Super Fun E-Mails: “Whipper Billy Watson”.

The Minion Haley Scott

Freebird Michael Hayes writes:

Do you know Whipper Billy Watson existed? I always figured that he was your favorite wrestler as a kid growing up and that is why you took his name for the business you are in. Only hardcore wrestling fan nerds like myself would even know who Whipper Billy Watson was. Speaking of wrestling, as you probably can figure out, I used to be a huge huge wrestling fan. I was such a wrestling dork back in the 90’s that my friends and I would make road trips to the ECW arena in Philly to catch shows (I live in Florida). If I would have spent half as much of my energy in getting laid, as I did in trying to get to the ECW arena back in the 90’s, then maybe I would have had a chance with a chick like Jenny Reeder. But no, I thought I was cool back in the day. haha right.

My all time favorite wrestlers are the Freebirds, but I don’t remember seeing them in Highlander. Of course the last time I saw Highlander was back when Christy Canyon was the biggest new star in porn and Al Davis was relevant in the football world, so my memory might not be the greatest.

I hate to tell you this Billy, but I usually download porn off of various bootleg websites for free. I do subscribe to Hush Hush because they have a 4 day full access free trial period for $9.95, and every so often I sign up for that, and try to download as many free videos as I can in the four day window. If the BOB sites had that option, I would definitely do that as well. Tell your boss he should consider it.

My favorite site right now is actually the Minion site. And not because I care about seeing that fat assistant of yours bang some chicks. I like actually knowing that if those girls are fucking and sucking that guy, then they sure as shit would get with me. I will never be confused with Brad Pitt or George Clooney but I am definitely 10 times better looking than the Minion, and I know that if Haley Scott is suckin and fuckin the Minion, then there is no doubt in my mind she would get with me in a heartbeat. Does that make sense?


This weekend, while having dinner with my parents at Canter’s (1/2 a corned beef sandwich and a cup of Matzo Ball soup for all of us, thank you very much Mr. Canter!) my mother made a startling comment.

“My mom used to date a boy named Billy Watson before she got married.”

I just about choked on part of my matzoball, and if you’re a fan of matzoballs, you know this isn’t a very easy thing to do.

Of course I was talking to my folks about that I do for a living.

They know what I do for a living.

They know about gloryholes, and manojobs, and Chelci Fox, dick suckers, and spunkmouths, and ass eating, and interracial gangbangs.

They’ve even heard me exclaim — on more than one occasion — No Way Am I Gay!

But they never knew about Billy Watson, nor my blog. Actually I might have told them about ISP, but I don’t remember now.

My grandmother dated Billy Watson.

How fucked up is that?

I found out about Whipper while on a trip to Wikipedia to see if I was an entry. Talk about ego-tripping whilst surfin’ the net.

Does anyone even say they “surf” the net anymore?

But let me back up: before her starting comment, my mom asked, “so what’s your friend Adrianna Nicole’s real last name? I mean you all have fake names, right?”

Isn’t it funny when your parents ask about your freinds’ last names? You know it’s all part of the pseudo-subversive, fact-finding mission all parents embark upon…so, if I said “it’s Adrianna Finklestein” (it’s not) they’d know I was palling around with a Jew. Not that my parents are anti-Semites, cause they’re not, but you know what I mean.

I said, “yes, we all have fake names, and mine is Billy Watson.”

So now I’m sitting there realizing the fake porno name I chose years ago is the same name of a dude my granny was banging in, like, 1931.

Unless pre-marital sex didn’t go down in 1931 (of course it did, but not like today), or my granny was a prude (how creepy is thinking about your grandparents banging?), or she didn’t find her Billy Watson bangable (how creepy is thinking about your grandparents banging?).

Then, as quickly as I was blown away by this, I was over it. Probably cause I was at Canter’s, and my soup came out a little cold, so I wanted to finish it all up before it got ice cold.

Besides, Fran, our waitress, just dropped the corned beef sandwiches right down in front of us.

Then my dad asked, “how’s your business?”

I said, “Well, dad, it’s getting very difficult. People have no problem stealing intangibles. All these free downloads all over the place are killing the music industry and mine, too. And you know if they’re gonna steal music from their favorite bands, there’s no way they’re paying for porn. Let’s face it, we’re the bad guys. It’s OK to steal from us.”

To which my dad replied: “This matzoball soup is some of the best I’ve ever had! And look how lean this corned beef is! WOW!”

Finally, remember this, Freebird Michael Hayes — beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it has nothing to do with Haley Scott banging my very good brotha The Minion. You can bang her too! I’ll even give you her agent’s number, cause I’m sure she’s like all porn girls right now and dying for work. Just make sure you have her rate ($1000 for b/g), an AIM test, a model release, some lights (any old lights will do) and a camera when she comes walking into your cheesy porno motel room.

Don’t even sweat it if there’s a tape in the camera or not.

Just make sure your check clears…or, even better, pay her in cash.

The Minion Haley Scott

3 thoughts on “Super Fun E-Mails: “Whipper Billy Watson”.”

  1. Wow! Two comments in one day! As I was reading this I almost started thinking you might be Jewish, what with all the talk about chicken soup and corned beef with your parents. Then I came to my senses. I might have introduced you to my single cousin who is hot, lives in LA, and would have no problem dating a pornographer as long as he made some good coin and kept her in style, but No Way Does She Do Goy! so that’s no good. Then, I realized something that I have wanted to say here for a long time. Guys who look like The Minion get laid by hot chicks all the time, because in the real world, women don’t care what you look like, as long as they like you. Even guys like Billy Watson have sex. Even guys who look like me. Even guys who don’t even have all their back teeth get laid! It’s men who put such a high premium on looks, which is why we will pay JUST TO LOOK, although as Bill points out, it is easy to get pron for free now, so why pay? (I almost started feeling sorry for you, and was going to give the gift certificate of a subscription to one of your sites to a young man I tutor, but then I came to my senses. I mean, Bill, you’re not even Jewish! Besides, you lost me at the point where you say people have less scruples about stealing from pron makers than, say, musicians. I doubt this is true, since whoever is going to get something for free with little or no risk of punishment for it, is going to do it even if it music, or hours at the local day-care where they take the twins. If it is free, you take it.)

    I don’t know what Mr Freebird Blah Blah Blah Blah (sorry, can’t be bothered to scroll up) is going on about, but there is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for not having sex if you have a penis.


  2. I knew you were’nt jewish when I read you were eating at Canter’s. Dude, Greenblatt’s deli is right up the street at Sunset and Crescent Hgts….next to the laugh factory. 10 times better food and 100 times cleaner. Canter’s is only for drunks at 3am and for Rodney Bingenheimer!

  3. I should throw it out there from the beginning that I’m a libertarian. In our community of political and ethical idealists there’s a pretty deep division among our ranks on the idea of IP (that’s Intellectual Property for those of you not up on the lingo). I’d say that the split in reality might be about 60-40, most against.

    Generally you’ll find the ideological split defining itself most obviously on age lines, the older libertarians being supporters of IP, and the younger ones being opponents. Older libertarians seemed to be drawn in by the word “property”, and as they see themselves generally as defenders of property rights, it’s really a natural fit for them. They’re confused by the stance of the younger libertarians.

    Young folks look at the IP issue in the same way that Benjamin Tucker looked at it, rather than the way that Lysander Spooner did. Tucker viewed all property as a solution to an economic problem, and that problem is scarcity. Without scarcity there was no longer any need for the old economic rules of property rights, and so he denied them in non-scarce things like ideas.

    The change in the market structure that will occur with the end of IP will be pretty radical. Most opponents of IP believe that IP cannot exist without government support, and so with the smashing of the state will come the end of government granted monopolies in the form of IP. Musicians that have already given up on the old market structure have determined that live performance is the way to make money, while the digital recordings are given away for free.

    How could this be translated in porn? Simple. Prostitution. That’s a pretty dirty, and socially unacceptable word, but it gets across what I’m saying. What would be given away free are the digital recordings, but the money would be made in actual live performances. Some content creators might be scratching their heads and wondering, “Well what’s in this for me? How am I supposed to make a living?” The answer is that they’ll be paid by the actresses (or their representatives) to produce the best possible promotional material, and internal competition for such work will be maximized.

    Of course the obvious objection to this is the current illegal status of prostitution in the country, and the social stigma that such work carries in this relatively prudish nation. These are very weighty objections, but none that I think are insurmountable. A cultural change comes through direct action. And so I recommend (as I have before) rather than wasting our time voting, we should choose to actually do things. Direct Action, Not Politics, is the slogan.

    These are my initial thoughts on the matter, I’m sure I’ll refine them in the future.

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