaming porn
Whenever somebody points the finger and starts up The Blame Game, I like to call it “The Blame It on Yoko Effect”.

Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you’ve
Heard this one before
Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you’ve heard this one before

Hey — here’s an idea: next time you fuck up, and it’s 100% your fault, why don’t you just blame it on Yoko? Serious. Let’s say you’re at work, you go way past deadline cause you’ve been fucking up, and Boss calls you into the office and demands an explanation, instead of blaming coworkers, or your health, or some other fucked up bullshit, just say to Boss, “Boss, I know you’re not gonna believe this, but I blame Yoko.”

Say it with a straight face, too.

Yoko, of course, being Yoko Ono, a woman everyone loves to hate, and who had absolutely nothing to do with “breaking up The Beatles”. We could go back and forth about why and how The Beatles broke up, and I’ll maintain — throughout our friendly discussion — Yoko is innocent. (Any four human beings who are forced to spend every waking moment of every day working their ass off couldn’t make it a year together, let alone almost a decade…especially if they aren’t banging each other (ie Fleetwood Mac (not that Fleetwood Mac achieved anything remotely close to The Beatles (they were just a quick, handy comparison)))).

How come no one blames themselves anymore for bad behavior? Especially when it comes to sexy shit?

See the silver medal around Odd’s neck? Well, it ain’t gold…cause he watched a whole lotta porn in Vancouver.

Uh huh.

(By the way, what kind of name is Odd? Oh! Those silly Norwegians. Norwegia must be a kooky place.)

I’m not defending smut cause I make it; I’m defending smut cause it ain’t the cause.

My very favorite vice of late is The Dr. Drew Franchise: the utterly brilliant Celebrity Rehab…which just followed his utterly brilliant show featuring a bunch o’ whacky “sex addicts”.

Sex addiction is a sham. Avoidance behavior is very real.

Who wants to work a 10 hour day when beating off is way more fun? Especially when you hate your job.

Who wants to bang the same person they’ve been banging since 1986? Especially when that person is 100 pounds overweight and snores like a freight train.

Let me clarify: you can’t be addicted the sex the same way as you’re addicted to chemicals. Sex is an out, which can work out really well, mainly cause it feels good; or, it can work out really bad, cause when it feels good, you can often lose control.

Who wants to deal with the real issue at hand? What would you rather do? Spend hours (and thousands of dollars) at The Shrink’s office dealing with your shitty marriage? Your shitty childhood?

How ’bout a stint in rehab?

Or, just bust a nut or two or three or four or five and carry on with your day?

Then, when confronted on the matter — blame porn.

Blame your addiction to sex.

Just don’t blame yourself for goodness sakes. That’s a sign for the weak and weary.

Why deal with the origins of the enormous pressures athletes put on themselves to win at any cost when you can just blame porn!

To me, Bill Maher is as close to The Voice of Reason we have for this day and age. He went on a Tiger Woods rant during his last show…as well as a rant that’s similar to mine. I won’t rehash, but he thinks sex addiction is bullshit, too; “You want to know the surest way that you can spot a ‘sex addict?’ He’s got a penis.”

If only I had said it first.

Karl Rove Divorced — Again.

Charles Bukowski poem The Genius of the Crowd
I’m on a roll lately.

Rant n’ Roll.

So today I wake up and take care of my addictions: first, caffeine & sugar, and then the news.

Karl Rove, Senior Advisor and Deputy Chief of Staff to former President GWBush II, has just sealed his second divorce. If you don’t know him, or kinda know him, let me enlighten you: Mr. Rove was Barn Boss over at the Office of Political Affairs, the Office of Public Liaison, and the White House Office of Strategic Initiatives during what could be called the most conservative administration in modern history; in addition, he was a former Republican political consultant and strategist, as well as part of a vast team that, to this day, is The Defender of Family Values and Everything Good & Right.

You gotta hand it to him on one thing, though…he got all the above without a college diploma. “I lack at this point one math class, which I can take by exam, and my foreign language requirement,” he once said. Sounds familiar, huh? It kinda makes sense, though, that someone like Bush Jr would hire a dude without an degree to head up a political team — even at the state level. Political Science degrees are kinda like History degrees are kinda like Justice Studies degrees…which is to say almost every one of my Flunky Jock Pals “earned” one.

Including me.

I hate the right wingers. It’s not cause they’d like to riddle my kind with a sub-machine gun, it’s cause my biggest revenue source wants me terminated. It’s cause they fight for family values after multiple divorces. It’s cause they hate fags but cruise the airport’s men’s room after a long flight. It’s cause they preach monogamy, but use your money to fly to exotic places to bang their mistresses. It’s cause they’re stupid enough to believe abstinence programs in high school work. They’re Name Callers and War Mongers and love to frighten everyone. They want to crucify drug addicts — right after they score. They criticize without following up with solutions. They’re the first to pass judgment and the first to cite Jesus.

And then there’s the Democrats.


Let me catch my breath. In the meantime, check out my very favorite poet and one of my very favorite poems.

Every time I hear another Stupid Conservative Hypocrite suffering from Diarrhea of The Mouth, I think of this:

The Genius Of The Crowd
Charles Bukowski

there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art