Category Archives: Worst of Billy Watson

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not), Worst of Billy Watson

I Got Paid To Fuck Gia Paloma

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Gia Paloma
When I was in junior high, I had a Social Studies teacher who was a total hippy. He’d play records while we were working on whatever it was we were working on that day. One of his records was “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”, and I’d always wonder why anyone would name anything “The Worst” of…until now.

Lately people have been asking about being male talent in this industry. I thought I’d reflect upon my experience.

This blog’s original air date: January 27th, 2007

The first guy to rent my new studio runs a site called We Be Lez. It’s not too hard to figure out what kind of dirty movies he makes from the name of the site.

It’s exciting, anytime you start a business, to get your first sale. I don’t even think my studio is ready to take on rentals, but here I am, renting it, which means (I hope) that when it is ready to show to potential renters, it’ll be easy.

So when my renter — who I’ll refer to herein as We Be Lez — got to my studio, we exchanged niceties, and while I gave him The Tour, he told me who he had booked for the following day: Gia Paloma, Tyla Winn, and Isis Love. Not a bad line-up, if you ask me.

Like any good host, at the end of The Tour, I asked if he had any questions.

“Yea Billy, I got one for you. Would you work the camera for me tomorrow while I work a dildo on Gia Paloma?”

To be honest, I was kinda hoping for the day off. I wanted to get out and hunt down decent used porno sofas for my empty sets, and I just wanted to get out of the studio for the day…but it’s Gia Paloma, and who wouldn’t want to watch her get banged with a dildo? Plus, Gia and I were kinda friendly — Adriana Nicole introduced us one night, and we all went out for Sushi. It would be nice to see her again. So I agreed.

“Um, I got one more question for ya, Billy.”

He hesitated before the “um” and “I one more question for ya”, and that made me nervous.

I looked at him. “Yea,” I said.

“Think you would fuck Gia for me tomorrow? On camera?”

I shot back immediately, “Oh no. I’m not male talent.”

“I know. I know. That’s OK.”

Then, he didn’t say anything. He just looked at me.

Silence. Then, more silence. I looked down at the ground. My head started working…at about 40 miles an hour. “You don’t really want me to fuck Gia.”

“Yes, I do.”

More silence.

My head picked up to 55 miles an hour, mainly cause I haven’t been laid since October. And ever since I met Gia, I thought she was really hot. In fact I saw her once, a week or so after our Sushi dinner, and Gia was walking her dog, cause she lives across the street from my studio, and she looked great. “But you really don’t want me. Really bro. I mean dude, I’ve got an Average Joe Dick — certainly not Joe Porno Dick. Besides, you run a lesbo site. Who wants to watch a boy-girl scene when they join a lesbo site?”

“My members like boy-girl sex from time to time. And I don’t care about your dick size. I think there’s lots of guys out there who don’t mind seeing an average guy like yourself fuck a beautiful girl. Plus, I’ll pay you three hundred dollars.”

Extended silence.

And as the silence just hung there, thick in the air, I could feel myself caving in. And thinking I cannot believe this conversation is really going down. I’m being offered a job to fuck a girl — and not just any girl — and I’m being offered 300 bucks to bang Gia Paloma. I’m a middle-aged guy who’s 25 pounds overweight with a 6 inch wiener and someone is offering me money to fuck a Porn Star. What kind of world do we live in?

I think my head was up to, like, 70 miles an hour. “I dunno man,” I said.

“She wants to fuck you,” We Be Lez said.

Well now this was just plain silly. My head crashed. And this time my reaction was immediate: “Gia Paloma does NOT want to fuck me!”

“She does! Honest man!! We had this conversation when I was booking her!”

I could feel my face grow flush and get warm. We went back and forth, and I kept insisting that Gia didn’t want to fuck me, and We Be Lez kept saying Gia did, so I told We Be Lez I’d think about it.

We Be Lez asked, “What are my chances I’ll get the scene?”

“Um, I’m maybe 80% sure. I’ll let you know tomorrow.”

And the next day he came right back at me. “So, have you made up your mind yet? Do you want to fuck Gia?”

I had, and I would.

I wanted to for all sorts of reasons, none of which had anything to do with bragging to you fuckers about it, or bragging to my friends about it; I did want to fuck Gia on a purely sexual level, but I knew doing it with her in front of a camera was not really all that sexual and mostly just work. Hard work. Laugh all you want, but until you step in front of those lights, sans clothes, just to put on a show for pervy dudes like yourself, with a really hot girl…well, until that happens to you, then you’ll never know what I mean.

But damn, it was a really crazy to think that I was getting hired as a porno dude, and it was a really weird thing to think that I was getting hired as a porno dude, and, when it comes down to it, that was really the main impetus for my decision.

Well, that and I get to fuck Gia Paloma.

“Um, can I ask you one other thing, Billy?”

I braced myself. And winced.

“Think you can give her an anal creampie?”

I laughed. Out loud. Really hard. “Dude. I am not male talent. Let’s just see if I can make it through this.”

The truth: I was intimidated by Gia Paloma. Big time. And I told her so when she walked in. In fact, we huddled up in my make-up room and I went over everything — from my feelings about the scene, and how it was presented to me, to the actual sex act itself, and how I should do it, and if she could help me, and she was really, really sweet about the whole thing.

And guess what? She did wanna fuck me. That I will brag about. So there.

Well, at least she told me that before the scene. Which is a really smart thing to tell male talent before you’re about to work with him, cause the last thing you want is a limp dick on set. Especially one that admits to being intimidated.

Before the scene rolled, we were filling out paperwork, and I was behind Gia, and getting kinda pervy, and the next thing you know the paperwork’s on the floor, and me and Gia are, too, and We Be Lez is rolling camera. Things went great. In our business, that’s called “BTS” — behind the scenes.

After that, Gia did her thing, and We Be Lez did his thing with the dildo, and I did my thing with the camera, and Gia was simply amazing. I don’t even like solo toy videos, but Gia fucking got me going…which was a good thing, cause before I knew it, it was my turn.

I did OK. I was strong out of the starting blocks, but I kinda stumbled about 1/2 through the race. But Gia would look me in the eye and say really naughty things. Super Naughty. Things that would get you arrested in, say, 80% of the world.

She pulled my nipples…really hard.

She breathed heavy…right into my ear.

She stuck her tongue deep in my mouth.

Then she whispered more filthy things that only I could hear. And even though this was a show, she made me believe every fucking word she said.

I spit in her mouth.

She spit back into mine.

I loved every second of it.

Then, she got on her hands and knees.

As I was about to fuck her doggy style, she pissed all over my dick.

And when she was done pissing, she looked over her shoulder and right at me and said, “Now fuck my ass.”

I looked over at We Be Lez, and his eyes were as big as plates. I think this meant he liked The Show. I need to mention, at this point in the story, that I’m not a big ass man. I mean I like asses, but I don’t really ever feel the need to fuck them. And when I stuck it into Gia’s bottom, I heard her say something like “that piss makes my ass burn” and that totally threw me off.

I don’t want to make Gia’s ass burn.

Which is to say I totally lost my wood.

Which is to say no anal cream pie.

It took a little bit after that, but I was good for The Money Shot, and then I scooped it up and fed it to Gia, cause she asked me to, and then she smiled and thanked me, and that was that.

The End.

Of the scene, and my career as male talent. With one scene under my belt, I’m now officially retired. Cause as great as it was to get paid to have sex with Gia Paloma, I know it’s not the sort of thing for me.

Afterward, we laughed about it, and we went and had Baked Ziti and Italian sausage in Larchmount, and then we went to Pinkberry for yogurt, and then we went to Nina Hartley’s Polyamorous Workshop, cause Gia and Nina are pals, and I got to meet Nina, and guess what? She’s one of the most intelligent women I’ve heard speak, and she’s a nice person, and I bought a copy of her new book, and she signed it for me, and you should but a copy, too.

We talked about working together, too! Imagine that: Nina Hartley at Blacks On Blondes! (Since then, I’ve been lucky to bring Nina to a glory hole, as well as Blacks on Cougars.)

Nina told me, “Oh, I fucked FM Bradley in 1984,” she said and smiled, “and it pissed a lot of people off.”

If the scene goes down, it will certainly turn into another blog…and somehow, in 2007, I don’t think anyone will be pissed about it at all.

We’ve come a long way, right?

Nina Hartley's Guide to Total Sex

Worst of Billy Watson

Porn = Art?

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Bad Jenna

When I was in junior high, I had a Social Studies teacher who was a total hippy. He’d play records while we were working on whatever it was we were working on that day. One of his records was “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”, and I’d always wonder why anyone would name anything “The Worst” of…until now.

I stand by this blog, and my take that the sole purpose of porn is to make a dude ejaculate. In the same breath I’d like to say I’ve never met Eon, but I know a lot of people who have, and everyone who works with him respects him and has nothing but good things to say…but that doesn’t mean he’s right. Nor am I.

This blog’s original air date: November 25th, 2005.

MR sends me an article from the Village Voice on some new porno director dude calling himself “Eon McKai“, part of which reads:

I fundamentally disagree that all porn can do—and should do—is get people off. Porn illustrates fantasies and shows people other sexual worlds. It teaches, it preaches. It validates, invalidates, reflects, inspires, entertains, evokes, even enrages….Some producers want to churn it out as fast as they can and collect their paychecks. But there are others who want to make something different, who have an agenda, who are not just phoning it in. Just because there are close-up shots of cocks impaling pussies doesn’t mean it can’t be art.

Then, McKai is quoted in the same article as saying: Porn just happens to be this thing where the person giving you the money really wants good sex. So you, as the director, have all this room to play in between the humping,” says McKai. “Can you blame me for putting a little art in there?

And to this I say fuck yea, Mr. McKai, I’ll blame you. I’ll blame you all day long…for making bad porn.

Let’s get something straight: porn has never been – nor ever will be – art.

One of the things Paul Thomas Anderson really got right in his film Boogie Nights was Burt Reynold’s character “Jack Horner”. Mr. McKai is today’s Jack Horner. As is Paul Thomas, and the Jenna Jameson crew, and everyone at Vivid, Wicked, VCA, and every other company that spends more than, say, $12,000 for a skin flick.

See, when it gets down to it, all these porno people want to be are “real” movie stars. They want to be “real” directors, and “real” writers. But they can’t. Usually, they can’t because of a lack of talent. It’s really that simple. Don’t get me wrong – they’re great pornographers. Well…most of them started out as great pornographers.

Then, they wanted “more”. They wanted to realize their “inner vision”. Some creative idea that “needed to released.”

Just like Jack Horner’s editor says in Boogie Nights, right after he’s done cutting the latest Chest Rockwell/Brock Landers film, “well Jack, you’ve really done it. This is it. This is a real movie.” And Jack’s chest inflates; he’s so proud of himself.

Not for making good porn…but for making a “real” movie.

Poor Jack.

Poor Eon.

Making a statement like “porn can be art” is offensive. I can see Marcel Duchamp groaning up in Art Heaven right now, over a game of chess. Next to Warhol, who’s hanging out with his old heart throb Truman Capote…as they’re watching Jackson Pollack stumble around, drunk and insecure.

Some work might fall in a “gray area”. Mapplethorpe comes to mind almost immediately. But all it takes is someone with 1/2 a brain about one second to realize Mapplethorpe’s photography isn’t porn. Labeling Mapplethorpe’s photos as “porn” would be a lot like calling a painting by Peter Paul Rebens dirty – or sitting in a musuem, realizing you’re all alone, and trying to rub one out over Renoir’s “A Seated Bather”.

I hate to break the news to ya, but there’s good porn, and there’s bad porn. And that’s it. And porn’s sole reason to exist is to get people off. Nothing more. Ever.

For me, good porn just shows a heet getting pounded by a dude, and she takes a big ol’ load to the kisser. Especially if she didn’t want it on her face. Or a cute white chick getting banged by a big-dicked brother. Or two super hot lesbos making out and fingering each other till someone’s pussy squirts.

For me, bad porn is some bullshit session where “actors” like Jenna Jameson and her crew fuck their husbands/boyfriends on camera after trying to memorize a bad script some two-bit hack wrote…all the while shit is blowing up all around them. Or while pirates are chasing them.

Great porn: Circa ’94 Jenna Jameson fucking Randy West in Up and Cummers #10 cause she needed money desperately.

Bad Porn: Circa ’05 Jenna Jameson fucking her hubby (for the umpteeth time) in The New Devil in Miss Jones for way too much money while Paul Thomas “directs”.

If I want to see a bad action movie, I’ll rent a Steven Segal flick. Or anything starring Sly Stallone.

If I want to see an art film, I’ll go to LA MOCA on Saturday nights.

Just like Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell, “serious porn” (for lack of a better name) is, at best, laughable. It’s mostly dumb and boring. It’s porn being made by mainstream entertainment failures and wannabes who can’t admit to what they are.

And finally – to Eon Mckai. Change your name, immediately. It’s an insult to Minor Threat/Fugazi fans everywhere – as well as Mr. MacKaye himself. If you need a good porno name, here’s the rule: take your childhood pet’s name followed by the street you grew up on.

It works almost everytime.

Good Jenna

How To Be A Porn Star, Worst of Billy Watson

How Much Money do Porn Stars Make?

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interracial gangbang
When I was in junior high, I had a Social Studies teacher who was a total hippy. He’d play records while we were working on whatever it was we were working on that day. One of his records was “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”, and I’d always wonder why anyone would name anything “The Worst” of…until now.

Things have changed a bit since I wrote this. Work has slowed in Porn Valley. DVD’s are dead. Tube sites are giving the porn consumers everything for free in hopes that you’ll sign up for one of the dating sites they promote. I still get e-mails all the time for this info, so I’m running it once more.

This blog’s original air date: October 19th, 2005.

You wanna start a website, right? Maybe you want to produce dirty DVD’s? So you went out, bought all the equipment, and you’re ready to start working. Time to book talent!

Or maybe you’re sitting at your desk, making your 40 or 50K a year, and you’re bored, and you’re thinking Wonder if I could be a porn star? And if so…wonder how much money I could make?

Maybe you have no desire to earn a living as a porn star…but you’re curious?

Wanna book a porn girl for nudie pics? That’s gonna run you about $100 bucks an hour. She should also play with herself a little bit for that kind of dough. But don’t expect her to ram a giant dildo up her snatch. That’s gonna cost you a tad more.

Blowjob scene more your speed? That’s $250 – $300, depending on the girl. If you want her to gag, or drool, or do a “rough” BJ, add $50 or so.

I know. I know. You like lesbians. Who doesn’t? That’s a $400 – $800 deal, per girl. It just depends on the girl, and what it is you exactly want them to do.

Personally, jerking off to lesbos got boring when I was still in high school. I really like to watch people fuck. That’s gonna be $700 to $1000 per girl. Expect to pay the dude anywhere from $100 bucks all the way up to $1000…again, it really depends on the dude – specifically, how big is the pee-pee? And can Homey keep it hard when those hot lights are on him? With strangers around, watching it all?

If you’re really naughty, you like to see a girl take it up the butt. Figure $1100 – $1400.

And you like more than one guy, of course! That’s an extra $200 per dick for whatever it is you’re talking about…BJ’s, sex, buttsex. Whatever. Unless he’s just dropping a load…then it’s only a hundie more.

Don’t ask me about weirdo fetish type shit. I can’t help.

Now here’s the fun part – let’s do the math! If you’re a dude, and you’re at, say, $400 a scene, and you manage to get work 3 days out of the week, you’re at $1200 a week! 62K a year to fuck porn stars!! Uh huh!

Let’s say you’re a chick, and you’re a heet. (Heet=hot) You’re getting booked for sex scenes every day of the week! That’s almost $5000 a week! WOW! And you can do that as long as your poonanny holds up. And when she gives, start doing anal! (By the way, don’t worry about your period…that’s what make-up sponges are for, silly.)

If you’re going to let an agent work for you, expect to pay your pimp 10 – 20%, depending how much work you expect your pimp to do…like, if he’s driving you around town, that’s good for 15-20%. If you can get yourself around, why pay more than 15%?

Now get to work!

(And if you’re wondering about the girl in the pic I shot here, it’s Judy Starr; she did what’s known as a b/b/b/g (boy-boy-boy-girl) and made about $1300 for the scene. Each dude got $500 or so. I was working second camera back then. That’s Dogfart standing in the foreground, and Justin Timberlake-Feels-Your-Pain on his knee, getting the insertion shot. You can see the scene at the one and only Blacks On Blondes.)

stories from porno land (some amusing, some not), The First Time I Met Her, Worst of Billy Watson

Lisa Marie and STD’s.

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Lisa Marie


When I was in junior high, I had a Social Studies teacher who was a total hippy. He’d play records while we were working on whatever it was we were working on that day. One of his records was “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”, and I’d always wonder why anyone would name anything “The Worst” of…until now.

This blog’s original air date: September 27, 2005…so I don’t know if her e-mail is still any good. I don’t even think she’s in the biz anymore. I suppose you could try the e-mail if you’re a fan. But don’t e-mail her just to shit talk, ok? By the way, I still like this entry enough to run it again whilst on the road to the Czech Republic.

By the way, anyone know what the girls are like there?

Oh…and Lisa Marie did come back, more than once…so how about I toss some free movies your way?

Here’s a Lisa Marie and Ruth Blackwell interracial movie for ya.

Here’s Lisa Marie in the glory hole. I remember very cleary she pulled a pen from her purse and scribbled “Skeezah Skeezah The Dick Pleezah” on the bathroom wall. I don’t remember if she told me her high school nickname was “Skeezah” but I think she did.

Yesterday Lisa Marie showed up for her shoot – early – and realizes, while she’s shooting pool in my green room, that her HIV test just expired 24 hours ago.

It’s a long story, but last month she tested positive for gonorrhea…and her retest was delayed…and the next thing you know she’s forgetting the original date of her HIV test…see, I told you it’s a long story.

And now you’re thinking one of two things – you’re either grossed out that she’s got a STD, or you’re thinking she “deserves” it, or she “got what was coming to her”.

Or, you can’t believe I just posted it here — on my blog — for all to read.

Well, I asked Lisa if I could write about it, cause this is a porn blog, and it’s about the sex business, and these sorts of things happen all the time in Porno Land. And I want people that don’t live and work in Porno Land to know a little about what it’s like to do so. And she OK’d it.

Sure, porn stars are tested every 30 days for HIV, gonorrhea, and chlamydia. But in a world where friends and strangers fuck for a living, STD’s are commonplace. And it’s also commonplace on every college campus in the nation, but that’s a different story. Or is it? I mean I got chlamydia when I was in school, and almost all my pals came down with drippy dick once or twice.

So don’t blame porn, brother.

I could ramble on about Herpes and Staph — both which aren’t part of the Porno STD test — but then I’m afraid I might ruin porn for ya.

Anyway, I was bummed, cause Lisa Marie is a heet, and she’s nice, and she loves to fuck on camera, and I know I’m gonna miss a great scene. I tell her this. And she comes back with a date next month to reschedule, and an unpublished pic for my blog. How fucking cool is that? The pic was shot by Floyd Hardwick; it’s one of his test shots, and it’s gonna end up somewhere on a Jim Lane product…don’t know which one, yet.

Then she gave me her e-mail to post here, so more of her fans can write! She loves getting e-mails as much as I dig reading your comments on this, so here ya go: LM4202004 at Yahoo (dot) com. So write and tell her how much you love her.

I know I do.

stories from porno land (some amusing, some not), Worst of Billy Watson

The Minion

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The Minion

When I was in junior high, I had a Social Studies teacher who was a total hippy. He’d play records while we were working on whatever it was we were working on that day. One of his records was “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”, and I’d always wonder why anyone would name anything “The Worst” of…until now.

This blog’s original air date: October 22, 2005.

min·ion:
1. An obsequious follower or dependent; a sycophant.
2. A subordinate official.
3. One who is highly esteemed or favored; a darling.

[French mignon, darling, from Old French mignot, mignon.]

He’s 6’4″ – maybe more.

He weighs 320 pounds – maybe more.

His penis is 4 inches long – maybe less.

And they call him The Minion.

Everything I tell you here is true, so with that being understood, let’s talk about The Minion. When he first got into the porn biz a while back, he was a virgin. Well, that’s not entirely true. Once time he paid a whore to fuck him, but he only got 2 pumps in before it was all over. And now – a year or so later and thanks to the help of Diabolic/Anabolic director Chico Wang – he’s fucked 70 or 80 of the hottest porn stars working today: Courtney Cummz, Luci Thai, Alicia Alighatti, Kat, Chanel Chavez, Sativa Rose, and a shitload more.

You see him here from tonight’s shoot with Alisha Alighatti.

I just left a few hours ago.

I think I’ll tell you how it went down: The Minion starts with a dozen Jumbo Jacks in front of him. He’s nude, with just a towel wrapped around him. He’s laying on Chico’s floor with the burgers. They’re laid out to form a perfect burger pyramid. There’s also a large container of maple syrup, as well as 2 large cans of whipped cream. As he begins to devour the hamburgers, he starts this nutty rant on Italians.

See, Alisha is Italian, so The Minion wants to get her all worked up.

So from bad jokes about Italian food, to why the Italians lost WWII, to Mafia jokes, The Minion covers all bases. He leaves nothing out. All the while shoving Jumbo Jack after Jumbo Jack down his throat…while chugging maple syrup in between.

Does this have you all sexed up yet?

If not, then enter Alisha. She’s maybe 5’5″, 105 pounds; she’s got perfect tits to match her perfect ass, and full lips with bright blue eyes. And she’s pissed from all the Italian jokes. She’s holding a long piece of PVC pipe in her hands. So the first thing she does is whack The Minion across his back.

“Is that all you have, byatch?” The Minion asks.

Alisha cracks him again, way harder this time. He howls. Then, after Alisha squirts him down with whipped cream, she yells a bunch more at him…then shoves more Jumbo Jack down his throat. Repeat a few times. Then they proceed to fuck and suck. The whole time I’m sitting behind the lights, watching this whole deal go down. And I’m pinching my nose and covering my mouth, trying to hold back the laughter.

I wish I could remember some of The Minion’s lines. Most were priceless. He burped a lot, and spit food all over Alisha. All the while I was kinda drunk, and trying to send my little brother and Spring Thomas the shitty video clips I was shooting from my cell phone.

It was that kinda night…

They fuck and suck for about 40 minutes. Well, the actual fuck/suck time was much less. The Minion had a hard time keeping his dick hard. I dunno if it was the large welts on his back from the PVC pipe, or all Alisha’s verbal abuse about how little his dick was…but he did manage to fuck and suck and blow his nut right down her throat.

So what’s the point of tonight’s blog, anyway?

Maybe the real question here is…who’s getting taken advantage of here? The poor Minion, who took some of the most severe and raunchy verbal abuse I’ve ever heard a girl yell? Poor Alisha Alighatti, who – for about 750 clams – had to suck and fuck this beast of a man…then swallow his large, sticky load? Or is it us…the ones who get to witness this car wreck?

You be the judge.

The Minion

stories from porno land (some amusing, some not), Worst of Billy Watson

Jordan O’Neal and Her Interracial Meltdown.

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Jordan O'Neal

When I was in junior high, I had a Social Studies teacher who was a total hippy. He’d play records while we were working on whatever it was we were working on that day. One of his records was “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”, and I’d always wonder why anyone would name anything “The Worst” of…until now.

This blog’s original air date: October 16, 2005.

Jordan O’Neal and I had made the trip the the Gloryhole, and then for Spunkmouth. Both scenes turned out great. So when I booked her for a b/g/g with Spring Thomas, I thought all would go well.

Thought.

It had been about 3 or 4 months since I shot her last. I had found this shitty gloryhole near the airport, and she had no problem sucking a stranger’s dick. Home Slice had a jumbo-sized weiner, too…and it didn’t daunt her at all.

In other words, Jordan’s trip to the gloryhole was off the hook.

Since the gloryhole went so well, booking her for a Spunkmouth scene was a no-brainer. And it was a scene went down when the HIV scare was sweeping porn valley, so it was a condom scene – even though they both had clean tests. Better safe than sorry.

And again, another great scene for Jordan.

Jordan showed up for her Spring Thomas scene in a decent enough mood. I mean there was nothing to tip me off as to what was about to go down. She laid out an outfit or two; I chose the bra and panty set. While she got ready, I went over the scene: she’s going to be converted to a black cock slut by the infamous Spring Thomas. I spelled it out for her very clearly. “Be reluctant at first, and then gradually start to like it.”

Her agent, who’s there with us, had no problem with the scenario.

Jordan had no problem with the scenario.

Agent left and Jordan got ready for work. Something was definitely up as I watched her get naked. She had dropped a bunch of weight since the last time we worked. I noticed it a bit in her street clothes; naked, she was really skinny.

We all know what rapid weight loss usually means in this biz. I don’t know if this was the case with Jordan, but damn…she was so skinny if I would have seen a recent pic of her, I wouldn’t have booked her.

But here she was, and we had a scene to shoot.

5 minutes into work time, male talent is getting his dick sucked, and it’s still soft. Surprised? I wasn’t. I had worked with the guy multiple times, and I knew it was his warm-up time. 2 or 3 more minutes, and he’d be rock solid. Apparently, Jordan didn’t think so. She walked off set, upset.

I followed her a couple seconds later. “What’s wrong?”

“He doesn’t like me,” she said.

I laughed. A nice laugh. Not a you gotta be kidding me this is a porn set and it really doesn’t matter if he likes you or not we’re here to work laugh. “Come on Jordan. He likes you just fine. I’ve worked with this guy a million times. It just takes him a few to warm up. Besides, he’s worked with Spring before, so it’s not like new pussy. Once he gets to you, he’ll be rock solid.”

We walk back in. And male talent knows Jordan’s a bit uptight, but he’s cool. Spring works his dick some more, and Jordan sits down. Jordan watches Spring work male talent up; I fidgit with my camera. About a minute later, Jordan gets back up and walks out. Male talent looks at me. Spring looks at me. I wait a few, then go out to get Jordan.

“Listen. I get paid to fuck. Not fluff.”

“Um, I’m confused Jordan. Who’s asking you to fluff?”

No answer. Because no one was asking her to fluff. And now that she’s talked loud enough for male talent to hear her, I have a potential problem. Male talent has performed for me over and over, so I’m really not that worried.

“Jordan. I need you on set so when he does get hard, we can jump right into the work.”

She follows me back into set. She sees Spring still working him up. And then she turns around and walks out.

I look at Spring, who shrugs at me with a dick in her mouth. Male talent is focusing on Spring. I sigh. I walk back out.

“Jordan, is there a problem here?”

I am polite. I am calm. But I know something’s about to go down.

“I told you. I get paid to fuck. Not fluff.”

“Jordan. I’m not asking you to fluff. Have I asked you to fluff? Have you once sucked his dick yet?”

She looks at me. She looks away. She picks up her soda and takes a sip. And then she says, “You’re making me feel uncomfortable now.”

That’s all I needed to hear. In a biz where people think all we ever do is trick these girls into doing what they do…or force them into doing what they do…even mentioning the word “uncomfortable” means I’m not shooting them.

I pull the plug. Immediately. I walk over to my desk, dial Agent’s number, and tell him to come get his talent. Less than 7 minutes from when we started rolling, the scene is dead. Killed. Which kinda pissed me off, cause it was the first time I’ve ever had to kill a scene.

And when I declare it’s dead, I glance at Jordan. I watch her brain start to work, and she knows I’m serious. I don’t know if it’s because she just lost $900, or it’s the last day of the month and maybe she can’t pay her rent…I mean I don’t know what set her off, but Jordan started to scream.

She yelled and screamed about what an asshole I was. About how the male talent couldn’t get wood. How none of this was her fault. Then she started to yell about how cool Spring is. How cool the male talent is. About how cool she thought I used to be.

I tell her — calmly — she’s not making sense.

She throws her clothes around as she’s dressing, and she’s yelling more psychobabble.

(Psychobabble: is that a word? (After consulting dictionary.com, yes, it is…but I didn’t use it correctly here. Well, not really)).

I call her agent again so he can hear what’s going down, which upset her even more. As she’s making a mad scramble to scoop up all her stuff, she’s either yell — or say anything at all.

Her agent heard every word over the phone as he was en route to my studio.

And by this time all of us just stood there, looking at her. No one said anything…except Jordan.

Psychobabble.

By the time Agent arrived, Jordan’s in her car, driving down the street. Her head is hanging out her window, yelling obscenities — both at me and her agent — and flipping us off. “You stupid motherfuckerrrrrssssssssss!”

And that’s the last time I ever saw her.

I walked in. Male talent looked at me. He shook his head. Spring looked at me. She shook her head. I look at both of them and said, “well, that was certainly interesting.”

What else is there to do but turn a b/g/g into a b/g?

And in no time at all they’re fucking the shit out of each other while I held a camera.

The story of my life…