Poor Ol’ Billy Bob

Sophia and Billy Bob

Spring Thomas loves to have a boyfriend or three. And eventually she tells them what she does for a living, which makes them either run for cover, or, like her more…and some who end up sticking around for a while have made a foolish attempt at porno stardom.

Enter poor ol’ Billy Bob.

I think Spring Thomas had a class with Billy Bob. I don’t recall now. He’s your average typical Joe, and like most of Spring’s dudes, I have no idea what she saw in him…but that’s another story. Anyway, one day Spring calls me and says Billy Bob wants to be in a porno flick.

“Is he sure about this?”

“Oh yea. And obviously he can’t be on my site, so will you hire him for Spunkmouth?”

“But who’s he gonna fuck?”

“Sophia!”

She answered without hesitation, which made me think she had something up her sleeve. I was right. Billy Bob had been bugging Spring to star in a porno. Spring gave in, and thought it would be a good idea if he fucked Sophia. I thought it might be OK, too. A total amateur dude and a super hot porn starlet would make for something interesting.

And it did.

Sophia ate him up alive, right on film, for the world to see. I’ll hand it to Billy Bob – he started strong. But one he was in the pussy, he couldn’t hold it anymore. Which is to say he lost his nut almost immeditately. Then he assured me he could get wood again and keep going. He’s a young buck, so I’m thinking right on…but he was wrong.

Sophia carried the scene best she could, and honestly, it turned out much better once I edited it. I mean it sounds like a bad scene, but it wasn’t.

And it taught ol’ Billy Bob a lesson – fucking on camera for money ain’t like fucking at home with the lights dimmed while listening to a slow song by your favorite country band and sippin’ on a Coors Light.

We wrapped, I paid everyone, and that’s the last time I saw Billy Bob. I think Spring dumped him not too long after.

Taylor Kurtis

Taylor!

So it’s January ’05, and I’m in Vegas for the annual porno conventions – AVN and Internext – when I meet up with Taylor Kurtis. She’s brand new, and like most of the girls who first come into this biz, she’s got a smile on her face, she looks good, and she’s got no idea what she’s getting herself into.

It only took me about a second and a half to offer her a Spunkmouth scene. Her manager dude did all the talking. We set it up for that night.

I couldn’t afford any of the fancy hotels on the strip. Way outta my league. Instead I set up shop at the Budget Budget Suites (real name) on the very south end of the strip. Really, it’s not even the strip. It’s more like the last stop out of town, before you hit the desert all the way to LA. I had to pay extra for sheets, and when I got into the room it smelled like someone died in there. So I prop open the door to air it out, start putting the sheets on my bed, and I just about shit my pants when a pit bull wandered into my room.

Turns out the pit bull lived with my new next door neighbors. The dog was friendly; my neighbors were not.

That night I shot the scene. Taylor was obviously new. It was her first scene. Ever. And she did a great job. I was really surprised. I mean she didn’t work the camera like a vet, but that’s the beauty with first timers. We wrapped, I paid them, and they were off.

A few weeks later Frank Wank calls me. He’s interested in Taylor Kurtis, and what’s some info. I ask what kind of info, and he says she won’t shoot b/g scenes. She refuses. And he wants to know how Spunkmouth managed to pull it off. (By the way, to this day she only does solo and g/g).

“Vegas will make you do funny things,” I say.

He agreed.

The Collector

vintage adult ad

I’m a collector, which is to say I collect things.

In 1975 I was just a kid and went bonkers for beer cans. I’d walk miles from my home in Calumet City, Illinois, just to score a Big Cat Malt Liquor (I once scored a tall boy Big Cat in mint condition in an alley behind a White Hen Pantry!), or an old Candian Ace can…and my god! – if I found a flat top, or even (gasp!) a cone top, I had to run home just to clean my underpants…and then show off my can to the kids in the neighborhood.

Then, for a while – from like 1978 to 1987 – I was a jock…and lost my soul.

When I came to, it was books…specifically, anything I could find by Charles Bukowski. First, it was all the books with paintings by him. That’s right, his publisher would issue limited edition books with real paintings and silkscreen prints done by Buk. After that, I had to have all his poetry chapbooks published in the 60’s, and those fuckers were expensive back then. After that, all his little mag appearences sparked my interest…but nothing after 1970 (or so).

After I consumed Bukowski, I went nuts on all the Beats – Jack Kerouac, Allen Ginsberg, and, of course, William S. Burroughs. And of course, I had to buy every first edition, signed first edition, and limited edition thing I could afford. From the Beats I had to collect anything that was considered counterculture literature – Paul Bowles, ANY little mag from the 50’s and 60’s, anything drug related (LSD literature was close to my heart), Ken Kesey, Hunter S. Thompson…the list goes on and on. Then I just bought any book I could afford, if I had to have it.

Collectors know what I’m talking about. And it doesn’t matter what you collect, really…there’s some sort of fucked up psychotic thing happening in your head when you’re dumpster diving for beer cans, or spending your entire life scouring thrift stores for tiki mugs, or figuring ways to fuck over people who are bidding on whatever it is you’re bidding on at eBay.

I sold my Bukowski collection a long time ago. Since then, all the books I sold are worth even more, and that’s OK. It comes with the territory. Now I go out of my way for records…jazz records, mostly…hell, any records…and books (now it’s paperback sleaze and juvenile deliquency titles)…and vintage porn.

Vintage porn is so fucking cool. Old girlie mags like Adam, and Knight, and Cavalier, and the nudist camp mags, and, when I’m really lucky, I’ll come across glossy pics from the 50’s that you could buy out of the back ads from all those girlie mags I collect…I’m really on the lookout now for 8mm stag films from the 50’s, too. They pop up on eBay, but scoring shit on eBay doesn’t really count, does it?

So, if your grandpa died, and he was a pervy old dude and kept his shit in perfect condition – like most collectors do – call me, ok? I’ll pat ya on the back and say how sorry I am cause you’re all bummed that grandpa died, and then, if I can use it, I’ll offer you cash for the lot.

And I promise not to cherry pick.

Riley Mason

Riley Mason

When the studio doorbell rings, and there’s a new girl behind that door, I get all excited.

I get excited when any girl is ringing my doorbell, but when it’s a porn star, and she’s new, I’m even more jacked. Part of it is that first glimpse, and sizing her up against the pics I’ve seen of her, or the scene I’ve seen her in…or just matching a face with a voice on the other end of a phone. Plus, it’s cool to just see them as they truly are, without makeup, in their street clothes…I guess what I’m trying to say is when they’re real.

Cause once they step in front of that camera, and the lights are on them, and they’re made up and dressed to the hilt in their sexy stripper clothes, and they’re talking dirty and doing all that, it’s the furthest thing from real you can get.

Riley Mason looks amazing either way – when she walked into my studio, pulling her little porno girl totebag – or when James Dean was fucking her for Spunkmouth.

I shot a quick still of her in the make-up artist’s chair, about 1/2 hour before we started rolling. It’s the kind of glimpse you don’t really get to see too much, and that’s why I’m showing it to you now. Wait till you see her Spunkmouth scene.

Riley Mason is from North Carolina, she’s new to the business, she loves to fuck, and she was great to work with. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Interview with a Porn Star (#1) — Loretta Scars

Loretta Scars

This morning I woke up to the sound of a woman’s voice.

Turns out it was Loretta Scars. Jimmy H., my pal who shoots for ATKingdom and Karups, was going over paperwork with her. I was gonna try and sleep in some more, but shit…there’s a porno girl out in the front room; I can’t sleep anymore.

Loretta Scars just got in the biz and hasn’t even shot 10 scenes yet. I think she’s a natural heet, and she’s super cool. In fact, I was amazed at how much we have in common: art, books, music…porn.

I immediately decided I had to make some love with her. Instead, I interviewed her. And started a new category with my blog: “Porno Interviews”.

Loretta Scars – Age: 20 – 34(B), 22, 27 – 5’5″ 125 – from Chicago IL – the Pilsen District.

Favorite Food: Pizza
Favorite Music: Indie (Pavement, Flaming Lips, Mercury Rev), Electro (Miss Kitten and the Hacker, Chicks on Speed), Hip Hop (Eazy E, Necro, RjD2, Bus Driver) – Yo.
Occupation: Porn Star
Hobbies: Art, Music, Books.
Turn-Ons: Cool people, chill times, slow love fucking.
Hopes & Dreams: To live a happy, meaningful life.
Ideal Man or Women: Someone with a head on their shoulders and a good sense of humor.
Sexual Fantasy: To fuck my teacher…like my English teacher…not any specific English teacher. I just think sex with teachers is hot.
Favorite Sexual Position: Any one with a dick in me.

Did I mention I wanna make some love with her? How? Just like she said it – slow love fucking.

“how can I, how can I, how can I
how can I make my body shed for you
how can I, how can I, how can I
how can I make my body shed
around your metal scars
Loretta’s scars, Loretta’s scars
Loretta’s scars…”

Kitty

kitty

Kitty. She made the porno rounds for a while a couple of years ago, and then she just kinda disappeared.

Typical.

Then, about a month or so ago, I got an e-mail from her. Last time I had seen her was at Sophia’s birthday party…and oh my God, what a party that was. It was the kind of party that deserves its own post.

I shot Kitty is a shitty hotel room in the Valley, and my partner took this pic of us at work. I’ll never forget that scene, cause when she got naked, it made me nervous. Seriously, she didn’t look of age, and if I hadn’t booked her through an agent, I think I woulda just sent her home. But like I said, she made the porno rounds, and I certainly wasn’t the first guy to shoot her. In fact, there’s a fairly popular clip of Kitty getting bench-pressed by a black midget porn star named “Lil’ Pimp”.

I wanna hire Lil Pimp.

Kitty gave me a helluva scene. We had her start in her street clothes, then get in a cute pink little number. We bring the dude in – and he was a total goof – but he just went to town. I kinda like hiring goofy guys instead of beefcake fags. Makes shit more real, you know? And this dude just pounded her, and then blasted her face with goo. Just good old fashioned porn, you know?

And for the most part, Kitty’s retired. She’ll do a scene every now and then, but she’s gone from the circuit, is married and starting a family, and she’s really happy.

I think I’ll hire her. And Lil Pimp. Just to see what happens on their next go around…

Jimmy H.

a day at the office

Check out my pal Jimmy H. shooting Montanna Rae. He’s got a cool site called Brand New Babes; Montanna Rae is a super heet from the midwest who travels to LA to make bank.

I met Jimmy H. at Ron Ellis’s porn house about a year ago. We became fast friends. What can I say? We’ve got a lot in common.

Jimmy H. shoots for some huge sites – ATKingdom and Karups, for starters. And he shoots some fucking super hot babes: Cassia Riley, my pal Sophia, Tylar Jacobs, Amy Reid, Kelly Kline, and Jelena Jensen. After he shot Montanna Rae, we went out to Fat Burger and grabbed some grub. Besides the normal bullshit, we talked about being a pornographer, and how society views us – the dudes behind the camera, that is. For example, when Jimmy H. goes home (he doesn’t live in LA, nor do I), he likes to hang out at the local pub, where dudes fucking worship him. He’s a regular hometown hero. And the girls loathe his pervy ass.

I talked to him about not letting society fuck with your skull. How not to let other peoples’ morals fuck with your own. I mean we’re both good people, who treat our models with resepect. And what about the school teacher who fucks the student? The car salesman who slams a naive customer into a lease deal for a huge commision? The Priest and the Altar Boy? The televangelist and the elderly? The lawyer and the weak? The stockbroker who churns and burns??

For some reason Tony Montana comes to mind now…when he’s drunk at the posh Miami dinner spot. Everybody point your finger at the bad guy! Cause it’s the last time you’re gonna see a bad guy like this again!

Deep down, we’re all “bad” in one way or another. It’s just how ya look at it.

A Day in the Office

a day at the office

It’s time to put up or shut up.

Spring Thomas called me the other day, and she was kinda pissed. She feels I’m treading on personal ground here, and it’s already getting too personal for her. She’s a private person, and she wants it to stay that way.

Which got me to thinking…here I am, posting pics of Cherry Poppins, and Sophia, and Julia Bond, and Spring…and blabbing all about them, and since I have no problem posting pics and blabbing, why am I so reluctant to post a pic of myself?

I mean I really like this pic. I don’t even remember who took it. (No, I’m not a hunchback…I’m just leaning into the shot, right?) Anyway, it pretty much sums up what I do for a living. The pic’s funny, in a way. And it gives people a peek at something they usually don’t get a chance to see – BTS at a porno shoot. And still, I’m really hesitant to post it…why?

Well, that’s easy. Anonymity.

I’m hiding. I’m a big ol pussy and I’m on the DL. I use a fake name. I don’t show my face. I write about people and post their pics, all the while staying behind the tree, and not sticking my head out under any circumstances…

Right?

But when it comes to showing the world who you really are, well…that’s the line a lot of people in the business don’t cross.

And till now, I hid. And I still am, I guess. I’ll never post my real name here, and showing this pic off is probably a mistake, too. Maybe even a Big One.

Maybe not. Who knows…at this point, I don’t care.

So here I am, at work…in my office, so to speak. Shooting Jordan O’Neil for Gloryhole.

And I’m having fun. I mean who wouldn’t, right?

The whole purpose of this blog is to give you guys some sort of insight in to what it is I do for a living. Lots of people watch it, lots of people talk about it, lots of people buy it, and rent it, and use it again and again, but not a lot of people really know about it…so here’s a small piece of my insight. Do with it what you will…

Oh, and by the way, porn is work.

At first I didn’t really call shooting porn work, but now? It’s work. Looking at naked people having sex all day long is pretty much exactly like doing whatever it is you: working for the man, or working for the government, or working for yourself. I’ve done a lot of things in my life, none of which is like the porno biz (well, for a while I sold penny stocks, and that’s kinda like the porno biz) and so far, my work is fun…more fun than selling cars, or jewlery cleaner, or teaching, or selling stocks and bonds; it’s more fun than hiring (and firing) people, more fun than delivering furniture, bouncing people out of bars, or coaching.

So I guess I’ll stick with it. At least for now.

No Fuckin’ Way Am I Gay, bro…

No Way Am I Gay!

Ask most chicks why they got into porn, and they’ll answer “Money!”

Ask most dudes why they got into porn, and they’ll answer “To fuck!”

Ask most producers/directors/camermen why they got into porn, and you’ll probably get either/or: “Money”, “To Fuck”, “I’m a failed (actor, screenwriter, fill in the blank here)”, or any/all of the above.

I took the gig for money. Honestly, I did. Sure, I like to look at naked girls, and yep…so ’nuff, I like to watch people fuck. But it’s the green stuff that lured me to The Dark Side.

And where’s the most money in this biz? Well, from what I hear, it’s on the gay end of things. Lotsa green in gay. Gay For Pay. Gay DVD’s still bring $15 wholesale; can’t give away the straight ones…unless it’s a Jenna Jameson title. And gay sites convert like mad.

Here’s my problem – I hate watching dudes fuck. It’s pretty awful. It’s a lot like driving by a bad, bad car crash – you can’t take your eyes off the wreck, but it makes you kinda sick…and you end up with nightmares for a long time afterward. I know. I’ve been on gay sets. I’ve even PA’d on a few. I’ve seen guys blowing each other. I’ve seen a dude slip his dick in another dude’s ass. I’ve seen a guy with a big, bushy mustache catch a load in the face. (Ever see a string of cum hang off a man’s facial hair? It’s not a pretty site.) And sure, after a while, that weird feeling wears off…but you’re still stuck watching dudes fuck.

I first told my ex-girl, Sacha, I might be interested in owning gay sites. “It’s where the money is!” I quickly followed up, cause…well, I didn’t want her to think I was gay. She told me if I was truly working in the sex industry to make money, I shouldn’t have a problem shooting pansies. And I couldn’t argue with her.

But it’s watching dudes fuck.

So I came up with No Way Am I Gay. It’s kinda cheating, isn’t it? Instead of watching them fuck, I get dudes who are hard up for cash to whack it while I roll tape. That’s right. Wax The Carrot. Tug The Pee-Pee. Jack The Dong. And I make sure they’re straight doods, cause fags luv ’em.

It’s not all that bad, either. Not as bad as shooting full-blown gay scenes.

The gay guys at my studio said to hire good looking doods, and if they’re ugly, just hire guys with big wee-wees. While big dicks are easy to figure out (what a mighty dong Mr. Hunter has! Mofo is packin’. I had to widen my camera lens when Home Slice got it fully stiff) – looks are a whole different ball game.

I have an idea that, say, Brad Pitt is a good looking guy, but I’d sure as fuck have a tough time walking down the street, pointing out average doods to discuss their looks with a bunch of homos…or chicks, for that matter. I mean I can still sit around for hours and stare at girls. Even being in the biz doesn’t stop me from staring at chicks at the mall, or at a bar.

But not doods – cause no way am I gay.

Super Fun e-Mails: Simon’s a Virgin.

Simon writes: Age: 24 DOB: Feb. 5, 1981 Location: Los Angeles, CA — I don’t necessarily want to audition, however I would like to be on a set to see a taping. I am hoping to be around those beautiful girls to at minimum get a blow job. You see I have never had a blow job, nor had sex nor really kissed a girl before. I thought maybe if I was there one of them could just do a favor and give me a quick blow job. Please respond, and don’t just think this is an attempt by a virgin to “get some.” I’m not fat and not really ugly. I would appreciate a response. Let me know of a location and I will be there to watch and meet the people.

Thank you immensely,
Simon

Dear Simon:

Sorry bro, I don’t think I can help you out. I think peoples’ perception of what goes on at a porn shoot are whacky. Porno sets aren’t orgies. I mean while we’re working on set, we don’t walk around naked – fuckin’ and suckin’ – we wait to do that after we’re all done.

I mean I’d love to, honestly, you poor guy. You’ve never been with a girl — ever?

Wait. I’ve got an idea…maybe we can go partners and start a site. You say you’re in L.A., and that would make things pretty damn easy. Do you have wheels? Can you get around? I’m thinking something like Let’sGetHimLaid.com, and we do exactly that. I think there was this cat named Tubby Bob, and he was fat, and they got him laid a bunch. We could do the same for you! I’ll hire super hot porn girls to suck and fuck you (you don’t have to kiss them if you don’t want) and I’ll even pay you! All you gotta have are two forms of ID and a test that says you’re clean. Then, all you gotta do it let me point lights at you, and we’ll just take it from there!

But hold up…the more I think about this, the more I’m thinking no. See, there’s about 300,000 adult sites out there right now, and this business is getting harder and harder. In the old days – like 1998 – you could start just about any kind of site and make pretty good money. Some even made millions.

Then, everybody started to think they could do it. Even the Russians! Just like the supply and demand stuff you learned in Economics class, the more shit there is, the less it’s worth. And the harder it is to sell. There’s so much free shit out there now I don’t even know how I manage to sell ANYthing.

God, all this talk is starting to depress me.

How about I just take you to a whorehouse? Trip’s on me, pal.

Your pal – Billy.