random rants, Super Fun E-mails

The Wonderous Vagina

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Meatflaps

The Slob writes:

Dear Billy,

I was reading your post the other day and critique of wannabe porn star “Samanthaâ€? and was wondering…Does the look of the pussy matter when a girl applies to be in porn? I mean, I’ve seen some horrible meat curtains in my day and I can tell you that as an avid fan of porn, I like to see a nice, neat package on a woman! There is nothing worse that getting all pumped up to see a girl get naked only to have her drop her panties to reveal what can only be described as an Arby’s Roast Beef sandwich!!! Talk about a boner-killer!

The other part of the woman’s care package that I have issues with is hair. Now I’m fully aware that some of the boys out there like a hairy, 70’s looking pussy on a girl that is reminiscent of old “Debbie Does Dallasâ€? style porn, but not me. I like a hardwood floor down there whenever possible. If there must be hair, neatly groomed into a “Runwayâ€? or “Hitler’s Mustacheâ€? is best. It’s nearly impossible to catch a nut looking at a girl with a hairy beaver. It brings a mental comparison of eating her out to making out with Castro!!! GAH!

On a final note, the worst B.E. (bush etiquette) infraction on a chick I can think of is the “Mossy Raisin�. This is a condition found when a girl has a full hedge of hair around her wrinkled penny (asshole)!! That is just no good!

So what’s the skinny for critiquing a girl’s “Down Stairsâ€? before shooting here? And can we have a look at Samantha’s pie?

Slob

Dearest Slob:

You’ve brought up some very good points here, my brotha. First off, a woman’s vagina is the greatest thing God ever created. It is a splendid, wonderous invention. What comes close to a vagina? I can’t think of anything. And I’m thinking Eiffle Tower…Great Pyramids of Egypt…man’s walk on the moon…The Velvet Underground’s first record…

Let’s face it, we’re slaves to vagina. We do things we really don’t want to do for vagina. This is why we are weak and they are strong. Shit, I wish I had a dollar for every minute every man on the face of the Earth thinks about vagina…for just one day! I’d have more money than Wal-Mart, and I wouldn’t have to make any kids work their fingers to the bone to get all that money. I’d even have more money than the guy who owns Blacks On Blondes.

But you bring up something else, my friend, and I need to make a point here. While you might not like the Kentucky Meat Flaps shown here, trust me, there’s a whole lotta guys that do. Not that you’d want to know any of them…or have a beer with them, but trust me, they exist. Just like guys who dig a super-hairy bush. And just like the guys who worship bald beaver.

In fact, I shot this ba-gina in a Gloryhole scene just cause of that meaty vulva you see here today.

Anyway, my tastes run akin to yours, Dr. Slob. I think a woman who pays a whole lotta attetion to her vagina (whether she’s single and hasn’t had sex in 3 years…or she’s getting banged by her boyfriend daily) is super-duper hot. Paying attention to a vagina means it’s either shaved, or trimmed neatly, and hell yea – no hairy bungholes, please. If I wanted to see a hairy ass, I’d be gay.

I myself perfer the two-finger width Brazilian landing strip. But what do we know?

I guess, Slob, the old cliche is true – for every old foot, there’s a shoe.

Your pal, Billy.

PS – Samantha has not replied to my post…so no, I don’t think we’ll be getting a peek at her poonanny anytime soon.

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star

Chelci Fox, Redux

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Spunkmouth Chelci Fox

I just read a brief paragraph about my blog, and for the most part, it was positive. The only negative thing they said was I don’t show a whole lotta nudie pics here. And in fact, I don’t. Sometimes you get one – like today – and sometimes you get none. And sometimes, when I’m feeling really pervy, I’ll toss a handful your way. Besides, who do you think I am, anyway…The Hun? Furthermore, a lot of the nudie pics I post here you can only find here, so quit busting my balls, would ya?

Anyway, after I read about the lack of nudity, I thought I’d give ya a big ol’ present today. Chelci Fox, in the buff. Oh sure, you get to see my chubby ass in there, too. (Look at how pathetic I am, trying to blow a kiss to her.)

And because there’s no warning page on ISP, I had Chelci cover her coochie. Wouldn’t want any minors seeing a vagina.

God forbid.

Oh, did I mention Chelci’s out of the game? She quit. Stone Cold. All done. With shoots booked this month, no less. She’s pissed off a few producers, but I don’t blame her. This is a rough game, and a lot of times it ain’t girl-friendly. She’s available for nudes and solo masturbation stuff, so who knows. Maybe you’ll see her in one of your favorite stroke mags.

Did I mention Chelci’s got just about the nicest set of juggs I’ve ever seen?

It’s late, and I’m sick. I’m starting to ramble. I just walked in from a strip joint. I’ve been to a strip joint twice in the last 5 years, and before tonight it was last month, when Julia Bond danced at Stevie’s Cabaret. I’ll go to Stevie’s tomorrow night, only to say hi to my pal Taryn Thomas. I went tonight cause I felt the need to see some tits.

Taryn Thomas!

I shot her when she was still Britt. Before she left for LA. Before hair extensions. Now she’s all that. And all I can say is right on. You go girl. Couldn’t happen to a nicer person. Of course I’m sincere when I say all this, cause Taryn really wants to be a big star…and she’s almost there. Taryn’s got a sex drive like a dude, and that’s why she’s in this business. It’s not about abuse, or being fucked up on drugs, or supporting a suitcase pimp. Imagine having a girlfriend who loves to fuck!

The last time I talked to her, she called me all giggly and bubbly before her MeatHoles scene; that should tell you something about Taryn’s personality.

Anyway, I’m sick. And tired. But not sick and tired, even though I sound like it from time to time. In a few days I’m back to Los Angeles – The Dark Side – to make more dirty movies. So I better go rest up for now…and let’s see if I can get some nudie pics of Taryn for you guys tomorrow. If she says OK, I’ll post them here tomorrow night. Promise.

I gotta keep giving you a reason to come back here anyway, right?

random rants, random raves, Super Fun E-mails

S.S. and Billy

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All Done

I think before I post S.S.’s latest e-mail, you need some sort of background info on S.S. That’s me on the right. S.S. is supporting the very big hair to your left. Pic snapped at Dogfart’s secret mansion, high on the hill looking out over the Pacific Ocean, 3 years ago. See, during the day, we were churning out interracial sex scenes for Blacks On Blondes at an alarming rate.

And then, at night, the debauchery went down.

The pic you see here is me and S.S., and the height of our misdeeds to society. Coulda been after a jacuzzi session with a barely-legal heet. Coulda been after all the talent flaked on us and no one made their money that day. Coulda been after a scene where the female talent has a break down on set and gets carried out of the mansion in a fetal ball. Coulda been after the black dudes fight among themselves, and we’re all worried about our safety.

All of which went down.

Now S.S. shoots interracial gay porn for Blacks On Blondes sister site, Blacks On Boys.

So, with that intro laid down, S.S. writes to me today:

what’s up billy! how’s life. and business? guess what? i’m outta here. december is going to be my last month . . . it’s just gotten to be too much. i’d like to think that i’m over the porno biz. we’ll see if the seperation is forever, but at the very least it’s gonna be for a while. i…i actually doubt i could mentally / emotionally handle the typical bullshit that comes with this crap more than i already do now. i literally hate being around these people . . so i don’t think i’ll go crazy with shooting before i go, no matter how much i could use the money. fuck it. eventually the money runs out anyway, ya know? eventually it always does. if i want to get away from porno, the main thing i’ll need to do is figure out how to financially make it w/out the easy money! i haven’t earned outside porn cash since 2000!! that is crazy. anyway man hope you are doing well. holler at me – s.s.

See…you all fuckers that read IShootPorn think this is all easy. Fun and laughs. Shits and giggles. Whoop de doo. In fact tonight, at the dinner table, my little brother’s friend comes up to me and laughs the typical laugh when he asks “How’s your work, Billy?”

How come when I run into people who know what I do for a living they chuckle and giggle? Do they giggle and laugh when they ask, say, an accountant how their day went? (I know…I know. Dumb question.)

But the answer to how I’m doing is something close to what my old friend S.S. says above. This shit ain’t easy, my brothas. Don’t envy me. Don’t envy S.S. The porn you pervy bastards beat your meat to – the stuff that doesn’t hit the editing room floor – ain’t what goes down on a set…that’s for sure.

A lot of the people who are talent in my business do what they do cause they can’t function in any other aspect of society. A lot were, in fact, drug dealers and gangsters and fuck-ups of varying degrees. And we deal with them on a daily basis.

Now don’t get me wrong. I ain’t complaining. There’s a reason why me and S.S. are acting all stooopid in that pic. I mean there’s days when shooting porn rules, and I wouldn’t do anything else. But I also wanted to show you that shooting porn ain’t a big ol’ sex orgy.

This ain’t no party. This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no foolin’ around.

This is work. A lot of time it’s hard work.

In other words, it’s a lot like what you do for a living.

Maybe it’s a lot like life.

Super Fun E-mails

I Wanna Be A Porn Star!

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Samantha

Samantha writes:

Dear Billy,

I am interested in shooting for your Spunk Mouth website. Here are some recent pics of me! You can post one of my pics on your blog. I can’t wait to read about what you think of me. Let me know if you want to set up a shoot with me. Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you.

Kisses,
Samantha

Dear Samantha:

I’m not sure if you’re a fan of Howard Stern, but he does this thing where chicks go on to his show, nude-up, and ask Howard if they have what it takes to be in Playboy. Howard usually assembles a panel, too…which sometimes features Ralph, BaBa Booey, some of his other sidekicks, and celebrities, too; I saw Biship Don “Magic” Juan and Snoop Dogg commenting on naked girls once. The thing that makes this part of Hoaward’s show work is the brutal honesty of the panels input to the girl.

So, with that said, I’m going to be as brutally honest as I can, and I do it in respect, fairness, and trying to be as decent as possible. I mean no harm or ill will. I really, really appreciate your bravery…not everyone can just send naked pics to a stranger and ask for work in dirty movies. With that said…let’s go!

Samantha

Your number 1 asset is your blonde hair. Well…and you’re cute, too. Really cute. Blondies are a favorite of most men, hands down. I prefer brunettes with blues eyes…however, when we slap a blondie on the front page of Spunkmouth, we get more sign-ups. That’s the good news. The bad news is your hips…they look pretty big. But so do your tits. And let’s take a closer look at those hips and ass.

Samantha

Well yea, I’m right here. Your ass is pretty big. Now, don’t get me wrong…some dudes LOVE a big ass. Especially black guys! Are you gonna plan on doing interracial? Cause the brothas are gonna luv you! And since you’re blonde, I can book you for Blacks On Blondes right away…but I’d love to see you drop about 20. Let’s take a closer look at your face…and your tits.

Samantha

Well. There’s no doubt about it. You’re cute. Really cute. Your boobs have a slightly odd shape to them, but nothing that would keep you from getting work. And it appears your eyebrows are blonde, too…are you natural? Does the carpet match the drapes? If so, I’d highly recommend you grow that pussy a bit to show off your natural blondeness!

Now on to your side shot:

Samantha

Damn girl. Some more good things – no tats! Unless you’re hiding something (your hand is on your ass in one shot…maybe there’s a small tat?) But look at those hooker shoes! My weiner is stiff just looking at those!!! But see…you got a small love handle happening there, on your backside…by your arm.

My final assesment is as follows: you’re definately porn material. With a make-up artist and the right clothes, you can definately make a web surfer’s day and help him launch a few loads. You’re as hot as say…JOMG’s Dasha. But right now, you’re a $600 – $700 girl (for b/g sex scenes). Wanna be a $900 girl? Wanna be as hot as say Kelly Kline? Hit the gym. No more potatoes, pasta, or bread. Do the stairmaster. Yoga. Anything cardio. High reps/low weight if you wanna lift weights.

In 3-4 months, you’ll be smokin’ hot.

Please e-mail me back. Let’s get you in front of a camera soon.

Your pal, Billy.

Interview with a Pornstar

Interview with a Porn Star (#2) — The Minion

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The Minion
IShootPorn: We can start with your vitals – your name – age, weight, height, and all that. And how did you get into porn?

The Minion: My real name is Humpty which rhymes with an Umpty. I’m 6’6” and weigh in at a slim, trim, buff, cut, ripped, chizzled, and jacked 330 lbs. I got into porn because Chico Wang was looking for a minion to help him out. I e-mailed him and the gracious gook took me out for lunch that day, and we chatted for a bit. I didn’t hear from him for about a month (he must have been running his dry cleaning business) but I eventually got hired. I have always been a porn fan and was buying tapes when I was 13 (I looked older). I was known as the “porn king” in junior high and high school – but that didn’t get me any pussy.

ISP: I don’t imagine being known as the Porn King in school would get you pussy. Girls probably hated you, huh?

TM: Girls can’t hate you when they don’t know you exist. I went to my high school prom with a blind date. I don’t even remember the chick’s name. I never did well with girls, seeing as how I’m 6’5” and hung like a pimple. Now I’m making up for lost time. Actually, right this second I’m getting ready to do a scene and have a bunch of food ready. I think I’m gonna take some whores with me to my 10 year high school reunion in 2008.

ISP: How do you prefer your bacon cooked? Well done and crispy, or soft n’ chewy?

TM: Listen Hammer, this Jew doesn’t consume bacon or anything from the filthy animal. I don’t eat pork, not even with a fork!

ISP: List your top five favorite porn girl fucks, and why.

TM: 1 – Kacey: She’s somewhat of a legend and she bashed my head into the garage door. I might have suffered some brain bramage.

2 – Sativa Rose: Need I say more?

3 – Kat: She loved pissing on me, and I fucked her raw a few times off camera. She’s nuts, but I love her.

4 – Avy Lee Roth: I was in her for maybe a minute and couldn’t keep wood the entire time. The reason was I did a scene a few hours earlier, and the whore slapped my right ear so hard the pain bounced back and forth between ears. Nonetheless, I still was inside Avy Lee.

5 – Chanel Chavez: She had me stick my cock into a jar of hot salsa. I still fucked her and popped a nice load on her. Think about that while you eat dinner tonight.

The Minion

ISP: Led Zep II or IV, and why?

TM: Led Zeppelin 2 and 4 are both great albums. However, my favorite is In Through The Out Door. If I had to choose I would say Led Zeppelin 2 because Moby Dick rocks! I hope Page and Plant are fans of mine. Could you imagine them watching one of my scenes? I would let them do it if I got backstage to one of their future shows. Backstage catering is something I gotta try out for myself.

ISP: Do you know Wendy’s still offers the Triple, even though the took it off their menu?

TM: I don’t eat at Wendy’s. I’m a Carl’s Jr Man.

ISP: Who gives the best head in the business?

TM: I just had a BJ from Missy Monroe, and she does it really well. I’ve had my miniscule cock in so many whores’ mouths that I can’t really remember. Katin would have to be up there as well. I shot my donut glaze right on her mouth.

ISP: How does someone become like you?

TM: Eat lots of Korean food, never turn down an offer to go to a buffet, and hope your dick is as pathetic as mine.

The Minion can be reached at diabolicminion (at) yahoo (dot) com – photos courtesy of Chico Wang

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, The First Time I Met Her, Whatever Happened to Her?

Gloryhole Brooklyn

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Brooklyn

The first time I met Brooklyn was on Dogfart’s porch. It was a sunny day, she was at the Mansion to do a Blacks On Blondes scene, and we hit it off pretty well.

We had something in common. In an earlier life, we were both jocks. I knew she was a jock from the second I laid eyes on her. She’s a 6 footer, easily…and she’s not awkward. Sure enough, I found out she played basketball and volleyball. Maybe softbal, too…I don’t recall.

So she did a blowbang scene for BlacksOnBlondes, and then we went and found a Gloryhole. But here’s where the story gets interesting. It was a Thursday, and the end of our shooting week, and I wanted to get home…and home isn’t Los Angeles. So I made Brooklyn a deal: we go shoot the gloryhole, and then she takes me to the airport so I can fly back. I was ready to offer her some gas money, or something…but she agreed.

Willingly agreed.

Isn’t that nice? So we shot the Gloryhole, packed up the gear, and hauled ass to Burbank airport, where I caught the last flight home.

There wasn’t much more of Brooklyn after that. I think she’s on Frank Wank’s site…and that’s about it, as far as I know. She came back to the mansion to shoot one more BlacksOnBlondes scene, and then she retired from porn.

I hope she’s doing well.

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, The First Time I Met Her

Spunkmouth BJ Swallows

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BJ Swallows

BJ Swallows shot her first scene with the dude over at Amateur-Allure. He called her Eva, or Eve, or something boring like that.

I came up with the name BJ Swallows. A lot like Howard Stern’s character BJ Hunter, I know…but hey, it works. We first met at a Japanese place for lunch near the library on Central Avenue. She had contacted me from an ad I placed in the local weekly rag; the ad read “Porn Stars make more money in one day than most people make in a week.”

Which is true, by the way.

So BJ shows up in a little, beat-up Toyota, and she’s cute. Really cute. And she’s got some ethnicity going on, which is always a big plus in the Porno World. Dudes love seeing a latina girl, or an asian girl…I think it’s sexy, too.

BJ gets out, we meet and greet, and I buy her a Chicken Teriyaki Bowl. I have the same, plus some California Rolls, too. Lunch was very good. Since there were a lot of people in the tiny place, we really couldn’t talk much about porn. So we had nice, lunchtime conversation.

Afterwards, as I’m walking her back to her car, we got down to the nitty-gritty. I start by saying “the name of the site is Spunkmouth” and she interjects right away: “Oh! That’s not a problem…I’ll swallow cum, gurgle on cum, whatever. I love cum all over my face. Just have the guys blast away!”

I’m not kidding. That fast.

Usually girls kinda cringe when you tell them it’s going in their face. Oh sure, they know it’s porn, and most of the time the money shot is in the face, but that doesn’t mean they like it. In fact, most don’t, even though they might pretend. Especially amatuers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat down with a first-timer and say something like “OK you’ll blow him, he’ll fuck you in a few positions, and then blow him again till he cums in your face” and they wince and kinda plead “does he have to cum in my face?” and that’s when I remind her what the name of the site is, and what porno niche we’re marketing to, and stuff like that.

See – use fancy words like “niche” and “maketing angle” and they’ll nod in agreement.

BJ wanted the jizz in her face. She specifically requested to get blasted in the face. She didn’t want it on her tits, her ass, or anywhere else – in my face, please. I think she says it like that on the video. And before her first video, she pulled me aside and asked if I’d “look at something.” I got worried- cause I didn’t bother to ask to see them nude back then (big mistake) – and she pulls me into a room and shows me some small stretch marks on her tits and tummy.

It’s easy to see she’s nervous, and like all porno girls she’s lacking in the self-esteem department, so I remind her how beautiful she looks and she smiles and is ready to go.

My kinda girl. We shot her twice, and a friend of mine was starting a POV site, so he hired her, too. (The site never came to be, so don’t ask me what it is). After my friend shot her, I never saw her again. She called me about a week later, desperate for money, but I had shot her out. She wanted to come do a private, but I declined. She sounded stoned, or drunk, or something, and suddenly I heard this dude’s voice in the background. That creeped me out. Besides, I’m not much for fucking these porno girls. It’s just not my style.

I never heard from her again.

random rants, random raves

All Done for Now.

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All Done

I came. I saw. I conquered.

Well, that’s a little dramatic. But in the last 12 days I’ve shot 22 scenes. And they’re all pretty damn good. Sure, I sound a bit stuck on myself…but what’s wrong with having a little self-confidence?

Let’s see – where do I start? Well, right out of the chute I nailed a killer Eat Some Ass scene with Angela Stone. (Only members of Spunkmouth get to Eat Some Ass). Angela cums so hard she squirts all over the bed multiple times…so much so I have to take the comforter to the dry cleaners the next day. And I caught it all on tape.

Two killer Blacks On Blondes scenes follow – one with Brooke, who might be one of the hottest girls in the game right now…and the other with Hillary Scott…another heet.

After a cancelled Eat Some Ass scene (due to a nasty staff infection on the female talent) it’s Lyla Lei for Eat Some Ass, Savannah Stern in a 3 on 1 gang bang for Blacks on Blondes, Sahara Knite and Tricia Davis for Eat Some Ass, and Czech sweetie Barbara Summer for a Glory Hole and then a Blacks On Blondes scene.

The only other girl who cancelled was Melissa Lauren – cause the male talent’s “dick was too big” and she didn’t want to fuck him. Still…2 cancelled out of 22. Awesome!

Did I mention Barbara Summer gaped her ass for my camera? Or that Sarhara Knite took a giant load in her face? Or that after Tricia Davis’s scene, I took her and BJ Cox out for dinner and got to hear their tales of woe?

It only gets better! I took a day away from the studio to shoot Sophia out on the beach in Malibu. Then it was back for some more ass eating and interracial sex. A few 12 hour days…a lot of 10 hour days…and one or two 8 hour days.

I shot Ruth Blackwell and Deja Dare and Mia Smiles and Sophie Dee and Elise and Lynn Pleasent.

There was ass sex and cum shots and bloody make-up sponges stuck in pussies. There were gloryhole blowjobs featuring brand new black male talent…and their dicks were jumbo-sized. I had a fight with an agent, and I almost got jumped in my parking lot. I met a new friend who’s a mainstream actor. I got to shoot one of LA Direct’s hottest girls – Estelle – before they fired her. I got to shoot Sindy Lange, who squirted maybe a dozen times during her scene; hence, she just about ruined the couch. I found a great Thai restaurant, saw “Roller Girl” (Heather Graham) in my favorite bookstore…and guess what? Come November 7, I do it all again.

For now, my studio’s empty.

I want to see my dog Maggie. I want to see my brother and my family. I don’t want to see anymore Porn Whores or Porn Agents or Male Talent. I want out of Los Angeles. I don’t want to see traffic, or gang bangers, or my cameras or lights or a porn set. No more model releases or 2257 bullshit. No more douches and enemas. No more cutting a zillion checks to everybody. No more restless nights in the studio. I just want to go home.

And sleep.

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star

Spring Thomas – her first interracial sex scene.

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Spring Thomas

It was about 3 years ago this month we started shooting what would become Spring Thomas. This was at Dogfart’s secret mansion, high above the Pacific Ocean. We teamed her up with Byron Long for her very first scene. The scenario: Spring’s a fitness instructor and Byron her student.

Needless to say, it turned into an interracial sex classic.

But here’s the funny part. I don’t need to tell you these shoots are no-brainers. Which is to say all porn is formulaic to the point of being silly. Start with what we call a “pick-up” for about 3 minutes, go to oral sex, then on to sex…4 or 5 positions worth. Once you get about 27 minutes on tape, on to the money shot.

The pop.

The cum shot.

You know.

But as we’re filming Spring’s first scene, we’re at minute 8 and Spring’s still helping Byron with his stretching excersies. Well…there’s been more: we’ve also seen Spring stretch a lot; she’s got a beautiful body and all that…she’s meeted and greeted our stud Byron; she’s showed him the treadmill and got him up and going…and yep. Sure enough. Not 30 seconds into it poor Byron’s pulled his groin. And Spring needs to nurse it back to life.

Well, at about minute 9 Spring tends to Byron’s injury. And yea, she fixed his groin muscle. He also relieved a lot of the stress associated with his pain that day. We got the scene shot and in the can; it was the first of 125 or so….but who’s counting? And say what you will, but in the world of kooky, korny porno girls, where most are here one day and gone the next, Spring’s still going strong. Her yahoo group numbers almost 17,000, and her site rocks. She gets fan mail, hate mail, cuckold mail…you name it. And 3 years ago I’d sure had never thought – for one second – one of my closest friends would be the Interracial Queen of the internet.

I’m starting to think life is nothing more than one big kooky, korny porno scene.

Super Fun E-mails

I Wanna Be A Porn Star…

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I Wanna Be A Porn Star

AG writes:

my name is a. g.,im 22,mexican and salvadoreno.im 5’5 ,weight 135.black hair,brown eyes,brown skin.I live in the area of san fernando valley in california,usa.my birthday is july 5 of 1983.my yahoo e-mail is agonzalez91331(at) yahoo (dot) com. i do want to make adult videos .please respond back . thanks you for reading my mail. here is my pic

Dear AG.

Hmmmm. I’m not too sure here, bro. But before I get into the whole porn star thang, let’s talk about your writing skills. See, Once Upon A Time, and a long time ago it was, I used to teach English. I’ve taught at every grade level from 7 to community college…and dude, I gotta tell ya, I think you slept through my classes.

But that’s cool, cause who needs writing skills these days, anyway? Porn stars certainly don’t! In fact, there’s not too many who could write themselves out of a paper bag…and that’s OK. Cause to be a male pornstar, all ya gotta have is length, girth, and a big pop shot…and keep it hard from start to end. Hell, these days, I’ll even take a money shot for one of my scenes over length and girth.

Rant time. I think I’ll also digress here, too.

Lately all my male talent has been sucking ass when it comes to the money shot. Don’t get me wrong – they’re OK. But nothing even remotely close to huge. Or even big. And let’s not even think of comparing any of the dudes I’ve shot lately to Peter North.

Here’s the problem as I see it: all the male talent are draining their balls way too much. That is to say, they’re over booking themselves, and then, to make matters worse, they’re actually having sex in their private lives.

How dare them.

See…men are a wholly simplistic creation. We walk around, act like assholes, and spread our seed as far and wide as possible. That’s pretty much it, as far as I can tell. So when male talent walks on to my set, fucks a girl for me, and then dribbles his seed hardly anywhere…and then tries to make some silly excuse as to why he didn’t pop, I simply giggle inside.

Who are they trying to fool?

I mean, I’m a dude. I know how testicles work. Don’t cum for a few days, let ’em fill up, and BAM! You’re Peter North. (Actually, here’s a little secret: don’t cum for a day or two, then beat your meat till you’re about to cum…and right before you’re ready to upload, STOP. Repeat two more times, and then BA-BOOM!!! When you blow your wad, you’re Peter North).

Anyway, let’s get back to you, AG. I assume when you tell me you want to “make adult videos” that means you want to be male talent. Honestly, I think you look kinda funny, and odds are, since you’re from South of the Border, you’re hung like a cocktail weiner. But I might be wrong. So, if you’re 7 inches from base to tip (not balls to tip) and you think you can keep it hard when a bunch of strangers are watching you fuck a porn girl, and if you can fuck the porn girl really hard for like 25 minutes before you cum, and hot, bright lights don’t bother you too much, I’ll give ya a shot. Just hit me up on my e-mail, Hermano.

One last thing AG – and to all the other male porn star wannabes out there: when you describe yourself to a porn producer, forget about your eyes, and your hair, and your body weight. Just tell ’em how big your dick is.

Cause no matter what your girl tells you, size matters.