Category Archives: Here’s the Skinny on Your Favorite Star

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

Me n’ Andi.

4 Comments

Andi Anderson

So I’m writing this in the present tense, cause I’m sitting here thinking what the fuck do I blog about today?

I ask the Minion, sitting across the office from me cutting the newest Manojob scene, “Hey, what kooky porn whore should I blog about today?”

Almost immediately he replies, “Thea Marie! Talk about how much she hated taking Mike hash’s load all over her face!”

I think for a second. Possibility. I could also talk about how Thea’s an artist, and how she told Gia Paloma, her make-up artist before the scene, that she was an artist, and how she needed to get certified in oil painting so she could get gallery shows and make lots of money.

But there really isn’t much of a story there, right? A cum hating, certificate seeking artist, blowing a dude to make ends meet, doesn’t really make for good blog fodder — or does it?

“What about a second Minion interview?” The Minion asked.

I don’t really answer, cause I’m not really paying attention, cause I’m searching my pics folder on my hard drive to see what kooky pics I can scrounge up to blog.

Andi Anderson!

Andi Heart!

Either or. She used to be Heart, and now she’s Anderson, cause we all know how these kooky porn whores can get all shifty n’ shady when it comes to naming themselves.

Like when Veronica Rain decided to call herself “Mia East” so certain folks wouldn’t discover her interracial sex movies.

So I’ll blog Andi, but I have to decide what story I wanna tell. I could talk about our recent trip to the gloryhole. I could talk about the awesome DP scene she did for Blacks On Blondes. She’s gonna be this Sunday’s Dick Sucker, and she’s jerked a wiener for me at Manojob.

But I already know the story I want to blog about Andi. It’s the one where we had this immediate attraction to one another when I first met her, and within an hour or so I was banging her booty until I creampied her super tight butthole — a butthole, I might add, that felt more like a tight velvet glove than a regular old rectum.

Did I mention I creampied it again, only moments later!

As in back-to-back load droppin’!

As in I haven’t done that since 1992.

Here’s the problem with where this is going: no one likes a braggart, and that’s all that will come from that story once I tell it. Besides, it’s kinda personal, and even though she told me it was OK to blog it a few weeks ago, I’ve decided against it.

But I’m looking at the pic of me goofing with Andi on set, right before her Blacks on Blondes debut, when I notice something horrible.

Something terrible.

Something I’ve never seen before.

Something that happens to people who brag about their sexual escapades to strangers.

Something that happens to people who out porn whores using different names in sneaky ways.

Something that happens to middle-aged dudes.

It’s started, and now it’s only a matter of time…

Mother fuck me.

Maybe I should call Dr. Life back and make my appointment now…before it’s too late.

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, Whatever Happened to Her?

Beaue Marie — Now You See Her, Now You Don’t.

22 Comments

Beaue Beau Marie

I got a call from David Cruz, one of the more mysterious agents playing the porno game. Don’t mistake “mysterious” for anything more than it is…he’s just a dude I’ve never met, nor has anyone else I know has ever met; Cruz simply calls directors from time to time, asks if they have time to meet a girl, and — if I do — we hang up, and literally an hour or so later, there’s a knock at my door.

Porn Whore!

Beaue Marie was a David Cruz referral.

And when I opened the door my jaw dropped. Kinda funny, huh? I’ve been around a lot of great looking porn whores, but I still get all geek-boy horny when I first meet a hot one. After niceties, I asked her to take off her clothes, so I could take a front and back nude, even though I already new I was gonna book her.

Kinda creepy, huh?

While she stripped, I got a boner.

Kinda creepy, huh?

I dunno if it was her super-hot voice (not enough people pay attention to the sound of a girl’s voice), or her natural, strawberry-blonde hair, bright blue eyes, or the Dali tat that ran down her side.

I don’t recall now, but I think she hadn’t shot a scene up to that point.

“Maybe we should start slow,” I told her. “Wanna give a Manojob?”

She did. Here’s some free handjob movies starring Beaue Marie. Now don’t say I never gave ya nothing. (I think that’s the second time I’ve used a triple negative in a sentence, but I’m not sure. They don’t even exist, but since I tossed “nothing” into that sentence, I’m gonna go ahead and invent the triple negative right now. And thank goodness I’ve got loyal readers turned editors to leave comments every time I fuck up my grammar).

Then came The Dick Suckers; she’s dick sucker #115, to be exact. For her scene I sat Beaue Marie down on the sybian.

She liked the sybian very much.

I case you don’t know what a sybian is…well, it’s a $1200 vibrator that Howard Stern uses on his female guests, and it’s an almost-guaranteed orgasm for whomever sits on it. Well, as long as it’s a girl, I guess.

Anways, after Beaue came a zillion times, I had her blow the stunt cock I hired; I had no idea she’d wind up marrying him a few months later…but I’ll save that later.

I hired another stunt cock drop a second load on Beaue’s pretty face. But here’s something kinda funny I thought you might appreciate: Beaue charged me an extra $50 for her facial. The reason why that’s so funny? Well, sometimes porn whores don’t care if they swallow or take the facial, but most of the time they take the facial over the swallow…and if they’re gonna charge more for anything, it’s the swallow.

Beaue hates facials.

She feels a facial is degrading.

Which is to say Beaue’s never taken a facial before.

Of course I shelled out the extra fiddy!

Fiddy — a bargain to get Beaue’s only facial on film!

And after Beaue Marie’s Fiddy Dollah Degradation, Beaue confessed she had never done a black guy. But by the time we wrapped the second shoot, she felt comfortable enough with me to jump in the white van and head to the dirtiest, filthiest adult book shoppe in porno valley to blow a stranger through a hole in the wall.

Free gloryhole movies starring Beaue Marie.

“That was so exciting!” she said. “I can’t believe how naughty that was!”

Yes mam.

Then she cooed, “I’d be willing to another interracial scene for you.”

Yes mam.

“But only a one-on-one. Nothing crazy…like a gang bang.”

Yes mam.

Free interracial movies starring Beaue Marie.

Right after her Blacks on Blondes scene (one of only 2 IR scenes in existence) I started shooting Cumbang. One by one The Rednecks would show up at my door, and one by one I’d let them in.

One of the last Rednecks to show up had a girl wrapped around him — Beaue Marie.

The Redneck said, “We’re going to Vegas right after this to get married!”

I said, “how long have you two been dating?”

The Redneck said, “who cares!”

Beaue Marie just smiled.

And that was the last time I saw either one of them.

Beaue Beau Marie

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

My Pal, The Minion.

3 Comments

The Minion

If I remember correctly, the first time I met The Minion was at AVN’s in Vegas — 2005. I could be wrong, and if I asked The Minion he’d know immediately, but he’s not here today.

When I say “here”, I mean here, as The Minion, for the past year, has been my PA. If it wasn’t for him, I couldn’t do the things I do…specifically make a whole bunch of smut.

I’m sure the next time we met up was at a Chico Wang shoot house, and I think it was the one tucked away in some woods over around Chatsworth, and I think I was there to pick up Katie Thomas — but again, I don’t really recall.

I do remember Chico talking up a storm about The Minion, and how excited he was to shoot him. Chico said things like this has never been done before in porn and on and on.

He was right.

This was before I had seen anything starring The Minion, and I doubted Chico, and he said something like, “I’m shooting him tomorrow. If you don’t believe me, come witness it for yourself.”

So I did.

And he was right…nothing — and I mean nothing — prepped me for what I was about to witness.

“HEY FAT FUCK!! GO TO JACK AND GRAB A DOZEN JUMBO JACKS!!!”

I never liked it when Chico called The Minion “fat fuck”. But then again, there were a lot of things Chico did and said that I didn’t like, but I always kept my mouth shut. I think that’s why we remained friends until he imploded.

No, I know that’s why we remained friends.

Soon, The Minion was back with a dozen hamburgers, and Chico managed to have two bottles of maple syrup on set, and the next thing you know The Minion is slamming the burgers and chasing them with syrup and getting fucked by some porn whore. He’s getting blown, too, and I can’t remember who the porn whore was, but I remember Leah Luv and Bella Donna’s brother sitting next to me watching this whole thing go down.

I have to show this to somebody, I thought, so I pulled out my phone, snapped a pic, and sent it to Spring Thomas…with a message that said, “can you believe this?”

Then, I sent her another one.

Almost immediately Spring texted back, “Please stop sending me those!”

I laughed. I didn’t blame her, either. Who’s gonna watch this? I thought to myself. Who knows…maybe The Minion will be every fat guy’s hero. Every fat guy who watches porn. Maybe he’ll be a hero to frat boys across our fine land. Maybe he’ll be a hero to every guy who’s had a girl reject him.

Who knows…

Word spread fast in Porn Valley about Chico Wang’s Minion, but unless you were on set, that’s all it ever was: words. No one had ever seen a thing. No DVD’s. No website. A few pictures were circulating, but that was it. And when I say a few, I mean it — there’s one of him in a Superman outfit, and there’s one of him eating creamed corn out of the can whilst fucking a porn whore doggy style…but that’s about it.

Until now.

Since I knew about The Minion, I blogged him a few times: he’s the only male talent ever to be interviewed on my blog; he’s done some guest blogging, and I’ve talked about him a lot. Just search my blog…it’s all there.

Over the two years (or so) The Minion was at work as male talent, he went through the cream of the crop of porn whores…and some who are totally forgettable.

Free movies of The Minion and Haley Scott.

Free movies of The Minion and Jasmine Tame.

Free movies of The Minion and Kelly Wells.

I think, in the end, Chico Wang captured The Minion 165 times (give or take), and who knows…maybe someday The Minion will make his triumphant return.

And I’m just the guy to shoot it.

The Minion

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star

Chayse Evans, Once More.

3 Comments

Chayse Evans

Since I’ve interviewed her once, and posted a silly picture of her (with an accompanying haiku), why not blog her?

Get an eyeful of Chayse Evans.

To me, the definition of Woman. I mean really…look at her. Those tits. That ass. The curves. Oh, my. Let me add: there’s not a drop of silicone or saline anywhere in her body.

I wanna talk about the day I shot her for Spunkmouth; it was a shoot that went down a week (or so) before I brought her back for Blacks on Blondes…and I brought her back mainly cause I think she’s someone to talk about, and, if I thought it to be a prudent and wise move, I’d do whatever it would take to make her my girlfriend.

At least for an hour or three.

I met Chayse Evans last month. She showed up with Emma Hart, who I had booked for a double Manojob with a couple mopes who were unloading a truck full of lumber for my new studio. I mean what better payment for some light, easy labor than a quick handie till you blow yer load…right? Oh sure, I paid them their hourly rate, but making sure my employees are taken care of is just one of the ways I roll.

I roll hard. And fast.

Most of the time, anyway.

Well, honesty…I rarely roll, and if I do, it’s seldom hard…nor fast.

Anyways, I’ve got Chayse on set for Spunkmouth, and she’s just past the 3 minute mark, which is usually the amount of time I allow for intros and masturbation — in other words, the boring shit.

Stunt cock steps up to the plate, and guess what? In less time then it takes to stick a finger up your butt, The Stunt Cock blows his load.

A mighty load.

Problem was, instead of aiming it at the girl’s mouth (hence the name, Spunkmouth), Stunt Cock does the whole squeeze-the-head-of-my-wee-wee-so-no-jizz-pops technique.

It’s a silly technique that seldom works, and it didn’t this time, either.

It looked like a cum bomb went off in the palm of his hand. And I caught the whole thing on tape. If you don’t believe me, log in to Spunkmouth and check the video.

Now what? We’re 3 1/2 minutes into a 15 minute BJ scene, and Stunt Cock has blown his wad. There’s no one around with a valid AIM test…except me.

Did I mention what I think my definition of a woman is? Or, if I could make Chayse my short-term GF, I would? (Short term, mind you…)

Did I mention those tits?

That ass?

Those curves?

Get an eyeful of Chayse Evans!

The next thing I know, I’m shouting at my PA to grab The Sybian, and Chayse is pulling my pants down, and it’s time for Billy Watson to turn into Stunt Cock.

That’s Mister Stunt Cock to you, my friend.

I don’t like this. Honestly. Not one bit. Oh! The sacrifices I make for my job!

There’s some part-time relief while she’s sitting on The Sybian, and cumming until she’s squirting all over the place, and the original Stunt Cock managed to get his shit together enough to come back on set and drop a second load…this time on target.

Then I followed suit.

I’m such a dirty man.

After the scene, suddenly things got better. As in I didn’t feel like swallowing a bottle full of Prozac, and living in LA might not be so bad after all, and I didn’t mind losing that partner-in-crime, too.

Oh! The things a simple BJ can sure!

Or, more specifically, the things Chayse Evans can cure.

Chayse Evans

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, Whatever Happened to Her?

Summer Verona Is One Crazy Ho’!

Leave a comment

Summer Verona

Or is she?

A while back, I shot a newbie named Summer Verona. Barely-legal. Incredible tits. Nice ass. She wound up as Dick Sucker #83 and jerked off our stunt cock for Manojob.

Brian Surewood had referred her to me. Actually, Surewood had given me the number of her “manager”, and I set things up with him. The Manager wasn’t really a suitcase pimp…not in the traditional sense. Most suitcase pimps are either knuckle-head ex-cops or mischievous Negroes; Summer’s manager was neither. He claimed to be a photographer, and he shot for all the stroke mags, and had been — for something like 30 years. The Manager was an OK dude, and he told me he was a “friend” of Summer’s, and that she wanted to do porn, and he would be documenting the whole she-bang for Cherry magazine. All in all our day went well, so I booked Summer again.

I shot her a few weeks later, and watched — in awe — as Ruth Blackwell converted her.

Then, I forgot about her for a while, until she turned up on The Howard Stern show. I’ve been listening to Stern, on and off, since I lived in Texas. Howard’s always got an angle, whether it’s Anal Ring Toss or setting someone’s Grandma on The Sybian. Summer’s deal for Howard was that her “father” waxed her pussy before she’d do a porno scene.

As I listened, her “father” — who I assumed was The Manager I met months earlier — didn’t sound like The Manager at all. I also had to give Summer kudos for dreaming up a story as dumb as “My Dad Waxes My Pussy Before My Porno Scenes” to land on Stern and promote whatever she had to promote. I secretly hoped she’d mention either Manojob or The Dick Suckers; of course, she didn’t.

But The Manager didn’t really sound like The Manager. I called The Manager as I listened to Stern, but no answer. I listened and she did her gig and that was that…and again, I forgot all about Summer Verona.

Gia Paloma watches a lot of bad television in between make-up jobs on set, and the other day it was Tyra Banks. It’s usually Oprah, but that particular day it was Tyra. I can’t confirm this, but I’m sure they’re not on the same time slot, which would be the only reason Gia would be watching Tyra instead of Oprah.

Oprah, Tyra. Tyra, Oprah!

Guess who was on Tyra?

It was Summer alright, and this time she wasn’t a porn star — but a whore. And sure enough, there was dad, supporting her career choice, and waxing her snatch before she’d turn a trick.

And I was right — The Father wasn’t The Manager. I’m quite sure her The Father isn’t her dad, but who knows.

Who cares?

Tyra did her best to humiliate Summer in the same passive-aggressive way The Media loves to harangue people they don’t see eye-to-eye with, and sure enough, before it was all said and done, Summer was in tears.

But damn, can that girl promote herself, or what?

Oh, Summer’s “boyfriend” was on Tyra’s set, and he proposed to her…after letting Tyra’s audience know he didn’t like her whoring ways, and he wanted her to stop selling herself and spend the rest of her days with him.

She accepted.

And I’m quite sure she’ll follow through with that promise, until she needs money, or he loses his job, or both…and then, that sweet, teen, pink Summer Verona pussy will, once again, cost $400 (or so) an hour to bang.

Which is about the same price a decent lawyer will charge you — but less that a good CPA.

I wonder if I can get her to mention Manojob or The Dick Suckers when she returns to work?

Summer Verona

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, random raves

Me N’ Tia Ling

Leave a comment

Tia Ling

God damnit I love Tia Ling.

Really, I do.

It’s not often that I drop to one knee and pucker up to kiss a little ass. I dunno if my lust for Tia is founded on both of us being Arizona State Sun Devils, or that she’s a super freaky Asian Kitten with over-stuffed mammary glands who loves to suck and fuck.

Actually, it’s a little bit of both.

I first shot Ms. Ling a few years back for the world’s greatest interracial website, Blacks on Blondes. Here’s some free Tia Ling movies I shot that very day. I don’t recall, but I think my homies Ace and Lefty ended up giving Tia a size 10 poop chute after it was all said and done. Here’s free Tia Ling interracial sex pictures I snapped.

Like I said, I shot this a few years back. Afterwards, Tia fell off the face of the Earth. This is common; I thought she had retired. Little did I know she was working on TiaLing.com.

She resurfaced just recently, and when I found out, I immediately booked her for Manojob and TheDickSuckers. Her Manojob scene is live on the site; Tia Ling’s TheDickSuckers.com scene will be up March 16.

I still haven’t washed my face since I smooched that beautiful yellow ass.

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, Super Fun E-mails, Whatever Happened to Her?

Super Fun E-Mails: “The Wonderous Jenni Lee”

6 Comments

Jenni Lee Jenny Lee

JJ From Da UK writes:

Dear Mr Billy, Sir,

What can you tell your devoted readers (this one anyway) of the wondrous Jenny Lee? I think you’ve shot her a coupla times. Share, please…

—————

Dear JJ From Da UK, Sir,

I’ve been criticized a bit for my blog; specifically, I Shoot Porn takes the “fantasy” out of porn, and that I should just keep my mouth shut when it comes to things like talking about the girls.

I disagree.

Insightful tidbits, like what I’m about to lay upon you, are an Aid To Whacking, and they should be wholeheartedly embraced. With that said, I’ll tell you this: like most porn whores, Jenni’s about as kooky as they come.

If you follow the chat boards, you probably know Jenni’s a mainstream model, and she’s got a website up under her real name, but I’m not gonna post that here. Like I said…if you read any chat boards, you already know about her mainstream site — or you’ll soon discover it.

The first time Jenni swung by my studio to make a dirty movie, it was for The Dick Suckers. Here’s some free blowjob pictures featuring Jenni from that shoot. She wasn’t too kooky that day, but she did end up being a “cum dodger”.

Time to digress: cum dodgers are exactly that. They know they’re gonna get a face full of jizz, and they don’t like it…not one bit. Sometimes they’re obvious; sometimes they’re not. Take a look at the bottom pic of Jenni doing her best to dodge The Stunt Cock’s XXXL sized load. That’s an obvious cum dodge. The Not-So-Obvious cum dodgers will do things like raise themselves up higher than the spurting cock, in an effort to catch the load on the chin, neck, and tits…instead of the face.

I hate cum dodgers, which doesn’t mean I hate Jenni Lee; in fact, I like Jenni. So much so I booked her again, this time for a manojob. She’s on the red sofa, about to jerk a wiener. Look at her ass! Jenni Lee gave a superb Manojob, and she didn’t really try and dodge this time. Score 10 more points for Manojob.

I haven’t really talked too much about Mr. POV, but now’s as good a time as any. This dude is another kook, but he’s cool. He’s a fan of my blog. He’s a porno fan. Super Porno Fan. So much so he’s started his own gig. He’s probably e-mailed me 100 times, asking all sort of questions about everything that is porn. Next thing you know, he’s shooting his own scenes and selling them to me (among other places). He’s even got his own blog. Anyway, he’s a big Jenni Lee fan, and he ended up shooting her, and I ended up buying the scene from him. Here’s Mister POV and Jenni Lee.

Jenni came back a few more times to my studio, and each time she seemed more and more detached from porn. It was all about a paycheck for her, and hey…what can I say except oh well. First, it was Manojob, and then came the weirdest shit I’ve ever seen a porn whore do.

I booked Jenni Lee to eat some ass. She showed up on time, had her make-up done, and walked on set. And the minute she walked on set she started speaking in an English accent. No heads up. No warning.

Top o’ the mornin’ to you, mate! Where are the kippers and tea?

I shit you not.

Oh Crikey! Never mind the bullocks. There’s nothing more I love than crumpets and Shepard’s Pie!

“Um, Jenni. Are you OK?”

Of course I am, Mate! Care for a fag?

I’ve been on set once or twice when the girls disassociate themselves from whatever it is they’re doing that they don’t like. I could never figure this out, really. No one’s holding a gun to anyone’s head, no matter what Linda Lovelace said. These girls are here to do a job they’ve agreed to do. Maybe it’s like getting on the jumbo roller coaster ride, and you don’t think you want off until you’re at the top, strapped into the little roller coaster car, and there’s no turning back. Maybe Jenni’s English accent was her way to remove herself from the task at hand, which in this specific case, was eating a man’s bung hole.

I have no idea.

I shoulda just told her to knock off the bullshit, but I found it somewhat amusing, and totally fucking weird, so I rolled with it for a while, but then it got boring, and I finally told her to knock it off.

My mistake. I shoulda never let the camera roll with that silly accent. My saving grace was The Stunt Cock’s tremendous pop shot. Easily one of the biggest I’ve had the pleasure to capture for eternity’s sake. Peter Northian in both size and stature.

There was no dodging for Jenni this time. She was between the sofa and The Stunt Cock, and man, did she get plastered. She didn’t like it one bit.

A porn whore not liking (or taking) a load to the face is a lot like a race car driver who doesn’t like to drive fast.

After the English Accent Incident, I had my fill of Jenni, and apparently she’s had her fill of porn, too. She’s no longer bookable.

Until she runs out of money.

Jenni Lee Jenny Lee

Candy Monroe, Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

Introducing Candy Monroe

7 Comments

Candy Monroe

It all started as a blowbang.

A blowbang is a lot like a gangbang, except the porn whore is suckin’ — not fuckin’ — lots and lots of wieners.

Let me back up.

Spring Thomas found a friend. Her name was Candy. Candy wanted to be like Spring. Lots of girls wanted to be Spring, and they’d e-mail her, and most of them weren’t serious…and some were.

Candy was serious.

In order to prove it, Spring invited her on set to blow 10 black men while Spring fucked one of them…a test, so to speak. Spring said something like, “Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be there to help. But if you want your own site, we need to know if you’re worthy.”

Strong words from a strong girl.

Candy mastered Spring’s test…on her first try. Do I need to tell you the black dudes turned both of them into cum targets? And they fired with 100% accuracy? Or that, by the end, they were both a filthy, dirty mess?

The end result: Candy Monroe was worthy.

When we huddled up with Candy to talk about her site, Candy made it perfectly clear: in addition to servicing Black Dick only, she requested that puny white boys be on set with her. Not only would the puny white boy be humiliated on set, but, in the end…all white boys would be forced to clean Candy up.

Including her real-life boyfriends.

With their tongues.

Whether they liked it…or not.

Strong words from a strong girl.

And so it came to be — Candy Monroe.com. Candy’s got her own unique personality, and we didn’t stop that while rolling tape. We didn’t even try to alter it. Or shape her in any way. I didn’t script one of these scenes…who could? Candy would walk on set and make the calls. I just held the camera.

Candy would bark out to her white cuckolds, “play with your Man-Gina!” or “I’ve seen clits bigger than that!” all while working black dicks that ranged from 9 to 12 inches in length.

You’re either gonna love this…or hate it.

I find these scenes highly disturbing.

Be warned.

Candy Monroe

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, random rants, random raves

Someone You Know Ever Did Porn?

3 Comments

Terri Lynn Doss

Shadownomad blogs:

Ok, so…am I weird for wanting to know if any of the girls I went to high school with ever did porn? I’m always fascinated by that sort of thing. I’m always curious as to what people did with thier lives after high school. Somehow I don’t think any of them did (though I did once hear a rumor about one being a stripper) because most of the girls I knew in high school seemed either: (1) too “good” to do that sort of things, or (2) too smart and too sucessful to ever consider doing that sort of thing for money.

Still…I do find myself thinking at times “I wonder if [insert name here] ever did porn?” I’m probably weird for having those thoughts. For that matter I wonder if any of the guys did porn 😛 I hear it’s tough to become male talent because there is an overabundance of guys always wanting to break into that buisness. Leave it to men to think it’s a good job to fuck all the time. From all the stuff I’ve read by directors and stuff it’s really not as glamorous as it sounds, lol.

Billy Watson blogs:

When I was growing up I hung out with this cat named Al. It was a long time ago, when Camaros were bitchin’ and the internet didn’t exist — neither did cell phones, MTV, CD’s, laptops, or Brittney Spears.

Al had a step-sister named Terri, and she was fucking smokin’ hot. Terri was blonde, and always had a smile on her face, and her tits were almost as perfect as her ass. She was also a year younger than me, and back then I’d die before I’d date a younger girl.

Oh! How times have changed.

Fast forward a few years, when MTV was alive and well and good, and people still didn’t know what a text message was, but some had computers, although the internet wasn’t really a viable thing yet, but CD’s were so hot no one wanted their vinyl records anymore (dopes), and still no one knew — or cared about — Brittney Spears.

I don’t remember who ran up and thrust the Playboy in my hand, but there she was, and instead of being “Terri” she was now calling herself “Terri Lynn”, and she looked better than ever.

I took that magazine back to my apartment and beat off to it like a monkey in the zoo.

I think I blasted three times, back-to-back, before I had to leave to do whatever it was I had to do…and if I coulda stayed in my bedroom and whacked it some more, trust me, I would have.

What was I thinking? Why not date younger chicks? I had Terri within arm’s reach…more than once! I used to say “hi” to her on the phone when I’d call Al! I’d smile and make small talk with her at school!

AND NOW SHE’S A PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD. JESUS H. CHRIST. EXCUSE ME WHILE I JERK AND BLOW ANOTHER ONE.

Although it’s dumb to assume I would have had a chance with Terri, I didn’t even step up to the plate with her…and really, isn’t that all it takes most of the time?

I couldn’t believe a girl I knew was naked in a magazine. And not just any magazine…Playboy. It made my brain almost melt. I remember a few years after this all went down I was in Vegas with a pal of mine who like to bet big.

No, he bet large.

Extra Large.

And he won a lot, too, and after a good night at the tables he’d end up buying a few whores, and we’d go back to the room and bang them, and one of the whores had the copy of “Busty” magazine she appeared in, and I looked at her pictorial as I banged her, and I was convinced, at that very moment in time, that I was the coolest dude in the whole wide world.

When really I was nothing more than a Trick.

Sometimes I check my internet stats to see where my readers are coming from, and one day I noticed I was getting a ton of traffic from a Chevy S-10 bulletin board. So I go to check it out, and sure enough, the post on this board is exactly what I’m talking about now.

First I see Harley Valley mentioned, and later Jackie Joy.

The best thing about reading these dudes who grew up with girls who are now in porn is the amount of shit talking they do:

i wouldnt have let her touch me in highschool

I know a few girls from HS who ended up doing porn. None of them were remotely slutish or hot in high school, and are still disgusting today.

Search for Jacky Joy…I went to HS with her and she’s a dumb ugly slut. My buddy used to date her and laughed his ass off when he heard she was doing slut porn.

went to high school with a girl who is now doing porn, her screen name is Mindy Main. it is pretty entertaining to see a chick you went to high school with naked everyday.i work at a porn store and her movies get rented quite a bit…im surprised she has been as successful as she has been lol

Looking back at it now, I’m not sure why I went nuts over Terri’s Playboy spread, or why these dudes are going nuts over the porn whores they knew back when.

Maybe I’m just jaded.

Maybe I’ve filmed too many people fucking over the course of 5+ years to care about it much anymore.

Maybe I’m just bored.

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, Super Fun E-mails

Super Fun E-Mails: “My New Pal Marty”

Leave a comment

Jessica Valentino

My new pal Marty writes:

Well after seeing the previews I caved in and got a Spunk Pass membership. So I now have a subscription to all but “No Way Am I Gay” and I think one other. All I can say is that you have exactly what I’m looking for in Porn. That is hot, dirty, chicks, real interviews and hot sex scenes. When you asked Jessica Valentino, Who’s face is covered in cum, “How do you feel about cumshots?” and she replies “they’re OK” I thought that’s exactly what I want to see in a porno flick. I also like the way you give them direction…”put the dick in your mouth” while she’s trying to answer a question you just asked her…too much!! Anyway keep up the good work. I am looking forward to seeing the rest of your sites.

Your Pal, Marty

PS: Seeing Jaylynn Sinz photo next to my email makes me hard. Keep it up. Would you post a picture of my pathetic little dick next to a picture of Riley Mason? Here it is next to my favorite soft core model!

——————–

Well Marty, the way you’re gushing on and on about my work may lead some people to think you’re not really a person at all…more like a not-so-clever marketing tool dreamt up by me.

So I’ll go ahead and post that pic of your wee wee next to Riley Mason.

Just to make you happy, of course.

And to prove you’re a real dude.

What’s up with the dogleg curve that’s on it now? Your wiener looks like you smooshed it up against the wall.

Your pal — Billy

Jessica Valentino