I mean…really? Really. Do people really think like this anymore? Of course they do! And their dopey e-mails always make for a fun read. The best part, of course, is that the racist bigot e-mails almost always originate from the members’ area at Blacks on Blondes. I also enjoy how they think the guys behind the camera are either black…or Jewish.
2. Kuma’s Korner, 2900 W. Belmont Ave., Chicago: Imagine walking into a hamburger joint with Death Metal blasting at an almost uncomfortable volume level. The waitresses all looked like they just wrapped a Suicide Girls shoot. There’s senior citizens sitting next to Yuppies sitting next to dudes who might actually be in Mastodon. Once you open the menu, it’s a tough time choosing between “The Plague Bringer” or “Insect Warfare” or “The Goblin’s Cock” (the only hot dog on the menu, and it’s super huge). I went with The Famous Kuma Burger, just cause it looked like if I could actually finish it, I might die soon after of coronary failure. Of course I finished it, cause it might have been the best thing I ever stuck in my mouth.
3. Reckless Records: I went to the one on Milwaukee Ave, and it was there I scored the 10″ EP “All Over The Place” by my beloved Wilco. It’s so rare I didn’t even know it existed…but that’s not saying much, really. I had to pay up for it, too. Which means I’m still gay for them. Gayer than ever.
4. The Dirty Show: The Dirty Show is an “International Exhibition of Erotic Art”. I caught it last weekend while I was in Chicago. Anytime art gets labeled it kinda makes me nervous, and sure enough, most of the “Erotic Art” was kinda lame. If a painting of a penis with a butterfly landing on its head is executed right, it’s art. Not just “erotic art”. Right? Most of the time, “erotic art” should just be labeled ‘bad art” — unless it’s Eric Kroll or Steve Diet Goedde.
5. The City of Chicago: While I’m at it, let me make a big Shout Out to my old home town. When I left in 1975, driving through the city was always an interesting experience…mostly cause you had to zig zag through the bad spots. No, the brutal spots, which were a plenty. It wasn’t even about driving through with the windows rolled up and the doors locked; you seriously took your own life in your hands if you wandered around…which, in 2010, is no longer. Just lots of white girls in short, short skirts, riding their bike to a trendy coffee shop. Just 15 years ago, in that same place, they would have been slaughtered. After they were raped. And no one woulda said a word about it. Say what you will about Mayor Daley, but he set the city free. Just don’t wander around the suburbs, like where I grew up.
6. American Pickers: If I ever stop making dirty movies, I think I’ll be a picker. It’s the collector in me. I think I have a pretty good eye, too, so I might be able to pull it off. The only thing better than a good score (my last was a pile of vintage movie posters including Barbarella, The Kansas City Bombers, and Billy Jack) is selling the stuff. Anyways, “American Pickers” features two geeks who drive all over the place buying shit from kooky hoarders. The hoarders are the stars of the show, of course. But the best part is how the geeks always play the good guy role, and never underpay for stuff, and never sell it for a huge profit, and always tell the hoarders if their shit is really valuable, so an “expert” can be called in to help them put their discarded stuff in better hands. I like this show way better than the pawn shop show, only cause those two fatsos — Chumley and the other dope — bug me even more than the Old Man and his balding son.
7. Ty Segall: My Little Bro often recommends new music to me, and I immediately dismiss him, cause, after all, he’s my little bro, and he’s younger than me — and what do younger siblings really know? Actually he knows a lot — especially when it comes to new music — but I’ll never admit that to him. (I was gonna make mention of Sleigh Bells, but I’m not sure if I love them…or hate them.)
8. My Blog: Sure, I don’t update it nearly enough, and I’m feeling (as always) like a broken record. But I still like doing it…whenever there’s something to say.
9. My New Bi-Focals: Cause, after all, ain’t getting older a heap o’ fun?
10. Ivy Winters: Ivy Winters is a somewhat-newbie Porno Princess that makes my wee-wee get really hard. So hard, in fact, that when my pal Nicky Milo called me up and asked, “Hey Billy! Whacha doin’ tomorrow? I gotta shoot a gang bang!! I need to borrow your camera, and do you wanna join in? Cause I can only find 5 guys and I need 6!” Of course I said no, cause I’m not male talent. I’m certainly not a mope. Then he said, “Are you sure? It’s Ivy Winters!” I asked if I had to show my face. This is, of course, a sign of weakening, and Nicky knew that. He said yes. I asked if I was gonna get paid. (More weakness). He said yes. I’m not male talent, I repeated…and then took the job. Cause it’s Ivy Winters. Cause I’m a mope…and there’s something terribly wrong with me.