“Rehab” — Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse
When I was in junior high, I had a Social Studies teacher who was a total hippy. He’d play records on one of those small turntables you’d get from the school’s A/V department, while we were working on whatever it was we were working on that day. One of his favorite records was “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”, and I’d always wonder why anyone would name anything “The Worst of”…until now.

Super agent Mark Spiegler woke me up this morning with a text: “Amy Winehouse is dead”.

Which makes perfect sense.

And it’s a shame.

I bought tickets to an Amy Winehouse show a few days after I originally blogged this; she was set to play Spaceland, which is a venue in LA that has a capacity of maybe 400 people — half of which would be able to stand in front of the stage to see the show. She ended up cancelling, which left me with a decision: return the two tickets and get my $36 back…or keep them as a collectible. Her reputation was already spreading, and I remember thinking something along the lines of — this girl is gonna wind up dead — so The Collector in me held the tickets in lieu of my refund.

This blog’s original air date: March 3, 2007.

Amy Winehouse is a hot piece of British ass, and I want to fuck her very badly.

Which, of course, will never happen.

It’s not because of that long, brunette face, or her super-hip überlicious arm tats that make my dick so stiff. It’s not cause she’s a trouble maker, or a drunk, or heckled Bono durning an awards show…although all that certainly helps.

Maybe I don’t want to fuck Amy Winehouse as much as I wanna fuck whoever came up with — and sang — “Rehab”. Before you read any further, maybe you should go to her myspace and click on the video of her belting the motherfucker out — an acapella version, no less.

Is it OK for a Jewish Girl to sing like a Black Girl? When she has a bee hive sitting on top of her head?

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no, no, no /
Yes I been blind but when I come back you’ll know, know, know /
I ain’t got the time /
And if my daddy thinks I’m fine /
You tried to make me go to rehab but I won’t go, go, go.

I was never a huge Motown fan. I mean I appreciate what was happening there, and sure, I can appreciate Berry Gordy and Phil Spector and the whole she-bang. And I certainly hate things that are obvious and clichéd, so I find myself hating this piece of writing because I can’t come up with anything original or even remotely interesting to say about Amy Winehouse and her song that I love so much right now.

I don’t ever want to drink again /
I just, ooh I just need a friend /
I’m not gonna spend ten weeks /
And have everyone think I’ve gone mad.

When I first heard “Rehab” on Sirius 26, I thought it was some sort of lost gem from, say, 1968…an obscure girl group gem that fell through the cracks and was lost all this time. I was alone, as usual, in my porno studio, after a long day full of smutty adventures. I was reading, I think, and when “Rehab” came on I immediately checked the LCD thingy my radio has to make sure I was on the right station…and then, of course, to see who the fuck was singing it.

And it’s not just my pride /
It’s just til these tears have dried

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no, no, no /
Yes I been blind but when I come back you’ll know, know know /
I ain’t got the time /
And if my daddy thinks I’m fine /
You tried to make me go to rehab but I won’t go, go, go.

Fuck it. I like this song so much I just changed out my reseller link with a pic of the CD on Amazon to buy it for the YouTube video of the song. And I don’t care if you’re a boy or a girl…I challenge you to keep your pants on while you watch it.

And Amy, please come to Los Angeles and my porno studio so I can have my way with you…I don’t care if you’re a size 8 or 18, I just wanna fuck you silly. I’ll even buy dinner afterward and hold your hand and we can pretend to be a couple. And after sex and food we can go to Amoeba and look through the new arrival bin for vinyl tricks and treats…oh, my love!

9 thoughts on ““Rehab” — Amy Winehouse”

  1. Dude,

    I read about Amy Winehouse for the first time on your blog. And I went out and watched a video, and then I bought her album and turned my friends on to her.

    It was a weird thing for me to do – normally I don’t let blog whores influence me that much.

    But now I’m sad, a little. Because Mark G., above, is right – the Amy Winehouse that I liked pretty much died right in front of us two years back. But there was always that chance that someone would kill the shitbag boyfriend, and she’d go through a Marie Osmond phase for a couple of years before she started making cool music again.

    Anyway, you got any more new artist recommendations – ’cause that last one didn’t work out?

  2. Yeah, it really is a shame. The saddest thing in life is wasted talent, and the choices that you make will shape your life forever. A lot of people don’t or won’t recognize that addiction is the most deadly and insidious disease there is because it not only affects your body, but your mind and spirit as well, and on top of that it is incurable. However, with a little bit of luck, and a lot of hard work it can be arrested. I know a lot of people will say “why didn’t she just stop”, without realizing that telling an addict to control their drug use is like telling a person with the worlds worst case of diarrhea to control their shitting. Some addicts are sicker than others, and just won’t ever come to terms with their addiction, unfortunately. I’ve lost so many friends to oxys and heroin I lost count. I have family members i’ve never met due to drugs. You can only take solace in the idea that the only way they could gain liberty from the horrors of their addiction was through death.

    I heard a while back that she had emphysema also, I wonder if that contributed to her despair at all? R.I.P

  3. By the way Billy, when you first heard her on your radio, and heard the words: “they try to make me go to rehab”, did you honestly think it was a song from the late 60s?!

  4. @Mark G: No Mark, I didn’t. It was more of a figurative interpretation of the song in order to make the writing work a little bit better.

  5. You have to die a few times before you can really live.

    Besides, rehab sucks. I been there.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *