My Favorite Things of 2007.

Adrianna Nicole

Adrianna Nicole: We are both employed by the sex industry. We both like anything and everything offensive…and the more offensive it is, the more we laugh. We have our coffee at 8 am. We both have dogs. I have a bed. Adrianna does not. We send poo pictures back and forth to each other (but only the really good ones). Sometimes we eat dinner together and sometimes we go to the movies together and we really don’t go to Pinkberry anymore…but we used to. We’re strictly platonic. She doesn’t like the beginning of this video. I do. She’s been nominated for an AVN this year in the “Unsung Starlet of the Year” award, and she should win. I’ll probably never get nominated for an AVN, and I don’t give a fuck.

Manojob and The Dick Suckers and Chelci Fox and No Way Am I Gay: My dirty websites rule your filthy, dirty erotic world. If you don’t realize that yet, go see for yourself. And if you’re a cheap bastard, here’s our YouTube videos.

Johnny Fender: He’s male talent, and he’s fucking good. He never double books himself, which means he always blows a big load; he’s very conscientious for his female coworker, so he’s always got a copy of his STD test, he showers before he works, so his balls and his butt doesn’t smell like a deer in heat, and if I book him for Eat Some Ass, he’ll NAIR his butthole and crack so the whore doesn’t get pubes in her mouth; he shows up on time; and he’s a fucking great carpenter, so when he’s not nailing chicks, he might be nailing boards and building my sets.

Doron Pepperscone and Gia Paloma: my PA and make-up artist, and they’re the best PA and the best make-up artist working in adult right now. I’m not just saying that. And if it wasn’t for them, I couldn’t do the things I do…which, at any given moment, could be anything from filming interracial sex acts to men masturbating themselves and crying out NO WAY AM I GAY!

Kenny versus Spenny: Today’s greatest lesson on morality and ethics comes from Comedy Central. Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice are best friends who like to compete against one another in many different arenas. They are roommates. They live in Canada. Kenny has a website. Spenny doesn’t. Kenny and Spenny take their competitions very serious, and whilst on the battlefield, they are enemies. Kenny is evil. Spenny is good. Kenny cheats. Spenny plays by the rules. Kenny has no morals. Spenny’s morals and ethics precede him. Kenny thinks he’s faster, better, and smarter than Spenny. Spenny is a hard worker — and, in fact, he works much harder than Kenny — and he likes to show the world that hard, honest work pays off in the end. Kenny thinks hard work is dumb work. Spenny consults experts in the fields of their competitions. Kenny doesn’t. Who do you think wins more? And if you’re wondering what kind of competitions they have, “First Guy to Get a Boner Loses” might be the greatest skit ever recorded for commercial television.

The Criterion Collection: Calling themselves “a continuing series of important classic and contemporary films on DVD”, The Criterion Collection consists of (as of this writing) 426 art house (and a few commercial) flicks that you’ve probably never heard of. I recently watched “Two-Lane Blacktop” (imagine Samuel Beckett in 1970 writing a movie about muscle cars), “Equinox” (a special effects horror flick circa 1967) and “The Two Of Us” (the Odd Couple meets…um, I dunno. Maybe just describe it as The Odd Couple if it was shot in France during The Occupation.) I loved “Two-Lane Blacktop”; “Equinox” was downright silly; “The Two of Us” was as mediocre as any movie Sean Penn has starred in or made, except maybe “Fast Times At Ridgemont High”.

Cormac McCarthy: I first heard of McCarthy in 1991 when this dude told me McCarthy’s writing can “out Faulkner Faulkner”. I ran out and read Children of God in which a dude likes to bang dead people. Then I kinda read Outer Dark, in which a dude likes to bang watermelons…but I couldn’t finish it cause I lost interest. Then I kinda read Blood Meridian, but I couldn’t finish that cause it gave me nightmares. In 1992 I ran out and bought and read All The Pretty Horses. Then, he wrote a play I didn’t read, and some more books I didn’t read, and then I kinda lost interest in McCarthy altogether. Now, the Cohen Brothers made me like Cormac McCarthy all over again. You know what that means…time to tackle Outer Dark and Blood Meridian again…once I finish No Country For Old Men.

No Country For Old Men: Since I’m all ga-ga for Cormac, I’ll go ahead and use this as a segue into my very favorite movie of the year (barely beating out Superbad), as well as my very favorite movie villain ever — Anton Chigurh. Chigurh is the baddest motherfucker of all time, and if you name anyone in movie history, and that character got into a fight with Anton Chigurh, well…Chigurh would win. This includes Rambo, Jason, Shaft, Freddy Krueger, Hulk Hogan, Mr. T., any one from Goodfellas or The Godfather or The Sopranos, James Bond, and / or any character ever played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson, or Steven Segal. Please also include Jan Claude Van Damme, The Hulk, The Thing, Silver Surfer, and The XMen.

You get the point.

Psychon Invaders: My director friend Jeff Leroy made a micro-budget sci-fi thriller, and I’ll go ahead and include it here cause if you watch it closely, you’ll catch my acting debut, even if it’s only three seconds long.

Breakfast for Dinner: I can’t think of anything better after a long day of shootin’ smut than a couple eggs over easy, a slab of breakfast meat, hash browns and a cup o’ java. It was a close call between this and Sonic Drive-Thru’s #3 Coney Chili Dog meal with tots, but hey…in my world, nothing beats breakfast for dinner. Not even the tots.

Wilco: At first I was just going to include Nels Cline, hands-down the greatest living guitarist as of right now, but how could I overlook Tweedy? Tweedy and Nels is like Fish n’ Chips, Suds n’ Duds, Shake n’ Bake, and Ike n’ Tina.

Well, maybe not Ike n’ Tina.

And before you fuck with me about Nels Cline, and e-mail to remind me about Eddie Van Halen, or Joe Satriani, or Jimmy Page, or Slash, or Yngwie Malmsteen, or Kirk Hammett, or Eric Clapton or Steve Vai or Zakk Wylde or Joe Perry or Brian Setzer or anyone else, just understand and realize that I’m right, and you’re wrong.

My little brother just reminded me of Jack White, which is where I’ll bite my lip and (perhaps) agree. But I’ll never admit it.

Wilco’s soon playing 5 shows in Chicago, right in a row! And they’re covering every single song they’ve ever committed to wax, and no set this February will be like the night before, and there’s still 5 day passes on eBay, but I refuse to go because it’s Chicago in February, and even my Gay Love for Nels and Tweedy shall be superseded by avoiding a winter day in Chicago…let alone 5 of them in a row. Which is to say I’ll wait for the DVD box set and stay warm in Arizona. Or California. Or wherever it is I am come February.

Patton Oswalt: He might look like a gnome, but looks aren’t everything, right? And fuck this guy makes me laugh so hard I’ve just about sharted myself…on more than one occasion.

The McIntosh MC-40: The folks at McIntosh will tell ya: “A laboratory is not a factory; it is a place where people search for ways to improve the quality of life, where things are designed and built to an ever-higher standard, instead of a price. By design… there is nothing like a McIntosh.” I’ll go that far, cause damn…these babies sound amazing. They were made from 1962 till ’69, and if you got them new it woulda set you back $159. I scored mine off eBay recently, had having them professionally restored cost more now than they did new in the store 40 years ago. And now my front room sounds more like a concert hall than a room where I play my stereo.

When my MC-40’s are playing whatever it is I happen to be listening to, my quality of life can’t be beat at that moment in time, so I guess the folks at McIntosh got it right.

Adrianna Nicole

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