Maggie stinks.

Well, she stunk. She stunk like a dog, which isn’t anything out of the ordinary, right?

She stunk until Patricia Petite decided to come by and give her a bath.

I am the luckiest dude in the world, and I know publishing declarative statements like this are fairly dangerous. No one likes a braggart. And here I am, bragging about Patricia coming over to my studio, stripping down to her nothing more than her panties, and running around my place with my dog.

Really though…I’m not bragging. Well, kinda, but I need some fodder to blog about, and what better Blogging Fodder than a hot blonde in panties? So give me a break, ok?

Besides, this blog exists for nothing more than your entertainment, right? It helps me blow off a little steam, too, but its primary purpose is to entertain the masses.

Or, at least, the handful of people who visit I Shoot Porn on some sort of regular basis.

For a while, Patricia Petite was staying next door. She loved Maggie, too. I’m assuming she still does, but she isn’t next door anymore. One day Maggie trotted over to say hello to Patricia, cause that’s the way Maggie rolls, when suddenly Patricia let out a small shriek.

I wish I could properly write how Patricia speaks, cause she’s French-Canadian, and she’s got this super hot accent that makes my ween get stiff.

Patricia Petite shrieked, “Maggie stinks!”

“Give her a bath,” I said.

I really didn’t think Patricia would actually come over here and do it…but she did. And when she peeled off her duds and ran around my place in her thong, I was kinda hoping I could bend her over my couch and get a little Hot Action before she went back home.

No Hot Action.

But a Clean Doggie.

And that’s about the only thing I can think of that’s actually close to being somewhat as good as hot action: Maggie, fluffy and smelling like a bouquet of spring daises.

S. writes:

Where do I find more of Keesha Knight? She is gorgeous little thing. I saw her on Blowjob Races and JOMG and Dick Suckers but I wanna see her fuck. Any suggestions? Is there any sites I am missing?

S — your timing is perfect.

The day I’m gonna blog about my very favorite dick sucker on my very favorite site featuring dick suckers is the day you e-mail me about the very fine, very gorgeous little thing — Keesha Knight.

Keesha came to me via Nick Steele, an amateur guy I use from time to time.

Nick met Keesha at a meeting in which I’ll mention very little about…in fact, I won’t mention anything at all about it. Except Keesha needed work, and Nick knew me, and Keesha was down to try her hand at making dirty movies.

We met at a Starbucks, and I was totally blown away by Keesha’s look, and without skipping a beat we went from iced Venti yumminess to filming her blowing Nick Steele.

It was that easy.

Oh, I helped name her, too! Here’s how it went:

“I need a porn name,” Keesha said.

“What’s the name of the street you lived on as a kid?”

“Knight.”

“And what’s your pet’s name when you were a kid?”

“Keesha.”

“Well then, there you have it.”

Keesha Knight liked her porn name, but she didn’t like making porn very much. She managed to show up three times to the studio: once for The Dick Suckers, once for ManoJob, and once for Jizz On My Glasses.

You really wouldn’t know if she’s on JOMG cause the folks who update that site don’t think it’s too important to update the tour, but trust me, she’s in there.

And apparently, she showed up at someone else’s studio, but I can’t send traffic to Blow Job Races cause they don’t update their tour, either; hence, I have no idea if they update their member’s area.

I know JOMG updates, so I don’t mind sending you over there.

Just as quick as Keesha Knight came to me, she went away, which is how it goes in this business.

Which means, as far as I know, she didn’t fuck anyone at all on camera.

Can you blame her?

This is a true story, cause all the stories I tell here are true, whether you believe them or not.

Before I figured out the whole Los Angeles porno circuit, with all the agents and pimps and pimps and agents, I was shooting in the city in which I currently reside, and I had a camera, and I had lights, and I had drive and a work ethic and all I wanted to do was make good porn and money — not in that order.

What I didn’t have was talent. As in porn stars. Or even wanna-bes. And the only thing I could think of to effectively recruit talent was to place an ad in the back of one of those weekly rags almost every city in America now has. In my town, it’s The New Times. The ad I placed in The New Times said something along the lines of “PORN STARS WANTED: MAKE MORE MONEY IN A DAY THAN MOST PEOPLE MAKE IN A WEEK.”

The first week, my phone rang off the hook. It rang every 5 minutes or so, and each and every caller was some dude wanting to be The Next Peter North. Or The Next John Holmes.

Whatever.

But I did need male talent, so I picked the least creepiest of all the dudes that called, and I met him at a Starbucks, cause there’s nothing quite like a Venti Iced Soy Caramel Macciato on a breezy afternoon.

He wasn’t creepy at all, and — get this — he knew a girl that would perform in front of a camera. And not just any girl. A cute one! That went to community college! She was 19, too…a barely-legal!

Kimmy.

Who I’ve blogged about more than once here. Come to think of it, I think I’ve blogged this story in some shape or form, but hey, gimme a break; as of this writing, I’m up to 434 blog entries, and really, my life isn’t all that interesting. Certainly not as interesting as yours, and I mean that sincerely.

In other words, I’m bound to repeat myself.

Kimmy! Oh, Kimmy! You naughty, naughty girl!! Coming over to blow various dudes for pay while all the time your boyfriend thought you were sitting in English class. And the cum shots you took were second to none! And you took them, right in the kisser, smiling the whole time and loving every minute of it: Spunkmoth and JOMG and Blacks on Blondes and Gloryholes, too!

But wait a sec. This is all about The Dick Suckers, right?

And Kimmy, too, who’s decided that making dirty movies isn’t for her, so she’s moved on to more lucrative activities.

The third best scene on what’s shaping up to be a phenomenal BJ site features Miss Kacey Jordan.

And yea, that last sentence is a shameless plug, because:

1) I own TheDickSuckers.

and

2) I refer to TheDickSuckers as a site that’s “shaping up to be phenomenal”.

But it’s OK to have a little self-confidence, right?

I’m just trying to shoot the cutest girls possible while they blow a whole bunch of dick. If they’re brand new to the biz, then that’s even better. So let’s talk about Kacey Jordan and her very first time performing a naughty, dirty, slutty act on film. That’s right, I caught her fresh off the bus from the Pacific Northwest, where she used to work at a tanning salon.

Did I mention she likes to bang married dudes cause “it’s not right”?

I think those were the words she used, but I can’t remember now.

OK, I’ll admit a simple BJ scene might get a little boring, so I decided to spice it up a bit. Personally, I love to watch women have real orgasms, and if I think, for one second, that they’re faking it, well…like Johnny Rotten said at the last great Sex Pistols show, “Do you ever felt like you’ve been cheated?”

But what could I buy that would virtually guarantee the female talent’s orgasm?

Enter The Hitachi Magic Wand Massager

Fellahs — if you wanna watch your lady cum and cum and cum, and you possess the kind of self-confidence that allows you to witness this miracle without anything coming from your end, buy one of these right now.

Ladies — if you wanna cum and cum and cum and don’t give a shit whether or not a dude is responsible for the multiple orgasms this fun toy will provide, buy one of these right now.

And Amazon even sells them!

Do I need to tell you how hot it was watching Kacey Jordan cum a whole bunch on set, first before she started dick sucking, and then afterward?

She came and came and came and came.

Four times.

Then, with a load dripping from her chin, she came again.

After it was all said and done, and I handed Kacey her check, I asked her if she liked her new job.

She looked at her check, and she looked at me, and she said something like, “it would have taken me a week at the tanning salon to make this much, and all I did was suck some dick and have a bunch of orgasms. How do you think I like my job?”

There’s nothing quite as special as a porno newbie, and that’s exactly what Anna Von Trap is…a total Porn Newb.

How about I one-up that statement?

There’s nothing quite as special as a porno newbie who has no intentions whatsoever of ever becoming The Next Jenna; and, in fact, Porn Newb is simply a college girl who doesn’t want to take out an emergency student loan but needs a little fast cash.

Enter Dick Sucker #70: Anna Von Trap.

I don’t recall how she got my number, or if I got hers, and I really don’t remember the conversation when we met, and then continued as we headed over to the secret Dick Suckers Studios, but it went something like this:

“Hi, I’m (real name deleted here in Anna’s best interest) and I’d like to work for you.”

I tell her how it all goes down.

“That’s cool! Well, if you’re OK with what I’m wearing now, wanna just go do this?”

I tell her absolutely.

“Who am I blowing?”

I ask her if that really matters.

“Just as long as my boyfriend doesn’t find out, then no.”

I tell her that once she does this, there is a chance that her boyfriend will discover her horrible, dirty secret, but I also remind her there’s hundreds of thousands of dirty websites, and the chances of her boyfriend discovering anything will be pretty remote, especially since he doesn’t know her stage name. I also tell her the best way to get caught is to go out this weekend with her very best friend, the one she can confide in most…the one she totally and completely trusts…the one she’d know with absolute certainty would never sell her out. Then, you’ll get a little tipsy with her, and it’s then you’ll tell her your dirty little secret, and it will be within 24 hours from that very moment that everyone — certainly all your other friends, as well as (quite possibly) your family — will also know your dirty little secret.

“Um…OK. What’s my porno name gonna be? I hear it’s always your pet’s name and the street you lived on.”

I tell her that’s totally gay, but she looks Swedish, or Scandavian, or something along those lines. “Wasn’t that family that sang a whole bunch during World War Two living up in them parts of the world?”

She asked, “You’re talking about The Sound of Music? You mean the Von Traps?”

“Congratulations. You’re now Anna.”

“I don’t think there was a sister named Anna.”

“Good! I won’t be sued then.”

So we went to the studio, and Anna Von Trapp got nude and sucked a whole bunch of dick, and the scene turned out great.

But there’s 3 more I like better, which isn’t anything against Anna Von Trapp.

Not one bit.

[Afterward: Anna and her boyfriend are still together, and now she won’t shoot anything beyond nudes and solo scenes…but that didn’t stop me from talking to her about Manojob.]