My Dinner With Fionna Cheeks

Fionna Cheeks

I was on the phone with Jimmy H. yesterday, and he was complaining about a porn girl…again. All of the cameramen complain about them – including me.

Turns out The Porno Whore Jimmy H. took out to dinner after their shoot ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, had the table manners of a Neanderthal, then topped it off with expensive drinks and two deserts, which she ate with her hands.

“And why would any of this surprise you?” I asked him. “She ordered the most expensive thing on the menu simply because she could…and she drank like a fish cause they’re all alcoholics…and she ate the steak & lobster and the deserts with her hands cause she didn’t have someone growing up to show her how to act like a lady.”

Jimmy H. groaned some more.

“Dude, if I held my knife or fork incorrectly while cutting my steak, my dad knocked the shit out of me right there at the table. Do you think she even had a dad?”

“What’s worse,” Jimmy retorted. “Having a dad who knocked you around cause you didn’t hold your fork right…or having no dad at all.”

“The latter, of course.”

Why all this talk about proper manners at the dinner table?

Why all the talk about dads?

I’ll admit I digressed on the dad thing, but I have to tell you about the time we were living in Dogfart’s Secret Mansion a few years ago, and after shooting Fionna Cheeks – once for Blacks on Blondes, as well as taking her to the secret gloryhole – we took her out to dinner. It was such a blast! The whole crew was there: Dogfart, myself, S.S., Justin Timberlakefeelsyourpain, Fionna, The Producer, and even Spring Thomas! Talk about a crew!!

I’ll get to the point: someone dared Fionna to blow the waiter. In the middle of the restaurant. And she took the dare, and it went down.

Well, that’s kinda stretching the truth, only cause were weren’t sitting in the middle of the restaurant. We were huddled over in a far corner, and not everyone in the place could see us. But some could. And Fionna took the dare, and the waiter came over, and he was a young dude – the struggling actor type – and we told him about The Dare, and he looked at us in disbelief, and he looked at Fionna, who was, by now, unzipping his fly, and sure enough…you guessed it.

The waiter was getting blown. In the restaurant. Right in front of the place. A picture actually exists. I think Spring still has it. I wish I did. I know I had it for a while – stuck to my refrigerator with a magnet.

And to think a porn whore eating Surf & Turf with her hands was bad behavior.

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