I wanted to take the time to thank everybody in the porn industry and also my fans for the support over the last (almost) 7 years. I decided 2 weeks ago to retire from the adult industry and from sex/adult work in general. The reason is that I have done all that there is to do in the porn/adult/stripper/escort universe.
This year I have finally bought my own house in the SF Valley, a fixer upper foreclosure that I renovated. I remember in March 2003 when I first came to the US with 200 bucks in my pocket (in the year 2010 I can apply for citizenship) – I have come a very far way since then and now I just want to make sure that in another 7 years I can look back and still say that, “wow, have I come a long way in the past 7 years”.
I am very grateful for everything that I have gained by being in this industry. It has taught me a lot about myself, made me a lot of money, got me a lot of free time, made it possible for me to achieve what I wanted to do in almost a blink of an eye compared to how long it takes regular people to to the same. I have met amazing friends and had many good times. But also of course you gain a little, you loose a little so there is a price that I paid for that. I will always have that past. I will always have to deal with judgments until I die. I will have to explain myself to new people I meet and their families. Now is the time in my life where the gain-loose priorities change. I have put the gains to good use in my life and now I am looking at the other side of the calculation and I am realizing I have grown up and moved into a different direction.
When you are 23 you don’t give a fuck about much. You are hating on your parents anyway, you think you don’t need anyone and people talking shit about you makes you feel more important. Now that I am 30 years old it does matter to me what people think of me because I owe it to myself to create different, new things that I can be judged by. Next time my mom goes to get her hair done I don’t want her to have to lie anymore. I want her to say with a proud tone in her voice: “my daughter teaches German classes in L.A.” or whatever it is I am doing.
I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in relationships anymore because of what I do. It is hard for any man to date a porn star, even maybe after you retire. But it is simply impossible to have a relationship while you are making a living fucking other people. It’s been a great ride and a part of my life that I will always look back to with no regrets and lots of funny, weird and crazy stories. It was something that was fun and fit into my life at a younger age but now I want different things for myself.
It was part of my journey and made me who I am today but when I look forward I do not see myself sucking and fucking to pay my mortgage. I see myself working a job that maybe doesn’t pay insane amounts of money but that fulfills me and takes care of my bills that need to be paid. I see myself enjoying a routine, showing up at the same office or place of employment every day at the same time. I see myself building new, stable relationships. I see myself taking on new responsibilities, committing to one person, getting married, starting a family together, making cup cakes and carving pumpkins for Thanksgiving with my kids.
I know I don’t owe anyone any kind of explanation at all but it was important to me to make this statement to show you my reasons.
I have been known in the industry for being professional, reliable, on time and organized and these things haven’t changed so since I am looking for a new challenge and a new job if anyone has any offers or suggestions for me I can be reached at email@example.com – I am very good working at an office desk but also organizing production and I am a good camera girl too.
Thanks again to everybody and especially to Mark Spiegler. Mark, I know you don’t realized it, maybe because I have never told you so, but I owe a lot to you. You were a great mentor and teacher to me and I am still thinking about what you would say in some situations in my life when I need advice. Thanks for your guidance! I will forever be grateful for having had you in my life at some point.
Thanks to all my co stars. There won’t be any juicy remarks now because I have always looked at working with you all as this: work and I think this is why many of you liked shooting with me.
I’ve never been a big attention whore and loved reading people’s comments on how great I am but if you have something good to say about me, if you have enjoyed my work over the last 7 years, please let me know. This is the time and place to do it! I have been looking forward to this very day when I would be writing this statement and now I am very happy but also crying. It’s always hard to leave something you know you’re good at.