1. Zoey Nixon: I’ve got a couple ads posted up on the interwebs for the Google Machine to find, and these ads, in turn, help me find new gals to start an exciting new career in the wonderful world of Adult Entertainment. Some of them have been up for years, and even though it flatly says in said ads NO SINGLE MALES, that’s all I ever seem to deal with. And they’re all from third-world cesspools that want to bomb the USA out of existence. I have no idea how dudes in countries that censor their interwebs find me…but they do. (hello SIR hi my name is naji im 30 yeas old my date of birth is 21-10-1982 i want to become a porn star i been waiting all my life for this to happen to me so my e-mail is (removed by Billy) if you can i can be contacting also thro my cell phone (removed by Billy) k hope to here back from you thnaks). Anyway, in almost a decade of ads I’ve meet two girls who ended up in one of my movies: Emma Cummings and Zoey Nixon. I dunno what I love more about Zoey: her Bowie/Ziggyesque look, her fabulous boobs, the fact that she hails from the same place as John Waters, or her mouth…when it’s wrapped around two dicks at the same time: mine and her boyfriend’s. Oh, and BTW, No Way Am I Gay. And neither is her boyfriend.
2. NOBUNNY: There’s a dude called Justin Champlin who lives in the San Francisco Bay Area (Oakland, where there’s a “scene” kinda happening now) and, as NOBUNNY from “Rabbit Hole USA”, makes some of the best music I’ve heard in a long time. When my little brother handed me his hand-made (literally) record “Love Visions” four or five years ago, I immediately dismissed it, citing the dumb name and equally stupid, filthy rabbit mask he dons. Then, a couple months ago, while attending a music festival at the fabulous Hi-Tone Lounge in beautiful Memphis Tennessee, I become enlightened to the musical genius that is NOBUNNY. If you don’t believe me, just check yesterday’s blog post.
3. The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson: I was driving around this high school reunion weekend in my mom’s car listening to NPR, only because I couldn’t figure out a way to make the bluetooth in my phone talk to her car’s bluetooth. Which isn’t to say I don’t like NRP. They were interviewing Jon Ronson about his new book, “Lost at Sea”, which sounded really interesting to me cause of his essay on The Insane Clown Posse and their new agenda, which is some sort of statement concerning all the misogynistic music they made in the past, and how it all relates to their love of God. Or some such non-sense. But while shopping at my local indie bookstore, I picked up his previous book, and took a gander at the back cover: “They say one out of every hundred people is a psychopath. You probably passed one on the street today. These are people who have no empathy, who are manipulative, deceitful, charming, seductive, and delusional.” In my world, I refer to psychopaths as co-workers (no joke intended), so I bought this instead. And in one night I’m 1/2 through…and suddenly afraid to start shooting this week.
4. Endless Summer: After work, I usually read a bit, or listen to records, or do both…and then heavily self-medicate with phenomenal strains of marijuana readily available at most dispensaires in the SoCal area. While inhaling I’ll dial up a movie, either on Netflix or Apple TV. If the movie is really good, I’ll fight sleep to finish it off. I don’t make it through most. Not only did I finish off Endless Summer, I watched the last 20 minutes over again…and I didn’t mention — Billy don’t surf.
5. My High School Graduating Class: This weekend was my 30th, and it was way better than my 20th, which was way better than my 10th. Here’s how it goes: 10 years out of high school means you’re sizing everyone up and proving — beyond a shadow of a doubt — that your dick is biggest. You may even be secretly hoping someone says something stupid, just to you can kick that special someone’s ass you missed out on a decade earlier. Then, at 20 years, you realize size really doesn’t matter and just happy to see everyone…even the people you couldn’t stand back in the day. Once 30 years past, you’re super excited to see everyone is struggling with the same exact aging issues…and since everyone is divorced, it’s time to let your Freak Flag fly. Unless you’re me and spoiled on Porno Princesses 1/2 your age. Did I say half? Try 60% my age (rounded up from 56%, of course).
6. Artforum Magazine: Artforum is a ridiculously pompous arty-farty mag, and its intended audience are art fags, snobby intellectuals, and bitchy gallery owners who live off their rich husband’s income…in that order. Which is why I love it so. And it’s exactly where I ripped off this idea of a monthly top ten. A top ten list I’m quite sure I won’t be able to maintain past next month.
7. Measure B: Well, the voters have spoken, and they’re so concerned for the welfare of all the Stunt Cocks and Porno Princesses, they’ve initiated a law to require rubbers on Stunt Cocks. How will it be enforced? Not from tax hikes, that’s for sure! The inspectors shall be paid by the revenue generated when all the Porno Producers run out to City Hall and fork over big money for the licenses required to make a dirty movie. Um…yea. Uh huh.
8. “Chuck Berry Holiday”: I’m so gay for NOBUNNY why not add his best song to this month’s list? Here he is performing it on the super-weird, all-access cable TV show Chic-a-go-go, a show that might end up on next month’s Top 10. “She hit the road, Jack / That’s a fact / I guess it’s time that I let it go”…and no, she is never, ever coming back.
9. David Petraeus: Men love attention. They love attention even more than their aging, thickening wives. An aging, thickening wife, I might add, who has just about the same amount of sexual desire for you as you do for her. So imagine a hottie approaches, and she’s so into you she’s gonna author your biography (!) and follow you around wherever you go. Imagine you’ve got secrets. Good ones. No…great ones. Great fucking secrets only you and a handful of people in the world know. They’re so great they intensify the already-great sex (you haven’t had since 1992) 10 fold. Make sure you wear The Uniform whilst banging, too. Don’t forget the medals! Why not have her drop and give you 20 before she crawls over to pull your dick out to start sucking? The biggest kick I get out of all this is? When the news lady from CNN scratches her head and wonders “why and how such a thing could happen”.
10. Memphis, Tennessee: I was gonna rave about Goner Records …but I already covered music today. Then I was gonna rave about Gonerfest …but I already covered music today. So why not blab about my new, very favorite American city? The fried catfish? The BBQ? The Stax Museum? Sun Records! The National Civil Rights Museum! Earnestine & Hazel’s and their Soul Burgers and the walk upstairs to what used to be an old brothel! Arcade for breakfast! The Hi-Tone and the Buccaneer! Beale Street! The Gibson Guitar Factory! Where do I end?
How about with a shot I took of Friday Night’s Gonerfest Emcee?