My Night with Sophia.


That day I shot Brian Pumper. I forgot who he was fucking, but he showed up on set with Spliff Star, who’s part of Busta Rhymes’s crew, and of course I have no clue who Spliff Star is…but I know Busta. Well, I don’t know Busta personally, and, to tell you the truth, I can’t even name a Busta Rhymes song, so I guess I really don’t know anything at all about Busta. But Spliff was a really cool cat, and after we wrapped the scene, and I walked into the green room to tell Spliff bye, he handed me a very kind bud and said I’d really like it.

Now, I’m not in love with Mary Jane, but I do kinda like her from time to time – right before I go to bed. It helps me sleep, cause for the last few years I don’t think I’ve made it through a night.

Sophia called me not too long after, looking for a place to crash. I had just left the studio, where I usually stay, cause it was rented out to a company making a mainstream movie, and those fuckers were gonna be in there all night long, crashing and banging out sets, so I booked a hotel room in Studio City. Of course Sophia could crash, cause we’re old, old friends, and I love to help friends out, and it would be nice to have some company.

I stopped on the way to get a six pack of Fat Tire, my very favorite ale, and some chips and munchies and stuff. I had some porno editing to do, so I dragged my laptop and external harddrives along, too, and I was all set up and working by the time Sophia showed up.

“Hey, look at what Spliff Star gave me,” and I showed her the chillums.

No, wait.


Carlton Banks gave me the moocah cause his puppy was on set when we were shooting a load dumper scene, and the puppy licked one of the load dumper’s legs, and it made the load dumper lose his hardon, and the load dumper couldn’t dump, so, like I said, Carlton gave me the boo; it was his way of apologizing.

Either way, I had some reefer, and some munchies, and South Park was coming on, and I was all done with my editing for ManoJob, and I kinda was looking forward to toking a bit and just relaxing.

That’s when Sophia came in. And the first thing she did was use the bathroom. And almost immediately, she used it again, and I asked her if she was OK, and she said she just needed to make a poopie.

Two times.

And what poopie it was! Poopie with a capital “P”. She apologized, and I opened the balcony window, and I laughed, cause I didn’t think Sophia ever made poopie, and certainly never a poopie like that, cause Sophia doesn’t eat. No eats means no poopies, right? And super-hot porn girls certainly aren’t capable of such pungent poopie, except maybe Spring Thomas, who, in addition to making very strong boom-booms, is a championship farter.

Then I told Sophia about the Carlton story – not the Spliff Star story – cause now I know for sure Carlton gave me the four twenty.

And what doradilla it was! But we didn’t know it until we smoked it, and we didn’t smoke it until we found something to smoke it with, cause I’m such an amateur at all this I might have some weed, but cetainly nothing to smoke it with.

“Is there a Bible in the room?” Sophia asked.

“Um, I’m sure there is. Are we going to pray we find something to smoke this with?”

Of course not. Sophia knew the last couple pages of a Bible have super-thin paper – rolling paper kind of thiness – and, as a matter of fact, this is common knowledge among most tea heads – which is not to say Sophia is a tea head. So we searched everywhere and found the Bible the Gideons leave in every hotel room. Sure enough, there it was, on the top drawer of the night stand, and sure enough, the last two pages were made of super thin paper, and I tore some out, then secretly prayed to Jesus that I wouldn’t burn in hell for what I was about to do, even though I’m not a Christian.

I went ahead and rolled a cripple.

We smoked the pin, and damn, we were baked, and we laughed really hard at South Park, and Sophia had Reese’s Pieces, and I ate all those, and then we crashed.

This is about the time I groped Sophia’s ba-gina, which was a really stupid thing to do, cause

1) Sohpia’s engaged


2) Sophia’s enaged to a friend of mine


3) awkwardly groping a porn star’s ba-gina like a 12 year old under any circumstance is a really dumb thing to do, even if it’s part of a cheesy porno scenario and we’re working.

That’s right… Ba-gina.

“Hey! Stop!! That’s not cool. Besides, I’m monogamous.”

This is about the time I’m feeling like a complete toolbox once again: first, of course, was the time I initally took the swipe at her; and now, all over again, writing about it. There’s gonna be a third time I feel like an idiot, too, and that’ll be the time I see Sophia’s dude, in person, knowing he’s read this…and I’ll aplogize to him at that time for groping her.

Or, I could do it now: sorry bro. I mean it. I was high and that’s that. It won’t happen again.

Anyway, I stared up at the ceiling. Sophia rolled over and crashed. And almost immediately, she started snoring. This wasn’t the kind of snoring you’d expect from a porno girl, let alone a super hot porno girl. The noises Sophia made were something akin to the aroma of her ass I enjoyed just a few hours earlier.

But I fell asleep, cause I was baked, and it was such good cannabis tea, I could even sleep through all the snoring – and the humilty – that night brought to me.

Dogfart's Mansion

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