Did I ever mention the time I went to Paris? And walked into a dirty bookstore? It’s amazing what was legal over there, and on the shelves, ready to buy: chicks doing horses and dogs (legal!); movies with 16 and 17 year old girls (legal!); pooping and pissing movies (legal!); and it seems each weird kink is really popular in certain countries.

Germans love to use each other like a toilet. I forget who loves the barnyard flicks. And it appears everyone in Europe loves 16 year old girls. And we all know the Japanese love their bukkake.

I didn’t know this until recently, but Japanese porn stars — the female talent — are called “AV Idols”. I can’t remember why.

My Actor Pal loves the AV Idols. He’s one of those dudes who obsesses on Asian girls. By the way, I can no longer refer to my actor pal as anything but “Actor Pal” due to a “moral clause” in his contract with the studio; he can’t be associated with anything having to do with the P Word.

Anyways, Actor Pal knows all about AV Idols. He’s the one who defined the term for me, and he says that in Japan, they’re very popular. And they’re not looked down upon, like porn stars can be here in the US. Actor Pal also tells me the Yakuza (Japanese Mafia) runs all the porn in Japan, and the dudes in the Yakuza are all tatted up, but none of the dudes here in LA had any tats on them whatsoever. In fact, the local translator confirmed none of the Japanese guys here are Yakuza.

Japanese porn is kooky. With a K.

Noah, my editor, watches it a lot, and he showed me some. The best was a flick called “Sex Truck Fully Open” (this is a translation, of course) and it featured three AV Idols and three dudes driving around Tokyo in a large truck…the kind of truck you’d use to move a houseful of furninture. As they drove around the city, they’d do all sorts of naughty things in the truck, right in the middle of traffic. And every once in a while, they’d show some building, superimposed in the upper right corner of the screen.

The only thing we could think of is those were the buildings they were driving by as the did The Naughty.

Foreplay only while driving in the truck, and it went on for about 45 minutes — no exaggeration! Imagine shooting 45 minutes of foreplay in an American porno.

Did you know Japanese censorship laws call for pixilated penises and vaginas? No naughty bits for them to see! And we thought the Bush Administration was bad.

Suddenly, the truck pulled over in front of a public park, pulled up to the curb, and parked.

Parked truck meant the end of foreplay and the start of the sex.

And right when they were really getting down, the whole side of the truck would suddenly open! The truck was totally tricked out, so, with the push of a button, its side opened. And it opened without any warning whatsoever, so everyone doing the naughty were suddenly exposed to the folks who happened to be walking through the park!

Of course the camera would focus on the startled AV Idols, as well as the equally startled spectators. The AV Idols would sheepishly continue, and the people walking the park would do a variety of things: cover their eyes and leave; pretend they didn’t see what they saw and keep walking; watch with interest; watch with disbelief; and, invariably, the ones who covered their eyes and left would return later.

They opened and closed the door, totally at random, for the next half hour or so. Finally a large crowd formed around the truck, waiting anxiously for those doors to open.

And open they did.

They opened the doors one final time, and the dudes blew their loads on the AV Idols, and everyone clapped, and then the crowd was actually invited in to the truck, where they all got to meet the stars of the show! During the AV Idol clean-up time!!

Sex Truck Fully Open. Kooky…with a K.

Hina Ohtsuka is an AV Idol. There I am, underneath her, behaving like a perv. She sure is a tiny little thing! Hina’s here to do a gang bang scene, because, from what I understand, black dudes banging the AV Idols is getting popular in Japan. Go figure…it shouldn’t be too long before there’s an Asian version of Blacks On Blondes — I’m sure it already exists.

If it was my site, I’d call it Spooks on Gooks, just to piss everyone off.

This cat named Joe called and asked me to direct a scene for him. It was a boy/girl scene for one of his DVD lines, and he had a hockey game that night, so I told him sure, I’ll shoot the scene.

“It’s Evilyn Lin,” he said. “She’s super fucking hot.”

I knew who she was, and instead of having Joe pay me to shoot his scene, I told him I wanted to shoot her for Manojob, and he could just pay her, and I’d be happy to shoot both scenes. He agreed. He should have; it was a good deal for him.

When I got to set, there was Evilyn, and she was super sweet right from the get go, and next to her was this nerdy kind of guy that looked like a college kid majoring in something like engineering. He certainly didn’t look like a suticase pimp. Those types are usually middle-aged cops who retired early and have a thing for watching their girlfriends getting fucked on film by the kind of guys they used to beat up with a billy club.

Maybe Evilyn’s dude looked like an engineering major cause he is a college kid majoring in engineering.

And Evilyn’s a college girl, paying for her over-priced tuition by shooting on the weekends.

God Bless Porn.

I went over both scenes with Evilyn while she was in make-up, and I waited for the male talent to show up for the handjob shoot. Long story short, he flaked. So I spent the next half hour trying to find someone to get their dick jerked by Evilyn. I mean, really…you think something like that would be a cinch, right?

Wrong.

A big portion of the talent pool in LA — the male talent, I mean — are completely jaded and can’t get off from a simple handjob. Plus, why take a handjob scene when there’s fuck scenes out there? In addition to being able to fuck the girl, you get paid a whole lot more.

In other words, why get jerked and make $100 when you can do The Big Naughty and bank $400 or $500? And hit that pussy?

I was just about to give up, which was gonna kill me, cause…well. Just look at her! An Asian barely-legal in pigtails? In a pink bedroom full of stuffed animals? Licking on one of those over-sized lollipops you get at a corporate theme park?! I know my members would love that sort of shit. Hell, come to think about it…who doesn’t?

That’s when it dawned on me…ask the boyfriend to be male talent! And I did, and he said sure, and, in fact, he was excited cause he’d always wanted to be male talent, and no one was willing to give him a shot.

“Well, here’s your shot,” I said.

He took his shot, and he missed. Really, he stepped up to the plate and his gun wasn’t even really loaded.

Don’t blame him. It’s not like he’s impotent. Well, at least I’m pretty sure he’s not. You guys don’t believe me when I tell you this gig ain’t easy. Especially for guys. Shit, girls can fake it…and they do, in almost every single scene. As a dude, it’s very difficult to do anything sexy in front of strangers, especially when the spot light’s on you. And there’s no way to fake a boner — or a money shot. In addition, I had just sprung it on the poor guy; he had no time to mentally prep himself for the scene.

Evilyn looked at me, and I looked at Evilyn, and she said, “well, what are we gonna do?”

I looked at her boyfriend, and her boyfriend looked at me, and The Boyfriend said, “I know how to take pictures. I shoot stills for her site. We’re building it right now. I mean, if you can show me how to run your video camera, I can shoot you two.”

I looked at Evilyn, and Evilyn was looking for her panites, and I know she didn’t give a shit who she jerked…she just wanted the paycheck. And then I looked at her dude, and he looked at me, and I thought to myself this is got to be the weirdest shit I’ve ever done in my life and then I looked at Evilyn again, and she was pulling her panties back on, and that’s when I thought fuck it. I’m down.

I’m not male talent. Really, I’m not. I mean shit — look at my steamin’ 6 incher and you tell me…is that a porno dick?

¡No way José!

But it goes well with my super-tight six-pack of abs, and that beautiful set o’ pectorals I carry around my upper-body.

So here’s Evilyn Lin, standing right in front of me, and she’s a barely-legal Asian hottie (honestly, I’m not into Asians…I just felt the need to toss that adjective in), and I kinda laughed to myself thinking about it: her dude’s gonna film his chick jerking my dick. A total stranger.

Well, not a total stranger. I mean we’d known each other for 15 minutes. That counts as something, right? Plus, this is a job, and we’re gonna get the job done, damnit!

And get it done we did. The job, that is. Cause it’s not sex, no matter what you think. Besides, a handjob isn’t sex, right? And even if we fucked on camera, it’s work. That’s what’s so hard for people to realize. This is the sex business; it’s a business, and there’s sex involved, and since it’s “work”, it really isn’t sex, right?

Right.

And it’s certainly never love.