My Casting Woes

Brandy Dallas

I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about casting before, so I’ll do it now.

Seems simple, doesn’t it? Just hire the hottest girl you possibly can to do the naughtiest things she’s willing to do, point a camera at her while she’s doing it…and soon, you’ll be a millionaire.



Well. Maybe not entirely wrong. But do me a favor, would ya? Tell me what makes a girl hot. This is purely rhetorical, of course…maybe not. I mean I know what a hot girl looks like, just the same as you know what a hot girl looks like. She’s maybe 5’7″ or so, and she’s brunette, and she has piercing blue eyes, and petite – but shapely – boobies…and she’s intelligent, and she knows how smart she is, but she doesn’t show all those smarts off. She’s got some booty, too…but not a whole lot, and she can look stunning when she dresses up, but dress her down and she’s just as hot – maybe more so.


I see girls like this walking around Larchmount, the neighborhood I walk around with after dinner with my Actor Pal, who no longer allows me to refer to him on my blog as anything but Actor Pal. Anyways, I’ll point out a hot girl, and she’ll look like what I just described, and he’ll kinda shrug his shoulders and mumble something, and then, suddenly, when a petite Asian girl who looks like she’s about 17 walks by, he’ll flip his lid.

My partner in Spunkmouth likes them with huge fake tits and platinum blonde hair. Creepy Q, my editor, likes the Muffin Top – that is, the girl who’s got an ample mid-section…enough of one to flow over the top of her pants – which is to say he’s a chubby chaser.

I got an e-mail from a reader the other day who asked, “why haven’t you started a site with redheads…they’re so fucking hot!”

Show any one of those guys an agent’s website, and ask them to cast a scene for me, and I’ll get as many different choices as there are dudes doing the casting.

So what should I do? Well…I do the best I can. Which leads me up to my whole point here – I can’t please everyone, and sometimes, when I cast a girl, I take a bit of a risk. Just take a look at Brandy Dallas. She’s the gal stuck right in the middle of all those brothas. She’s last week’s Blacks On Blondes update, too. And, to tell you the truth, I don’t think she’s too hot. In fact, I think I might have made a mistake casting her. I kinda knew that going while making the decision, and when I get into that kind of predicament – which isn’t often – I’ll push a girl like that to her limits…cause, well, she ain’t that hot.

I’m being so honest here it’s starting to hurt.

Anyways, I met Brandy Dallas while she was shacking up at the local Porno Hotel with Barbie Cummings and some other out-of-town porno chick whose name I can’t remember (but damn, did that girl talk a whole lot about herself). I know this cause I took all three out to dinner that night, and poor Brandy Dallas, who flew all the way from somewhere in Texas, didn’t have any jobs, and I started to feel sorry for her, cause she’s such a nice girl, and she loves sex, and she has these little sex parties in the little town in Texas where she’s from, and she came out to LA to be a porn star, but let’s face it, she doesn’t really have what it takes to be a porn star, cause she’s not that hot.

I’m being so honest here it’s starting to get painful.

I’m in a business where a girl is based entirely on her looks, and a dude is based entirely on the size of his penis and his ability to maintain an erection. And honestly, sometimes this bothers me…well, on the girl’s end of the deal. But here’s where it gets fun. I haven’t spoken to Creepy Q about my decision to book Brandy Dallas, but I bet he likes her look. And, I bet, more than a few of you reading this now like Brandy, too. She doesn’t look like a porn star at all, and that’s what makes her a good casting decision. (Maybe I just threw that out as a way to reassure myself I didn’t make a mistake casting her).

Here’s where the shit gets really painful, and again, I’m being honest here. Since Brandy isn’t all that hot, I knew the only way I’d give her the job is if she did something kinda kooky.

Kinda nutty.

Kinda crazy.

Like maybe sucking off an army of ghetto thugs, straight outta the ghetto where my Ghetto Porno Studio is located. I also gave the ghetto thugs a license to act kinda kooky. Kinda nutty. Kinda crazy. Now…I won’t lie to you here: Brandy OK’d my choice on the scene’s scenario, and she went with it, and my feeling is she went with it cause she knew if she didn’t go with it she’d probably go home with no money at all.

I’m being so completely honest here I think I’m about to poop my pants.

So the ghetto thugs basically fuck Brandy’s mouth loose, and they blow a whole bunch of sperm all over her, and the black guys yell and scream, and some of them kinda took it far – so far my PA Cherry Poppens walked out of the room – and the scene was shot, and everyone made their money, and Brandy Dallas was just fine throughout the whole entire thing.

I know this cause I asked her, over and over, if she was ok with it while I rolled tape.

So there you have it. On the way home, I had a “talk” with Brandy, and told her if she wanted to come back sometime in the future, she might want to look into an exercise program, and a make over, and maybe practice some dirty talking and sucking the next time she threw one of those little Texas Porno Parties of hers.

I just took a look at the agent’s site where I booked Brandy from, and she’s not there anymore, which probably means she’s gone from the porno game, and I think that’s a good thing. Not because she isn’t what I define as a “hot” girl…not because she can’t really talk dirty too well, or fuck and suck like a champ…not because any of that at all.

It’s just that some people simply aren’t cut out to do the things they want to do, no matter how badly they want to do them – which doesn’t mean they can’t do it. Who knows – maybe Brandy Dallas will be the next Jenna Jameson. Well, maybe the next Spring Thomas. Well, maybe the next Flick Shagwell. Well, maybe the next Tori Welles. Well, maybe the next Vanessa Del Rio.

Well…maybe not.

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