Monthly Archives: January 2007

stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

Evilyn Lin and her Manojob.

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Evilyn Lin

This cat named Joe called and asked me to direct a scene for him. It was a boy/girl scene for one of his DVD lines, and he had a hockey game that night, so I told him sure, I’ll shoot the scene.

“It’s Evilyn Lin,” he said. “She’s super fucking hot.”

I knew who she was, and instead of having Joe pay me to shoot his scene, I told him I wanted to shoot her for Manojob, and he could just pay her, and I’d be happy to shoot both scenes. He agreed. He should have; it was a good deal for him.

When I got to set, there was Evilyn, and she was super sweet right from the get go, and next to her was this nerdy kind of guy that looked like a college kid majoring in something like engineering. He certainly didn’t look like a suticase pimp. Those types are usually middle-aged cops who retired early and have a thing for watching their girlfriends getting fucked on film by the kind of guys they used to beat up with a billy club.

Maybe Evilyn’s dude looked like an engineering major cause he is a college kid majoring in engineering.

And Evilyn’s a college girl, paying for her over-priced tuition by shooting on the weekends.

God Bless Porn.

I went over both scenes with Evilyn while she was in make-up, and I waited for the male talent to show up for the handjob shoot. Long story short, he flaked. So I spent the next half hour trying to find someone to get their dick jerked by Evilyn. I mean, really…you think something like that would be a cinch, right?

Wrong.

A big portion of the talent pool in LA — the male talent, I mean — are completely jaded and can’t get off from a simple handjob. Plus, why take a handjob scene when there’s fuck scenes out there? In addition to being able to fuck the girl, you get paid a whole lot more.

In other words, why get jerked and make $100 when you can do The Big Naughty and bank $400 or $500? And hit that pussy?

I was just about to give up, which was gonna kill me, cause…well. Just look at her! An Asian barely-legal in pigtails? In a pink bedroom full of stuffed animals? Licking on one of those over-sized lollipops you get at a corporate theme park?! I know my members would love that sort of shit. Hell, come to think about it…who doesn’t?

That’s when it dawned on me…ask the boyfriend to be male talent! And I did, and he said sure, and, in fact, he was excited cause he’d always wanted to be male talent, and no one was willing to give him a shot.

“Well, here’s your shot,” I said.

He took his shot, and he missed. Really, he stepped up to the plate and his gun wasn’t even really loaded.

Don’t blame him. It’s not like he’s impotent. Well, at least I’m pretty sure he’s not. You guys don’t believe me when I tell you this gig ain’t easy. Especially for guys. Shit, girls can fake it…and they do, in almost every single scene. As a dude, it’s very difficult to do anything sexy in front of strangers, especially when the spot light’s on you. And there’s no way to fake a boner — or a money shot. In addition, I had just sprung it on the poor guy; he had no time to mentally prep himself for the scene.

Evilyn looked at me, and I looked at Evilyn, and she said, “well, what are we gonna do?”

I looked at her boyfriend, and her boyfriend looked at me, and The Boyfriend said, “I know how to take pictures. I shoot stills for her site. We’re building it right now. I mean, if you can show me how to run your video camera, I can shoot you two.”

I looked at Evilyn, and Evilyn was looking for her panites, and I know she didn’t give a shit who she jerked…she just wanted the paycheck. And then I looked at her dude, and he looked at me, and I thought to myself this is got to be the weirdest shit I’ve ever done in my life and then I looked at Evilyn again, and she was pulling her panties back on, and that’s when I thought fuck it. I’m down.

I’m not male talent. Really, I’m not. I mean shit — look at my steamin’ 6 incher and you tell me…is that a porno dick?

¡No way José!

But it goes well with my super-tight six-pack of abs, and that beautiful set o’ pectorals I carry around my upper-body.

So here’s Evilyn Lin, standing right in front of me, and she’s a barely-legal Asian hottie (honestly, I’m not into Asians…I just felt the need to toss that adjective in), and I kinda laughed to myself thinking about it: her dude’s gonna film his chick jerking my dick. A total stranger.

Well, not a total stranger. I mean we’d known each other for 15 minutes. That counts as something, right? Plus, this is a job, and we’re gonna get the job done, damnit!

And get it done we did. The job, that is. Cause it’s not sex, no matter what you think. Besides, a handjob isn’t sex, right? And even if we fucked on camera, it’s work. That’s what’s so hard for people to realize. This is the sex business; it’s a business, and there’s sex involved, and since it’s “work”, it really isn’t sex, right?

Right.

And it’s certainly never love.

Evilyn Lin

Nothing To Do With Porn, random raves

My Memory Woes.

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Weezer

I put on Velvet Revolver’s first and only record for two reasons:

1) as nothing more than a test of my patience…

and

2) to hear how loud I could crank my new speakers!

I’m stoked.

I scored a pair of vintage Klipsch Heresy’s off eBay. My old speakers were about the size of refrigerators. My little house is a total bachelor pad, and the first clue anyone got when they walked through my front door were the speakers that used to take up my entire front room. I have no idea who made them, but my pal J gave them to me before he hauled ass to Hawaii. They were so gargantuan he didn’t want to deal with shipping them.

I loved those speakers, but I’ve wanted Heresys since I can remember. Since I started listening to records. It was about the same time I had black light posters lining my bedroom walls, and whenever my girlfriend would sneak in late at night, I’d have all the lights off — except my black light, of course — and something like Pink Floyd’s Animals playing softly. That, or, say, an early Genesis record…the ones when Peter Gabriel was still in the band.

Once inside my room, we’d make out, and if the Gods were smiling upon me, I’d get a handjob.

It’s so fucking nice to spend time at home. My new porno studio had consumed so much of my time since October, I almost forgot how nice my little Arizona bungalow is…and how many records I have. Cause I’m looking at them now, scattered all over the place.

I’ve always been a collector. In 5th grade it was beer cans. Then records. And books. And it’s pretty much been books and records ever since the beer can craze ended, in, say, 1979. Oh! Don’t forget vintage smut! I collect that, too.

And since I’ve got some time on my hands, and no dirty movies to make, why not clean up my place a bit? Get the records off the floor, mainly, and since I lost my gigantic speakers, everything off the tops of them have to be put away, too: CD’s, pictures of my family, my anti-static record zapping gun; a handful of reader’s club book cards from a local used bookstore, assorted pens and pencils, loose change, and last month’s ARTFourm.

It’s been less than 10 minutes, and my patience is tried. Isn’t it funny that The Velvet Revolver isn’t even 1/10,000th as good as The Velvet Underground, even though both lead singers were junkies?

I don’t remember buying Coltrane’s A Love Supreme, but there it is! And what a reprieve from Scott Weiland. And sure enough, here’s two copies of R.E.M.’s first EP, to go along with the one that’s already been filed away. But what’s a Sonny Rollin’s record doing in the REM section? And how in the world did The Fabulous Poodles get smooshed in between The Feelies?

I got my record shelving from IKEA. (It’s my corporate guilty pleasure, surpassed only by Starbucks). Thinking I’d outsmart the folks who designed my shelves, I attached 6 wooden coasters (also an IKEA purchase) under the shelving, so my cleaning lady could move it around to vacuum behind it. The problem, of course, is the shelves weren’t designed to have coasters under them, and with all my records shelved, the bottom started to bow…and it bowed so much my little brother had to pull all the records off and remove the coasters. Creepy Q, our editor, helped out. With all my records all over the floor, they decided to put them in ABC order! Isn’t that nice? Except there’s a Solly Rollins record in with REM, and all my spoken word records got alphabetized instead of grouped into one section, as did my soundtracks and compilations. How in the world do you alphabetize a reggae compilation, anyway?

I shouldn’t bitch though; and, in fact, I’m grateful.

How did I end up here? Oh yea. There’s more records on my floor, but as I’m putting them away, I realize I’m totally losing any sort of long term memory I’ve had, cause no way in hell 10 years ago I’d buy three copies of anything REM made. They’re OK and all, but 3 copies? Of Chronic Town? My god! And here’s an unopened Postal Service, on white vinyl no less, with an extra 12″ and a booklet! When did I buy this?

OK, I won’t bore you anymore.

I should probably be talking about making dirty movies, right? About blowjobs and cumshots and ass eatin’ and girls eating pussy and sodomy and cuckolds and gloryholes and blow bangs and gangbangs and double vag and teen girls worshiping big black monster dicks.

There…feel better now?

How To Be A Porn Star

Super Fun E-mails, or, I Wanna Be The Next Jenna Jameson!

5 Comments

The Next Jenna

K writes:

My names K I’m 20 years old, my birthday is August, 1986 and i’m from [the East Coast]. Im Italian Brown hair with blonde highlights , brown eyes, in extremly good shape, i’m a 34B, Im a size 0. Im interested in becomming a porn star because its something ive always wanted to do and of course to make some extra money! I’m very outgoing, friendly, sexual and energenic. I really look forward to hearing back from you, Happy New Year!

Heya K!

You know…it’s funny. While tons of dudes e-mail me about this all the time, not a whole lot of chicks do. The few that have actually stepped up to the plate and sent pictures never really followed through with what I told them, and what I’m about to tell you.

Get on a plane and get your sweet ass to Los Angeles ASAP. I will have my PA, Cherry Poppens, pick you up at the airport, and I’ll get you right into my studio, where, over the span of, say, 48 hours, you can make $3,000 or $4,000 dollars…depending on how much sucking and fucking you can do over those two days. If you don’t have the plane ticket, I just might front it.

I can book you right away for a handjob movie, and a blowjob movie, then we’ll do another blowjob movie, then you can eat some ass, then do another suck and fuck movie; and then, if you’ll do black guys, you can do another blowjob movie, and then you can do an interracial sex movie, and then, we’ll work some more on top secret sites no one knows about yet!!

Sounds great, right? I mean it takes some people a month to make that kinda scratch…and you can do it in two days! And during those two days it won’t even be an 8 hour work day! If you can call sucking and fucking “work”. I mean, it’s not like you’re going to be moving large, heavy rocks from one side of the road to the other. Can you believe it?!

Then, I’ll send you to a big talent agency, where you’ll make $20,000 to $30,000.

A month.

It’s legal, too! And you’ll be working for names like Hustler, and Red Light, and Vivid, and all sorts of companies you’ve never ever heard of.

Not a lot of people in our society make that kind of income, and you’re literally a 5 hour plane ride from doing so.

What I tell you is true…as is the following:

You’ll need an AIM test, which is less than 30 days old, and says you don’t have chlamydia, gonorrhea, or HIV. And even though you might have a clean bill of health, and the talent will have their AIM test, I can’t guarantee you won’t contract any of those diseases. HIV is really tough to get — I really wouldn’t worry about that — unless you’re doing anal creampies, or double anal.

The other two are really easy to catch. Herpes should be a concern, too.

Chlamydia and gonorrhea and herpes, oh my! Chlamydia and gonorrhea and herpes, oh my! Chlamydia and gonorrhea and herpes, oh my! Sing that three more times next time you walk into a singles’ club.

You’ll have to suck and fuck guys you don’t find attractive. You’ll also have to fuck and suck guys you don’t like. In fact, you’ll end up sucking and fucking dudes (and chicks) that will downright gross you out.

You’ll suck and fuck so much your pussy will get sore. Really sore. And if you do anal, expect a sore butthole.

You’ll fuck dudes with dicks that are so big, they might hurt you (for real).

You’ll never be able to erase your porno past, although it will die and shrivel up fairly quickly. (But know that at any time someone can sprinkle some water over it and bring it back to life).

People will find out, even if you don’t tell anyone. Which you’ll probably do. You’ll tell your best friend in the whole wide world…you’ll make her swear to you she won’t tell anyone, and then, after you hang up the phone with her, she’ll call her best friend…and within a matter of hours your whole neighborhood will know.

Average porn girl career is probably 2 months. Maybe less. Some do it for years, though. And, like every job you’ll ever do in your life, you’ll have good days, bad days, and great days, and horrible days.

Let’s face it, K. We’re sexual creatures trapped in a sexually repressed society. People will think you’re crazy for being a porn star, and then they’ll get mad at you, and ostracize you, and then they’ll run home and find every movie you’ve ever done, and they’ll pay money for those movies, and then they’ll beat their meat like a monkey in the zoo. In fact, they’ll cum harder than they ever have in their silly life — to your movies.

They’ll shoot the kind of loads that fly over their head and stick to the ceiling. Or mess up the keyboard on their computers. They’ll sit on the internet transfixed to the screen and masturbate furiously and moan and groan like they’re making sweet music to their girlfriend…or their wife.

But he won’t moan and groan loud enough to wake her up.

If you ask me, you’ll have a great time and make a lot of money that will take you places or allow you to do things you’d never have been able to do — college, travel the world, start your own business (using your own cash!)…shit, you might even be the next Jenna Jameson!

If you’re still interested, lemme know. You got my phone number.

Your pal — Billy

The Next Jenna

Nothing To Do With Porn, random raves, Will I Get In Trouble For This?

The Weez V. Chris DeBurgh — The Results!

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Weezer

LOTS AND LOTS OF VOTES FOR MY BATTLE OF THE BANDS CONTEST FROM TUESDAY:

Fnord writes:

This is apples and oranges. You’ve got the neo-millenial slacker ramblings of Weezer up against the proto-New Romantic RenFaire geekery of Chris De Burgh?

Ultimately, I have to go with Weezer because I think they did a much better job of capturing, and ultimately driving the cultural zeitgeist at that time. Chris De Burgh, through both this song and Lady In Red (and really, is there anything else he ever was known for?) is much more able to draw people into his Weltanschung. But ultimately, isn’t music (or any form of artistic expression) supposed to be inclusive instead of exclusive? Weezer says “We are you. You are us. This is the way we are right now.” Whereas De Burgh says, “This is my story, my experiences and my fantasy.” Thus De Burgh makes a subject-object delineation that I think is a conscious method to keep something (his audience, something in his personal life, etc) at a distance.

A lot of people would rebut that however and say something like this: “There are lots of great songs with fantastic settings and tales that capture the the imagination, there’s nothing inherently distancing about it.” However, I think if you look at the best of them — take Gordon Lightfoot’s Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, for instance — they still all boil down to a thesis of “This could be me.” With Edmund Fitzgerald, you have a bad day at work gone from bad to worse. Getting busted for shooting pr0n, having a database crash so bad that revenue flow stops, catching shrapnel from an IED in Iraq, or having your ship break up on Lake Superior. A really bad day at work. Not a great cognitive leap for those who have to make a living. Tough to make that “It could be me” leap when you’re thinking “Well, here I am in Hades front of Charon. I’d much rather be playing Styx in a bar band instead of crossing it with Big Creepy here.”

Interestingly enough, I think the same distinction can be made between your work and that of Eon McKai. With your work, especially where the girls are not overly made up or sporting obvious silicone, the production lends itself to a very palpable sense of “That could be me.” With some notable exceptions, the vast majority of women you hire appear (even given your caveat of “all porn chix are broken and crazy”) like they’d be women you’d meet at an indie rock show at First Ave. or a geek bar. McKai’s work however, like that of De Burgh, is very fantastical and clearly not something that is ever going to happen to anybody in the realm of quasi-normal life. There again the subject-object separation is clear and ultimately lessens (in my humble opinion) the cultural value of the work.

D’s reply made me laugh:

I would have offered my thoughts on the Chris DeBurgh vs Weezer question earlier but I just found out about it. I would have loved to get access to the ass eating site as it is the perfect metaphor for life today.

“How’s things?”

“Great! Just as soon as I eat a little ass.”

“Honey, don’t forget to pick up the dry cleaning.”

“I’ll get it while I’m out eating some ass.”

“The party of the first part, here in after referred to as the ass eater…”

“Your attitude has come to the attention of human resources, we’d like to discuss your ass eating technique.”

“Be all the ass eater you can be in the Army.”

“The party of the second part, here in there after referred to as yet another ass eater…”

“Grant me the serenity to eat the ass I have to, not to eat the ass I don’t and the wisdom to know the difference.”

At any rate Weezer looks like they’re doing impersonations of unfortunates with Asperger’s Syndrome and Chris De Burgh looks like a less masculine version of Bonnie Tyler, who we last heard from “sitting on a powder keg and giving off sparks”. I thought Weezer had a better song if only because it was consistant with their ironic posing. Plus no way would Charon let you get in the friggin boat with out paying the fare, no bargaining, no free loading, no nothing, that’s made abundantly clear in the classical literature and heavy metal music.

I think any ambiguity would be cleared up if you took the sound track from one and played it over the other video, just to see if anyone noticed.

Tony says:

I’m casting my vote for Weezer and “El Scorcho”. I never heard this song before you posted it on your blog, but now I can’t get it out of my head. The Chris de Burgh song, “Don’t Pay the Ferryman,” takes me back to my high school days. I found it annoying and corny back then and it hasn’t improved with time.

Missy Asslove writes:

They both kinda suck but weezer can suck and u still know they’re good. Like Picasso:)

Si says, then asks:

I’m going have to go for Weezer, that is an awesome song and the lyrics are great!

ps Would there ever be any chance of you filming Kacey? I know you did a blog on her a while ago but how often do situations like that change? To me she is one of the hottest girls around along with Riley Mason and Erin Moore!

Devil At Heart writes:

Chris DeBurgh.

Reason, not that you asked for one. Just thought I’d share. I like things that are just a bit dark. The whole lighting and scene he had going for the music video just made it more entertaining. Plus, he reminded me of some of that power ballad 80’s rock stuff. Kind’ve stuff you see some guy fuckin jammin out to in his late 80’s BMW.

DN The Hater says:

à propos your little contest : stick to the porn gig….I, of course, hated it.

V says:

The Weez gets my vote. Chris DeBurg song is okay, but the video looks and feels like it was shot in the 80s, it other words, it’s kind of dated. The Weez gets my vote even though I have never heard of them before. The Weez, simply because they look like a modern band appeal to me more.

Joe writes:

I gotta go with Weezer. Johnny Thunders beats ’em both by miles, though.

Porter writes:

Weezer wins in my book. I like their music better – and it’s got a little less of an 80s feel for the video; having lived through that era of MTV – I’m not entirely willing to go back to it.

Ralph writes:

I vote for Weezer, not that the 80’s didn’t rock, but sometimes some emo ramblings are just what’s needed.

Michael in Burbank writes:

Hmm, tough choice. Weezer is good stuff, full of self-depreciating irony and all that. On the other hand, you have to appreciate the full-on commitment to style (with no irony aftertaste) of Chris DeBurgh. This decision is also made easier because I remember seeing that video when it came out because I am old (41.) DeBurgh wins!

And if by some chance I win this, I’ll take the subscription to Mano Job.

Billy Watson writes:

There were more votes (mostly for Weezer) which I didn’t list here, and while there’s really no “right” answer, I’d have to go with Weezer, too. Of course your opinion on music isn’t my criteria for giving away a free 30 days to one of my dirty websites. I mean that would be too obvious, right? I was looking for something witty and fun in your reason(s) as to why The Weez or DeBurgh should win.

Initially I was going with Fnord, cause that answer / analysis had to take a while to bang out…right bro? I liked Missy Asslove’s Picasso analogy. DN The Hater didn’t disappoint, either…as usual.

I’ve decided to give away two memberships: Michael in Burbank gets the Manojob one, and D gets one to Eat Some Ass, cause they both know which one of my sites they like the best. So guys, hit me up, and I’ll issue you a PW. Just don’t share it, OK? I’m serious! We have state-of-the-art software installed on all our sites, and once you share your password, a special frequency is secretly emitted from your computer, and your testicles will turn into eencie-beancie raisins.

Thanks everyone! This was so much fun, I think I’m going to have more contests, in which porn will be given away…cause what’s better than some free porn?

Nothing To Do With Porn, random raves, Will I Get In Trouble For This?

A Battle of The Bands: The Weez V. Chris DeBurgh — You Decide!

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Please watch both through, from beginning to end, and then e-mail me your vote. One random person shall win a month free membership to the dirty site of their choice: Eat Some Ass, Spunkmouth, Manojob, Chelci Fox, or The Dick Suckers. Or yes, even No Way Am I Gay.

(All votes must be in within 48 hours from this post. Must be 21 or older to enter. We do not represent nor make any warranty in respect of the accuracy, reliability or continuous supply of any of the information on this website. The services and information contained on this website are only for general information and use and are not intended to address Your particular requirements. Any reliance You place upon any material on this website will be at your sole risk. We reserve the right in Our sole discretion, but without any obligation, to make amendments or improvements to, or withdraw or correct any error or omission in any portion of the material without notice. In particular, Our services and information do not constitute any form of advice or recommendation by Us and are not intended to be relied upon by You in making any specific medical or other decision. Appropriate independent medical advice should be obtained before making any such decision. Our services and the materials on this website are provided by Us on an “as is” basis, and We expressly disclaim any and all warranties, express or implied, to the extent permitted by applicable law. To the fullest extent permitted by applicable laws, We hereby exclude liability for any claims, loss, demands or damages of any kind whatsoever with respect to Our services, information and materials given by Us including, without limitation, direct, indirect, incidental or consequential loss or damages, The foregoing will apply whether such claims, loss or damages arise in tort, contract, negligence, under statute or other.)

random raves, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

Introducing Keesha Knight

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Keesha Knight

Nick Steel called me yesterday.

He’s an amateur porno dude I hire when I’m away from Los Angeles. He’s actually very good male talent. The girls like him cause he has a six-pack and he ain’t a bad lookin’ dude; I like him cause he keeps wood throughout the scene, he’s got a pretty big wiener, and it shoots a lot of goo everywhere, and, most important of all, he’s not a knucklehead — at least not on my sets.

Samantha Sin licked his butt for Eat Some Ass; Serena Taylor blew him for The Dick Suckers; he brought along some goons and they did a number on Taylor Ash for Spunkmouth; he’s hand more than his share of handjobs at Manojob; shit, he even stepped up to the plate and did a solo scene for No Way Am I Gay. Between not being a knucklehead and helping me out with No Way Am I Gay, Nick’s turned into my Go-To Guy when I need strong male talent, and I’m not in Porno Land.

So when he called me the other day kinda desperate for cash, it took me by surprise. It wasn’t the desperate plea for work that threw me off, it was the fact he needed to pay his lawyer for some Holiday Trouble he fell into at the end of December.

Turns out Nick was partying a little too much, doing things that make your heart go pitter-patter, and he had been up for a few days, and he was driving in some neighborhood, when suddenly The Hell’s Angeles opened fire on him.

“Let’s see if I got this straight, bro. Out of nowhere, the Hell’s Angeles starting shooting at you?”

Nick said, “Well, I thought so at the time. So I drove real crazy for a while, and then I needed to ditch my car, and I ran to a guy’s house, and woke his whole family up real late at night, and when he opened the door I tried to tell him what was going on, but I thought the Angels were closing in, so I ran past him, into his house, and hid under a bed. Until the cops pulled me out a little bit later.”

Nick doesn’t act like a knucklehead on my sets; however, I can no longer speak for him anywhere else. Nick needed money, too, to pay his lawyer. I told him I had some work. He told me he knew a girl who wanted to be in pornos, and “do you pay a referral fee?”

“Sure I pay referral fees,” I said. “Is she cute?” I asked.

“Kinda, yea. She has a little bit of a middle, but she’s not fat.”

But she’s not fat.

I’ve heard those words before: agents tell me this from time to time…and always it’s the bottom-of-the-barrel agents. The ones who don’t have websites and don’t have pictures, but want me to hire their talent anyway.

I don’t need to say anything more.

Still, I told Nick to bring her by. And he did. And when I saw her, I wanted to jump for joy, but since they were both standing next to me, I waited until after they left, 2 hours later..then, I jumped for Motherfucking Joy.

Funny what makes me jump for joy these days: “Intimate Secretary”, my dog Maggie, a letter in my inbox from LC, and an uber-hottie never-before-shot barely-legal handjob honey.

Before her scene, she wanted to know what she was getting herself into, and, unlike some producers I know, I tell them the whole enchilada. (You can always count on a pornographer for a clichéd food analogy). “Look, there’s a lot of money to be made in this business, but you’re going to piss off and disappoint at least a few people in your life. It’s on the internet, and yes, people will see it. Lots. Maybe people you know. Maybe not. Maybe your parents. Maybe not. The only for-sure way anyone will find out is if you tell them. Here’s how it works: you tell your best girlfriend, the person you trust more than anyone in your life, and she’ll eventually tell her other best girlfriend about what you did, and that other girlfriend will tell her boyfriend, and then, literally overnight, everyone you ever knew will know.”

Then I told her about model releases (even though I’ve never once seen a model read a release before they sign it) and then I told her about what kind of scene she was going to do (handjob scene…no better way to start a newbie off) and then I told her how I shoot my scenes (I won’t bore you with those details here) and then I asked her is she had any questions.

“Any questions at all. Don’t be embarrassed to ask. I’ll answer anything at all, and I’ll answer honestly.”

“Do I get a porno name?”

“Of course you do! Any ideas for one?”

She looked at me and said no. I said, “Let’s do this the old-fashioned way then. Did you have a pet growing up?”

“Yes”, she said. Then I asked her what street she lived on as a kid.

When I asked Keesha Knight if she liked her new name, she looked at me and nodded her head yes. Then, she looked at Nick and smiled. I looked at her and smiled. She looked at me and smiled. I looked at Nick and smiled. Nick looked at me and smiled.

Which is to say we were all very happy.

Wait till you see her scene on Manojob! Usually the girls do all the talking, but Keesha was too nervous to really say much of anything. So we improvised. Nick did great. Keesha did great. I did great.

Which is to say job well done by everyone.

I cut her a check, and she said something like “this is more than I make in a week!”

“Do you want to come back tomorrow and make more?”

“Can I work with Nick again?”

Of course you can, my sweet.

Keesha Knight

Super Fun E-mails

Super Fun E-Mails.

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cuckold madness

BLY writes:

I have been interested in doing porn for a really long time. I understand u arent looking for male actors at the moment but for future refrence i am 28 yrs old, male , white, live in South Carolina. I have about an 8 inch penis and i have 3 piercings in the head of my penis. I can honestly say i have never seen a porn star with pierced genitelia. I would very much like to hear a response. Thank you for your time, i have enclosed a picture of my penis.

BLY

Heya BLY –

I went ahead and blogged this without your permission, but hey…I’ve done worse things in my life. So here’s my response, and it’s very much what I tell all the dudes who ask me how they’re gonna get their dick in the door and make dirty movies: get your ass to Los Angeles, be comfortable fucking in front of strangers in really uncomfortable places with hot lights all over you and a director screaming at you to do impossible things with your 8 inch pee pee while trying your hardest not to bust too fast, or not at all, all over a girl you may like or may hate — or all over a girl that may like, or hate, you.

And there’s a reason why you haven’t seen a straight male pornstar with a dick full of earrings: lose them. At least when you show up on the first day of your new job.

Do a search on my blog and find the phone number for the boys over at American Bukkakke…lately those dudes are shooting right down the hall from me, and it’s a terrific place to jump start your career as a porn star…and you’ll make 75 bucks to boot! Imagine that! Getting paid 75 clams to bust your balls all over a Cute Lil’ Hussy…you’ll think you died, and went to straight to Heaven.

If you don’t fail, knock on my door and introduce yourself after you get paid — just please be as normal as you possibly can, OK?

Your pal – Billy

random raves

My Favorite Things of 2006

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Bree Olson

Everyone likes to look back on things, especially now, when there’s a new year in front of us. So here’s my take on 2006, as far as what I really liked about it, and I’m going to keep it somewhat focused to this blog, and to porn — but don’t be surprised if anything that has to do with music or books pops up. This is a totally random list, by the way, so much so I’ll decline to number it.

Ruth Blackwell: Once upon a time there was a girl named Erin Moore. She was a porno girl. Which is to say she made the porno rounds in Porn Valley. The only reason I won’t call her a “Porn Star” is simply that word / phrase is as overused as, say, “genius” or “I love you.” Anyway, there aren’t many porn stars, just like there aren’t many geniuses; porn stars transcend porn and make their way into popular culture, but I digress. So, Erin turned into Ruth, and soon Ruth will have her own website, and it’s the craziest, most twisted interracial porn ever caught on tape. That’s my take on it anyway, and sure, it’s biased, cause I made those movies.

Califone: “quicksand / cradlesnakes“. Nope, it wasn’t released in 2006…2003, to be exact, but I just found out about it this year, and I think it’s one of my very favorite things to listen to while I write.

ManoJob: “Mano” means “hand”, damn it. It’s the best hand job site on the internet, and I’m not just saying that cause it’s mine. Here’s some free handjob movies from ManoJob if you don’t believe me.

Wilco: “Kicking Television“. Nope, it wasn’t released in 2006…just last year, to be exact, and I found out about it when it was released last year, but I hesitated to buy it, cause I’m not a huge fan of live records (unless they’re bootlegged), but I’m glad I bought it this year, cause it’s one of my very favorite things to listen to while I’m driving to Los Angeles to make dirty movies.

Gloryhole: I’ve been shooting this for almost 4 years, and it’s funny, cause no matter how many times I take a trip out to “the hole”, it never ceases to amaze me what happens when we walk in.

The Japanese 10 inch Jazz reissue series, of which I don’t have a name…but they’re Prestige reissues, mainly, but not all of them: I dunno what else to call them. I guess some hot shot Japanese jazz record collector paid a licensing fee to reissue a bunch of impossible-to-find-and-when-you-do-they’re-almost-a-million-dollars-to-buy jazz records, and he was so anal about these reissues he wouldn’t allow things like bar codes to be printed on them. So, they’re exactly like they were when you bought them in 1955 (or so) and they’re very cool to listen to and to look at, and you don’t have to be worried about fucking them up, although I handle all my records very carefully at all times…unless I’m drunk, stoned, or both. Some of the ones I scored were “Thelonious”; Miles Davis’s “All Star Sextet”, “Young Man With a Horn” and “All Stars”; and Sonny Rollins “Quartet”.

Fifi Le Fluff: Barbie Cummings’ little puppy. She’s poops, she pees, and she’ll do it anywhere she damn well pleases.

Chico Wang: Remember that part in The Right Stuff? When they ask Gordon Cooper who he thinks the world’s greatest pilot is? And as he’s thinking about his answer, they flash to Chuck Yeager, getting ready to take that new, super fancy plane out for a test spin? And Cooper thinks about his answer, and you know he wants to say “The World’s Greatest Pilot is Chuck Yeager” but he can’t bring himself to say it, cause his ego wins, so Cooper finally tells the journalist “Why, you’re looking at him.” Well, I’m Cooper, and Chico is Yeager.

Pinkberry: LA-based yogurt chain that will be all the rage soon…which will be about the time I will grow to hate it. But right now? It’s Heavy.

While I’m on the subject of LA-based food stuffs and getting heavy, why not mention Cassell’s? The bestest, most yummiest cheesburgers west of the Mighty Mississip’, since, like, 1942 or something. And that’s right, I used the superlative with “best”.

Cherry Poppens and Dakota

Cherry Poppens: She’s in a semi-retirement, so I hired her to be my PA, and there’s been days when I couldn’t have made it without her help. Lots of days. Sometimes I drive her crazy, and sometimes she drives me crazy, but that’s what relationships (on any level) are all about.

Maggie and Dakota: My pups, one of which is here seen with Cherry — Dakota up front and prominent, with Maggie just cold stone chillen in the back.

LC: Cause this is a porno blog, and she ain’t porno, and if I named LC by name, I don’t think she’d appreciate it, cause then if someone Googles her name, it would eventually show up on a porno blog, and then that foolio would somehow link LC to porno…and like I said, she ain’t porno. I’ll refer to her by initials only, and even though we’ve never met — and probably never will — it’s always special fun to have a pen pal.

Canon camera equipment: Specifially the GL2, which happens to be the world’s finest gonzo, smut-makin’, video camera ever invented, along with the D series cameras — specifically the D10 and D30.

Little Miss Sunshine: What’s better? The world’s preeminent Proust scholar who fails at love, a MacArthur grant, and suicide — almost all on the same day? A motivational speaker who fails at motivating? A heroin sniffin’, foul-mouthed grandpa? A Silent, Angst-in-his-Pants, color blind teen boy? Wait! I know! It’s a nine-year-old beauty pageant contestant who strips to “Super Freak”.

Andy Warhol’s Giant: I love art books. They’re my new favorite passion. Actually, they have been for a few years now, but the out-of-print ones are so expensive, and even the good used ones get pricey. I love Andy Warhol, too. He’s my new favorite passion. Actually, he’s been in my life a few years now, too. If I had access to a Way-Back Machine like the one in Rocky and Bullwinkle, I’d set that motherfucker for 1964 and beam right in to the Factory. Amazon has them for $75 bucks new, which is only a quarter more than a used copy would cost…and since it was published at $125, well, this is a bargain. Or, as Bruno Bischofberger would say, “Super fantastic!”

Bree Olson: Speaking of super freaks, it’s Bree!

Mandingo: It can be argued he’s got the biggest penis in the history of porn. He certainly has the biggest penis working the circuit today. (Sorry Jack Napier…I love ya, but Mandingo wins). It’s been at least a year and a half since we worked together. I couldn’t even book him in 2005. And now he won’t even return my calls. But he’s still The Motherfuckin’ King.

Adrianna Nicole and Lorelei Lee: I shot each of them one time for Blacks On Blondes, and then once together for the same site. Their separate scenes are live in the members’ area, but the one scene they did together — when they worshiped John E. Depth’s enormous black dick, as well as each other’s butt holes — hasn’t made it up yet…but it will be, soon…and once you see it, you’ll be convinced of my pornographic genius. Oh, and Adrianna and Lorelei are both genius, too, and not just in a pornographic way: just read Lorelei’s blog if you don’t believe me.

JOMG: The best, most fun, overlooked website, scientifically designed by Harvard and Standford marketing gurus, for the fetish freak who likes his girls wearing glasses that are schmeared with man goo.

The Minion: He’s 6’1″, 350 pounds; he has a 4 inch penis, with big black rub marks on the inside of his legs; he’s fucked 150 (or so) of the world’s hottest porn whores, (I even watched my (then) girlfriend Jayma Reed fuck him as Chico Wang directed), and he can cite almost every world champion pro wrestler of the last 50 years. I heard that T Reel, in typical male porn star egotistical fashion, walked around the AVN convention a year or so ago, wearing a white, long sleeved t-shirt, clutching a black Sharpie, and asked all the porn starlets he’s ever banged to sign his shirt; I want The Minion to do the same thing this year…but for all the right reasons. And just you wait til his site is up and running. It’ll either make your day — or ruin it.

Barbie Cummings and Fifi Le Fluff