Whenever I’m having One Of Those Days, it usually means things have gone awry on set, which I sometimes refer to as a clusterfuck.

When I was a school teacher and had a clusterfuck, it usually meant discipline problems. When things went awry as a stockbroker, it meant I had a “sell-out”. (A sell-out (AKA “DK”) is when the client confirms a trade, and then gets cold feet and backs out — and doesn’t pay for the stock they bought). Same when I sold cars; when the deal fell through my day was totally fucked.

Like I need to actually explain this to you? You deal with clusterfucks all the time — it’s part of life.

But in Porno Land, when things have “gone awry”, you know it makes for a good story.

For example, I once decided to give a new dude a shot at being a Stunt Cock, which I seldom do. He showed up 3 hours late; at that point, his tardiness didn’t concern me at all, because he had already been replaced and his number deleted from my phone. Too bad the dope found his way into my studio, cause the next thing you know I’m calling 911 to have The Angry Black Man forcibly removed from my set by the Po-Po…which was fun in of itself: “911 Operator? Yes mam, I have an angry Negro who won’t leave my porno studio. He snuck in and he’s been here almost an hour now and he’s totally holding up production cause he wants to bang so bad he’d rather risk getting arrested for trespassing than simply leaving….could you please send an officer over here ASAP?”

For example, once my pal Nicky Milo had a girl orgasm really really hard on set, causing a turd to fly out of her butt. We lovingly refer to this as his “Almond Roca Story”; and, I might add, not really a clusterfuck for anyone else except The Girl Who Orgasmed So Hard Poo Flew Out of Her Butt.

For example, this happened just two days ago: a Stunt Cock was banging a girl super hard (this wasn’t on my set), and his cock slipped out, which he didn’t realize, and instead of slamming it back into her vagina, his wiener slammed into her butt — and with such force his penis exploded. Screaming in pain, he was taken off set in a stretcher by EMT’s. I shit you not, and I’m guessing he was using CAVERJECT®, boner medicine that’s super strong…CAVERJECT® is kinda like Viagra on steroids. And did the dick literally explode? Probably not…but I’m sooo fucking glad I wasn’t there to witness the mess.

Talk about clusterfucks.

Today Porno Princess shows up, looking mighty might cute. But she “doesn’t feel well”. Now, I shot Porno Princess on Monday for Cuckols Sessions, and she did great. I took her out to the glory hole on Wednesday. She kicked ass. But on both days she was “nervous” about today’s scene, cause for the very first time she was going to entertain three gentlemen.

Three African-American gentlemen.

Three very well-hung African Americans.

Ever observe human behavior? Of course you have, but I mean kinda like all scientific-like. If I had to do school all over again, I’d do the Psychology thing now, especially after spending 8 years in this whacky biz. I like to watch people deal with something they don’t wanna deal with. Like today’s Porno Princess. She didn’t want to fuck 3 dudes. Not really. Which, of course, doesn’t mean she was being forced to do anything. In her perfect world (and most Porno Princesses’), someone would just hand her a check for $1500…just cause.

Today my Porno Princess shows up on set with none of the wardrobe she was asked to bring. (To which I had her agent drive her to the Whore Stores on Hollywood BLVD so she could buy the correct wardrobe). But she can’t find any Whore Stores on Hollywood BLVD. Then, when she got back from the store she couldn’t find, she’s “cold”.

Then, she wants to sleep.

Then, she’s hungry.

Then, she’s tired.

Then, she doesn’t like her make-up.

Then, she’s sick.

Then, she’s more sick. And crabby. And really cold. (My studio has no AC…temperature as she’s complaining about the cold — a very chilly 86F).

Suddenly, we find out one of my Stunt Cocks won’t make today’s scene. He was an hour late, and he called to tell me he was gonna be another hour late, which is just another dumb way to get out of a job you really don’t want…so I told him not to bother.

So now I’ve got a B/B/G when suddenly my Porno Princess starts feeling better. And not so cold anymore!

We go to set, where there’s more fun awaiting: one of the Stunt Cocks can’t get his cock hard. He beats and beats and beats, but I think there’s too much blood in his eyes from the blunt he smoked…which is to say there’s none left for anyplace else.

Oh! Where’s the CAVERJECT® when you need it?? And did you guys actually read the CAVERJECT® info from the link? You inject that shit. It makes me think even though I love pussy more than almost anything — including my birthday, Christmas Morning, Wilco, and breakfast-for-dinner — I don’t think I like pussy enough to have to stick a needle in my wee wee in order to fuck it.

My day ended with a reschedule; I’ll shoot the scene tomorrow — hopefully. In the mean time, I think I’m gonna go jog around the reservoir a few more times…cause don’t you know my OK Cupid profile is only 30% complete.