What makes a man fart in the face of a cop? And what makes that cop arrest the farter on battery charges?

What really makes a US Senator “suspend” his bid for the White House? And what really makes that Senator choose an imbecile as his running mate?

I’m fairly confident I know what makes a bunch of frat boys vomit milk off a bridge. But did they know it would cause a car wreck? Ah, my alma mater — Go Sun Devils!

What makes a man buy a beer for his 4 year old son, and then encourage his son to share it with his little brother…who’s 2? And what was the state of Wisconsin thinking for not calling in CPS?

What makes a man die of alcohol consumption? Maybe a bad marriage, or being lonely…or maybe the fact that Chris Jericho is now WWE Champ. What makes him keep his 80-year-old mother in the freezer? (The cops found her after they found him). He needed her Social Security payments to continue, so why fill out a silly death certificate?

What makes a girl paint her face like a whore and commit to eating man ass on camera? And what kind of a person would actually film such atrocities?

What makes a man take off his pants before heading out to the Dunkin’ Doughnuts and expose his wiener to the poor doughnut lady? And what’s his preferred tasty treat? Apple Fritters? Chocolate Olde Fashions? Or just the doughnut holes?

What was God thinking when he made the spotted hyena, which was described by Bloomberg News: “(B)oth the male and female have penises. The female, it turns out, has a scrotal sack, too. For reproductive purposes, the male transfers his sperm through the female’s penis, which doubles as her clitoris.”

Doesn’t that sound hot?

No Way Am I Gay!

Speaking of God, how about the New Orleans pastor who stole his congregation’s hurricane relief funds? Pretty typical Christian behavior, huh?

While I’m on a roll with whacky Christians, some poor foolio felt he was the Anti-Christ and walked into a church in Rome and stabbed the poor priest repeatedly.

The funny thing is, if he really wanted to meet The Anti-Christ, all he’d have to do is spend a day in my porno studio.

Any day would do.

My morning routine is a simple one.

After I wake up and walk Maggie, I pour myself a cup of iced coffee and a bowl of cereal (high-fiber Cherrio knock-offs courtesy of Trader Joe’s, sprinkled with fresh strawberries and blueberries and some yummy dextrose and maltodextrin and sucralose (AKA Splenda)) and then I plop myself down in front of my iMac and read my e-mails, check my sales for Manojob and The Dick Suckers and No Way Am I Gay, and then I see what creep has mySpaced me, and then I read CNN, The New York Times, The LA Times, The BBC, The Christian Science Monitor (the only fairly accurate news reporting agency today) and then, for a good laugh, I skim through The Arizona Republic — my hometown newspaper — just cause it’s so just fucking awful.

(Sometimes I skip all this and meet Adrianna Nicole at LA’s finest coffeehouse).

So the other day The NY Times has a story about this cat named Ed Petit who argues Poe should be exhumed in Baltimore and his remains moved to Philadelphia, where he wrote all The Big Ones: “‘The Fall of the House of Usher,’ ‘The Murders in the Rue Morgue,’ ‘The Masque of the Red Death,’ ‘The Tell-Tale Heart,’ ‘The Black Cat,’ and ‘The Gold-Bug’”.

Yep…all penned in Philly, where the cheese steaks are extra-extra yum, and you can get a full case of Little Nips right at your table, all covered in ice.

Since man has been beating his meat since his was Cave Man, this whole thing made me wonder what porn would make Poe’s Freak Flag Fly.

I’m thinking Meatholes. And Piss Mops. Any porn where the girl ends up crying.

Poe would go nuts over Max Hardcore!

And he’d be very bummed, too, since most of the particularly nasty Meat Hole scenes were pulled from the site…as well as the entire Piss Mops site.

Poe might have been good male talent, too; his parents were actors (ie attention whores), mom died when he was young, and dad took off.

Addictions to attention and parental abandonment: if it weren’t for all this fun, 80% of your porn actors / actresses wouldn’t be.

Or, be not.

Scholars are certain Poe was bi-polar, too; chalk up another great indicator to Porno Stardom!

Wonder if he was packing?

And take a look at the poor guy. If I’ve ever seen a Wall Flower at the middle-school dance, it’s Poe; hence, Meatholes and Piss Mops and Max Hardcore’s stuff woulda kept Poe holed up in his house for a long, long time.

Who would you rather get paid to bang — EA Poe or Dirty Harry? (Take a long look at Dirty Harry suckling Sindy Lange’s teet before you answer).

Where am I taking this?

I have no idea.

Oh! I guess someone in Philly offered up exhuming John Wilkes Booth instead of Poe. I’m sure it’s a joke, but I like the idea.

And if you weren’t paying attention in History class, JWB whacked Abe Lincoln — Sic semper tyrannis!

I have no idea what kind of porn Booth would enjoy, but since he was nutso enough to whack a President, I’m thinking Poe and Booth were kindred spirits…Booth just had bigger balls.

Cause, let’s face it — most writers are fakers…nothing more.