I Wanna Be A Porn Star!


Samantha writes:

Dear Billy,

I am interested in shooting for your Spunk Mouth website. Here are some recent pics of me! You can post one of my pics on your blog. I can’t wait to read about what you think of me. Let me know if you want to set up a shoot with me. Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you.


Dear Samantha:

I’m not sure if you’re a fan of Howard Stern, but he does this thing where chicks go on to his show, nude-up, and ask Howard if they have what it takes to be in Playboy. Howard usually assembles a panel, too…which sometimes features Ralph, BaBa Booey, some of his other sidekicks, and celebrities, too; I saw Biship Don “Magic” Juan and Snoop Dogg commenting on naked girls once. The thing that makes this part of Hoaward’s show work is the brutal honesty of the panels input to the girl.

So, with that said, I’m going to be as brutally honest as I can, and I do it in respect, fairness, and trying to be as decent as possible. I mean no harm or ill will. I really, really appreciate your bravery…not everyone can just send naked pics to a stranger and ask for work in dirty movies. With that said…let’s go!


Your number 1 asset is your blonde hair. Well…and you’re cute, too. Really cute. Blondies are a favorite of most men, hands down. I prefer brunettes with blues eyes…however, when we slap a blondie on the front page of Spunkmouth, we get more sign-ups. That’s the good news. The bad news is your hips…they look pretty big. But so do your tits. And let’s take a closer look at those hips and ass.


Well yea, I’m right here. Your ass is pretty big. Now, don’t get me wrong…some dudes LOVE a big ass. Especially black guys! Are you gonna plan on doing interracial? Cause the brothas are gonna luv you! And since you’re blonde, I can book you for Blacks On Blondes right away…but I’d love to see you drop about 20. Let’s take a closer look at your face…and your tits.


Well. There’s no doubt about it. You’re cute. Really cute. Your boobs have a slightly odd shape to them, but nothing that would keep you from getting work. And it appears your eyebrows are blonde, too…are you natural? Does the carpet match the drapes? If so, I’d highly recommend you grow that pussy a bit to show off your natural blondeness!

Now on to your side shot:


Damn girl. Some more good things – no tats! Unless you’re hiding something (your hand is on your ass in one shot…maybe there’s a small tat?) But look at those hooker shoes! My weiner is stiff just looking at those!!! But see…you got a small love handle happening there, on your backside…by your arm.

My final assesment is as follows: you’re definately porn material. With a make-up artist and the right clothes, you can definately make a web surfer’s day and help him launch a few loads. You’re as hot as say…JOMG’s Dasha. But right now, you’re a $600 – $700 girl (for b/g sex scenes). Wanna be a $900 girl? Wanna be as hot as say Kelly Kline? Hit the gym. No more potatoes, pasta, or bread. Do the stairmaster. Yoga. Anything cardio. High reps/low weight if you wanna lift weights.

In 3-4 months, you’ll be smokin’ hot.

Please e-mail me back. Let’s get you in front of a camera soon.

Your pal, Billy.

Interview with a Porn Star (#2) — The Minion

The Minion
IShootPorn: We can start with your vitals – your name – age, weight, height, and all that. And how did you get into porn?

The Minion: My real name is Humpty which rhymes with an Umpty. I’m 6’6” and weigh in at a slim, trim, buff, cut, ripped, chizzled, and jacked 330 lbs. I got into porn because Chico Wang was looking for a minion to help him out. I e-mailed him and the gracious gook took me out for lunch that day, and we chatted for a bit. I didn’t hear from him for about a month (he must have been running his dry cleaning business) but I eventually got hired. I have always been a porn fan and was buying tapes when I was 13 (I looked older). I was known as the “porn king” in junior high and high school – but that didn’t get me any pussy.

ISP: I don’t imagine being known as the Porn King in school would get you pussy. Girls probably hated you, huh?

TM: Girls can’t hate you when they don’t know you exist. I went to my high school prom with a blind date. I don’t even remember the chick’s name. I never did well with girls, seeing as how I’m 6’5” and hung like a pimple. Now I’m making up for lost time. Actually, right this second I’m getting ready to do a scene and have a bunch of food ready. I think I’m gonna take some whores with me to my 10 year high school reunion in 2008.

ISP: How do you prefer your bacon cooked? Well done and crispy, or soft n’ chewy?

TM: Listen Hammer, this Jew doesn’t consume bacon or anything from the filthy animal. I don’t eat pork, not even with a fork!

ISP: List your top five favorite porn girl fucks, and why.

TM: 1 – Kacey: She’s somewhat of a legend and she bashed my head into the garage door. I might have suffered some brain bramage.

2 – Sativa Rose: Need I say more?

3 – Kat: She loved pissing on me, and I fucked her raw a few times off camera. She’s nuts, but I love her.

4 – Avy Lee Roth: I was in her for maybe a minute and couldn’t keep wood the entire time. The reason was I did a scene a few hours earlier, and the whore slapped my right ear so hard the pain bounced back and forth between ears. Nonetheless, I still was inside Avy Lee.

5 – Chanel Chavez: She had me stick my cock into a jar of hot salsa. I still fucked her and popped a nice load on her. Think about that while you eat dinner tonight.

The Minion

ISP: Led Zep II or IV, and why?

TM: Led Zeppelin 2 and 4 are both great albums. However, my favorite is In Through The Out Door. If I had to choose I would say Led Zeppelin 2 because Moby Dick rocks! I hope Page and Plant are fans of mine. Could you imagine them watching one of my scenes? I would let them do it if I got backstage to one of their future shows. Backstage catering is something I gotta try out for myself.

ISP: Do you know Wendy’s still offers the Triple, even though the took it off their menu?

TM: I don’t eat at Wendy’s. I’m a Carl’s Jr Man.

ISP: Who gives the best head in the business?

TM: I just had a BJ from Missy Monroe, and she does it really well. I’ve had my miniscule cock in so many whores’ mouths that I can’t really remember. Katin would have to be up there as well. I shot my donut glaze right on her mouth.

ISP: How does someone become like you?

TM: Eat lots of Korean food, never turn down an offer to go to a buffet, and hope your dick is as pathetic as mine.

The Minion can be reached at diabolicminion (at) yahoo (dot) com – photos courtesy of Chico Wang

Gloryhole Brooklyn


The first time I met Brooklyn was on Dogfart’s porch. It was a sunny day, she was at the Mansion to do a Blacks On Blondes scene, and we hit it off pretty well.

We had something in common. In an earlier life, we were both jocks. I knew she was a jock from the second I laid eyes on her. She’s a 6 footer, easily…and she’s not awkward. Sure enough, I found out she played basketball and volleyball. Maybe softbal, too…I don’t recall.

So she did a blowbang scene for BlacksOnBlondes, and then we went and found a Gloryhole. But here’s where the story gets interesting. It was a Thursday, and the end of our shooting week, and I wanted to get home…and home isn’t Los Angeles. So I made Brooklyn a deal: we go shoot the gloryhole, and then she takes me to the airport so I can fly back. I was ready to offer her some gas money, or something…but she agreed.

Willingly agreed.

Isn’t that nice? So we shot the Gloryhole, packed up the gear, and hauled ass to Burbank airport, where I caught the last flight home.

There wasn’t much more of Brooklyn after that. I think she’s on Frank Wank’s site…and that’s about it, as far as I know. She came back to the mansion to shoot one more BlacksOnBlondes scene, and then she retired from porn.

I hope she’s doing well.

Spunkmouth BJ Swallows

BJ Swallows

BJ Swallows shot her first scene with the dude over at Amateur-Allure. He called her Eva, or Eve, or something boring like that.

I came up with the name BJ Swallows. A lot like Howard Stern’s character BJ Hunter, I know…but hey, it works. We first met at a Japanese place for lunch near the library on Central Avenue. She had contacted me from an ad I placed in the local weekly rag; the ad read “Porn Stars make more money in one day than most people make in a week.”

Which is true, by the way.

So BJ shows up in a little, beat-up Toyota, and she’s cute. Really cute. And she’s got some ethnicity going on, which is always a big plus in the Porno World. Dudes love seeing a latina girl, or an asian girl…I think it’s sexy, too.

BJ gets out, we meet and greet, and I buy her a Chicken Teriyaki Bowl. I have the same, plus some California Rolls, too. Lunch was very good. Since there were a lot of people in the tiny place, we really couldn’t talk much about porn. So we had nice, lunchtime conversation.

Afterwards, as I’m walking her back to her car, we got down to the nitty-gritty. I start by saying “the name of the site is Spunkmouth” and she interjects right away: “Oh! That’s not a problem…I’ll swallow cum, gurgle on cum, whatever. I love cum all over my face. Just have the guys blast away!”

I’m not kidding. That fast.

Usually girls kinda cringe when you tell them it’s going in their face. Oh sure, they know it’s porn, and most of the time the money shot is in the face, but that doesn’t mean they like it. In fact, most don’t, even though they might pretend. Especially amatuers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat down with a first-timer and say something like “OK you’ll blow him, he’ll fuck you in a few positions, and then blow him again till he cums in your face” and they wince and kinda plead “does he have to cum in my face?” and that’s when I remind her what the name of the site is, and what porno niche we’re marketing to, and stuff like that.

See – use fancy words like “niche” and “maketing angle” and they’ll nod in agreement.

BJ wanted the jizz in her face. She specifically requested to get blasted in the face. She didn’t want it on her tits, her ass, or anywhere else – in my face, please. I think she says it like that on the video. And before her first video, she pulled me aside and asked if I’d “look at something.” I got worried- cause I didn’t bother to ask to see them nude back then (big mistake) – and she pulls me into a room and shows me some small stretch marks on her tits and tummy.

It’s easy to see she’s nervous, and like all porno girls she’s lacking in the self-esteem department, so I remind her how beautiful she looks and she smiles and is ready to go.

My kinda girl. We shot her twice, and a friend of mine was starting a POV site, so he hired her, too. (The site never came to be, so don’t ask me what it is). After my friend shot her, I never saw her again. She called me about a week later, desperate for money, but I had shot her out. She wanted to come do a private, but I declined. She sounded stoned, or drunk, or something, and suddenly I heard this dude’s voice in the background. That creeped me out. Besides, I’m not much for fucking these porno girls. It’s just not my style.

I never heard from her again.

All Done for Now.

All Done

I came. I saw. I conquered.

Well, that’s a little dramatic. But in the last 12 days I’ve shot 22 scenes. And they’re all pretty damn good. Sure, I sound a bit stuck on myself…but what’s wrong with having a little self-confidence?

Let’s see – where do I start? Well, right out of the chute I nailed a killer Eat Some Ass scene with Angela Stone. (Only members of Spunkmouth get to Eat Some Ass). Angela cums so hard she squirts all over the bed multiple times…so much so I have to take the comforter to the dry cleaners the next day. And I caught it all on tape.

Two killer Blacks On Blondes scenes follow – one with Brooke, who might be one of the hottest girls in the game right now…and the other with Hillary Scott…another heet.

After a cancelled Eat Some Ass scene (due to a nasty staff infection on the female talent) it’s Lyla Lei for Eat Some Ass, Savannah Stern in a 3 on 1 gang bang for Blacks on Blondes, Sahara Knite and Tricia Davis for Eat Some Ass, and Czech sweetie Barbara Summer for a Glory Hole and then a Blacks On Blondes scene.

The only other girl who cancelled was Melissa Lauren – cause the male talent’s “dick was too big” and she didn’t want to fuck him. Still…2 cancelled out of 22. Awesome!

Did I mention Barbara Summer gaped her ass for my camera? Or that Sarhara Knite took a giant load in her face? Or that after Tricia Davis’s scene, I took her and BJ Cox out for dinner and got to hear their tales of woe?

It only gets better! I took a day away from the studio to shoot Sophia out on the beach in Malibu. Then it was back for some more ass eating and interracial sex. A few 12 hour days…a lot of 10 hour days…and one or two 8 hour days.

I shot Ruth Blackwell and Deja Dare and Mia Smiles and Sophie Dee and Elise and Lynn Pleasent.

There was ass sex and cum shots and bloody make-up sponges stuck in pussies. There were gloryhole blowjobs featuring brand new black male talent…and their dicks were jumbo-sized. I had a fight with an agent, and I almost got jumped in my parking lot. I met a new friend who’s a mainstream actor. I got to shoot one of LA Direct’s hottest girls – Estelle – before they fired her. I got to shoot Sindy Lange, who squirted maybe a dozen times during her scene; hence, she just about ruined the couch. I found a great Thai restaurant, saw “Roller Girl” (Heather Graham) in my favorite bookstore…and guess what? Come November 7, I do it all again.

For now, my studio’s empty.

I want to see my dog Maggie. I want to see my brother and my family. I don’t want to see anymore Porn Whores or Porn Agents or Male Talent. I want out of Los Angeles. I don’t want to see traffic, or gang bangers, or my cameras or lights or a porn set. No more model releases or 2257 bullshit. No more douches and enemas. No more cutting a zillion checks to everybody. No more restless nights in the studio. I just want to go home.

And sleep.

Spring Thomas – her first interracial sex scene.

Spring Thomas

It was about 3 years ago this month we started shooting what would become Spring Thomas. This was at Dogfart’s secret mansion, high above the Pacific Ocean. We teamed her up with Byron Long for her very first scene. The scenario: Spring’s a fitness instructor and Byron her student.

Needless to say, it turned into an interracial sex classic.

But here’s the funny part. I don’t need to tell you these shoots are no-brainers. Which is to say all porn is formulaic to the point of being silly. Start with what we call a “pick-up” for about 3 minutes, go to oral sex, then on to sex…4 or 5 positions worth. Once you get about 27 minutes on tape, on to the money shot.

The pop.

The cum shot.

You know.

But as we’re filming Spring’s first scene, we’re at minute 8 and Spring’s still helping Byron with his stretching excersies. Well…there’s been more: we’ve also seen Spring stretch a lot; she’s got a beautiful body and all that…she’s meeted and greeted our stud Byron; she’s showed him the treadmill and got him up and going…and yep. Sure enough. Not 30 seconds into it poor Byron’s pulled his groin. And Spring needs to nurse it back to life.

Well, at about minute 9 Spring tends to Byron’s injury. And yea, she fixed his groin muscle. He also relieved a lot of the stress associated with his pain that day. We got the scene shot and in the can; it was the first of 125 or so….but who’s counting? And say what you will, but in the world of kooky, korny porno girls, where most are here one day and gone the next, Spring’s still going strong. Her yahoo group numbers almost 17,000, and her site rocks. She gets fan mail, hate mail, cuckold mail…you name it. And 3 years ago I’d sure had never thought – for one second – one of my closest friends would be the Interracial Queen of the internet.

I’m starting to think life is nothing more than one big kooky, korny porno scene.

I Wanna Be A Porn Star…

I Wanna Be A Porn Star

AG writes:

my name is a. g.,im 22,mexican and salvadoreno.im 5’5 ,weight 135.black hair,brown eyes,brown skin.I live in the area of san fernando valley in california,usa.my birthday is july 5 of 1983.my yahoo e-mail is agonzalez91331(at) yahoo (dot) com. i do want to make adult videos .please respond back . thanks you for reading my mail. here is my pic

Dear AG.

Hmmmm. I’m not too sure here, bro. But before I get into the whole porn star thang, let’s talk about your writing skills. See, Once Upon A Time, and a long time ago it was, I used to teach English. I’ve taught at every grade level from 7 to community college…and dude, I gotta tell ya, I think you slept through my classes.

But that’s cool, cause who needs writing skills these days, anyway? Porn stars certainly don’t! In fact, there’s not too many who could write themselves out of a paper bag…and that’s OK. Cause to be a male pornstar, all ya gotta have is length, girth, and a big pop shot…and keep it hard from start to end. Hell, these days, I’ll even take a money shot for one of my scenes over length and girth.

Rant time. I think I’ll also digress here, too.

Lately all my male talent has been sucking ass when it comes to the money shot. Don’t get me wrong – they’re OK. But nothing even remotely close to huge. Or even big. And let’s not even think of comparing any of the dudes I’ve shot lately to Peter North.

Here’s the problem as I see it: all the male talent are draining their balls way too much. That is to say, they’re over booking themselves, and then, to make matters worse, they’re actually having sex in their private lives.

How dare them.

See…men are a wholly simplistic creation. We walk around, act like assholes, and spread our seed as far and wide as possible. That’s pretty much it, as far as I can tell. So when male talent walks on to my set, fucks a girl for me, and then dribbles his seed hardly anywhere…and then tries to make some silly excuse as to why he didn’t pop, I simply giggle inside.

Who are they trying to fool?

I mean, I’m a dude. I know how testicles work. Don’t cum for a few days, let ’em fill up, and BAM! You’re Peter North. (Actually, here’s a little secret: don’t cum for a day or two, then beat your meat till you’re about to cum…and right before you’re ready to upload, STOP. Repeat two more times, and then BA-BOOM!!! When you blow your wad, you’re Peter North).

Anyway, let’s get back to you, AG. I assume when you tell me you want to “make adult videos” that means you want to be male talent. Honestly, I think you look kinda funny, and odds are, since you’re from South of the Border, you’re hung like a cocktail weiner. But I might be wrong. So, if you’re 7 inches from base to tip (not balls to tip) and you think you can keep it hard when a bunch of strangers are watching you fuck a porn girl, and if you can fuck the porn girl really hard for like 25 minutes before you cum, and hot, bright lights don’t bother you too much, I’ll give ya a shot. Just hit me up on my e-mail, Hermano.

One last thing AG – and to all the other male porn star wannabes out there: when you describe yourself to a porn producer, forget about your eyes, and your hair, and your body weight. Just tell ’em how big your dick is.

Cause no matter what your girl tells you, size matters.

Chelci Fox

Spunkmouth Chelci Fox

Check out Chelci Fox checking out her e-mail.

Does that make sense?

Anyway, as I’m wrapping another scene for EatSomeAss.com, my pal Jimmy H. comes strolling in the studio with Checli Fox in tow. Chelci Fox. Chelci Motherfuckin’ Fox. Spunkmouth Chelci Fox. Here with Jimmy H. to shoot some porn.

I mean, does it get any better than Chelci? She’s the girl-next-door, she’s a real Georgia Peach, and, get this – she’s actually nice. And yep, those suckers are real. Not a drop of silicone.

Like I said, it doesn’t get any better than this. I shot her second scene for Spunkmouth, and it just went up on the site a cople weeks ago. She’s already got fans, too.

But get this – she’s quitting the porno biz. Yep, all done. Buh-bye. No mas. The end. She’s shot about 12 scenes, and she wants out. She doesn’t like a lot of the people. Her boyfriend is “o.k.” with her making dirty movies…but I know he really isn’t. And she’s made enough to buy a bad ass pickup truck, so from now on out it’s “pretty girls” only. (Pretty girls is an industry term for solo nude posing…kinda like Playboy stuff).

I can’t blame her for wanting out. This business is full of creeps, pervy-pervs, and all-around assholes. Sure, there’s a few good people, but not enough for Chelci. So as she’s telling me she wants out, I tell her the Spunkmouth scene is up, and since we gave her e-mail to the members, why not see if there’s any fan mail? Sure enough, there was.

So check out Chelci Fox checking out her fan mail. In the buff. Cause by this time, she’s already nuded-up and getting ready to change into some sexy lingerie for her first set of pretty girls.

Who knows…maybe I can book one more b/g scene with her?

And if I can, it’s times like this I wish I was talent.

I get your e-mails everyday!

D. writes:

Good Evening Billy,

I am a PSE [porn star escort] hobbyist with a severe penchant to film my encounters …. I just find it fascinating that I can laid if I put a camera in my hand and say that I am a legitimate porno producer!!

The only problem I foresee as being detrimental to my utlimate goal [sexing hot vixens on video with regularity and diversity] and being taken serious by these pornstars, aspiring pornstars and talent agencies is my age [I am 55], body type [bald, hairy and average endowment] and race [I am Asian]. Money and logistics are not my concern.

At this point will it be possible to speak with you in order gain more insider perspective on how magnetize top shelf talent to my video shoots? Have you ever thought about publishing a how-to book on shooting porn?

Thank you and keep up the great websites you run.

Hi D!

Cool new name – “porn star escort”. PSE. Did you come up with that? Ha. Funny.

Yes, you can get laid if you call yourself a porno producer. Just book the girl through an agency, get yourself an AIM test, and you’re good to go. For the most part. I mean you have to be legit, have some sort of production company, and show your wares before you can just book a girl, hold a camera, and fuck her.

Your only obstacle could be what you mention – having someone take you seriously. It isn’t about being an old, bald, hairy dude with a 5 and 1/2 inch dick…it’s simply that no one knows who you are. And until a few folks know who you are, you’re gonna have a tough time booking girls. And sorry, I can’t vouch for you. I mean you sound like an OK guy, with lots of fancy writing skills…but that’s just not enough.

I think I will write a book on Porno Land someday. Maybe even write a movie about it – Boogie Nights meets One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Or The Girl Next Door meets Girl, Interrupted. Something like that.

Oh, and thanks for the nice words about my dirty websites. I try!

Blacks on Blondes Hillary Scott

Hillary Scott

It’s October 16. Here’s what’s gone down so far today:

10:50 am. Hillary Scott shows up for her 11 am Blacks on Blondes shoot. (That’s her in the make-up chair). Even out of make-up and dressed in street clothes, she’s looking hot. It’s very cool she showed up early, too…it’s uncommon in Porno Land. Especially for anything that happens before noon.

Make up girl shows about 10 minutes late. No biggie! I’m on my way!

1/2 hour later, no male talent. And his agent isn’t answering the phone. Ugh. This is not good. 10 minutes later agent answers phone and lets me know he told the talent where to be – and when. But there’s more. Male talent phone number is disconnected. This is really bad news, and I take appropriate action.

As I’m starting the mad cell phone dials, male talent for my night shoot walks in – Boz The Animal. I tell Boz he’s about 8 hours early, but that’s a good thing. No, it’s a great thing; Boz is now my morning talent.

Hillary Scott now done with make-up and looking spectacular.

Then, the male talent for the morning shoots walks in. He’s an hour late. We talk; I tell him he’s been replaced, but he’s hired for the night shoot. All is cool, and I shoot the Hillary Scott Blacks On Blondes scene. It rules. All anal. A.T.M. Swallow.

That sort of thing.

4pm next, and the scene is for my newest site, EatSomeAss.com. It’s not up yet, so don’t bother trying to find it. I’ve got great female talent; she’s naughty as shit and I know she’ll toss this guy’s salad better than Julia Child. And I’m trying out a new dude, and he’s here, so we’re ready to rumble. Until female talent is out of make-up, and nude, and telling me to come over, cause she’s “got something to show me.”

Boils. And they’re everywhere. On her legs. All over her ass. On her hip. In other words, she’s unshootable.

Staff infections are going around Porno Land like wildfire. But it doesn’t end there. Staff is going about LA County like wildfire. It’s all over the place. My fem talent doesn’t know she’s got staff, and when I tell her, she’s really embarrassed. And apologetic. Ready to pay the make-up girl (which I don’t accept).

Cause I gotta kill the scene.

Kill fees: $50 to the male talent. And the make-up artist gets her $150, whether or not the scene gets shot. Now I’m reading the Sunday Times, waiting for my 7 pm talent to get here. It’s another scene for Blacks On Blondes, and it’s gonna be a doozy.

7 pm: New girl Bailey is here! Barely-Legal Bailey. And she’s just as hot as Hillary Scott, but in very different ways. And she’s going to do a double creampie scene.


And for the most part, the scene went well. One guy I’ve never shot before, and I can tell he’s nervous. He ended up nutting early, then had trouble finishing the scene. But you know what? He got the shit done, and that’s all that counts.

It’s 11.09 pm. I started 12 hours ago. I think it’s time to call it a day.