Super Fun E-Mails: “I am NOT your core costumer!!!”

Gianna Michaels

J. Ream-Her writes:

Hey Billy.

First, my vital stats: I am also in my 30s, I always feel like I’m slipping towards being overweight but avoid getting blubbery, I’m not in any more debt than anyone else (damn student loans) and I don’t live with my mother (I live with my wife, and on occasion the experience can be the same). I don’t like NASCAR but don’t look down on those that do. What I do have in common with JH is I like to write you while I’m drunk; sorry for that.

That said, I was kinda jealous of JH’s gift of free passes at first, but then I realized something. I really enjoy reading your blog; it’s a daily visit for me even when it isn’t for you. It’s entertaining and enlightening (you know what I mean); you write well and you and I share similar taste in a lot of stuff : travel, food, sense of humor, movies (I knew who Edith Massey was) and music. Plus it has tits.

However, I gotta admit: I don’t really like your porn. I don’t like the Gloryhole site since I really like the interaction between people and while I’m not into dudes, I’m surprised to say that I also don’t like them seeing knocked down to just an apendage through a hole (I think that’s mostly because there’s only so much a dick in a hole can do). I really like a lot of the “girl next door” types you have on Manojob and thedicksuckers (Anna Von Trap, damn) but bj-only sites and especially handjob sites have never done much for me (I should probably be more open-minded about this). I like a lot of inter-racial porn for two reasons: 1) black guys seem to fuck like I enjoy: rough but with respect, aggressive but never brutal, and 2) they like the same things I like in women, namely, some curves. That said, Barbie Cummings and Spring Thomas do nothing for me unfortunately…I’m sure they’re great people, but a little too bleached-out and skinny for me. I don’t like Blacks on Blondes because they delve into the whole racial thing a little too much (all that writing stuff we already went over) too much for me. “No Way Am I Gay?” Yeah, no.

This all isn’t not your fault of course; it’s just my taste. I just feel kinda bad since I like your blog so much.

Lo siento buddy,


SeƱor Ream-Her, no need for apologies. I like my blog, and the sites I own, and the sites I shoot for, and my life, and just cause you don’t see eye-to-eye on every aspect of such doesn’t necessitate the need for an apology.

Why didn’t you bring up Spunkmouth or Eat Some Ass? There’s some mighty fine jerk material there, and, like all the sites I’m associated with, it’s a true value.

This is a perfect segue into the Bargain that is Internet Porn…let The Digression begin:

Perverts of the World Rejoice! (And let’s face it, that’s most of us).

Remember in the old, old, days, when slick, glossy, hardcore magazines cost fifty or a hundred bucks? And you had to actually go to a movie theater and sit next to people even more perverted than yourself, and jack next to them as the movie played on the screen? Oh, and nope — no rewinding to see that pop shot again!

Of course you don’t recall that, cause even I am not that old. (However, I do remember being 11 or 12 and walking by the Kiva Theater in Old Town Scottsdale and seeing TELL THEM JOHNNY WADD IS HERE on their marquee.)


And I recall being 17 when my family shelled out 500 clams for our first VCR, and heading right to the local Mom-And-Pop video rental shop, where, in the back room — behind the blue curtain — lay Paradise.

$5 per title per day allowed me to beat off like a monkey in the zoo.

And now, internet porn!

Join any of our sites, and you’ll get heaps and mounds at The Jack Shack for about a dollar a day, and no sitting next to perverts in filthy, cum-stained theater seats, and no video clerk at Mom-And-Pop’s shop knowing all your secret perversions.

Trust me when I say this: Internet Porn will save the world, one load at a time.

There will come a day when all the sexually repressed folks of the world who hate everyone and everything will finally mind their own business, take a deep breath, and join a porn site! At that glorious moment months (and sometimes years!) of built-up tension will finally be released, and they’ll feel better than they ever have — so much so all the guilt and shameful feelings of sitting in front of their monitor with jizzy hands and keyboard will be lifted from their souls — and it will be on that day when The Hate will be conquered and the world will be a better place.

And I’m the one you will pat on the back and thank when that day occurs.

Why can’t the Republicans figure this out?

Your pal — Billy

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