My pal Noah is really into Jap Porn. But before I go any further, let me make one thing clear: I love the Japs, and I am not a racist. And I love them so much I often refer to them as “Japs” and sometimes “Nips”, but never as “Slants” nor “Yellows”.

I never really figured out why White Boys go berserk over Asians, but some of my friends definitely suffer from Yellow Fever. One of which — the dude I have refered to as “The Actor” — loved them so much that, after a while, I had to quit hanging out with him. For example, we’d be in the middle of a conversation and a cute one would walk by us and, in mid-sentence, he’d leap up and run to her and use all his might to make that Little Nip his.

I think it’s all about size and submission…in that order.

Back to Noah: he sends me whacky Jap Porn titles all the time, and I laugh my ass off at them. Of course the big part of the hi-jinks is simply translating the titles, and my favorites have been “Big Breasts Convenience Store”, “Street Corner Amateurs Are Embarrassed Trying To Identifying Boyfriend’s Penis”, “Like A Cold Wind Rubbing Continuously Rubbing The Penis Head After Ejaculation, Penis Persecution Hand Job Part 5”, and “Mega Chin, Satisfaction From Seeing Her Slapped By A Penis”, and “Just As I Thought! You Can Borrow Cute Girls At The Rental Shop, Part 2”.

If that isn’t kooky enough for ya, according to Time / CNN, there’s a 74 year old male pornstar — Shigeo Tokuda — who starting banging chicks in front of a camera when he was 60, and it appears he’s at the apex of his porndom.

Do you think all that fucking keeps Shigeo chipper and spry?

Oh, and guess what? Shigeo Tokuda’s wife and kids has no idea what he does. 14 years. 300+ movies. And he’s living The Lie…like so many of us in this crazy business do.

Porn’s huge in Japan. Is it that surprising that the popularity of smut in a country that, according to the article from Time / CNN is, “in surveys conducted by organizations ranging from the World Health Organization (WHO) to the condom-maker Durex….repeatedly found to be one of the most sexless societies in the industrialized world. A WHO report released in March found that 1 in 4 married couples in Japan had not made love in the previous year, while 38% of couples in their 50s no longer have sex at all. Those figures were attributed to the stresses of Japanese working life. Yet at the same time, the country has seen a surge in demand for pornography that has turned adult videos into a billion-dollar industry, with “elder porn” one of its fastest-growing genres.”

I wish I had a clever comment about that — or something witty — but I don’t.

I just find it all very funny.

Now if I could just find the rental shop that lends out cute girls.

It’s bad enough that Arclight Cinema in Hollywood charges $14 to see a movie ($11 on the weekdays!), but to pay even one fucking dollar to sit through “The Happening” is way too much.

On the way out, a woman tried to justify this piece of shit by saying, “everyone compares everything M. Night makes to ‘The Sixth Sense!'”

“It’s not even about that,” I said. “This movie was simply awful. What did you like about it?”

“The relationship between Mark Wahlberg and his wife.”

“Did you hear the people boo when the movie ended?” I asked.

She nodded.

“When was the last time you were in a movie and that happened?”

She couldn’t remember it ever happening; neither do I.

In case you don’t know, The Plants are pissed, cause we don’t pay attention to the environment, and we’ve scared all the bees away, so the plants dump “toxins” into the air, which make people suddenly commit suicide in all sorts of crazy ways.

Somehow The Plants can communicate with The Wind, so whenever The Wind blows, you know it’s time for M. Knight to show off all the gratuitous violence in his “first R rated movie”.

Did I mention that only the plants in New England — where Mark Wahlberg’s character lived — were pissed enough to do this, and apparently they liked Mark, and his wife, and a little girl they rescue enough to leave all three of them alone…even when people are offing themselves left and right.

And after 24 hours (or so) The Plants proved their point enough to stop making people commit hara-kiri…until a few months later, when The Plants in Paris, France, get fed up and start doing the same thing.

I wish The Plants would make M. Knight jump off a building, but not before that fucker gives me my money back…cause the theater refused.

From a recent GFY Post:

Do the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce: after 5 years of marriage, Paul shelled out about $49 million dollars. Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (married men will be the first to admit that doesn’t happen), it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay — not counting attorney’s fees and court costs.

Is it just me, or is Kristen the better deal?

———————————————–

To Which I Add:

My stockbroker pal always called whores a “value”, and, on some level, he’s right…right?

There’s also no price tag for true love…even when it goes awry…right…right!?

And besides, Paul will probably get it all back once they release Beatles music on iTunes and Rhapsody…right?

Right.

Helnwein is the master of surprised recognition.

— William S. Burroughs

Intellectuals and Tattooed Tough Guys?

Are they The Village People of the 21st Century?

Do people even care about them anymore?

This record better be good…at least good enough to make the cover appear to be cool.

I think I just shot the best BJ I’ve ever shot in my life, and trust me when I say I’ve shot a lot of BJ scenes.

Presley Maddox is resurfacing into Porno Land after a year (give or take) off, and she’s looking better than ever. Sure, she’s the main reason the scene went so well, but I teamed her up with a Sybian, and that, my friends, really made things interesting.

It’s not like I invented Sybian (duh), and I’m sure I’m not the first dude to plop a girl down on a Sybian while she sucked a dick, but goddamnit Presley Maddox and Sybian teamed up to make a Mighty Combo…so much so I decided to blog it.

Gia Paloma even decided to blog it. Gia’s seen a lot of crazy shit in this business, and she’s partaken in even more crazy shit…so to get a reaction out of her on Presley’s BJ scene for TheDickSuckers is saying a lot.

Shit, I like this scene so much it got me back to blogging, even if it’s only for today.

No. I’ll blog more this week. Why wouldn’t I?

Anyways, Presley also showed up at Manojob, and here’s some free Presley Maddox handjob movies, just so you can say you got something for free just by visiting my blog.

Looking at those handjob movies, you may be wondering whose wonderful record collection is in the background of clip #1. Look at all of them! Stored meticulously in their protective sleeves!

They’re somewhat in alphabetical order, too, but that’s going to change soon when I get a little bit of time on my hands.

Oh, wait! I forgot to tell you Sybian made Miss Maddox orgasm so many times it appeared, by the end of our little movie, that she had just finished running a marathon.

And the pop shot? My Lord!

She exclaimed, “I just got Stevie Wondered!” before walking off set, which was more like Presley hobbled off set…like she got off a horse after a day-long ride at a dude ranch.

Do I need to tell you The Money Shot blinded her?

Or that she’s just discovered a new idiom for taking a facial!

And you thought Porn Whores were dumb.

So I get an e-mail from a reader saying he’s got the Marilyn movie, and in the header he says something like “Let’s Discu$$”. In the body of the e-mail, there was a pic, too, along with a request to call him so I could make a deal.

I’ve never really been a fan of celebrity sex tapes, mainly cause the few I’ve seen are total shit and completely unwatchable. They’re also fraudulent…in more ways that one.

I’ve talked to people in my biz who had something to do with the Paris movie, and they told me Paris was in it from the get-go. And ever wonder how the Tommy/Pamela movie turn into almost public domain? I watched parts of that piece of shit, as well as parts of the Paris flick, which, I might add, is better than Pamela’s dirty movie.

I’m not sure what anyone wants to discuss with me when they have something as big as Marilyn Monroe’s sex tape, but I was kinda curious.

Once on the phone, he immediately admitted he didn’t have the tape at all. “But that doesn’t matter! Why not just shoot a BJ with whoever you can book that looks like Marilyn, and then in post-production we can turn it black and white and add scratchy stuff so it looks old!”

I said, “I don’t think her estate is gonna be psyched about this.”

He said, “spell her name differently!”

I said, “so you want me to fraud people out of their money?”

He said, “dude, it’s porn!”

I said, “what happens when the people realize it’s not Marilyn, and they call VISA to get their account credited?”

He said, “how about not charge for it, and then use the movie to upsell them to something else? Like one of your sites? Besides, it’s porn!”

I said, “who would buy anything from us when they know we promised them something we couldn’t deliver?”

“Dude, it’s porn!”

I passed, but the Marilyn thing had me intrigued, cause…let’s face it — it’s Marilyn. So I Googled a bit, and apparently some dude shelled out 1.5 million for 15 minutes of blowing an Average Joe in, like, 1952. The dude’s name is Keya Morgan, and he calls himself a “memorabilia collector”, and he must have quite a collection of shit in order to cough up that much bread for something he’s gonna just put in a safe and never show anyone, ever.

He’s doing it to “protect her reputation.”

That’s kinda funny. No, that’s really funny.

Funnier yet is the story that goes with the tape, including J. Edgar Hoover’s involvement, and his hopes that one of the Kennedy brothers was the Mope in the flick. Imagine that poor closet homo’s disappointment when he figured out he didn’t have a thing.

I poked around a bit more, and the Smoking Gun says the whole thing’s a big hoax.

But dude…what did you expect?

It’s porn.

Fry’s Electronics rules — especially if you’re a dude and have compulsive spending habits and desire gadgets and other assorted bullshit you don’t really need, but think you do. Fry’s stores are enormous, too; in fact they’re so big I can’t think of a single retail store as big as a Fry’s. I think they’re bigger than Best Buy, and Michael’s, and Border’s, and all that other corporate swill Americans have come to know so well.

I like Fry’s way better than the rest, and I hate corporate swill. But Fry’s isn’t as slick as you’d know over-sized retail outlets to be. I can’t explain it any other way. You’d know what I’m talking about if you’ve been. Maybe another way to describe it is all the weird shit in there to buy (most of it near the check-out lanes) where Super Savvy Marketing Gurus have turned the a check-out lane into a compulsive buyer’s nightmare — or wet dream…depending on any number of factors.

If you don’t have a Fry’s Electronics in your city, I’d petition your local congressman immediately, or do whatever it is you need to do to score one.

Love Fry’s or Hate Fry’s — there is no in between.

I bring this all up cause I went today, and just like Costco, whenever you walk into Fry’s, you can’t walk out without spending stoopid amounts of money. Way more than you think you’re spending. Today was no exception: I recently talked myself into buying a Portable DVD player, and where else to buy one but Fry’s? If you’re getting a portable DVD player, better buck up and buy some DVD’s, too.

Fry’s has the greatest selection of DVD’s I’ve ever seen. It’s super cool, too, cause they carry adult titles! Best Buy and Circuit City and all the rest of them are big hairy pussies for not doing so, but Fry’s? What a choice selection o’ smut!

I haven’t paid for porn in God knows how long, but today I did. And I did cause of a lurid cover and a great title: Kung Fu Nurses A Go-Go. (Other titles I’ve scored in the past include just about all my Criterion Collection, a super duper weird Robert Rauschenberg arty-farty fag thing that’s completely and wholly unwatchable, and various collections of my latest new obsession: Dick Cavett.

Kung Fu Nurses A Go-Go in the same corporate-run store (and almost the same aisle!) as Dick Cavett: Rock Icons? See what I mean about Fry’s?

After watching the former, I’ve decided it’s time for me to step up to the plate and make a movie. With a script. And a plot. Oh, what pressure to place upon one’s self!

First and foremost will be the very most important factor to consider: To Stroke or Not?

See, if this is gonna be a stroke film, it can never be art, and I’m not even so sure I wanna be an artist or not. I think I just wanna make a movie. And I know how to make stroke scenes, cause that’s all I’ve been doing for the last 5 years of my life. So what not take five of them in a row and sprinkle in some hip dialog and a few sneaky, cheap, dirty special effects? Like some scratchy stuff over the movie, and make portions Black & White — like some dream sequences!

I wanna be Eon McKai!

I’m so excited right now I can barely contain myself! I want to call Gia Paloma and ask her all about the movies she made with Rob Black! I want to start scouting locations and casting talent! And writing some cheezy porno dialog! Something’s telling me combine a catchy title with some barely-legal whores who can make their pussies squirt, an anal creampie, some bukkake, and toss in an enema or two!!

No, I wanna be John Waters meets Eon McKai with a dash of…a dash of…a dash of Russ Meyer for good measure!

All I gotta find now is my Edith Massey.

We started The Dick Suckers with $1000 worth of content licensed from a scoundrel whose name I don’t want to mention here, but it’s safe to say not only did we buy 100 scenes that were oversold to a zillion other sites, well…we didn’t even get 100 scenes.

More like 60.

And 10 of those were unwatchable, simple because the moron who was running the camera allowed a fire alarm to go off in the background as he rolled tape. Sure, you could have turned the volume down, but isn’t it fun to listen to the whore slurp on dick while you’re pleasing yourself?

Pay for 100 scenes, get 50. And sure, we knew it wasn’t exclusive content, but you need to start somewhere, and unless you have money to hire talent, and rent a safe place to shoot it, well…then you have to license your content.

Future makers of smut, take note!

Oh, the dilemmas when starting your own dirty website!

We went with a simple name — The Dick Suckers — cause it was available, and we decided to keep it simple: hot girls sucking dick.

But life’s often a complex playground, and life as a pornographer is often filled with ups and downs and sidewayzers.

Sidewayzers?

Sidewayzers.

Yep. Just like your life…sometimes up, and sometimes down, and sometimes just plain sideways.

Some would say naming the site The Dick Suckers was our first mistake, but I’ll stand by it. People like to know what it is they’re buying, and make no mistake about it — when you become a member of The Dick Suckers, that’s exactly what you get.

And to date we’re closing in on 100 of them.

Dicksuckers, that is.

We’ve adapted the so-simple-it’s-almost-shameful approach to directing The Dick Suckers just like we direct the girls at its sister site, Manjob.com: keep the dudes’ mouths shut, and let the girl talk like a filthy slut right into the camera.

Two dilemmas left to go: get rid of the rest of the not-so-perfect content we licensed with brand new, top-notch content shot by yours truly.

This means coughing up a bunch of money.

The other dilemma: to swallow, or to splatter?

From now on, in addition to keeping the dicks silent, we’re thinking…do you have the girl swallow her prize, or does she get to wear it all over her pretty face?

I’m a splatter man. Nothing better to me than watching a hot girl take a load directly to the kisser.

Ask Doron Pepperscone, my faithful sidekick, what he likes to see in his dick sucking movies, and he’ll tell ya the same thing, over and over: she needs to swallow!

Swallow?

Splatter?

Splatter!

Swallow!

I was listening to what is, perhaps, one of the finest records to come out of the 60’s (Van Morrison’s Astral Weeks, duh!) when suddenly, it came to me.

It came to me just like it came to me almost two years ago when I shot my first scene for Manojob.com, and I thought, how in the world do I set up a handjob scene? I know…I’ll keep my mouth shut and let the girl talk right into the camera.

So, while Van was crooning “Ballerina” with that wonderful guitar playing in the background and those plucky bass lines all over the place, I realized that every single dick sucker from here on out shall swallow…and then get splattered.

One chick, two dicks.

Swallow, then splattered.

Talking directly into the camera.

All while the dudes keep their pie holes shut.

I hereby declare that I am a pornographic genius.

Which, of course, is something to be terribly ashamed of.