Just Do It.

Did anyone catch the name of the Porno Princess Tiger allegedly banged?

Is it OK for me to rant? Cause at first I was gonna make this a lazy post and just post the picture. Then I realized I still haven’t heard who the Porno Princess was he banged…and then, even thought I wasn’t gonna do it, I wanted to write.

How the fuck does anyone expect a decent looking dude under the age of 50 with any sort of considerable net worth to stay monogamous?

How the fuck does anyone expect a dude under the age of 50 to stay monogamous?

Come on, bro. Just admit it. You’ve cheated. And you’ve done it as much as you thought you could get away with…and then some. Doesn’t matter if you’re married or single; doesn’t matter if you’ve got kids or not. You took silly risks and jeopardized your relationship just for the pussy.

I once asked Byron Long — who’s been in porno since ’92 — “who’s got the best pussy you’ve ever banged?”

All sorts of girls’ names were flashing through my head. His reply wasn’t, but after he answered, I thought to myself of course.

“The best pussy I ever fucked was the one I was just about to fuck for the first time.”

It’s not even limited to real-life experience. Look at my business. Why do you think I gotta churn out scene after scene after scene? Shit, when I beat to porn 99% of what I whacked to was over the second it made me cum. That’s why I never bought porn; I was a perpetual renter.

I blame God. He created part of the male brain to spread its seed at any costs…and up to about 1900 that made a lot of sense. Seriously, it’s in our DNA. Wired. Hard coded like a motherfucker. Now, combo that with our insecurity, our ego, and that feeling of conquest, and it’s over.

I ain’t even gonna blame women one bit — even though it’s easy to do. And trust me, it doesn’t take them long to be over the dick. Why do you think they’re bugging you to knock them up? I blame God.

Once upon a time I was a jock. Pretty good one, too. Paid for a lot of things. During Jockdom, I used to shoot testosterone right into my butt. Like a junkie. (Although junkies don’t shoot in their butts). This is when I was in my early 20’s. Like I didn’t have enough already. Anyways, I’d wake up at 3 am with a boner that hurt. No exaggeration. My dick was so hard I thought it was gonna explode. This was after I banged my chick and beat off a few times.

Hormones are powerful things.

I tried this defense when a buddy of mine got caught, and his wife was grilling me. She was in tears. “Billy! How could you not tell me? And how could he want to cheat on me?!”

“Um, listen Nancy. It’s like this. He doesn’t love that woman. Really, he doesn’t. His hormones took over. He couldn’t control himself.”

She screamed something hysterically like “YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!” and slammed the phone against the wall.

They can be a Super Bitch every month, throw tantrums, then drive their kids into a lake, but the hormone defense doesn’t work for us.

Which reminds me…have I ever told you how many of my “normal” friends call me up looking for a hook-up? Let’s take a second and define normal: they’re married, mostly with kids; they’ve got a good job; they love their wives; they love their kids more; they haven’t gotten a blow job since 2005.

It goes something like this: “Yo Billy! My man! How’s life? (Insert 10 minutes of banter (the weather, the state of our economy, and then our specific business)). Hey man, are those girls you film really crazy or what?”

“Yes. Some of them are.”

“Do they do stuff without a camera running?”

“Yes. Some do.”

“Does (insert their favorite Porno Princess here)”?

“I don’t know. I really never asked. But I can find out.”

They usually ask how much…and it just goes from there.

Did I ever tell you about my actor pal who became my “pal” for the same reason? He wanted to fuck Porno Princesses, and he actually got pissed that someone like him had to pay for their services. It makes me laugh every time I tell someone.

Even if their better half is putting out, dudes are still jonesing for something new. Even the few who don’t get any on the side. And that’s why porn is great. I’m saving marriages, one scene at a time. This is the one thing no one really wants to talk about.

You know I’m right, too. You’re just not sure who you want to admit it to.

So, grab a pen and a piece of paper, cause your very favorite pornographer is about to give you a lesson on Morality: next time you feel the urge, just join a porn site. If that doesn’t work, then do this: when you’re caught, tell the truth.

Ask to be forgiven.

And, in the middle of defending yourself, point your finger up to the sky.

17 thoughts on “Just Do It.”

  1. Q: What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

    A: Santa Claus stops at three “ho’s”.

  2. Never cheated on my wife and we met when I was 18 and in college, and I’m a normal guy. I want to fuck just about everything that bends at the waist and has holes and tits, I just don’t chase it. I fully credit porn for this situation because I’ve beat off every day of my life whether I was getting any or not. Masturbation saves marriages.

    So thank you Mr. Porno man; my wife thanks you too!

  3. The Porno Princess in question is Holly Sampson. Joslyn James is also said to have been one of his ho’s.

  4. He banged Holly Sampson at his bachelor party allegedly. If you don’t love your wife enough to be monogamous don’t get married. It’s simple really; realize that love means “I don’t want to intentionally hurt my true love” and that restraint is your way of honoring your love for her in a real everyday way. I’ve never been married but I’ve fucked married woman and I feel bad about it. I cant imagine having to see that persons face everyday that I wronged.

  5. Yup, porn is an inferior substitute for sex for when your girlfriend is not around.

    I’ve yet to cheat on any girl, even though there were a couple chances. I don’t think I ever will.

    As far as monogamy is concerned, there’s advantages and drawbacks to everything. It’s not like everything about relationships sucks.

  6. Fantastic post. I”m recentely divorced, early 40s and have been learning/practicing “Game” tactics for the last several months. I’ve banged a few chicks, gotten better and better at Game, and now think there’s no fucking way I’ll ever get married again.

    The other night I picked up a girl who is 17 years younger than me! WTF was Tiger thinking getting married in the first place?

  7. If you don’t love your wife enough to be monogamous don’t get married.”

    Wow, what wisdom from a noble gentleman who’s never been married and who “could never look in the face of someone he’s wronged” but has no problem balling others’ wives. Get out of here with that shit–love and marriage are far too incredibly complex to be making absolute statements like this.

  8. Tiger Woods was always an “uncle Tom” Nigger, it’s really that simple, I’d compare him to OJ Simpson but Tiger isn’t a murder yet.. but maybe one day when his age catches up to him and he’s no longer the attention whore he loves being and the women say NO.. Tiger just might try and get them golf gloves out..

    Tiger gained fame chasing a little white ball around on sundays with masses of white people cheering him on and later he’d run off and chase even more white things.. just only this time it was was “white girls”

    Tiger paying $60,000K for some pussy should tell you something.. he’s not a “celebrity” and must have a small dick.. noway in hell a real nigger like Rick James pays for any pussy and i bet most of Tigers friends are all insecure little white boys

    how lame

  9. Billy is 99% right. There are some dudes who haven’t been placed in that uncomfortable place of married / not getting any (or enough) AND/OR have a holier-than-thou attitude.

    Yeah, I have been unfaithful and I’m not proud of it. If my wife gave me just a fraction of the sex that I want, I would be able to resist temptation. That said, as a 41 yr old guy who has a 19 yr old girlfriend (among other ho’s) on the side….it’s awesome. The 19 yr old appreciates the pussy munching, fucking, lots of foreplay and a guy who spoils her with gifts. The wife appreciates me not bugging her for sex all the time. Would she be happy if she found out about the 19 yr old. Hell no. Then again, she’s fucking stupid to think that I’m gonna go a month (or longer, thank you) without any sex. Oh, and fuck you idiots who think that I’m probably not doing enough “around the house” or some other lame shit as the reason why the wife isn’t putting out.

    Men are only as loyal as their options. Or 99% of them.

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