Travis, The Chimp.

Travis The Chimp

I had a friend in college who had a friend who had a friend who had a spider monkey.

Spider monkeys do not make good pets; this particular one, when pissed, would throw its poo at you. And the walls. And anything else it felt like…until it couldn’t poo anymore.

Then it would scream.


Some animals can’t be pets: turtle may seem harmless enough, but did you know that they actually carry salmonella? Boas (any poisonous snake, really) and scorpions are no bueno. Forget about camels and ostriches, too. Crocs and alligators…oh my! And don’t even think about fucking with a Kinkajou; those cute little furry fucks will shred up the side of your face for no reason whatsoever.

(The preceding list of critters that make bad pets (the the reasons why) can be found here.)

Poor Travis The Chimp!

(By the way, the picture of the chimp putting isn’t Travis; I found it with a Google image search, and I used it here to illustrate today’s blog…and it works quite nicely, I might add).

From CNN: “The friendly guy [Travis] was known to walk around town, sometimes without a leash! He also liked to surf on the Internet and was able to change the TV channel with a remote. Travis watered plants, was able to feed hay to his owner’s horses, ate at a table with the rest of the family and sometimes drank wine from a stemmed glass.

You probably saw Travis, too…cause Coca-Cola and Old Navy hired Travis for their TV ads.

Wonder what Travis’s rate was for that kind of work.

Wonder if Travis ever surfed for porn or watched Katie Morgan’s silly HBO shows while watching TV?

Maybe Travis even stumbled upon Blacks on Blondes! (I’ll ask the owners to do a member search to see if Travis ever joined.)

Anyways, Travis got a little antsy the other day after getting “a haircut that changed her appearance significantly.”

I guess Travis has a vagina to go with her boy name.

So what do you do with a lady chimp that’s pissed about a shitty hair cut?

How about crunch up a Xanax and stir it up in a nice cup o’ tea and hand it to the monkey?

Cause that’s what Travis’s owner did.


I guess that would make sense, though, cause I know a lot of ladies who have done the same thing after getting a haircut they didn’t like.

But I guess the Xannie Bar did nothing to alleviate the chimp’s foul mood, cause a little later it ripped someone apart.


As in, “Travis jumped on her [the victim] and began biting and mauling her [the victim], causing serious injuries to her face, neck and hands”, and “[the cop who arrived on the scene] said the attack was unprovoked, but described it as ‘brutal and lengthy.'”

The victim isn’t dead…yet.

Of course Travis’s owner didn’t just sit around and watch. He stabbed poor Travis “with a butcher knife and hit him with a shovel.”

Poor Travis?

Fuck yea.

Poor Travis.

By the way, the butcher knife and the shovel treatment didn’t stop Travis.

Not even close.

Somehow, the cops got Travis into the back of the squad car (the report didn’t say how…which would have been the best part of the story to me) but they would up pumping Travis full of bullets after Travis went after them.

Travis’s head is now on its way to a lab to check for rabies, and his body is on its way to another lab for a routine autopsy.

My point to this whole thing?

Well, I guess stick with dogs and cats as pets…and stay away from monkeys.

Especially after a bad haircut.

2 thoughts on “Travis, The Chimp.”

  1. Doing a little research on the emotional and intellectual capabilities of primates can stir up some real queasy questions.

    Chimps, monkeys, gorillas, are essentially like five or six year old humans in terms of their psyches. I’m no PETA nut, but I think that there’s room for a lot more empathy here.

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