Category Archives: random raves

random raves, Random Thoughts

Some Things I Love in My Life, Lately.

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lunchables

Lunchables: My very favorite snack at the moment is super white trash, super dumb…and super yum! They’re so easy! Just peel the plastic top off, and you get your cheese, your meat, and your crackers…in three separate little containers! MMmm-mmm good! I’m actually fond of the Turkey / Cheddar combo, but the only picture I could find was the Ham / Cheddar choice. They’re not perfect, though: your cheddar cheese option is placed in the packaging kinda sideways (in order to make it all fit nicely), so you gotta pull the hunk of pre-sliced cheese out of the package and turn it the right way in order to peel them off. Well, when you do that, they don’t fit into the original packaging anymore, so just make sure wherever you set them down is clean.

Silver Lake: This tidbit of info from the Silver Lake web site: “The Silver Lake area is located just five miles northwest of downtown Los Angeles and just east of Griffith Park. The district gets its name from the Department of Water and Power’s Silver Lake Reservoir, which was named after Herman Silver, a member of Los Angeles’s first Board of Water commissioners. The Department of Water and Power established these reservoirs in the early 1900s as part of the city-wide system of water storage & delivery that today has only 10 open reservoirs remaining.”

The reason I like Silver Lake? It’s exactly 2.1 miles around, which makes for a great power walk with Maggie, and I’m starting to jog it, too…on a daily basis! Well, almost…but I’ve dropped a few LB’s, which means soon, you’ll be able to do your laundry on my wash board abs.

Uh huh.

Bill Maher: He’s a bachelor. He’s not an atheist, but pert near…and he sure does a good job arguing against religion; these two things we have in common. But no one tackles politics better than Bill. I watch his show to death, and the poor women in my life have suffered through Saturday nights in front of HBO and “Real Time”. (No wonder I’m single). I hear he loves black chicks, but I can’t confirm that. I also hear he’s a stone cold freak in the sack, but I can’t confirm that, either. But hey, when you’re friends with porn stars, you wouldn’t believe the shit you hear about celebs and what makes their freak flags fly. I think Bill’s my very favorite dude right now, but No Way Am I Gay.

Big Star Small World: I’ve gushed about Big Star more than once. If you still haven’t figured them out, here’s a quick intro: this kid named Alex Chilton was in a band called “The Box Tops” in the late 60’s, and the reason I refer to him as a kid is cause he was really just a kid. As a teen living in Memphis, Chilton wrote a song called “The Letter”, and it took The Box Tops to #1 in the charts. Then, Big Star…and relative obscurity. Certainly no more #1’s. In its short life, Big Star released three records, and all of them are masterpieces…well, certainly the first two. Flash forward to the late 90’s, and a small record label decided to do a Big Star tribute record, and they got acts like The Gin Blossoms and Matthew Sweet and Wilco to record their favorite Big Star songs. But before they can release it, the label goes belly-up, and the record languished for another decade (or so) until another label licensed the material and released it. Wilco’s version of “Thirteen” might be as good as the original; same goes for Whiskeytown’s cover of “Give Me Another Chance”. I was never a huge fan of The Gin Blossoms — even though we lived in the same neighborhood in Tempe, Arizona — but they fucking nailed “Back of a Car”. Fucking nailed it. If you don’t immediately go to iTunes and grab this, then you’re simply a fag. Which isn’t really a bad thing to be, right? No Way…

Aurora Snow: I think I’ve told you this, but I quit beating my meat to porn about the same time I starting shooting it. Fun, huh? What a way to cure “porn addiction” — just start making it! Not that I was addicted to porn; fuck, I don’t even believe in “porn addiction”. I believe behaviors that take us away from whatever it is that’s making us miserable (like a wife that won’t give it up anymore). Before I continue the digression, the reason I bring this all up is Aurora Snow was one of the last girls I ever pleasured myself to. (Is it OK to end a sentence with “to”?) Anyways, Aurora just spent the last 3 or 4 days in my studio, and she’s simply awesome. We took a trip to a brand new gloryhole, and she did another scene for Blacks on Blondes (the free movies were shot at Dogfart’s secret mansion 6 years ago, when she was still a teen), and she’s the latest update on Manojob, and we shot a couple top-secret projects, too. Aurora’s been in the game for 8 years now — 2 more than me — and she still really likes it.

I like Aurora.

A lot.

Ernest Borgnine: He’s 91 years old. He won an Oscar for Best Actor in 1955 for playing the lead in “Marty”. He just did a book signing at Book Soup, one of my very favorite bookstores. He’s a young, spry, 91 — and he says the way he stays that way is by beating off a whole bunch.

I’m fucking serious.

I Shoot Porn’s brand new look! : My blog is almost 3 years old. I’m closing in on 600 entries. While the writing might be stale at times, there’s no reason for the look to be stale, too. Time for a make over! Lemme know what you think.

Aurora Snow

Nothing To Do With Porn, random raves, Random Thoughts, What I'm Listenting To Lately

NME names the Top 100.

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Reaction to NME top 100 list

I love lists.

I think I’ve mentioned this before. When I was a kid, and we’d go on family trips to Florida, I’d lay in the back of my dad’s van and read Wallace and Wallechinsky’s The Book of Lists. It’s funny, cause looking back, I realize reading that book was my earliest exercise in critical thinking. It was more than just flipping through weird lists of odd things. For me, it was wondering: why do people hate Nixon more than Hitler? What are the 10 words you can’t pronounce correctly? And can I pronounce them? Which world leaders were assassinated…and why? And why in the world does it take an elephant so long to have a baby, when it only takes a possum a few weeks to do it?

I was entertained for hours.

And when I was bored with the book, I’d beat my little sister up. Or sit on her face and fart.

Before they went out of business, Tower Records published a totally worthless magazine, but I always picked it up, cause the first few pages featured “Desert Island Discs”, which were nothing more than readers’ top 10 records they had to have if they were stuck on a deserted island. Silly, of course, cause a deserted island would never have a stereo system — let alone an electrical outlet for your record player — but the reader lists made for some might fun reading.

And, for me, the lists always boiled down to a reaction that went something like this: what a dumb ass! He ranked Tusk higher than The White Album!! Fucking faggot!!!

In 1987, Rolling Stone made their first top 100 ever list, and I remember Sgt. Peppers being #1, and Never Mind The Bollocks being #2, and that made sense to me…then they fucked almost everything up.

That Rolling Stone issue also had the famous photograph Bob Gruen snapped of The Pistols…the one where they were ticking straws in their ears at the diner table. Or maybe it was John Rotten sticking his straw into Sid’s ear. (I had to look at that picture one more time to remember it correctly, cause it’s been about that long since I last saw it…and guess what! You can buy a copy!)

Just recently NME published their top 100, and it’s simply god awful. And if you thought NME’s was bad, get a load of this.

Both are bad…to a degree, of course.

Cause lists like this are published to do nothing more than make you read them and think things like what a dumb ass! They ranked an Oasis record higher than Sgt. Peppers! Fucking faggots!! And where’s Jim Hendrix?! And there’s two Oasis records on their top 10?! The Stone Roses?! Are you kidding me? Meatloaf is #25?! Mike Oldfield before Bob Dylan?! The Velvets are where!? Shania Twain!? NO RAMONES!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!

Before I give you NME’s list, I’ll give you mine, and I’ll expect yours when you comment on all this mess. All this mess will, of course, include my list. And while I’m at it, a few words on my list:

1. It changes all the time. Sometimes daily, sometimes monthly.

2. I have different lists for different occasions.
a) A list to try and impress a girl.
b) A list to piss off music snobs.
c) A list to piss off a drunk.
d) A “real” list, in which I employ a certain criterion to judge all art I choose to judge…which is to say everyone has an opinion on anything any artist creates, and the only sure-fire way to accurately judge something beyond your own tastes is to judge it on how said piece of art has influenced other great artists working within a particular field…which is to say Robert Johnson should be in a pop music top 10 list, just as Marcel Duchamp needs to be on everyone’s favorite artist’s list, as Andy Kaufman needs to be everyone’s top 10 comedian…right?

With that said, here’s my top 10 best records ever, as of right now, which is to say 10 am on Tuesday morning, July 29, as I sit in my little brother’s front room in Arizona, stressing over the amount of work I still have to do in order to get the rest of my shit to Los Angeles…and finally, this as a “D” list:

1. The Velvet Underground: The Velvet Underground and Nico.
2. The Stooges: Raw Power.
3. The Beatles: Revolver.
4. Miles Davis: Kind of Blue.
5. The Sex Pistols: Never Mind The Bullocks.
6. Meat Puppets: II.
7. Big Star: Big Star.
8. Van Morrison: Astral Weeks.
9. Nirvana: Nevermind.
10. Liz Phair: Exile in Guyville.

And here’s NME’s:

1. Oasis: Definitely Maybe 1994
2. The Beatles: The Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band 1967
3. The Beatles: The Revolver 1966
4. Radiohead: OK Computer 1997
5. Oasis: (What’s The Story) Morning Glory? 1995
6. Nirvana: Nevermind 1991
7. The Stone Roses: The Stone Roses 1989
8. Pink Floyd: Dark Side Of The Moon 1973
9. The Smiths: The The Queen Is Dead 1986
10. Radiohead: The Bends 1995
11. U2: The Joshua Tree 1987
12. The Clash: The London Calling 1979
13. The Beatles: The The Beatles (White Album) 1968
14. The Beatles: The Abbey Road 1969
15. Libertines: The Up The Bracket 2002
16. The Sex Pistols: The Never Mind The Bollocks 1977
17. Led Zeppelin: Led Zeppelin IV 1971
18. David Bowie: The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust 1972
19. Queen: A Night At The Opera 1975
20. The Strokes: The Is This It 2001
21. The Killers: The Hot Fuss 2004
22. The Beach Boys: The Pet Sounds 1966
23. Jeff Buckley: Grace 1994
24. Manic Street Preachers: The Holy Bible 1994
25. Meat Loaf: Bat Out Of Hell 1977
26. Guns N’ Roses: Appetite For Destruction 1987
27. Kaiser Chiefs: Employment 2005
28. The Beatles: The Rubber Soul 1965
29. Fleetwood Mac: Rumours 1977
30. The Libertines: The Libertines 2004
31. Verve: The Urban Hymns 1997
32. Green Day: American Idiot 2004
33. Coldplay: A Rush Of Blood To The Head 2002
34. Blur: Parklife 1994
35. Michael Jackson: Thriller 1982
36. Pink Floyd: The Wall 1979
37: R.E.M.: Automatic For The People 1992
38. Franz Ferdinand: Franz Ferdinand 2004
39. Mike Oldfield: Tubular Bells 1973
40. U2: Achtung Baby 1991
41. Pink Floyd: Wish You Were Here 1975
42. Rolling Stones: The Exile On Main Street 1972
43. Simon & Garfunkel: Bridge Over Troubled Water 1970
44. Led Zeppelin: Led Zeppelin II 1969
45. Blondie: Parallel Lines 1978
46. Dire Straits: Brothers In Arms 1985
47. Bob Dylan: Blood On The Tracks 1975
48. David Bowie: Hunky Dory 1971
49. Coldplay: X&Y 2005
50. The Who: Who’s Next 1971
51. Keane: Hopes And Fears 2004
52. Coldplay: Parachutes 2000
53. Abba: Arrival 1976
54. Pulp: Different Class 1995
55. The Velvet Underground: The Velvet Underground + Nico 1967
56. Love: Forever Changes 1967
57. Marvin Gaye: What’s Going On 1971
58. The Rolling Stones: The Let It Bleed 1969
59. The White Stripes: The Elephant 2003
60. The Pixies: Doolittle 1989
61. Muse: Absolution 2003
62. Elton John: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road 1973
63. Queen: Sheer Heart Attack 1974
64. Shania Twain: Come On Over 1997
65. Prince: Sign O’ The Times 1987
66. Pearl Jam: Ten 1991
67. Kasabian: Kasabian 2004
68. Green Day: Dookie 1994
69. Muse: Origin Of Symmetry 2001
70. Kate Bush: Hounds Of Love 1985
71. Bob Dylan: Blonde On Blonde 1966
72. The Jam: All Mod Cons 1978
73. Joni Mitchell: Blue 1971
74. The White Stripes: White Blood Cells 2001
75. Suede: Dog Man Star 1994
76. Metallica: Metallica (Black Album) 1991
77. Human League: Dare! 1981
78. Joy Division: Closer 1980
79. Nirvana: In Utero 1993
80. AC/DC: Back In Black 1980
81. Arcade Fire: Funeral 2004
82. Razorlight: Up All Night 2004
83. Madonna: Ray Of Light 1998
84. Bruce Springsteen: Born To Run 1975
85. Led Zeppelin: Physical Graffiti 1975
86. Arctic Monkeys: Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not 2006
87. Queen: A Day At The Races 1976
88. ABC: The Lexicon Of Love 1982
89. Spice Girls: Spice 1996
90. Depeche Mode: Violator 1990
91. Snow Patrol: Final Straw 2004
92. T. Rex: Electric Warrior 1971
93. Alanis Morissette: Jagged Little Pill 1991
94. Joy Division: Unknown Pleasures 1979
95. Radiohead: Kid A 2000
96. Electric Light Orchestra: Out Of The Blue 1977
97. The Smiths: The Smiths 1984
98. Jimi Hendrix: Electric Ladyland 1968
99. Rage Against the Machine: Rage Against The Machine 1992
100. The Eagles: Hotel California 1976

Sex Pistols with straws

random rants, random raves, Random Thoughts

Watermelon: The New Viagra!

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Aiden Starr

Lately, I haven’t felt like I have anything worthwhile to say anymore, so I’ve been checking news articles for Bloggin’ Fodder.

I think I found a funny one.

According to “WebMD” and CBS News, it appears there’s some “natural Viagra” in watermelon.

I dunno about you, but I like my watermelon chilly-chilled in the fridge.

Is this why black guys can fuck better?

Do black guys even really fuck better?

And how horribly, stereotypically racist am I being right now?

The “natural Viagra” in question is called “citrulline”, and that stuff makes the blood vessels in your wiener fill up more readily. The next thing you know…boner.

Wood.

President Woodrow Wilson.

Scientists all over the place are already poo-pooing the idea that there’s enough citrulline in watermelon to turn your pee-pee hard, but it’s kinda fun to think that a cool slice o’ melon over the 4th of July weekend means you’re gonna pound your chick like you never have before.

But let’s get back to the whole “do black guys fuck better than white guys?” thing.

Yes.

Or no.

All it depends on the sexual stimuli at hand and how your neuro-biological processes process that stimuli.

Shit…am I getting in over my head?

I Google, goddammit, just like you do, and lately I’ve been interested in the human psyche and what makes people do the things they do…especially the naughty stuff.

And the dumb stuff.

What makes a man want to be treated like a baby…literally? Have a woman diaper him so he can mess his diapers and get scolded…and cleaned up?

What makes a man want to have a nice lady drop a turd on his chest?

What makes a man spend $30 on a Crack Whore when he lives with a Supermodel?

What makes a man want to watch his wife get banged out by some ghetto thugs?

What makes a man want to have his testicles clobbered?

What makes a man want to be reminded how small his wiener is while he’s fucking a nice lady?

What makes a man want to tie a nice lady up so he can leave her there for four hours while he goes and grabs a beer with his buddies…only to come back, fuck the living shot out of her, and then send her home?

And what in the world makes that nice lady want to take it?

I’ve always wondered about the common elements that create The Porn Whore, for example. Not that being a Porn Whore is dumb, but I don’t think it’s the smartest career choice for anyone…man or woman. Anyways, I know I’ve blogged this before, but why not make a quick mention of it again?

The sure-fire neuro-biological ingredients (do I even call them that?) to cook up a Porn Whore (choose any number of the following):

1) Grow up without money.

2) Grow up without attention.

3) Grown up being force-fed Religious beliefs.

4) Grow up in an abusive household (see also #2).

I wonder what makes people think that, on a whole, black dudes fuck better than Whitey? I mean, do they really fuck better than Whitey, or are the people getting fucked so into being fucked by a Negro that it makes sex better?

Ever think white girls fuck black guys just to piss off Daddy? (see also #2)

Ever think black guys wanna fuck white girls just cause they can?

Does any of this even make any sense…or am I rambling?

I am. I think cause I haven’t blogged in a while, and, like I said when I started this whole rant, I don’t think I have much more to say.

About anything at all.

But I’m sure something will come up soon.

In fact, I’m quite sure of it.

PS: I’ve just enabled the “Comments” section, after a few years of not letting people say anything at all about what I have to say…mostly cause of SPAM. So, do me a favor, and go sign up to leave comments. It’s at the bottom left of the blog, under the little calendar thingy.

Please.

After all, it’ll make I Shoot Porn way more fun.

Having fun tickles your neuro-biological processes — until they giggle — just like a little girl!

And that’s what makes life worth living, right?

Aiden Starr

random rants, random raves

How Far Are We Gonna Push It?

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Diarrhea Bukkake

In the very same day — today, actually — I just read about the Visconti Triplets and diarrhea bukkake.

The triplets are the very first gay brother trio to be put under contract, and if you’re one of the few who don’t know what a bukkake is, well…um….the genre came out of Japan, and it features cute little Japanese girls receiving anywhere from 50 – 500 loads of jizz all over their pretty faces. And from what I understand, the word literally means “sweet cream” in Japanese, although I cannot confirm this.

I’m not sure if the Japanese have ever really pulled off a 500 man bukkake scene, but I know they have no problem tossing a hundred load dumpers together in one room. I’m 100% confident they’re not having 100 Japanese butts squirting soft serve chocolate soft serve all over their pretty girls — that’s something reserved for the Germans.

Oh, The Germans! What a fun lovin’ tribe! Forget about them stirring up the pot for WWI and WWII! They’ve been a bunch of wild, violent, trouble-makin’ hooligans since their beginnings, when they were kicking all sorts of Roman ass. I think it’s their violent nature that makes them want to poop on Lessers…to this very day.

Don’t you love it when Cartman discovers his mom’s been in a German schizer movie?

And isn’t it enough to take a hot, steamy deuce on someone’s chest without subjecting them to a barrage of diarrhea bukkake?

What the fuck? What’s next?

How about gay triplets fucking man holes and sucking man poles…all on the same set? Don’t get me wrong: if I was forced to sit through one of these fine features — diarrhea bukkake or the triplets, I’d take the triplets any day. But No Way Am I Gay.

(Did I ever tell you guys I shot real-life twins giving a Manojob? The Love Twins, to be exact, and boy were they a Kooky Krew. The Love Twins finish each other’s sentences, and they go to the bathroom together (each and every time they’re together), and they do naughty things off camera as well as on set, and as long as they’re not doing naughty things to each other on set, it’s all perfectly legal).

Anyways…what do you think? Blasting Buttholes full of Doody — or Blasting Buttholes full of Triplet Dick?

I dunno what I should apologize for — the crappy pics of the Visconti triplets, or all this god damned doody talk…

Sorry for the bad pics. Soon, they’ll be stars, and then I’ll be able to Google better pics.

I just ate Chinese, and you know what time it is now…wonder what the male talent got paid for the Diarrhea Bukkake?

And don’t you really wonder what they paid that poor girl to do the Diarrhea Bukkake? How about the cameraman! Did he get to wear a mask throughout that scene?

I think I’m gonna call LA-based agents tomorrow. Each and every one I know. I’m gonna tell them I have a German client that wants to film American girls for Diarrhea Bukkake. Here’s how something like this might go:

“Hey Spieg! I’d like to book Roxy DeVille for a Diarrhea Bukkake.”

Long silence. Then, something like, “any black guys in it? Cause you know she doesn’t do IR.”

“No black guys Spieg,” I reply.

Long silence. Then, “What’s in their budget?”

I’m kidding, of course. I know Roxy. We grew up in the same neighborhood, albeit it 25 years apart. I’m fairly certain Roxy would never do that sort of thing. No girl that grew up in my neighborhood would do such a thing.

Adrianna Nicole, on the other hand…

Visconti Triplets

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, random raves

Me N’ Tia Ling

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Tia Ling

God damnit I love Tia Ling.

Really, I do.

It’s not often that I drop to one knee and pucker up to kiss a little ass. I dunno if my lust for Tia is founded on both of us being Arizona State Sun Devils, or that she’s a super freaky Asian Kitten with over-stuffed mammary glands who loves to suck and fuck.

Actually, it’s a little bit of both.

I first shot Ms. Ling a few years back for the world’s greatest interracial website, Blacks on Blondes. Here’s some free Tia Ling movies I shot that very day. I don’t recall, but I think my homies Ace and Lefty ended up giving Tia a size 10 poop chute after it was all said and done. Here’s free Tia Ling interracial sex pictures I snapped.

Like I said, I shot this a few years back. Afterwards, Tia fell off the face of the Earth. This is common; I thought she had retired. Little did I know she was working on TiaLing.com.

She resurfaced just recently, and when I found out, I immediately booked her for Manojob and TheDickSuckers. Her Manojob scene is live on the site; Tia Ling’s TheDickSuckers.com scene will be up March 16.

I still haven’t washed my face since I smooched that beautiful yellow ass.

random raves

News Flash: Manojob.com is The Greatest Handjob Site In The Whole Wide World.

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Hayley Jade

What started as an idea that had a $150 per scene budget has turned into the Number 1 Handjob Site on the internet, according to Adult Site Surfer.

Check it: Manojob scored a whopping 92, far ahead of Number Two (which was actually a tie between Handjob City and Yank My Crank).

And no, I don’t own, operate, write for, or have any influence at Adult Site Surfer.

They just know great handjob movies when they see ’em.

So get this: I started with the budget, and we all know there’s not a lot of sexy stuff you can get for $150…especially something sexy committed to film. But that’s all I had, and I knew I wanted more than just a solo girl playing with herself for 15 minutes on tape, and I knew I liked handjobs — as opposed to footjobs — so I called my Consigliere and asked him to partner up with me on a handjob site.

“Why not call it Manojob?” he asked.

“A Manojob is better than a handjob!” I said.

He said, “Damn straight.”

I said, “What kind of set up should we shoot? I mean we got a hundred and fifty bucks per scene. That’s nothing.”

“Don’t have any set up. Just have ’em look into a camera and talk like the dirty tramps they are!”

Manojob.com

Manojob.com


Manojob.com

Manojob.com

Let’s face it: getting a Manojob is way better than just an ordinary, dull handjob.

Hayley Jade

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, random rants, random raves

Someone You Know Ever Did Porn?

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Terri Lynn Doss

Shadownomad blogs:

Ok, so…am I weird for wanting to know if any of the girls I went to high school with ever did porn? I’m always fascinated by that sort of thing. I’m always curious as to what people did with thier lives after high school. Somehow I don’t think any of them did (though I did once hear a rumor about one being a stripper) because most of the girls I knew in high school seemed either: (1) too “good” to do that sort of things, or (2) too smart and too sucessful to ever consider doing that sort of thing for money.

Still…I do find myself thinking at times “I wonder if [insert name here] ever did porn?” I’m probably weird for having those thoughts. For that matter I wonder if any of the guys did porn 😛 I hear it’s tough to become male talent because there is an overabundance of guys always wanting to break into that buisness. Leave it to men to think it’s a good job to fuck all the time. From all the stuff I’ve read by directors and stuff it’s really not as glamorous as it sounds, lol.

Billy Watson blogs:

When I was growing up I hung out with this cat named Al. It was a long time ago, when Camaros were bitchin’ and the internet didn’t exist — neither did cell phones, MTV, CD’s, laptops, or Brittney Spears.

Al had a step-sister named Terri, and she was fucking smokin’ hot. Terri was blonde, and always had a smile on her face, and her tits were almost as perfect as her ass. She was also a year younger than me, and back then I’d die before I’d date a younger girl.

Oh! How times have changed.

Fast forward a few years, when MTV was alive and well and good, and people still didn’t know what a text message was, but some had computers, although the internet wasn’t really a viable thing yet, but CD’s were so hot no one wanted their vinyl records anymore (dopes), and still no one knew — or cared about — Brittney Spears.

I don’t remember who ran up and thrust the Playboy in my hand, but there she was, and instead of being “Terri” she was now calling herself “Terri Lynn”, and she looked better than ever.

I took that magazine back to my apartment and beat off to it like a monkey in the zoo.

I think I blasted three times, back-to-back, before I had to leave to do whatever it was I had to do…and if I coulda stayed in my bedroom and whacked it some more, trust me, I would have.

What was I thinking? Why not date younger chicks? I had Terri within arm’s reach…more than once! I used to say “hi” to her on the phone when I’d call Al! I’d smile and make small talk with her at school!

AND NOW SHE’S A PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD. JESUS H. CHRIST. EXCUSE ME WHILE I JERK AND BLOW ANOTHER ONE.

Although it’s dumb to assume I would have had a chance with Terri, I didn’t even step up to the plate with her…and really, isn’t that all it takes most of the time?

I couldn’t believe a girl I knew was naked in a magazine. And not just any magazine…Playboy. It made my brain almost melt. I remember a few years after this all went down I was in Vegas with a pal of mine who like to bet big.

No, he bet large.

Extra Large.

And he won a lot, too, and after a good night at the tables he’d end up buying a few whores, and we’d go back to the room and bang them, and one of the whores had the copy of “Busty” magazine she appeared in, and I looked at her pictorial as I banged her, and I was convinced, at that very moment in time, that I was the coolest dude in the whole wide world.

When really I was nothing more than a Trick.

Sometimes I check my internet stats to see where my readers are coming from, and one day I noticed I was getting a ton of traffic from a Chevy S-10 bulletin board. So I go to check it out, and sure enough, the post on this board is exactly what I’m talking about now.

First I see Harley Valley mentioned, and later Jackie Joy.

The best thing about reading these dudes who grew up with girls who are now in porn is the amount of shit talking they do:

i wouldnt have let her touch me in highschool

I know a few girls from HS who ended up doing porn. None of them were remotely slutish or hot in high school, and are still disgusting today.

Search for Jacky Joy…I went to HS with her and she’s a dumb ugly slut. My buddy used to date her and laughed his ass off when he heard she was doing slut porn.

went to high school with a girl who is now doing porn, her screen name is Mindy Main. it is pretty entertaining to see a chick you went to high school with naked everyday.i work at a porn store and her movies get rented quite a bit…im surprised she has been as successful as she has been lol

Looking back at it now, I’m not sure why I went nuts over Terri’s Playboy spread, or why these dudes are going nuts over the porn whores they knew back when.

Maybe I’m just jaded.

Maybe I’ve filmed too many people fucking over the course of 5+ years to care about it much anymore.

Maybe I’m just bored.

Nothing To Do With Porn, random raves

My Hero Iggy Pop.

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Iggy Pop

If you know anything about “riders”, you know they’re the contracts musicians draw up with concert promoters. They cover all sorts of bases, like the venue the show is going to take place, as well as what kind of yummy food the band gets before (and maybe after) the show, as well as how much they’re getting paid…blah blah blah.

Van Halen became notorious for their rider, which asked for (among other things) a bowl of M&M’s to be placed out for the band, sans the brown ones.

You can read Iggy’s rider at The Smoking Gun, but I’ll save you some time and just highlight some of Iggy’s very favorite things:

Iggy wants a back stage room that looks a little “less like a typical rock & roll dressing room and more sort of…interesting.”

Iggy would like a “homosexual” to add a little “artistic flair” to his room.

Iggy would like a “kettle or water heating device” along with some “fresh ginger, honey, lemons, and a sharp knife”.

Iggy would like an English language newspaper.

Iggy would like “someone dressed as Bob Hope” to do “fantastic Bob Hope impersonations and telling all those hilarious Bob Hope jokes about golf and Hollywood and Bing Crosby”.

Best of all?

The following is a last-page addendum to Iggy And The Stooges current rider, outlining a show Iggy came up with:

Dead Dog Island:

By the way, if there are any Reality TV executives reading this — hardly likely, I know, but — here is my idea for a Reality TV show.

It’s called “Dead Dog Island”, where a group of contestants / dog lovers are asked what is their favorite breed of dog, then whatever they reply (for example, “Poodle” or “Labrador”) they are then presented with a dead dog of that particular breed, which they have to cook in a number of different ways, say about six or seven, and then eat it all up over the course of the next, oooh…two weeks or so.

But just to make it a little more difficult and sort of gameshow-y, all the knives are blunt, and they have to wear a pair of those enormous clown trousers, made out of wood or something, so that they can’t quite reach anything.

The first person to completely eat all his (or her) dog, and not be thrown off the island by the public for being too pleasent, or maybe unpleasant, wins another, live dog of exactly that same breed. And pots of money. And free dogfood for life (of the dog).

This all would take place on some romantic tropical island somewhere, so it would all be very visual and make really super telly.

Maybe there could be a celebrity version, with currently out-of-the-spotlight celebrities in it. Does anyone know if Cher is a dog lover? I think Steve Nicks probably is.

Oh, and no sicking it all up into a bucket every night when the cameraman goes to bed. That would be frowned upon…

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, random raves, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

Bree Olson — My Personal, Part-time Cleaning Lady

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Bree Olson

When Bree Olson is a little short on pocket change, I have her swing by my place, and I put her to work. This time, for $10 an hour, I had her to a little kitchen clean up…you know, the dishes, counter tops, clean out my fridge. Often, while she’s doing the odd, little chores I have for her, she winds up nude.

All this is, of course, a big fat lie. Since signing her contract to Adam & Eve — and winning the AVN for Best New Starlet — Bree Olson doesn’t need any pocket change. In fact, I bet her pockets are much fatter than mine.

Bree’s awesome. One of the best in the biz. If she wants it, she could end up one of the best ever. I wish I could work with her again, but that’s OK. She’s a contract star, and she deserves it.

Did I mention the Bree Olson fan page?

Then what’s the point here? Well…I just scored a gig shooting for Donny’s Girls. I’m really excited about it, too, cause all the girls on Donny’s site are soft core girls. Well…most of them are soft core models only. Some do hardcore…like Bree. But the whole site is a softcore site, akin to Penthouse style poses.

But who’s Donny? And how did he score all these girls?

Donny is Donovan Phillips, and he recently found the Lord, so no more taking pictures of nekkid girls for Donny. That’s kinda how I scored the gig. I won’t go into how I feel about Donny’s decision; all I’ll say is I respect peoples’ convictions and faiths the best I can — including Donny’s decision to stop his evil ways and follow a more pure, righteous path.

There’s nothing wrong with taking dirty pictures and making dirty movies, and Hell’s the last place a person is going to end up for making smut or pleasing themselves to it.

No Way Jose.

Boy do I like this soft core gig! No more waiting on wood from the male talent; no more waiting on a pop shot from the male talent; no lube, baby wipes, or whining from the female talent cause there’s jizz in her eye and it burns.

And let’s face it — in the general scheme of things, the girls who don’t do hardcore are hotter than the girls who do it. Remember, that’s the general scheme of things. I’m not dissing the hardcore girls one bit, but let’s face it, the hotter you are, the less shit you gotta eat in this world.

Or, the less jizz you gotta eat.

Ain’t life grand?

Bree Olson

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, random rants, random raves

Unsung Starlets

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Gianna Michaels

The AVN Awards are over, and the only award categories I gave a shit about were “Unsung Starlet of the Year”.

I hate the term “porn star”; moreover, I hate girls who walk around referring to themselves as “porn stars”.

Boy: What do you do for a living?

Girl: I’m a porn star.

No you aren’t. You might fuck in front of a camera, and you might have been doing it for a while…but that doesn’t make you a porn star.

Porn Stars transcend the business. Which is to say if you asked the average person walking down the street, Hey, who is (fill in your favorite porn whore’s name here)? they’d recognize the name.

And I’m not talking about asking a Porno Fan who whacks it in front of TV — or the computer — all day long.

I’m talking about The Average Joe. If you walked up to Average Joe and asked, “Do you know who Jenna Jameson is?” of course they’d know, cause Jenna is a motherfucking Porn Star.

It’s that simple. And the list of the rest of them isn’t that long: Nina Hartley, Ron Jeremy, Traci Lords, and John Holmes immediately come to mind.

And that’s about it.

Stormy Daniels? I dunno. Kaite Morgan? Maybe…cause HBO’s in love with her. Even Stone? No way. Tera Patrick? I dunno. Ginger Lynn? Yea…maybe.

Anyways, this means that just about all the girls working the porn circuit right now could, in a way, be classified as an “Unsung Starlet”. And it’s all these unsung starlets that are responsible for coaxing those loads out of your ball sac. It’s the unsung starlets that go from set to set, director to director, almost every day…a lot of times not knowing what they’re about to get themselves into: shitty male talent; shitty director; shitty make talent and director.

The only criteria to be an unsung starlet, as far as I’m concerned, is one of time: you gotta be in porno for at least a year to be an unsung starlet. And never, ever call yourself a “Porn Star”.

That’s about it.

And the nominees for the 2008 AVN Unsung Starlet Award were:

Roxy DeVille: She totally deserved this award. Totally hot, great to work with, and hardly ever talked about. At least not that I see.

Gianna: Gianna won. She deserved it, too. Hands down. Gianna works her ass off, takes this biz very seriously, and is great to work with. Congrats Gianna!

Veronica Jett: She deserved this award. She’s great to work with, a pleasure to have on set, and she has has her own free site!

Katarina Kat: I have no idea who this silly whore is. Why call her silly? Why call her a whore? Why not! And of course I use the term “silly whore” as one of admiration and respect. Really…I do.

Faith Leon: Again, I’ve never heard nor seen nor shot Faith Leon. But then again, I quit watching porn about five years ago, which, not-to-coincidentally, is about the time I got into this biz.

Gianna Lynn: Who? Maybe this is another good qualifier for the “Unsung Starlet” nomination — if I’ve never heard of them, call them “unsung”.

Brooke Haven: She totally deserved this award. Brooke’s been cranking out super hot scenes for at least the last 3 years, which, if I’m not mistaken, was the last (and only) time I’ve worked with her. Maybe it was two years ago.

Lindsey Meadows: Uh huh. Unsung.


Trina Michaels: Trina’s another one who deserved the trophy. Wait. It’s a statue. Wait. It’s a glass thingy that doubles as a paper weight or a murder weapon. I dunno. What I do know is that last time I shot Trina was with Ruth Blackwell, and Trina took it in the cakes. Like a Champ. An Ass Champ.

Mikayla: I’m tired of one-named porno girls, except maybe Sophia, who’s been noticeably left off this nominee list.

Adrianna Nicole: OK, I might sound a bit biased here, but Adrianna should have won this award, cause she’s an excellent friend, and she has impeccable tastes when it comes to movies, dining out, and taking pics of her own poop. She also shoots a fucking hot scene, and she’ll do just about anything you ask of her…as long as the rate is right.


Amber Rayne: Another good candidate. Amber’s one of the best. Her ass gapes beautifully, and she likes hockey a whole lot. That should mean something to someone.

Mia Rose: Who are some of these girls? Unsung, I suppose…

Sammie Rhodes: As long as I’ve seen her around — and I did shoot Sammi once, and she was great — she shouldn’t even be mentioned here cause Sammie currently only does girl-girl, and let’s face it, solo / girl-girl on your dance card should mean you can’t work in this business anymore.

Bobbi Starr: Wow! What a packed race. Bobbi Starr is good. No, she’s great. I’ve dragged her to the gloryhole a few times, and she loves it. The only thing she loves more? Length n’ Girth. A total Size Queen. On a personal note, I think she plays the cello. Or the violin, or maybe it’s the viola. The oboe? Classical guitar? Certainly the Skin Flute, but like I said, only if it’s XXL or bigger…unless you’re paying her rate.

Finally, I’d like to mention that Sophia was totally overlooked here and should have replaced Mia Rose, or Mikayla, or Lindsay Meadows, or Gina Lynn, Faith Leone, or Katarina Kat. For over three years Sophia’s played the game, and she’s done a great job. I’ve seen her do more off-the-hook shit in dirty movies than anyone else I can think of…and yet, no one really pays much attention. Too bad, cause she’s one of the best.

Sophia