Sally Law, Science of Sex columnist, reports the 9 most provocative sex studies of 2009; Billy Watson, hi-brow sleaze-bag pornographer, responds.

1. Sex smells: A man’s sweat smells different when he’s sexually aroused — and women can tell the difference between the smell of sexual sweat and the regular stuff, according to a study in The Journal of Neuroscience.

My ball sweat smells like a winning Lotto ticket after a good session; a stunt cock I used to hire for Blacks on Blondes smelled like Hamburger Helper…out of the 60 (or so) different flavors, I’d say it was closest to the Cheesy Jambalaya.

2. Pulling out works: Well, most of the time. In a paper published in the June issue of Conception magazine, researchers claimed that withdrawal was “almost as effective as the male condom” when it came to pregnancy prevention (a failure rate of 18 percent, vs. the 17 percent failure rate of condoms).

If you want to be even more sure about your pregnancy prevention, pull out early enough to have that special someone spin around, drop to her knees, and take it on the face.

3. Child’s play: An Iowa State University study found that 25 percent of children — ranging in ages from 11 to 16 — in low-income households reported having sex. The average age of first intercourse for that group was 12.77.

In a follow-up study conducted by yours truly, 82% of them ended up in Porn Valley soon after they turned 18.

4. Growing pains: According to a study from the University of Turin, penis extenders might work — a particular brand that used traction to gradually stretch the penis over time was found to increase flaccid members’ length by almost one inch.

WTF? What good is it making Mr. Softie bigger? And only by an inch? Does this mean I need to toss the rest of my Extenze?

5. The pursuit of pleasure: Men who are very sexually active in their 20s and 30s — especially those who masturbate frequently — are at higher risk for prostate cancer, said researchers at the University of Nottingham. But that risk decreases as a man ages, and once he’s in his 50s, even small levels of sexual activity can help protect him from the disease.

Considering 100% of dudes aged 20 – 30 beat off all the fucking time, this fact has to skew their qualitative research methods, rendering them almost useless. (You can always count on an educated pornographer for The Truth.)

6. Pill popping: In February, the Federal Drug Administration mandated that Bayer, the manufacturer of Yaz birth-control pills, fix their commercials that promoted Yaz as a weapon against acne and PMS and downplayed its potential health risks.

Huh?

7. This is a test: The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists released new guidelines for cervical-cancer screenings: Women should wait until age 21 to get their first Pap smear, and should be checked every three years (instead of annually) if they have a history of normal test results.

Halloween 1995 I dressed up as a gynecologist and offered free pap smears; 100% of the women at the parties I attended were not amused.

8. Not yet: According to research published in the Journal of Theoretical Biology, women who hold out on sex are acting on a biological impulse to find more suitable providers — and men are waiting to prove that they’re up to the challenge.

And almost all women today define “suitable providers” by both their income tax returns and credit score.

9) Role reversal: Men feel guiltier following sexual infidelity, while women feel worse after an emotional transgression—and both are incredibly self-involved. “If an individual assumes that everyone, regardless of their sex, is most concerned with the same form of infidelity that they themselves are most concerned about, this person would consequently make false inferences leading to feelings of guilt,” said researcher Maryanne Fisher, a professor at St. Mary’s University in Halifax, Canada.

If only Maryanne Fisher could take a few seconds to pull her head out of her academic ass while speaking, 85% of the people reading this might understand what the fuck she’s talking about.