Fuck me, I’m exhausted. I started at 9 this morning, and it’s quarter to 11; I just wolfed down my dinner (one of those Carl Jr. burgers without the bun, marketed directly to the Dr. Aktins freaks, along with some onion rings, a diet Coke, and a yummy Carl’s Jr. chocolate cake – the one with just a dab o’ vanilla icing on top) and now it’s time to write.

And why not talk about my day?

You know, I’ve been resisting any and all temptations to talk about Erin Moore and her alter-ego, Ruth Blackwell, just cause the site isn’t launched yet. And I won’t spill a lot of the beans about the site anytime soon, but a little something won’t hurt, right? Cause Ruth was my 11 am shoot this morning – the first of the day – and I teamed her up with Kori Kreams, a brand new porno chick who’s shot about 5 scenes. Kori’s so new she doesn’t know to look into the camera while she’s being fucked, and she giggles at everything that supposed to be sexy (cause she’s nervous) and but she got big ol’ DD fun bags, so why not book her?

Today’s male talent: Brian Pumper.

A lot of people bag on Pumper, and it’s not hard to see why. I won’t go into details now, but lately Pumper’s come around, and it’s made me book him more and more. One thing about Pumper – you can count on his dick staying hard from start to end, he’ll do almost anything you ask, and he’s such a perv it simply adds to the overall perv factor for any scene. Plus, he’s always been polite to me, so why not book him?

Around 10 this morning, as I’m finishing up my coffee, my phone rings, and it’s an 800 number. So I think about any bills I haven’t paid lately, and my student loan comes to mind, so I don’t answer.

And after it stops ringing, my phone rings again, with the same 800 number. I answer, and a computer generated voice of a lady says there’s someone on the phone from the Los Angeles County Jail that would like to speak with me…and her voice cuts out and I hear Brian Pumper identify himself. Computer lady comes back on and asks me to push 3 to accept the charge, and 9 to decline.

Maybe it was 9 to accept and 3 to decline.

I think hard and long. Do I want to accept, listen to what he has to say, and possibly be asked to post his bail? Or do I press the number that will make him go away for the time being?

I accept. Of course I accept. It’s the kind of guy I am, for real. If you got tossed in the slam and called, I’d probably accept your call, too.

But there’s a problem. Computer Lady knows it’s a cell when I press the magic button, and she says to me I can’t accept a collect call from my cell, and she hangs up midsentence.

Now what? I need my scene, and honestly, I need to at least get word to Pumper’s people he’s locked down. So I do both – Ace is my go-to man, and I call Pump’s crew up and let them know where their man is.

Ace is my main man, lately, for a few reasons. He’s a good guy to have around, he doesn’t bug anyone, he’s packing a whole bunch of heat, and he can fuck and talk at the same time. All you really need to be a male porn star, really.

Did I mention Cherry Poppens has been my production assistant lately? I think so…although I kinda had to fire her last week. She flaked on a work day, like most porno girls do…so I was pissed for a few days, but I’m over it.

The few days I was pissed my man Faceblaster stepped in, and he’s a good PA too, cause he can hold a light as well as blast about a gallon of sperm in a girlie’s face if need be.

But Cherry’s good, too, cause she can hold a light as well as bend over and take a blast to the face, again, if need be.

So I’m covered lately on PA’s.

I feel like I’m rambling, and I think I am…so maybe it’s time to wind down. I mean I could go on and on…about the guys behind the studio, building a brand new apartment comlex, and their pounding and pounding and poudning nails all day long…or the wind storm that made something tick on my ceiling right after the carpenters quit pounding, forcing me to climb up on to the roof and make it stop, or Katie Thomas, and her crazy bullshit. Or the ManoJob scene I shot with Cherry Poppens.

But I’ll wind down. Really, I will.

Around 5 pm my phone rings, and it’s Pumper, and he’s telling me how sorry he is, but a long time ago some dude stole his wallet, and it seems this same dude like to rob people as a living, cause he recently was almost nabbed robbing someone else, and somehow the cops thought Pumper was their man cause when he stole Pumper’s wallet, he stole his identity, but it was the ID thief that was trying to rob whoever whenever, and once the cops figured out Pumper and this dude were, in fact, two different people, they let Pumper go.

Did that make sense?

Plus, according to Pumper, he kept telling the cops, over and over, I am Brian Pumper! Adult Film Star!! and sure enough, a few cops recognized him, and that hurried the Freedom Process up a bit. Good thing for me, cause I need him Friday. He’s going to pound the living daylights out of Ruth Blackwell and Alexa Lynn.

Well, if he doesn’t get arrested again.

(Not The Real) Ron Jeremy writes:

Hi Billy,

-and of course banging white chicks He is a very fascinating and scary character, I feel a site based on his life would do well. Many are enticed by the gangsta life but never come near it. During the course of your filming I am sure you would get some great quotes from the crazed negro. You could then make t-shirts base on them. In no time wesley would be an icon. The site would include a blog of “deep thoughts by wesley”. There is one issue I see that you would have to navigate and that is how to successfully videotape all of his antics while not becoming an accessory to crime. Give this some serious thought Billy, I bet it would make money.

Hi Ron!

I think, as a whole, getting and reading your e-mails makes my week. It really does. Any time anyone makes me laugh, it makes my day. Sometimes my week. And, on rare times, my month. And of course I take all your e-mails seriously, as I am going to do with this…so let me address it directly, right now.

I think there’s a site based on Wes. I don’t recall what it is, but I’ll ask next time I see him, which should be soon. See…in the old days, Wes was kinda dogged by his (relatively) weak pop shot. He can fuck like a champ, but when it came time to pop, it just wasn’t all there. I think Wes would be the first to agree with me.

I’m assuming you’re a guy, as I am, and we all know, being guys, that’s there’s really one major reason why, when it comes time to cum, and there’s not much of a pop, that occurs: your ball sac is empty.

Now, in my case, an empty ball sac means I’m beating my meat too much.

I have no idea why or how your balls get drained.

Wesley’s balls are drained cause Wesley fucks a whole bunch, and let me tell you (for the most part) who/what he fucks: pretty white girls. Pretty white girls who are really into scary black guys. (He also likes Asian girls, and, I think black girls, but I’m not too sure on the black girl thing. In other words, don’t quote me on the black girl thang).

Anways, recently Wes raised his rates, and that’s a really good thing, cause while he still fucks a bunch of pretty white girls off camera, he’s not doing it as much on camera, which means lately, his pop has been really very strong. So, in addition to a great rap, and a great performer, you now get a pop to go along with it.

I’m a big Wesley fan. Always have been. I think he’s one of the best…maybe one of the best ever. I wish I could use him all the time, cause I would. I’ve even thought about making a documentary on his life. I don’t think there would be much spear sharpening, or many beat-downs on whitey cause whitey’s white, and I don’t think Wes has any kids…other than that, I’m not going to comment on Mr. Wesley Pipes and what goes on in his private life, other than to say he’s one of the most dangerous people I know, and I really like working with him, and, in addition to a good co-worker, I consider Wes a friend.

And no, no t-shirts.

As Wesley would say, that ain’t my bidniss.