Every morning I check my e-mails, and it’s pretty much the same old shit. Kinda like your e-mails: I get the SPAM I opt in for, the SPAM I never asked for, e-mails about work, e-mails from my family, e-mails reminding me to pay my bills, and daily e-mails from my bank letting me know how much money I don’t have.

I look at my bank e-mails closely to make sure there’s no funny business going on, and for the last 8 years I’ve committed sex acts to film for the world to enjoy, everything’s always been kosher. This has been a worry of mine, too, cause I’ve heard horror stories from other producers when it comes to check fraud, and I’ve always counted myself as lucky…until just the other day.

Two checks cleared my production account; one was $3675, and the other was $3550…neither of which I wrote. That didn’t stop the bank from making good on them, so all of a sudden I’m down $7225. The production account is nearly zeroed out, and the worst part of it all is this: of the $7225 stolen, almost none of it is really mine. In fact, the day before I just sent out a dozen or so checks in the mail — all to the talent I shot over the last 5 days.

The first thing I did was scream…almost as loud as I did a few months ago when I sharted all over myself.

Then I logged into my bank’s web site, doubled checked to see if what I saw was really true, and when my heart dropped all the way out of my chest like yours does when something really shitty happens, I screamed again.

Then, I looked at the pictures of the fraudulent checks. Both made out to the same person, who, I’m sure, didn’t actually cash them. I Googled her name, and guess what? She’s a model in Los Angeles, and the first link Google lists is her Model Mayhem account.

She’s not even a Porno Princess — not even close: Maxim, reality TV shows…Big Time shit. And her e-mail is listed in the Model Mayhem profile.

So I e-mailed her: My name is Billy Watson. I live in Los Angeles. I am a photographer.

Two days ago someone using your name cashed two checks totaling a little over $7000 from my checking account!

Now, either you’re the dumbest thief in the world (highly unlikely) or someone has either stolen your ID’s and did this, or stolen your whole identity to pull this off, and you may know your identity’s been stolen, or you may not.

Fun, huh?

Imagine my shock. When I saw the two checks were made out to you, the first thing I did was call my banker and let him know what was going on…and then I Googled your name. First link is your Model Mayhem page…with your e-mail address on it.

Just so you know, I’m not accusing you of this at all. I’m just trying to figure out what happened, and to let you know you might have had your ID’s stolen, or perhaps your identity…which we both know is NOT a fun thing to endure. And, like I said, you might not even know yet.

If you wanna get a hold of me, I can be reached at [no, you don’t get to see my phone number]. Or you can just e-mail me back.

Sorry I had to drop this bomb on you…but my feeling is it might end up helping you, especially if you’re unaware of this, which, I believe, is the case.

Less than 120 seconds later my phone rang. It was The Model. She was super friendly, and thankful I e-mailed her, cause — sure enough — she just had her driver’s license and her bank card stolen at a Hollywood Club.

The Model sounded hot as shit, too. Even hotter than the pics in her Model Mayhem profile. After about 10 minutes, she asked me who I shot for, and I straight up told her I’m a pornographer. She laughed about it, and we agreed to keep each others’ phone numbers and e-mails…just in case.

I went to the bank the Thursday to fill out all sorts of papers and have the bank interview me. I still have to go to the police station with copies of the checks, my credit report, and the bank statement showing the checks clearing. Then file a police report.

If I’m lucky, I’ll see the money back in 10 business days, although the lady at the bank said it could take up to 90 days.

I gave her a long stare and asked, “How am I gonna pay out the people I owe money? And make my payroll? So I can make my car payment?”

She shrugged her shoulders and said, “you could take out a personal loan.”

I didn’t say a word. I wanted to yell a whole bunch, but that’s the Old Billy. The New & Improved Billy Watson doesn’t fly off the handle so quickly.

I’m just hoping I’ll need to call to The Model again…just to make sure everything’s OK with her.

Clusterfuck #1) The Case of the Itty Bitty Wee Wee: Check out Dianna Prince checking out the mighty 4 inch ween she’s about to blow for the world famous BJ site The Dick Suckers. That wee wee was one of a few clusterfucks I’ve had lately, and I’ll explain: I shot a Porno Princess a few weeks before I shot Dianna. The Porno Princess asked me if I was looking for any new Stunt Cocks. I’m always looking for a good Stunt Cock, cause in Porn Valley, good Stunt Cocks are hard to find. “My boyfriend wants to get in front of the camera,” she said.

“Does he have a big dick?” I asked.

“It’s average, but he blows a big load!”

I’m all about the average-sized Stunt Cock blowing a bigger-than-average load; after all, in this biz, it’s all about The Money Shot…right? Besides, since potential Stunt Cock’s ween is average, which means a lot of my members will be able to relate, which means they’ll enjoy the content more.

So I gave the dude a shot.

When my members asked for Dianna Prince, I teamed her up with The New Stunt Cock, and when he pulled his wee wee out, I was pissed.

I was pissed at Porno Princess for lying about the size of her boyfriend’s package, but I was more pissed at myself for not asking to see it first.

I thought, just for a moment, to cancel the scene…but I decided to give Dude a shot. Who knows? Maybe I’d stumble upon a fetish: are there people who like to watch Small-Cock Porn?

The short answer is no, there’s not a lot of folks out there looking to watch Pee Pee Porn, and his load wasn’t all that great either…and it took Dude about 30 minutes of furious beating before he unloaded.

Clusterfuck #2) This is why I had an abortion!!: I book at Coog/MILF Porno Princess to appear in an upcoming Watching My Mom Go Black scene. You’re familiar with that site, right? You know…the one where a trouble-making Son gets in big trouble with a Black Thug, and Mom comes to Son’s rescue. Uh huh. That one. It’s all about “tough love” as Mom bangs Black Thug while forcing Son to witness the whole spectacle: “I’m doing this honey for your own good! You won’t mess up after this, will you?”

“No Mom! Please stop!”

You know the rest.

Anyway, we start shooting stills and my male talent — Rico Strong — pulls his dick out. Now, in Porno Land, standard protocol is to give a helping hand to a Stunt Cock to get the ball rolling…so to speak. Some call it “fluffing” and some don’t. I call it “polite courtesy” but never required.

The Mom I hired is not thrilled at all to help Mr. Strong out, and that’s cool. Mr. Strong knows these types, as do I; what I wasn’t counting on was Mom’s statement just 2 minutes into Mr. Strong working himself up: She looked up at Rico, made a face akin to someone after they lick a dog turd, and said, “This is why I had an abortion.”

I looked at Rico.

Rico looked at me.

The “Son” we hired looked at both of us.

Mom looked at Rico and said it again. Then, she jumped off the bed and starting saying — very loudly — “he can’t get his dick hard! He can’t get his dick hard!” Then she got on the phone and said it again…to who?

I have no idea.

Do I need to tell you I killed the scene?

How about this one: I kill the scene and Mom looks at me and wants to know how much her kill fee is gonna be.

I ask Mom very nicely to pack her bags and haul ass. And on the way out she says to me, “I need to have a Japanese baby.”

If you think I make this shit up, you need to have a Japanese baby.

Clusterfuck #3) Can anyone please find me a sistah?: I’m all out of black chicks to shoot for Gloryhole-Initiations and Cumbang. I mean it…literally. In three or four years and hundreds of scenes, I’m all out of new sistahs to shoot. And with the downturn in Porn Valley work, there’s not a lot of new black girls popping up at any of the agent’s sites.

What to do but re-shoot some of the hotter ones who are still around?

I booked one I haven’t shot in quite sometime. The problem is, she won’t do it for the rate we’ve been paying all the girls — black or white — cause, (and I’ll use her words), “I’m one of the hottest black girls around.”

So the agent dreams up a scheme: “Pay her your normal rate, Billy, and add my agent fee on top of that, and we’ll tell her that’s the pay. But, send the check to me, cause she owes me money anyway.”

I’m not a fan of such Tom Foolery, but I reluctantly agree. I need content, after all.

Shoot day comes…and she no-shows.

I don’t care what you’re doing to make your money, getting work in this economy is tough. But you already know this. So I lose money the day I’m supposed to shoot One of The Hottest Black Girls, and my quest still remains: are there any black girls who wanna take a trip to The Hole?