The AVN Awards.

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No one’s in LA right now, except me.

Well, that’s not accurate. There’s about 14 million people in LA right now, but very, very few of them perform in dirty, filthy movies.

That’s cause all those folks are in Las Vegas as I bang this out, getting ready for the Porno equivalent of the Academy Awards: The 2009 AVN Adult Movie Awards.

They’re about to go down right now.

The awards show is the grand finale, so to speak, of the past 3 days…cause for the last three days all sorts of Porno Freaks are in Las Vegas right now trying to score (at least) an autograph from their favorite Porn Whore.

Some might even be able to fuck their favorite starlet (or star) as long as the price is right. From what I hear, that’ll set you back a cool grand for an hour of fun…but only if your favorite gal does privates.

Don’t worry almost all of them do, even the ones who don’t (during the rest of the year).

You might even be able to fuck one for free. (Nothing is free, right? But you know what I mean). Just buy them a whole bunch of drinks and make them laugh, and you’re about 65% of the way there.

(God damn have I mentioned how much I love this Vampire Weekend record? Santa bought it for me all the way from The North Pole, and yes, I know it’s not “new”, but it’s new to me…at least in its entirety. I mean I know about that catchy single, but shit! This whole record rules!)

Anyways, part of the fun of the Howard Stern show is when they make gags about The AVN awards, which usually amount to the title of the award given; for example, (and I didn’t make any of these up, by the way) “Best All-Girl Group Sex Scene”, “Best Anal-Themed Series”, “Best Big Butt Series”, and “Best MILF Release” — among others.

So, for today’s blog, I thought I would list a few of the categories that caught my eye and held my interest, and the only reason why they would do either is cause I have a pal on the list, and I probably shot them, so I’ll link them to some free smut so you cheapies can whack it…oh! And I’ll add here that I want them (meaning my pals) to very much to win!

Best Actress

Monique Alexander, Cry Wolf, Vivid Entertainment Group
Roxy DeVille, The Texas Vibrator Massacre, Loaded Digital/Metro
Jessica Drake, Fallen, Wicked Pictures
Sasha Grey, The Last Rose, Wicked Pictures
Carmen Hart, Fired, Wicked Pictures
Jenna Haze, Not Bewitched XXX, X-Play/Adam & Eve
Jenna Jameson, Burn, Club Jenna/Vivid
Jesse Jane, Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge, Digital Playground
Janine, Pipe Dreams, Vivid Entertainment Group
Devon Lee, Succubus of the Rouge, Spearmint Rhino Films
Kaylani Lei, The Wicked, Wicked Pictures
Marie McCray, Angel Face, VCX
Bree Olson, Roller Dollz, Zero Tolerance/Adam & Eve
Kirsten Price, Mouth, Wicked Pictures
Savanna Samson, Miles From Needles, Vivid Entertainment Group

I am pulling for Roxy here. Bree’s got enough attention for her own good, and I don’t know Marie very well, but she seemed cool when we worked together. Besides, Roxy’s not the obvious choice here, as I hate the obvious…which, if I was a betting man, I’d call it for the very obvious Sasha Grey.

Best Adult Website


I don’t want any of these fuckers to win. Where’s Manojob? TheDickSuckers? Or, at the very fucking least, Blacks on Blondes?

Best Director – Ethnic Video

Mark Anthony, I Fucked You and Yo Mama 3, Evasive Angles Entertainment
David Aaron Clark, Asia Noir 6: Wicked Sex Trap, Video Team/Metro
Rick Davis, Little Red Rides the Hood 3, Black Market Entertainment
Alexander DeVoe, Freakaholics 2, Alexander DeVoe/Jules Jordan Video
Lee G, All That Ass: The Orgy 6, Black Ice
Jax, My Baby Got Back 44, Video Team/Metro
Jacob Jewel, Horny Latin Mothers 2, Evasive Angles Entertainment
Jules Jordan, Lex the Impaler 3, Jules Jordan Video
Shorty Mac, Cunts ’n Blunts, Black Market Entertainment
Kevin Moore, Asian Fever 34, Hustler Video
Jack Napier, It’s Big It’s Black It’s Jack 4, Vouyer Media
Brian Pumper, Gapeman, B. Pumper/Evil Angel
Justin Slayer, Big Booty White Girls 5, Justin Slayer International
Lexington Steele, Manhammer 8, Mercenary Pictures
L.T., Black Squirt, Elegant Angel Productions

Shorty Mac! Shorty Mac! Shorty Mac! I vote Shorty Mac!!!

Best Educational Release

Breaking Into Porn, Liquid Lust Productions
How to Eat Pussy Like a Champ, Seymore Butts/Pure Play Media
Nina Hartley’s Guide to Great Sex During Pregnancy, Adam & Eve Pictures
Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Hand Jobs, Vivid Ed
Personal Touch, Adam & Eve Pictures
Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to the G-Spot, Vivid Ed
Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Oral Sex 2: Fellatio, Vivid Ed

Tristan Taormino Tristan Taormino Tristan Taormino Tristan Taormino Tristan Taormino Tristan Taormino Tristan Taormino Tristan Taormino Tristan Taormino Tristan Taormino Tristan Taormino Tristan Taormino Tristan Taormino Tristan Taormino Tristan Taormino — cause she rules.

Best Fem-Dom Strap On Release

Babes Ballin’ Boys 18, Pleasure Productions
Fem Dom: Mean Girls, Toxxxic/Metro
Mistress Strap-On: Sado Bitch, Robert Hill Releasing
Master Len Presents Intense Fetish: Girls With Strap-Ons 844, Master Len Productions
MeanBitches Erotic Femdom 3, Kick Ass Pictures
Punished By Mommy, Kick Ass Pictures
Strap Attack 7, Joey Silvera/Evil Angel
The Violation of My Boyfriend’s Ass, White Ghetto Films

I just listed this one cause it makes me laugh so fucking hard. The Violation of My Boyfriend’s Ass!

Best High-Definition Production

Alexis Texas Is Buttwoman, Elegant Angel Productions
Bad Luck Betties, Vivid Alt
Carolina Jones and the Broken Covenant, Adam & Eve Pictures
Cheerleaders, Digital Playground
Dark City, Adam & Eve Pictures
The Doll Underground, Vivid Alt
Fallen, Wicked Pictures
Hearts & Minds II: Modern Warfare, New Sensations
High Definition, Club Jenna/Vivid
Icon, SexZ Pictures
Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge, Digital Playground
Roller Dollz, Zero Tolerance/Adam & Eve
Teradise Island 2, Teravision/Vivid
The Texas Vibrator Massacre, Loaded Digital/Metro
The Wicked, Wicked Pictures

I fucking hate this category. That’s the only reason I’m talking about it. No porn should ever be viewed in high-def. Save it for Animal Planet or some shit like that. Besides, all the fuckers involved with all these kinds of movies take themselves so seriously they all suck balls.

Best Male Newcomer

Jarod Diamond
Chris Johnson
Danny Mountain
Rocco Reed
Anthony Rosano
Johnny Sins
J Strokes
Keni Styles
Eric Swiss
CJ Wright
Prince Yahshua

A few of the dudes on this list are pals, so I’ll just go with the one who let me shoot him in a solo stroke flick, cause, as far as I’m concerned, that’s male talent who’s versatile and not a homophobe. Plus, he knocked up Eva Angelina, so Danny Mountain can’t be all that bad, right?

Best New Starlet

Lexi Belle
Tori Black
Chayse Evans
Jaelyn Fox
Jayden Jaymes
Nikki Jayne
Jayme Langford
Jandi Lin
Meggan Mallone
Priya Rai
Faye Reagan
Ryder Skye
Missy Stone
Angelina Valentine

I’m pulling for my very favorite Black Cock Slut here — Miss Fox — but something tells me Stoya’s got this one.

Best New Web Starlet

Kara Duhe,
Cute Joy,
Maitresse Madeline,
Candy Monroe,
Bree Olson,
Sofia Rain,
Selina 18,

This is a no-brainer. And it’s the last category I’m gonna talk about, cause my pie just got here, and it’s the very best pie in Los Angeles, and I’m hungry! But how can I not vote for Candy Monroe? I shot all that shit! Well, almost all of it, and as we sat there working, we would laugh our asses off, cause the content was so fucking crazy.

Best of luck Candy! You drove me crazy most of the time, but you’re still one of my all-time favs.

One thought on “The AVN Awards.”

  1. Billy, hi def is great! I personally like to see the stretch marks, crows feet, in-grown hairs, pimples etcetera on my favorite performers. It looks like I’m right there with ’em.

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