Tuesday Cartoon Madness
All posts by Billy Watson
They’re a Band, and They’re On The Run.
To The Fuck-Fucks Who Ripped Me Off: You Shall Be Caught. (For Lack of a Better Title).
I look at my bank e-mails closely to make sure there’s no funny business going on, and for the last 8 years I’ve committed sex acts to film for the world to enjoy, everything’s always been kosher. This has been a worry of mine, too, cause I’ve heard horror stories from other producers when it comes to check fraud, and I’ve always counted myself as lucky…until just the other day.
Two checks cleared my production account; one was $3675, and the other was $3550…neither of which I wrote. That didn’t stop the bank from making good on them, so all of a sudden I’m down $7225. The production account is nearly zeroed out, and the worst part of it all is this: of the $7225 stolen, almost none of it is really mine. In fact, the day before I just sent out a dozen or so checks in the mail — all to the talent I shot over the last 5 days.
The first thing I did was scream…almost as loud as I did a few months ago when I sharted all over myself.
Then I logged into my bank’s web site, doubled checked to see if what I saw was really true, and when my heart dropped all the way out of my chest like yours does when something really shitty happens, I screamed again.
Then, I looked at the pictures of the fraudulent checks. Both made out to the same person, who, I’m sure, didn’t actually cash them. I Googled her name, and guess what? She’s a model in Los Angeles, and the first link Google lists is her Model Mayhem account.
She’s not even a Porno Princess — not even close: Maxim, reality TV shows…Big Time shit. And her e-mail is listed in the Model Mayhem profile.
So I e-mailed her: My name is Billy Watson. I live in Los Angeles. I am a photographer.
Two days ago someone using your name cashed two checks totaling a little over $7000 from my checking account!
Now, either you’re the dumbest thief in the world (highly unlikely) or someone has either stolen your ID’s and did this, or stolen your whole identity to pull this off, and you may know your identity’s been stolen, or you may not.
Fun, huh?
Imagine my shock. When I saw the two checks were made out to you, the first thing I did was call my banker and let him know what was going on…and then I Googled your name. First link is your Model Mayhem page…with your e-mail address on it.
Just so you know, I’m not accusing you of this at all. I’m just trying to figure out what happened, and to let you know you might have had your ID’s stolen, or perhaps your identity…which we both know is NOT a fun thing to endure. And, like I said, you might not even know yet.
If you wanna get a hold of me, I can be reached at [no, you don’t get to see my phone number]. Or you can just e-mail me back.
Sorry I had to drop this bomb on you…but my feeling is it might end up helping you, especially if you’re unaware of this, which, I believe, is the case.
Less than 120 seconds later my phone rang. It was The Model. She was super friendly, and thankful I e-mailed her, cause — sure enough — she just had her driver’s license and her bank card stolen at a Hollywood Club.
The Model sounded hot as shit, too. Even hotter than the pics in her Model Mayhem profile. After about 10 minutes, she asked me who I shot for, and I straight up told her I’m a pornographer. She laughed about it, and we agreed to keep each others’ phone numbers and e-mails…just in case.
I went to the bank the Thursday to fill out all sorts of papers and have the bank interview me. I still have to go to the police station with copies of the checks, my credit report, and the bank statement showing the checks clearing. Then file a police report.
If I’m lucky, I’ll see the money back in 10 business days, although the lady at the bank said it could take up to 90 days.
I gave her a long stare and asked, “How am I gonna pay out the people I owe money? And make my payroll? So I can make my car payment?”
She shrugged her shoulders and said, “you could take out a personal loan.”
I didn’t say a word. I wanted to yell a whole bunch, but that’s the Old Billy. The New & Improved Billy Watson doesn’t fly off the handle so quickly.
I’m just hoping I’ll need to call to The Model again…just to make sure everything’s OK with her.
Three Small Clusterfucks of Late.
“Does he have a big dick?” I asked.
“It’s average, but he blows a big load!”
I’m all about the average-sized Stunt Cock blowing a bigger-than-average load; after all, in this biz, it’s all about The Money Shot…right? Besides, since potential Stunt Cock’s ween is average, which means a lot of my members will be able to relate, which means they’ll enjoy the content more.
So I gave the dude a shot.
When my members asked for Dianna Prince, I teamed her up with The New Stunt Cock, and when he pulled his wee wee out, I was pissed.
I was pissed at Porno Princess for lying about the size of her boyfriend’s package, but I was more pissed at myself for not asking to see it first.
I thought, just for a moment, to cancel the scene…but I decided to give Dude a shot. Who knows? Maybe I’d stumble upon a fetish: are there people who like to watch Small-Cock Porn?
The short answer is no, there’s not a lot of folks out there looking to watch Pee Pee Porn, and his load wasn’t all that great either…and it took Dude about 30 minutes of furious beating before he unloaded.
Clusterfuck #2) This is why I had an abortion!!: I book at Coog/MILF Porno Princess to appear in an upcoming Watching My Mom Go Black scene. You’re familiar with that site, right? You know…the one where a trouble-making Son gets in big trouble with a Black Thug, and Mom comes to Son’s rescue. Uh huh. That one. It’s all about “tough love” as Mom bangs Black Thug while forcing Son to witness the whole spectacle: “I’m doing this honey for your own good! You won’t mess up after this, will you?”
“No Mom! Please stop!”
You know the rest.
Anyway, we start shooting stills and my male talent — Rico Strong — pulls his dick out. Now, in Porno Land, standard protocol is to give a helping hand to a Stunt Cock to get the ball rolling…so to speak. Some call it “fluffing” and some don’t. I call it “polite courtesy” but never required.
The Mom I hired is not thrilled at all to help Mr. Strong out, and that’s cool. Mr. Strong knows these types, as do I; what I wasn’t counting on was Mom’s statement just 2 minutes into Mr. Strong working himself up: She looked up at Rico, made a face akin to someone after they lick a dog turd, and said, “This is why I had an abortion.”
I looked at Rico.
Rico looked at me.
The “Son” we hired looked at both of us.
Mom looked at Rico and said it again. Then, she jumped off the bed and starting saying — very loudly — “he can’t get his dick hard! He can’t get his dick hard!” Then she got on the phone and said it again…to who?
I have no idea.
Do I need to tell you I killed the scene?
How about this one: I kill the scene and Mom looks at me and wants to know how much her kill fee is gonna be.
I ask Mom very nicely to pack her bags and haul ass. And on the way out she says to me, “I need to have a Japanese baby.”
If you think I make this shit up, you need to have a Japanese baby.
Clusterfuck #3) Can anyone please find me a sistah?: I’m all out of black chicks to shoot for Gloryhole-Initiations and Cumbang. I mean it…literally. In three or four years and hundreds of scenes, I’m all out of new sistahs to shoot. And with the downturn in Porn Valley work, there’s not a lot of new black girls popping up at any of the agent’s sites.
What to do but re-shoot some of the hotter ones who are still around?
I booked one I haven’t shot in quite sometime. The problem is, she won’t do it for the rate we’ve been paying all the girls — black or white — cause, (and I’ll use her words), “I’m one of the hottest black girls around.”
So the agent dreams up a scheme: “Pay her your normal rate, Billy, and add my agent fee on top of that, and we’ll tell her that’s the pay. But, send the check to me, cause she owes me money anyway.”
I’m not a fan of such Tom Foolery, but I reluctantly agree. I need content, after all.
Shoot day comes…and she no-shows.
I don’t care what you’re doing to make your money, getting work in this economy is tough. But you already know this. So I lose money the day I’m supposed to shoot One of The Hottest Black Girls, and my quest still remains: are there any black girls who wanna take a trip to The Hole?
Lexi Bloom.
iPhones and Blackberrys and Androids…oh my!
Let’s Talk About Riley Mason!
For a minute and a half, Riley Mason was the shit in Porn Valley. Her fan base was fairly diverse, but the “Indie Rock Dudes” nationwide took a particular liking to her…as did I. In a nutshell, anything “indie” (music, art, film) means it just hasn’t reached the masses yet. Anyone “Indie” means they stumbled upon it before you did, which, of course, makes them cooler than you.
Riley was Pure Indie, and one of the first Indie Chicks to start fucking and sucking on camera for the world to see. This drove the Indie Dudes mad, and I mean literally mad. They loved to beat off to her, and once they blew their load, they loved to shit talk her. I’ve come to discover it’s a pretty common guilt complex. Anyway, a lot of them frequented a chat board called “Hipinion“, and it’s still around, although I have no idea how relevant it is anymore. But these Indie Dudes would just rail on poor Riley, and do stupid things like post her real name, and her computer chat names, and then harass her endlessly. I jumped in to the drama a bit, and then came after me, too, proposing a variety of ill wills pointed my way. Must be nice when you have that much time on your hands. But what do you expect from a bunch of “pasty losers and alcoholics”? (Note: Urban Dictionary’s words…not mine).
Rereading this brings back all those memories, plus more, cause I mention Chico Wang here, and as you probably know he was found dead a few years ago in a cheap motel in Northern California after some particular gnarly nastiness.
Ah — those wanton days of yesteryear!
This blog’s original air date: February 11, 2006.
So I’m at Chico Wang’s, cause I booked Riley for my site — the world’s greatest hand job site — Mano Job! I’m at Chico’s shooting cause…well, I kinda like it over there. It’s dirty and depraved, just like a true Porno House in Porn Valley is supposed to be. I booked Riley Mason again cause I love her looks, and I think she’s one of the hottest girls in the game right now, and she’s a pleasure to be around.
Right before we started rolling film, we sat down for a brief chat. An impromptu interview, so to speak. It got very intense at times. I listened carefully as Riley explained some of the things going on in her life right now. I didn’t have a pen and paper, and my memory is weak, so I won’t quote her here…but these are some of the topics we touched upon:
1) The Indie Rock Dudes who constantly harass her online.
2) The “fat pic” roaming around the internet that’s supposedly her.
3) A general overview of her life in porn.
I tried to explain to Riley that indie rock dudes, as a whole, are a nutty bunch. They’re very repressed individuals, usually, that don’t get laid too much, and when they do, it’s fodder for the next 10 years of their life. Like…they’ll be at a Death Cab For Cutie show bragging about the girl they banged in 92, right after the Superchunk show. That sort of thing.
Then Riley brought up the published chat logs, most of which are fabricated, at least in part. Some of the things in these chat logs she really did type out, but most of it she didn’t.
“That’s cause they like you a whole lot, Riley. And besides, I’ve read some of those chats, and I think it’s pretty obvious when it’s you and when it’s not.”
She said that was a weird way of showing affection.
“I know Riley, but remember, this is a weird bunch of guys. They seldom talk to girls, unless they’re clerking in the used record store they work at…a job that usually pays them minimum wage; a job that’s very important to them and makes them cool people. It’s also the only time girls approach them – generally. That or when they’re at the Indie Club listening to Indy Rock and the girl spent her last sawski and only then she might approach Dude and ask him to buy her a beer. That’s about it, really.”
She’s bummed though. When they discovered her screen name, they published it all over the net, then hit her up for chat all the time, then made up some chat and turned it into her words, and then found this pic of a fat girl that somewhat resembles her, and spread that all over the place saying it was her, and on and on.
“That’s cause they like you a whole lot, Riley. And they have a whole lot of time on their hands.”
We kinda left it at that. But overall, Riley Mason likes her life in porn right now. She’s having a fun time and making good money, and life’s generally very good for her. At least that’s what it seems like to me.
Too bad the same thing can’t be said for all those Indie Rock Dudes.
And The Bears Debate.
Super fun e-Mails: What is it about The Porn Surfer and Super Huge Ween?
I’ve been reader of your blog for nearly a year, but due to my computer illiteracy was unable to post a comment on your blog. I even signed up for wordpress, and tried to make a comment…but all for naught.
I was surfing wikipedia the other day, and looked up “O.G. Mudbone”. Although he didn’t have a page, it listed him as deceased: (1980-2009). I’m well aware of wikipedia’s frequent vandalism and inaccuracies, but am still intrigued. I was wondering if there was any truth to his death, if you have ever worked with Mr. Mudbone and that artificial penis he wields, or had any interesting stories about him.
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I have no idea who O.G. Mudbone is. I know nothing about the “artificial penis” he wields (your words). I have no idea if he’s alive — or dead. I also don’t know about the surfers who buy into this stuff, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned now that I’ve been Porno for 8 years, it’s that there’s an audience for just about everything.
I do know all of the black cocks I hire for the world famous Blacks on Blondes are real. Every single one of them. I’ve captured some enormous ones, too. In fact, most of them are quite impressive.
I often wonder, though, about the surfer who comments on the cock…even more than the pussy. What’s up with that?
Bisexuality.
I once asked Über-Whore Ava Devine what the most requested, most secretive thing her Tricks ask of her. If you don’t already know, Ava Devine might be Queen of the Whores, and she’d be the first to take that as a compliment. I bet she’s turned thousands of tricks, and when you talk to her about them, she remembers a lot.
“Oh that’s easy!” Ava exclaimed. “A lot of men want to be cock suckers!”
Note the emphasis on a lot.
Note the Ü (U-umlaut) I used for “Über-Whore”.
From Wikipedia: “Letter Ü: The letter Ü occurs in the Hungarian, Karelian, Turkish, Uyghur latin Script, Estonian, Azeri, Turkmen, Crimean Tatar and Tatar Latin alphabets, where it represents a close front rounded vowel ([y]). It is a distinct letter, collated separately, and not considered a simple modification of [u] or [i]. It is distinct from “UE”.”
And, in case you didn’t know, “Über (sometimes spelled ueber, uber, the former being a correct form in German just like über) comes from the German language. It is a cognate of both Latin super and Greek ὑπέρ (hyper), as well as English over and above. It is also sometimes used as a hyphenated prefix in informal English, usually for emphasis. Both uses indicate a state or action involving increased elevation or quantity in the physical sense, or superiority or excess in the abstract.”
Ava Devine is, in fact, a whore of increased elevation or quantity in the physical sense, as well as a whore of superiority or excess in the abstract. Over and above the rest.
How ’bout them apples?
Back to your desire to suck cock.
Admit it. It’s ok. Secretly, deep in your subconscious mind, you want to drop to your knees, JMC, and open your mouth wide for O.G. Mudbone’s huge black cock…and when you heard of his passing, it made you so sad you felt the need to e-mail me and ask about any interesting stories featuring your favorite black cock. Right?
Let me reiterate: it’s OK to suck cock if you’re a dude. Really, it is. Sure, it’s a “gay” activity, but you’re only gay if you’re waking up next to the dude you call a “life partner”, right?
Did I ever tell you Barb Cummings stuck her finger up my butt?
Did I ever tell you Barb Cummings isn’t Barbie Cummings anymore cause a corporation that makes toys didn’t think it was in their best interest to allow Barb Cummings to be Barbie Cummings?
Anyway, for about a second and a half Barb and I were “close”, and one night she felt the need to invade my colon with her middle finger. To which I squealed like a little girl. And then, like a little girl, I spread my legs open so she could have her way with me. At first I felt a traumatic experience about to occur…but then, I noticed something.
Something I didn’t think I’d ever admit to admitting.
I liked it.
As Barb moved her finger around in my rectum and sucked my balls, it felt truly amazing.
No Way Am I Gay!
I blew a load quick…but looking down after I blew, I realized I didn’t even blow. It just felt like I did. Suddenly, I blew again…and again. But I didn’t really blow! And then, when I blew for real, I was Peter North!
So, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say unless you wake up next to your “partner”, you’re not really gay, even though you might do some sexy thangs that might be considered gay…like saying “thang” instead of “thing”.
No, wait. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say unless you make out with a dude, which, by my definition means french kissing a dude, you’re not really gay, even though you might do some sexy thangs that might be considered gay.
Here’s one last fun fact I’m gonna toss your way, just for fun: 90% of the dudes in Porn Valley are bisexual. Not gay. Just bi. In fact, I’d be willing to go far out on a limb and say over half the dudes walking the Earth are, at the very least, bi.
Except me.
No Way.
The Girl in a Panda Mask
