I took a class today and learned the fine art of Polaroid transfers and emulsion rubs. I like taking art classes, if, for any other reason, just to clear my head of the filth I create as a smut peddler.

As I was making my Polaroid transfer, the teacher was blabbing about something, and then she said, “not to change the subject, but I was listening to NPR today…”

I dunno if you’ve ever sat through an art class, but all the people who take them are NPR junkies, so I really didn’t pay attention to her. I was focusing on my transfer, but what she said next caught me by surprise.

“NPR said this weekend there’s something going on in Las Vegas. Do you guys know what they were talking about?”

There were three of us in class, making Polaroid transfers, and they other ladies were 50, maybe 55 years old, and they had no idea what was going on in Las Vegas this weekend.

I knew what was going on in Vegas.

“Um, well…” she stammered. “The adult entertainment industry was having their national convention this weekend.”

One of the ladies said, “What’s that mean? Adult entertainment?”

Suddenly, this very weird vibe feel over the room. And no one answered her…until I did.

“I think they’re talking about the porn industry.” I said it in this way that would have made you laugh. I had to keep from laughing, anyway.

It’s hard, at times, being a pornographer. My immediate family knows what I do for a living, and they don’t mind. Once you get to grandma, and aunts and uncles, and cousins…well, they don’t know. And when I say it’s hard being in my business, it’s hard cause I’m not a liar. Lying really isn’t part of my nature. Of course I’ve lied…but it isn’t something I do on any kind of consistent basis…until, say, it’s Thanksgiving, and my grammy says something like, “tell me, Billy, how’s your work going?”

The table goes silent, and all eyes turn to me.

I could say something like, “well, Grammy…I’ve hard a week. I tried to shoot a double anal scene with Hillary Scott, and it just didn’t happen. Then, Hillary got kinda upset, and she blamed the black guys, and the black guys blamed her, and even though the scene got shot, it coulda been better. Then I had four whores flake on me for a trip to the gloryhole, and during a Spunkmouth shoot with Bree Olson, one of the load dumpers hurt himself on the basketball court and couldn’t dump a load.”

Instead, I lie, and I tell her things are great. Most of my family thinks I’m a “web guy” and when they press me as to what I do, I’ll say something fancy like, “I offer hosting solutions,” and if they press me further, I’ll talk about “server-side apps” and “design work” and “php coding”.

That usually shuts them up.

Anyways, I said it again. “They’re talking about the porn industry,” and the three ladies looked at me, and one of them said, “Oh my home!”

Oh my home? What does that mean, exactly? I wanted to ask her, but I didn’t, and thinking about it now, I think it was a nice way of saying “Oh my hell!”

Then the teacher chimed in. “They say the porno industry makes more money than football, basketball, and baseball combined!”

I’ve heard that before, and I don’t agree with it. I mean, if we’re making all this money, where is it? Cause I ain’t rich, that’s for sure.

The vibe was still pretty weird, and one of the ladies simply changed the subject. “What do you think about Bush’s speech the other night?”

I think, from now on, I’m just telling everyone what I do for a living. I don’t give a shit anymore.

Did I ever mention the time I went to Paris? And walked into a dirty bookstore? It’s amazing what was legal over there, and on the shelves, ready to buy: chicks doing horses and dogs (legal!); movies with 16 and 17 year old girls (legal!); pooping and pissing movies (legal!); and it seems each weird kink is really popular in certain countries.

Germans love to use each other like a toilet. I forget who loves the barnyard flicks. And it appears everyone in Europe loves 16 year old girls. And we all know the Japanese love their bukkake.

I didn’t know this until recently, but Japanese porn stars — the female talent — are called “AV Idols”. I can’t remember why.

My Actor Pal loves the AV Idols. He’s one of those dudes who obsesses on Asian girls. By the way, I can no longer refer to my actor pal as anything but “Actor Pal” due to a “moral clause” in his contract with the studio; he can’t be associated with anything having to do with the P Word.

Anyways, Actor Pal knows all about AV Idols. He’s the one who defined the term for me, and he says that in Japan, they’re very popular. And they’re not looked down upon, like porn stars can be here in the US. Actor Pal also tells me the Yakuza (Japanese Mafia) runs all the porn in Japan, and the dudes in the Yakuza are all tatted up, but none of the dudes here in LA had any tats on them whatsoever. In fact, the local translator confirmed none of the Japanese guys here are Yakuza.

Japanese porn is kooky. With a K.

Noah, my editor, watches it a lot, and he showed me some. The best was a flick called “Sex Truck Fully Open” (this is a translation, of course) and it featured three AV Idols and three dudes driving around Tokyo in a large truck…the kind of truck you’d use to move a houseful of furninture. As they drove around the city, they’d do all sorts of naughty things in the truck, right in the middle of traffic. And every once in a while, they’d show some building, superimposed in the upper right corner of the screen.

The only thing we could think of is those were the buildings they were driving by as the did The Naughty.

Foreplay only while driving in the truck, and it went on for about 45 minutes — no exaggeration! Imagine shooting 45 minutes of foreplay in an American porno.

Did you know Japanese censorship laws call for pixilated penises and vaginas? No naughty bits for them to see! And we thought the Bush Administration was bad.

Suddenly, the truck pulled over in front of a public park, pulled up to the curb, and parked.

Parked truck meant the end of foreplay and the start of the sex.

And right when they were really getting down, the whole side of the truck would suddenly open! The truck was totally tricked out, so, with the push of a button, its side opened. And it opened without any warning whatsoever, so everyone doing the naughty were suddenly exposed to the folks who happened to be walking through the park!

Of course the camera would focus on the startled AV Idols, as well as the equally startled spectators. The AV Idols would sheepishly continue, and the people walking the park would do a variety of things: cover their eyes and leave; pretend they didn’t see what they saw and keep walking; watch with interest; watch with disbelief; and, invariably, the ones who covered their eyes and left would return later.

They opened and closed the door, totally at random, for the next half hour or so. Finally a large crowd formed around the truck, waiting anxiously for those doors to open.

And open they did.

They opened the doors one final time, and the dudes blew their loads on the AV Idols, and everyone clapped, and then the crowd was actually invited in to the truck, where they all got to meet the stars of the show! During the AV Idol clean-up time!!

Sex Truck Fully Open. Kooky…with a K.

Hina Ohtsuka is an AV Idol. There I am, underneath her, behaving like a perv. She sure is a tiny little thing! Hina’s here to do a gang bang scene, because, from what I understand, black dudes banging the AV Idols is getting popular in Japan. Go figure…it shouldn’t be too long before there’s an Asian version of Blacks On Blondes — I’m sure it already exists.

If it was my site, I’d call it Spooks on Gooks, just to piss everyone off.