Today’s Guest Blogger: “Babs Johnson” on Takin’ It Up The Shit Pipe.

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From time to time I have guests blog whatever it is they feel like blogging. I will not tell them what to blog; I won’t edit it; I won’t influence the Guest Blogger in any way.

“Babs Johnson” is the nom de plume of an Ex-Porno Princess…and I’ll leave it at that. No need to know her old stage name, as it won’t add anything more to her entry. I do keep in touch with some of the girls I’ve shot in the past, and it’s always interesting to watch their lives progress post porno. It’s definitely a blog entry in of itself. I asked Babs to blog about being a post sex worker, but instead I got something stinky and shitty and super fun.

Whenever I ask a current Porno Princess why she doesn’t do anal, the automatic reply is, “cause it hurts!” or “that’s an exit-only hole!” But the truth is shit happens (literally), and girls are petrified of poo-poo, as is most everyone…except the folks who are super into anal. I’ll grill the Porno Princess who won’t do anal, and sure enough…after a couple of minutes, almost every single one admits they don’t do anal cause they’re afraid they’re gonna shit all over the hired Stunt Cock.

I’ll shut my mouth now.

By Babs Johnson

When pondering the in’s and out’s of anal sex, one wonder’s to himself, “How shitty will things get?” They can get real shitty, my friend. Real. Shitty.

Once upon about four years ago, I was self-employed as a sex worker. I performed in clubs under various, awesomely bad names such as “Felony”, “Domino”, “Margot Tenenbaum”, and the most notorious of all, “Mustang Sally”. It wasn’t long until I traveled West and found some fortune in the World of Pornography. Oh, it was quite glorious. A lovely income, parties, interesting people, and a steady diet of Nothing (with a cigarette chaser). I saw me as quite the svelte and silly young thing. Ah…good times. Now, on to the Shit-Chat.

As an actively employed young porn starlet, you are expected to perform anal sex pretty much from the get go. Unless you look like Heidi Klum, in which case you could have earned a comfortable living performing in girl/girl, sissy-shit porno.

When I was a performer, I prepared for an anal sex scene one day in advance. I would eat very little the day before and use an enema before bed, ate nothing the day of the shoot and did an enema before the shoot. I always used warm water, never the prepared fluid. I would take two Imodium AD the morning of the shoot. I did this routine at least twice a week for two years. Sound shitty? Yeah, it could be. However, it was nothing compared to having a complete anal meltdown in the middle of shooting an anal sex scene at work.

One of my very first anal sex scenes was for a big, well-established Beverly Hills publications company. The company seemed to be on top of things on their end, but the director had it out for me from the get-go. He told me I was too fat. He didn’t like my hair. He didn’t like me, and that was that. But, he was also a complete maniac to the ten crew members and two male performers on set. He screamed and yelled about our terrible acting all morning until it was time to shoot the anal. Remember that complete anal meltdown I told you about? Well, here it is.

It was a shit-tacular. A festival of shit. A shit-posium. A shit-phony.

The director had a shit-fit.

I had not yet developed the fail-proof “pre-anal sex plan” of Solid B-Level Porn Actor Me. It was really bad.

The shit-phony caused about a two-hour cleanup delay. I spent that time being screamed at by both my agent on the phone, and the maniac director. He kept screaming at me “VIE DON’T YOU JUST GO EAT ZEE SHIIT! YOU ARE SHIITING ALL OVER MY SET, FUCK YOU STUPID AMERICAN COW! GO CRY! I WANT TO SEE YOU CRY LITTLE PIGGY!”

I was pretty sure I’d be blamed if that breathing sack of excrement went missing, so I let his eruption of mouth diarrhea slide.

Are you loving the shit references? I sure am.

Anyhow, in case you were wondering…anal sex can get shitty (but it’s dirty and fun anyhow, so just put it in already!)

Love to you All,
Auntie Babs

3 thoughts on “Today’s Guest Blogger: “Babs Johnson” on Takin’ It Up The Shit Pipe.”

  1. On another note – I can’t believe how American girls are so fussy when it comes to their butt holes. I bet the Europeans do anal and a2m without even having an enema first.

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