How To Be A Porn Star, Super Fun E-mails

Super Fun e-Mails: Simon’s a Virgin.

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Simon writes: Age: 24 DOB: Feb. 5, 1981 Location: Los Angeles, CA — I don’t necessarily want to audition, however I would like to be on a set to see a taping. I am hoping to be around those beautiful girls to at minimum get a blow job. You see I have never had a blow job, nor had sex nor really kissed a girl before. I thought maybe if I was there one of them could just do a favor and give me a quick blow job. Please respond, and don’t just think this is an attempt by a virgin to “get some.” I’m not fat and not really ugly. I would appreciate a response. Let me know of a location and I will be there to watch and meet the people.

Thank you immensely,
Simon

Dear Simon:

Sorry bro, I don’t think I can help you out. I think peoples’ perception of what goes on at a porn shoot are whacky. Porno sets aren’t orgies. I mean while we’re working on set, we don’t walk around naked – fuckin’ and suckin’ – we wait to do that after we’re all done.

I mean I’d love to, honestly, you poor guy. You’ve never been with a girl — ever?

Wait. I’ve got an idea…maybe we can go partners and start a site. You say you’re in L.A., and that would make things pretty damn easy. Do you have wheels? Can you get around? I’m thinking something like Let’sGetHimLaid.com, and we do exactly that. I think there was this cat named Tubby Bob, and he was fat, and they got him laid a bunch. We could do the same for you! I’ll hire super hot porn girls to suck and fuck you (you don’t have to kiss them if you don’t want) and I’ll even pay you! All you gotta have are two forms of ID and a test that says you’re clean. Then, all you gotta do it let me point lights at you, and we’ll just take it from there!

But hold up…the more I think about this, the more I’m thinking no. See, there’s about 300,000 adult sites out there right now, and this business is getting harder and harder. In the old days – like 1998 – you could start just about any kind of site and make pretty good money. Some even made millions.

Then, everybody started to think they could do it. Even the Russians! Just like the supply and demand stuff you learned in Economics class, the more shit there is, the less it’s worth. And the harder it is to sell. There’s so much free shit out there now I don’t even know how I manage to sell ANYthing.

God, all this talk is starting to depress me.

How about I just take you to a whorehouse? Trip’s on me, pal.

Your pal – Billy.

random rants

Sophia’s Engaged!

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she's engaged

I just got an e-mail from Sophia. She’s engaged, and she wanted to show me her ring. I’m so happy for her, and for Kevin, and the more I think about how happy I am for them, the more my mind wanders.

Which makes it wander towards commitments. Not Sophia’s commitment to her fiance, just commitments in general.

Cause I’ve never been good with them. Ever.

I’m not sure why, either. But I like to blame testosterone.

A long time ago, I was a jock, and a pretty good one. I worked really hard to make an Olympic team, and I took testosterone to achieve that goal.

It’s nothing I’m proud of, but hey, this is my blog, and it’s going to be honest, so there ya go. I took ‘roids for a while, and they turned me into one horny motherfucker. I walked around with a boner, even when I wasn’t thinking of sex. I’d wake up with a boner at like 4 in the morning, even when I wasn’t dreaming about sex. In fact, I woke up cause of my boner. It was so hard it almost hurt. And the whole time I was getting a million random boners a day, my body was loaded up on testosterone.

Anyway, the physiology of a boner is to have sex, and testosterone makes a boner, and God put dudes on this planet to spread their seed. Dudes with lots of testosterone in their body – about 100 times as much as a girl – even when they aren’t on ‘roids.

That’s why you’re here, reading about porn. It’s also why you like to watch porn. And cheat. Cause let’s face it – there’s nothing better than sex when it’s new. And a man’s sexuality is as dumb as it gets.

Sophia’s engagement. Commitments. Testosterone. Random boners.

What’s wrong with me?

How To Be A Porn Star, Super Fun E-mails

Super fun e-mails.

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To whom it may concern:

My Name is Ralph (single male) and dude I always wanted to try getting into the porn business but never got the balls to come forward until now. So how does this work? What can i do to make a flick and fuck the shit out of one of does nice and gorgeous ladies on spunkmouth? I was born 08/19/1982 I’m 23 and live in Miami (Hispanic). Let know the way or secret towards starring in a flick with the ladies from Spunkmouth.

Ralph

Dear Ralph –

I wish I could help ya out, but you’re up against some tremendous odds.

First off, I don’t care what you look like (for the most part) just please have an 8 inch dick, or bigger. And please, don’t lie to me. Oh, and if you haven’t already (which I’m sure you have) make sure you measure your dick from the base to the head…no starting the tape around your asshole. If your dick is indeed 8 inches or more, pat yourself on the back…one in about 100 guys are packing as much heat.

But that’s not all, and before I get into it, I want you to ponder this: ever wonder why there’s been like 10 dudes in porn (Peter North, John Holmes, Marc Wallice, Ron Jermey, Randy West…etc etc) and like a million chicks?

(I know, I know…there’s been more dudes, but I’m talking about the ones who’ve made more than 3 movies.)

One of the very hardest things to do (and I’m taking into consideration things like climbing a mountain, running a marathon, flying a plane around the world by yourself) is fucking a super hot chick in front of a camera with really hot, bright lights glaring in your face while a bunch of strangers watch you.

Oh wait…before you get to fuck her, you get to pose with her for a bunch of pictures. Most of these pictures call for doing things you don’t do at home, with your gal, while the lights are out and you’re making love.

These stills can take an hour or so, depending on lots of different variables I won’t get into now. Oh, and by the way, don’t lose your hard-on, and you can’t shoot your load…just stay really, really still while a bunch of strangers take pictures of you.

Then you get to fuck – but not how you like to fuck. You have to fuck however the director tells you. And whatever girl he sends you, whether you like her or not. In whatever position he tells you, whether you like it or not. And if you don’t like it, tough shit. And better stay focused. Better not lose your woodie. And god forbid you cum…until told.

Once you spend about an hour fucking in ways that really aren’t too comfortable, you get to cum. In a certain place. Doing it a certain way.

Can’t do it? Oh well….next dude please! Or, hire dudes I know can do exactly what I just described.

If you’re still interested in fucking really hot chicks for Spunkmouth.com and you meet the above requirements, please let me know if you can get to LA anytime soon.

Your pal – Billy

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, The First Time I Met Her

Sophia!

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Sophia

There was this cat named Antonio who lived in the ultimate bachelor-pad party house on the very top of a small mountain that overlooked the city. At night, the view was great. I met Antonio through some mutual friends, and when I walked into his place I had a pretty good idea he did more than sell toner cartridges for copy machines in order to pay his mortgage.

But he’s a really cool guy and loved to have people over to party…especially the strippers who worked at the joint on the bottom of the mountain. Sophia, for a time, was one of them. But she didn’t act like a stripper; in fact, when Antonio introduced us, I could sense she didn’t carry that invisible force field most strippers have turned on 24/7. In other words, she was really nice. Turns out her days as a stripper were over by then.

She was quickly becoming friends with Spring Thomas, too. Both Sohpia and Spring were hanging at Antonio’s, doing god-knows-what. And I think Sophia and Antonio were a “thing”, although I was never quite sure what that “thing” was.

I really wanted to shoot Sophia for Spunkmouth, but she wasn’t ready. The night we met we ended up driving all over town – Antonio and Me and Sophia and C – hitting strip joints, and drinking. The more I got to know her, the more down-to-Earth she seemed. We became fast friends. And I was right – she is genuine.

About a month later, I finally shot her first scene. Actually, I shot her first two scenes that day, and both of them turned out great. Beyond great. And we decided to use her nickname – “SoHo” – as her porn name, but she changed it to Sophia when she got to L.A.

You know you’re working with a pro when she takes on 4 dudes on her first porn set. Sophia is that good. A little later we teamed her up with Slim. Another amateur porn classic. (By the way…Slim, if you’re reading this, holler to your boy Billy! I wanna hire you some more!!)

That was almost three years ago. Since then, we’ve remained close. In fact, she’s not only one of my best friends in the biz, but she’s one of my best friends, period.

I have lots of stories to tell about Sophy…but first, I better ask permission. (Oh! And the pic I shot here is one we sent to her web designer for her site…and Sophy came up with a killer name/concept for her site – wait ’til you see it!)

random rants

How’s Your Work Ethic?

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My friend Nicky M The Pro Photographer just left a message on my voicemail. I think it sums up the work ethic of porn girls brilliantly:

“Hey man! Why is it the only time a porn star feels well is when she’s looking for work?! I mean, when you’re about to work with them, they just started their period, they’ve got a head ache, a stomach ache, a foot ache; they’re hungover, they have the flu, food poisoning, they just got in a car wreck, or some close relative of theirs has just passed away…but when they’re looking for work, and they call to see if you have any, they’re feeling great…they’ve never been better…things are really going well.”

Ah Nicky, this is one of many Porn Star Mysteries.

The First Time I Met Her

Spring Thomas, part 1

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Spring Thomas

Three years ago this month, I met Spring Thomas at the downtown Starbucks for an interview. I was interviewing girls for my new website – Spunkmouth.com – and when I saw her pull up my jaw just about dropped. I already knew who she was from some of her previous work.

“You’re Serina from Amature Allure.”

“No I’m not,” she lied.

These were the days before I knew about things like porno agents. We ran an ad in the local weekly, saying something like Porn Stars Make More in One Day that Most People Make in a Week! and for the most part, it worked. I’d get about 10 calls a day, and I’d set up meetings (usually at Starbucks) one day a week. I could usually set up 10 meetings, so I’d be there from noon till about 5.

Out of 10 meetings, 5 girls would flake.

Out of those 5, you wouldn’t want to see 3 of them nude, let alone fuck anyone.

That leaves 2. One girl would invariably change her mind, so we’d get about a girl a week. Sometimes more, most times less.

Spring Thomas looked like a porn star before she was a porn star. She just exuded sexuality, and watching guys watch her walk through that Starbucks made me laugh. She was 18, still in braces, and I felt something sitting there next to her I never felt through any of these other interviews – comfort. I was totally comfortable with her, and as we talked that day, I was getting the vibe she felt the same towards me.

So after that awkward opening, we ending up chatting for maybe an hour. She had no problem talking about the work she did on Sweet Apples, and I did something that day I never did on any of these interviews: shared stuff from my private life. She did the same, and I found out she went to high school not far from where I went, and, in fact, she knew some of the teachers I had long ago.

We cut a deal right there and then, and she ended up on Spunkmouth not once, but twice. These would go down as her first two sex scenes ever caught on tape.

And obviously, it didn’t end here.

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, random rants

I’m Kinda Pissed Right Now.

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kaya

I’ve been swamped with work lately, and Kimmy’s been blowing up my cell looking for work.

I’m sure you don’t know who Kimmy is, so I’ll introduce you now. Meet Kimmy when I shot her for Spunkmouth; here she is for the JOMG scene I did with her.

So I’m thinking personal assistant. Yea yea yea…laugh all you want, but why not? I’ve known her a couple years now, and she’s kinda cool, she’s intelligent, and she’s looking for work. She really didn’t have any career in porn, so to speak of; she did a few scenes for me – a couple on Spunkmouth, one on JOMG, and one I directed for Blacks On Blondes. She did something once for a site called Johnson’s Journal, but that site doesn’t exist anymore. I met her through Dr. Z, who hooked up with her once a long time ago. The thing that turned me on about Kimmy was how much she loved getting dicked. She doesn’t do much in the way of dirty talking or acting, but once she’s getting her pussy licked or fucked, she loses her mind.

And no, she’s not interested in being in front of a camera anymore, and I respect that.

How cool would it be to have a personal assistant? Well, then I really think about it. People that have personal assistants are just lazy slobs that don’t want to do the menial, daily tasks we take for granted. People who have personal assistants are stuck-up assholes who have more money than they need. People who have personal assistants are way more important than you or me.

But now I wanna be one of those fat, stuck-up assholes.

Problem is I’m can’t afford it. Well, maybe not. Kimmy says she only wants 10 hours a week. She wants $11 an hour. She knows it’s kinda brainless work, but she really wants to work.

“Really?”

“Really!”

I tell her to call me at 9am sharp the next day. We’ll meet at my office, and I’ll go over all the stuff I have to do. She’s really “ready to go!”

And at 9 am my phone rings. Kimmy can’t make it. Excuse this, excuse that.

Now I don’t know what I wanna do. And when you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything at all…

My First Post

My First Post

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So it’s a little past 1 am, I’m watching VH-1 Classic, and a band I can’t name (but I can remember the song) is playing. I just finished updating Spring Thomas’s site. Watching the video, I almost forgot what the 80’s was all about, but this pretty much sums up: a bad hair bad, lots of bad hair in the audience, too; and now it’s Depeche Mode. Everything Counts in Large Amounts. Get The Balance Right. Galaxian. Ginger Lynn. Missile Command. Peter North. VCR’s cost over $350, and that was The New Technology.

I think the first porno I ever rented was around this time, and I can’t recall what it was: The Grafenberg Spot…A Star is Porn…who knows. Actually, now that I think about it, I was at Gary’s house, and I was with Celeste, and he was with a girl named Chris, and we watched something dirty, and Celeste kinda rubbed my dick over my pants in the dark room while Gary and Chris made out.

We watched the movie; they made out.

In 1983 I was 19 years old and all sorts of things were new and cool: MTV, my first apartment, New Wave, REM, and no pagers, cell phones, or internet. My girlfriend Michelle. And college. Watching Thriller at the Dash Inn the very first time it ever aired. Timothy O’Tooles and Donny O’Briens. And my earliest experiences with punk rock: Black Flag, Meat Puppets, X, and the local band scene like Mighty Sphinctor and JFA. My girlfriend Michelle had her car battery stolen from a Bad Brains show at the Calderon Ballroom — an early venue for punk rock shows in Phoenix, AZ.

New Wave Wednesdays at The Devil house. Bow Wow Wow – “I Want Candy”.

I stood about 4 feet away from Annabella as she belted that out on stage at Graham Central Station. Graham Central was a cowboy bar in Phoenix, and every once in a while they’d book a punk gig. The English Beat opened that show, and to this day, it might be the best show I’ve ever seen: The English Beat and Bow Wow Wow. Annabella was something like 15, and I couldn’t believe she was standing in front of me in her little Pocahontas get-up. The guitarist had a purple robe on, and it was velvet, and it was trimmed in fake cheetah fur.

This was 1983.

So now I’m sitting here — almost 23 years later — thinking about what my porno blog is gonna be all about: porn girls, the drama that comes with them…and do I include personal stuff? Where do I draw the line between two? Why are you even reading this?

Right now porn is my life, for the most part.

I think I’ll at least list pics and movie samples from the stuff I’ve made, and comment on them, too. Tell it like it is, cause almost no one ever does that in this biz. Just tell it like it is, whether or not I piss anyone off.

If anyone back then woulda told me I was going to make dirty movies and work with porn stars as a living, I woulda laughed in their face.