Everyone likes to look back on things, especially now, when there’s a new year in front of us. So here’s my take on 2006, as far as what I really liked about it, and I’m going to keep it somewhat focused to this blog, and to porn — but don’t be surprised if anything that has to do with music or books pops up. This is a totally random list, by the way, so much so I’ll decline to number it.
Ruth Blackwell: Once upon a time there was a girl named Erin Moore. She was a porno girl. Which is to say she made the porno rounds in Porn Valley. The only reason I won’t call her a “Porn Star” is simply that word / phrase is as overused as, say, “genius” or “I love you.” Anyway, there aren’t many porn stars, just like there aren’t many geniuses; porn stars transcend porn and make their way into popular culture, but I digress. So, Erin turned into Ruth, and soon Ruth will have her own website, and it’s the craziest, most twisted interracial porn ever caught on tape. That’s my take on it anyway, and sure, it’s biased, cause I made those movies.
Califone: “quicksand / cradlesnakes“. Nope, it wasn’t released in 2006…2003, to be exact, but I just found out about it this year, and I think it’s one of my very favorite things to listen to while I write.
Wilco: “Kicking Television“. Nope, it wasn’t released in 2006…just last year, to be exact, and I found out about it when it was released last year, but I hesitated to buy it, cause I’m not a huge fan of live records (unless they’re bootlegged), but I’m glad I bought it this year, cause it’s one of my very favorite things to listen to while I’m driving to Los Angeles to make dirty movies.
Gloryhole: I’ve been shooting this for almost 4 years, and it’s funny, cause no matter how many times I take a trip out to “the hole”, it never ceases to amaze me what happens when we walk in.
The Japanese 10 inch Jazz reissue series, of which I don’t have a name…but they’re Prestige reissues, mainly, but not all of them: I dunno what else to call them. I guess some hot shot Japanese jazz record collector paid a licensing fee to reissue a bunch of impossible-to-find-and-when-you-do-they’re-almost-a-million-dollars-to-buy jazz records, and he was so anal about these reissues he wouldn’t allow things like bar codes to be printed on them. So, they’re exactly like they were when you bought them in 1955 (or so) and they’re very cool to listen to and to look at, and you don’t have to be worried about fucking them up, although I handle all my records very carefully at all times…unless I’m drunk, stoned, or both. Some of the ones I scored were “Thelonious”; Miles Davis’s “All Star Sextet”, “Young Man With a Horn” and “All Stars”; and Sonny Rollins “Quartet”.
Fifi Le Fluff: Barbie Cummings’ little puppy. She’s poops, she pees, and she’ll do it anywhere she damn well pleases.
Chico Wang: Remember that part in The Right Stuff? When they ask Gordon Cooper who he thinks the world’s greatest pilot is? And as he’s thinking about his answer, they flash to Chuck Yeager, getting ready to take that new, super fancy plane out for a test spin? And Cooper thinks about his answer, and you know he wants to say “The World’s Greatest Pilot is Chuck Yeager” but he can’t bring himself to say it, cause his ego wins, so Cooper finally tells the journalist “Why, you’re looking at him.” Well, I’m Cooper, and Chico is Yeager.
Pinkberry: LA-based yogurt chain that will be all the rage soon…which will be about the time I will grow to hate it. But right now? It’s Heavy.
While I’m on the subject of LA-based food stuffs and getting heavy, why not mention Cassell’s? The bestest, most yummiest cheesburgers west of the Mighty Mississip’, since, like, 1942 or something. And that’s right, I used the superlative with “best”.
Cherry Poppens: She’s in a semi-retirement, so I hired her to be my PA, and there’s been days when I couldn’t have made it without her help. Lots of days. Sometimes I drive her crazy, and sometimes she drives me crazy, but that’s what relationships (on any level) are all about.
Maggie and Dakota: My pups, one of which is here seen with Cherry — Dakota up front and prominent, with Maggie just cold stone chillen in the back.
LC: Cause this is a porno blog, and she ain’t porno, and if I named LC by name, I don’t think she’d appreciate it, cause then if someone Googles her name, it would eventually show up on a porno blog, and then that foolio would somehow link LC to porno…and like I said, she ain’t porno. I’ll refer to her by initials only, and even though we’ve never met — and probably never will — it’s always special fun to have a pen pal.
Canon camera equipment: Specifially the GL2, which happens to be the world’s finest gonzo, smut-makin’, video camera ever invented, along with the D series cameras — specifically the D10 and D30.
Little Miss Sunshine: What’s better? The world’s preeminent Proust scholar who fails at love, a MacArthur grant, and suicide — almost all on the same day? A motivational speaker who fails at motivating? A heroin sniffin’, foul-mouthed grandpa? A Silent, Angst-in-his-Pants, color blind teen boy? Wait! I know! It’s a nine-year-old beauty pageant contestant who strips to “Super Freak”.
Andy Warhol’s Giant: I love art books. They’re my new favorite passion. Actually, they have been for a few years now, but the out-of-print ones are so expensive, and even the good used ones get pricey. I love Andy Warhol, too. He’s my new favorite passion. Actually, he’s been in my life a few years now, too. If I had access to a Way-Back Machine like the one in Rocky and Bullwinkle, I’d set that motherfucker for 1964 and beam right in to the Factory. Amazon has them for $75 bucks new, which is only a quarter more than a used copy would cost…and since it was published at $125, well, this is a bargain. Or, as Bruno Bischofberger would say, “Super fantastic!”
Bree Olson: Speaking of super freaks, it’s Bree!
Mandingo: It can be argued he’s got the biggest penis in the history of porn. He certainly has the biggest penis working the circuit today. (Sorry Jack Napier…I love ya, but Mandingo wins). It’s been at least a year and a half since we worked together. I couldn’t even book him in 2005. And now he won’t even return my calls. But he’s still The Motherfuckin’ King.
Adrianna Nicole and Lorelei Lee: I shot each of them one time for Blacks On Blondes, and then once together for the same site. Their separate scenes are live in the members’ area, but the one scene they did together — when they worshiped John E. Depth’s enormous black dick, as well as each other’s butt holes — hasn’t made it up yet…but it will be, soon…and once you see it, you’ll be convinced of my pornographic genius. Oh, and Adrianna and Lorelei are both genius, too, and not just in a pornographic way: just read Lorelei’s blog if you don’t believe me.
JOMG: The best, most fun, overlooked website, scientifically designed by Harvard and Standford marketing gurus, for the fetish freak who likes his girls wearing glasses that are schmeared with man goo.
The Minion: He’s 6’1″, 350 pounds; he has a 4 inch penis, with big black rub marks on the inside of his legs; he’s fucked 150 (or so) of the world’s hottest porn whores, (I even watched my (then) girlfriend Jayma Reed fuck him as Chico Wang directed), and he can cite almost every world champion pro wrestler of the last 50 years. I heard that T Reel, in typical male porn star egotistical fashion, walked around the AVN convention a year or so ago, wearing a white, long sleeved t-shirt, clutching a black Sharpie, and asked all the porn starlets he’s ever banged to sign his shirt; I want The Minion to do the same thing this year…but for all the right reasons. And just you wait til his site is up and running. It’ll either make your day — or ruin it.