Monthly Archives: July 2010
Interview with a Porn Star (#77) — Lilly LaBeau
Lilly LaBeau: Yep, and the tag line was so strong. You know how you can see the first sentence of your e-mails on mySpace? This one said, “Wow! So you’re fucking niggers now?”
ISP: He’s pissed you’ve added IR to your dance card.
LL: Yea. Let me show you. (We log into her mySpace and it reads: “So you fucking NIGGERS now I wanted to hire you but not now that you are fucking NIGGERS!”) I wanted to yell back at him and cuss him out, but I chose not to because it’s a waste of time and effort. Negative energy is just…eh. I don’t wanna feel like that.
ISP: All that stems from insecurity. I agree, too…let’s not waste our time on that. You just got back from an audition?
LL: Yep. From New Sensations. I have no idea what I was auditioning for…I just read some lines and was supposed to be an emotionally distraught, horny and angry.
ISP: Like most of the porn girls actually working today. Anyways, you bought your sister to set with you?
LL: Yes I did. I just though it would be fun. I wanted to show her what goes on behind the camera. She got to see me audition, and now she gets to watch me do a scene!
ISP: How do you feel about your sister Lilly making dirty movies?
Olivia LeBeau: It was just a little shocking finding out that my little sister was having sex with multiple people, but then I thought back to when she was a little girl, running around the house naked, shaking her boobs and her butt. All the time. My mom and I said, “one day you’re gonna be a porn star!” and boom, it came true.
LL: Getting into porn was always in the back of my head, cause they were already talking about it when I was 8.
ISP: What went through your head when you signed your first model release?
LL: I was traveling to Miami, and I was really excited…but really, really scared, too. I was concerned about being sold on the black market.
ISP: Excuse me?
LL: I’m on the internet looking for modeling agencies in LA, and I found a dude and sent him my pictures. He got me the Miami gig. It was for DareDorm.com. But I had no idea it was legit, and all I could think of was Chris Hansen and Dateline and black market shit and kidnapping and human trafficking. I didn’t want to be sold into sex slavery. I was worried that might happen to me on my way to Miami. Looking back on it, traveling all that way to do my first shoot was a really bad decision. I didn’t have any money to get back home if I needed to run.
ISP: But everything worked out in the end…see? We’re not all evil people.
LL: It all worked out great! I love my job, and I hope I can do it for a while.
Gia Paloma, make-up artist: If you were stuck on an airplane that couldn’t take off…say it was stuck on the tarmac for, like, 8 hours. What three items would you have with you?
LL: A book, my iPod, and my Blackberry. That’s all I need.
ISP: What book?
LL: Right now I’m reading Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich.
ISP: What’s on your iPod?
LL: My music is, like, three years outdated…I have everything from Shinedown to Seether to The Bloody Beatroots.
Gia Paloma, make-up artist: That would be a great name for a vagina…Bloody Beatroot.
ISP: What’s your favorite app on your Blackberry?
LL: My GPS. I’m directionally challenged. I can’t find a thing without it. Hey, I gotta go pee! (Lilly leaves to use the bathroom).
ISP: Hey Olivia…tell me a story about your sister that she’d be really embarrassed about.
OL: She ate slugs when she was a little kid.
ISP: Huh?
OL: When me and my sister were kids growing up in Washington, my dad was videotaping us just being kids. My dad wasn’t watching Lilly, but she had put a slug in her mouth. Do you guys have slugs down here?
ISP: Nope. But I know what a slug is.
OL: Anyways, she puts a slug in her mouth and my dad starts videotaping her, and that’s when he noticed there was something in her mouth. He asked her, “hey Lilly, what’s in your mouth?” and Lilly spit the slug out right into his hand. (Lilly’s back from peeing).
ISP: You ate slugs when you were a kid?
LL: Hey, I ate slugs when I was a kid…what can I say?
OL: She also went through a Goth stage. She had short, pixie-cut black hair. She never went out in the sun. Her bangs were swept over her forehead like Justin Beiber.
ISP: Did you have a Goth name?
LL: No. I didn’t. Honest.
ISP: Would you eat a slug now?
LL: Ew. No.
ISP: Would you do a 50-man bukakke?
LL: Yes, as long as I don’t have to swallow all of them.
ISP: What can’t I book you for?
LL: Anal and DP’s. Cream pies.
OL: What’s a cream pie?
ISP: When the dude busts in the girl’s vagina and it oozes out.
OL: What’s so interesting about that? You can’t see anything.
ISP: Good question. Hey Lilly, do you do anal in your real life?
LL: I play around with my butt with toys and stuff. But I’ve never had a dick up my butt — on camera or off.
ISP: Would you take $10,000 cash right now if I could invade your colon?
LL: Yes! Of course! Yes yes yes!
ISP: You’re on your way to becoming a true Spiegler Girl! Soon, you’ll be doing it for rate.
How Julia Sweeny Hooked Her Daughter Up with Internet Porn.
This Ain’t Glee XXX Auditions.
A Few of The Things I Love, Lately…
I mean…really? Really. Do people really think like this anymore? Of course they do! And their dopey e-mails always make for a fun read. The best part, of course, is that the racist bigot e-mails almost always originate from the members’ area at Blacks on Blondes. I also enjoy how they think the guys behind the camera are either black…or Jewish.
2. Kuma’s Korner, 2900 W. Belmont Ave., Chicago: Imagine walking into a hamburger joint with Death Metal blasting at an almost uncomfortable volume level. The waitresses all looked like they just wrapped a Suicide Girls shoot. There’s senior citizens sitting next to Yuppies sitting next to dudes who might actually be in Mastodon. Once you open the menu, it’s a tough time choosing between “The Plague Bringer” or “Insect Warfare” or “The Goblin’s Cock” (the only hot dog on the menu, and it’s super huge). I went with The Famous Kuma Burger, just cause it looked like if I could actually finish it, I might die soon after of coronary failure. Of course I finished it, cause it might have been the best thing I ever stuck in my mouth.
3. Reckless Records: I went to the one on Milwaukee Ave, and it was there I scored the 10″ EP “All Over The Place” by my beloved Wilco. It’s so rare I didn’t even know it existed…but that’s not saying much, really. I had to pay up for it, too. Which means I’m still gay for them. Gayer than ever.
4. The Dirty Show: The Dirty Show is an “International Exhibition of Erotic Art”. I caught it last weekend while I was in Chicago. Anytime art gets labeled it kinda makes me nervous, and sure enough, most of the “Erotic Art” was kinda lame. If a painting of a penis with a butterfly landing on its head is executed right, it’s art. Not just “erotic art”. Right? Most of the time, “erotic art” should just be labeled ‘bad art” — unless it’s Eric Kroll or Steve Diet Goedde.
5. The City of Chicago: While I’m at it, let me make a big Shout Out to my old home town. When I left in 1975, driving through the city was always an interesting experience…mostly cause you had to zig zag through the bad spots. No, the brutal spots, which were a plenty. It wasn’t even about driving through with the windows rolled up and the doors locked; you seriously took your own life in your hands if you wandered around…which, in 2010, is no longer. Just lots of white girls in short, short skirts, riding their bike to a trendy coffee shop. Just 15 years ago, in that same place, they would have been slaughtered. After they were raped. And no one woulda said a word about it. Say what you will about Mayor Daley, but he set the city free. Just don’t wander around the suburbs, like where I grew up.
6. American Pickers: If I ever stop making dirty movies, I think I’ll be a picker. It’s the collector in me. I think I have a pretty good eye, too, so I might be able to pull it off. The only thing better than a good score (my last was a pile of vintage movie posters including Barbarella, The Kansas City Bombers, and Billy Jack) is selling the stuff. Anyways, “American Pickers” features two geeks who drive all over the place buying shit from kooky hoarders. The hoarders are the stars of the show, of course. But the best part is how the geeks always play the good guy role, and never underpay for stuff, and never sell it for a huge profit, and always tell the hoarders if their shit is really valuable, so an “expert” can be called in to help them put their discarded stuff in better hands. I like this show way better than the pawn shop show, only cause those two fatsos — Chumley and the other dope — bug me even more than the Old Man and his balding son.
7. Ty Segall: My Little Bro often recommends new music to me, and I immediately dismiss him, cause, after all, he’s my little bro, and he’s younger than me — and what do younger siblings really know? Actually he knows a lot — especially when it comes to new music — but I’ll never admit that to him. (I was gonna make mention of Sleigh Bells, but I’m not sure if I love them…or hate them.)
8. My Blog: Sure, I don’t update it nearly enough, and I’m feeling (as always) like a broken record. But I still like doing it…whenever there’s something to say.
9. My New Bi-Focals: Cause, after all, ain’t getting older a heap o’ fun?
10. Ivy Winters: Ivy Winters is a somewhat-newbie Porno Princess that makes my wee-wee get really hard. So hard, in fact, that when my pal Nicky Milo called me up and asked, “Hey Billy! Whacha doin’ tomorrow? I gotta shoot a gang bang!! I need to borrow your camera, and do you wanna join in? Cause I can only find 5 guys and I need 6!” Of course I said no, cause I’m not male talent. I’m certainly not a mope. Then he said, “Are you sure? It’s Ivy Winters!” I asked if I had to show my face. This is, of course, a sign of weakening, and Nicky knew that. He said yes. I asked if I was gonna get paid. (More weakness). He said yes. I’m not male talent, I repeated…and then took the job. Cause it’s Ivy Winters. Cause I’m a mope…and there’s something terribly wrong with me.
