Henry from the UK writes:

Hi. I saw your website and I see it is heavily sexual oriented. When I look at porn it seems very crude. Hairy cocks poking vaginas and squirting taking place. Does’nt it corrupt the young men who look at it? It really stirs up a passion in you. Just asking. Is is good to look at porn all day? People seem to get addicted to it. Is it a good thing? Just curious. Henry.
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Hi Henry from the Wonderful United Kingdom!

Boy, this whole “porn addiction” thing really touches a nerve with me, cause it’s impossible. Well, not impossible, but pert near. It’s certainly a problem for some, but before I start that rant, let’s talk about what I like to call “The Big Four”. I’m referring to the legal vices in this country, and, generally, around the world…unless you’re living under a Fascist’s rule.

1) Tobacco: Tobacco’s a whole lot like heroin. People struggle for years and years to shake it; most never really do. Depending on who you talk to, cigarette smoking causes an estimated 438,000 deaths, or about 1 of every 5 deaths, each year. Read that again: 1 in 5 people who DIE every day can thank RJ Reynolds and Philip Morris, among others. This includes approximately 38,000 deaths to the poor saps who live with, or hang out with — the dopes who do smoke…AKA “secondhand smoke exposure”. Smoking killed a lot of people I know. Smoking killed my granny. Killed. Smoking is bad.

2) Booze: Booze is pretty damn addicting. I don’t think it’s quite like the Nicotine Rocket that is smoking, but we all know a drunk or two, and we see what kind of devastation boozing can bring about — both to the Booze Hound as well as anyone who’s around them. Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) was “deeply saddened” to recently report that alcohol-related traffic deaths are at an all time high since 1992. I won’t even get into spousal-abuse stats related to booze. Driving under the influence has killed a lot of people, including one of my very best friends while we were still in high school. Killed. Drinking is bad.

3) Gambling: Gaming’s all over the place. It’s a huge industry, and well all know it’s not just in Vegas and Atlantic City. Lots and lots of people lose lots and lots of money gambling each and every year. Some people lost everything they had, and I’m not just talking about their money…but their house, their family, and their job. What do you think they did after they lost it all? Walked back in the casino next day — or called their bookie — to win their money back. I like to call these people “Action Junkies”, cause, to me, it’s the thrill of the action (both with the gaming and the winning) that drives them.

4) Porn: Some call it a huge industry, and I’ve heard Porn makes more than National League Baseball, Pro Football, and Basketball combined. I sure do wish I saw some of that bread! I don’t buy that figure, but let’s face it, sex sells, and men like to beat their dinkies to both internet and DVD porn and the dirty movies they sell at the hotel you’re staying at. Couples like to fuck and watch porn! And get this: No cancer! No beatings! No smashing your car into an innocent victim! No losing your house or your bank account! Although a lot of girlfriends and wives feel left out after their dude’s blown his wad to porn — and not her…and that’s a problem, but overall I’m saying Porn is fun!

I decided to smoke once, in 8th grade, at an empty swimming pool a bunch of us were skateboarding in. The cig turned me green, and I threw up all over the place. It was the first and last time I’ve ever smoked a cig. I’ve never really liked gambling, and even when I’ve won, I’ve never felt that terrific thrill that Action Junkies claim to feel. I know, too, cause for a while I had a bookie and I bet sports a bunch. Is that’s what’s driving their addiction?

Or, are Action Junkies addicted to easy money?

Why do guys beat their meat to porn? Well, that’s simple: cause they’re not getting any…or they don’t want what they have. “Addiction” doesn’t even enter into the picture.

And why is it our politicians have no problem whatsoever entertaining the tobacco lobby, and the booze lobby, and the gaming lobby…and taking their money? But there’s no porn lobby? (Actually, there’s an easy answer to that question.)

Finally, Henry, looking at porn all day is not good. In fact, I can’t think of one thing that anyone would do “all day” that’s good for them — including work.

So get back to stirring up some passion, my friend. Take a look at Johnny Fender groping Rachel Milan’s ass right in the middle of a public alley while she was blowing him! If that doesn’t do it for ya, here’s some free handjob movies, some free blowjob movies, some free interracial sex movies. I personally made each and every one of these dirty movies, and I did it with you in mind.

Cause I care about my fans.

And what’s life without a vice or two?

Make porn your vice!

Whatever you do, just don’t look at it all day long.

The number one e-mail I get from visitors of this blog goes something like I’m 22, I love to fuck chicks, and I want to be in porn. Please Billy hook me up! I know I can do it better than anyone else!!

To which I want to reply — no, you can’t.

You can’t fuck on film. You might be able to hold a small, hand-held camcorder and bang your bitch in the privacy of your own bedroom, but no, you can’t fuck on film.

You can’t fuck a brand new piece of ass for more that 2 minutes without popping, either. You might be able to bang your bitch in your room all night long without shooting a load, but no, you can’t bang Bree Olson or Eve Lawrence or Tiffany Taylor for more than 2 minutes without popping.

Really, you can’t.

You can’t fuck on a brightly-lit set with a bunch of strangers watching you while a director barks orders at you. You might be able to bang your bitch in front of your buddies in the midst of an all-night booze session, but no, you won’t be able to take direction and open up for a camera so all the porn fans will see your ween going into her poon.

And imagine what’s going to happen when you walk on set and the whore you’re getting paid to fuck is a bitch, and she has absolutely no interest in you whatsoever. Imagine if you aren’t attracted to her, either. Then the director, who’s an asshole, gives you shit for showing up a little (or a lot) late on set.

If you’re a girl, I really don’t want to read your e-mails looking for work anymore, either. First off, you need to drag your ass to Los Angeles, where it’s all going down, and of course you can’t, cause you don’t have a job, which is why you’re looking for work in the first place, and that means you don’t have the money for a plane ticket to LA, or a hotel room once you get here, or even the $120 it takes to get your AIM test.

Do you really want your mom and dad to know you’re a Porn Whore? What about your boyfriend? Your neighbors? Cause no matter how sneaky you think you are, you aren’t.

If you’re still determined to be The Next Jenna, wait til you get booked with Dirty Harry!

Is it obvious I’m having a bad day? And I’m not even talent! Remember, I’m The Nice Porno Director. What if I was an asshole and ranted and raved a whole lot?

Things would be even more difficult. Which is why I blog.

Our Porn Whore today didn’t like big dick. “Why did you take the job?” I asked her. Why the fuck are you even in porn, I wanted to ask her.

This is a rhetorical question, of course. She took the job for the money…whether or not she had any plans of doing her job well.

Porn Whore was a sneaky bitch, too…and I hate sneaky bitches. I hate girls who are sneaky bitches, and I hate boys who are sneaky bitches. Today’s sneaky bitch figured out that if she shifts the angle of her pelvis — even the slightest of shifts — male talent can’t pound her effectively.

You might not know this working with your 5 incher, but add about 5 more, start long stroking your girl, and see what happens when she shifts ever so slightly.

Wood killer.

Wood Killah.

Ghost-Faced Wood-Yi Killah, Yo.

“Honey, if you don’t want them to pound you hard, instead of doing that funky-ass shit with your hips, how about tell them something like you’re used to small white dick and that they’ll have to take it easy with their big black ones? That will be their top-secret code word for taking it easy on your snatch.”

“I wasn’t doing anything funky!”

Uh huh, I told her, and kept the camera rolling.

And later she wants to know, “where’s the pop shot gonna be?”

“All over your face, hun.”

She looked up at the male talent and said, “Don’t get any in my —”

I stopped her before she could finish. “Nope. I mean they’ll try to miss your eyes, but we all know there’s no guarantees when it comes to blowin’ the load. Right?!”

I said right more like a declarative than an interrogative.

“I’m wearing my contacts!”

“Go take them out. We’ll wait.”

“But it hurts when I get cum in my eyes.”

“Maybe this biz isn’t for you. How long have you been doing it?”

“Seven years.”

I sighed, and she made no moves to go remove them, and that, of course, means she’s not wearing contacts. Sneaky bitch.

Which meant I had no problem giving my male talent The Secret Signal.

The Secret Signal means to blow directly into the face — all willy-nilly — and let the jizz land where ever it’s destined to land.

And once they found their wood, they did.

So please, everyone…stop e-mailing me asking for work. I have none for you. And before you get your panties all up in a bunch, ask yourself this: ever wonder why the same 7 dudes have been in porno since you starting watching it?

Ever wonder why the girl you blew your load to yesterday is no where to be found today?

Time for me to walk the dog…and take a few deep breaths along the way.

I’ve shot porn for almost six years now, and if it’s done anything to fuck me up, it’s made me more tolerant to fetishes I thought were crazy, insane, fucked-up, and just plain wrong.

Not that I agree with what they’re doing, nor want to try it, nor even completely understand it…but my job has made me understand people more — and not to judge them on what pushes their buttons.

Men blowing men?

No Biggie.

Fuck a tranny?

Whatever floats yer boat.

Eat black man’s jizz out of a white girl’s snatch?

Um…I dunno about that.

And I — for sure — dunno about “ball busting”: click on the box at your own risk and get ready to scream.

Just like I did.

‘Nuff said.

I shoot porn in the ghetto.

It’s a pretty gnarly ghetto. There’s a mish-mash of immigrants in my ghetto neighborhood, and it’s a mixture of Koreans, Hondurans, Guatemalans, Mexicans, and El Salvadorians. They’re all pretty much non-English speakers, which makes them first-generation immigrants, and, for the most part, they’re decent folk.

Although the Korean gangs love to shoot up the El Salvadorian gangs, and the El Salvadorians love to shoot Hondurans and Guatemalans, and the Mexicans love to shoot them all up.

People in my ghetto are terrified of my dog, Maggie — especially the Koreans. I get a sick pleasure out of watching people move from the sidewalk, or hold their hands up like they’re getting robbed, or even cry (literally) as Maggie, the ferocious Golden Retriever, struts her stuff.

That’s right — they cry. As in tears. And I’ll say something like “Chin Goo! Chin Goo!!” cause that’s what Mr. Kim taught me to say, and then they’ll kinda smile — or even laugh — even though they’re still terrified.

Mr. Kim runs a junk shop by my studio. He’s the only Korean I know who worships the Grateful Dead.

This Sunday morning as I embarked on my morning walk with Maggie, I saw a white dude laying on the curb, fetal position, with what I assumed to be a white ID bracelet from the hospital around his wrist. It made me kinda sad, even though I’ve built of quit a tolerance for homeless people, and I’ll scoff at them frequently and think things like that dude makes $200 a day standing at the exit of the 101 Freeway begging for quarters while I worked my ass off all day long so fuck him as I drive by.

Maggie likes to poop over at the school near my ghetto porno studio, and, being the PC correct doggie owner that I am, I pick it up with the plastic baggies they bag my grocerys with and I’ll toss it in the school’s dumpster.

Gimme some Hippy Points for that. Some Green Points. Gimme something, OK?

On my way back, there’s Kenny, still laying in the gutter, and it’s getting hot outside, and did I ever tell you guys there’s an El Salvadorian/Guatemalan/Honduran church under my little ghetto porno studio? Or that this all took place on Sunday morning, at around 10 in the morning, as all those nice Christians were walking right by Kenny into church?

And on one took a second glance at Kenny, or asked him what was up. Or down.

I knew his name was Kenny cause his wrist band told me so. It wasn’t a hospital wrist band, either…but one from the county jail. And I have a pretty good idea that he’s a junkie cause his hands were bloated. I asked Kenny if he was ok, and he didn’t acknowledge me, and then I yelled “DO YOU NEED HELP KENNY?” cause that’s the way I roll.

Kenny’s eyes opened slowly, and then he mumbled, “take me back to jail, man.”

Then his eyes closed.

I looked up at Preacher Man, who was pretending not to look at me — or Kenny — and right next to Preacher Man stood a girl emptying out a cooler. I know who the girl is, but I don’t know her name, cause they’re shooting a mainstream movie in the studio next to mine, and she’s a PA.

Ice cold water poured into the gutter, and I walked over to ask the PA for something to drink.

I watched Preacher Man as he watched me get the bottle of water, and, at that moment, I decided I hate Preacher Man.

I got Kenny a bottle of water from the cooler.

I called 911 and they came and rescued Kenny. Maybe they took him to the hospital, or maybe they took him back to jail.

I dunno.

Preacher Man started preaching about the evils of Satan.

And I prepped cameras to start shooting porn.