The other day I was laying around with Maggie and reading God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything by a smarty-pants author named Christopher Hitchens.
“Hey Maggie, Mr. Hitchens argues here that if Jesus healed a blind man, why didn’t he just take care of blindness and knock that shit out altogether?”
Maggie looked up at me and said, “You dope. Don’t you know life comes with despair. It’s part of the deal! It’s just the natural order of things. It keeps us all humble. Besides, by that logic, why didn’t Jesus just grant everyone a Mercedes, a 10,000 square foot house with free utilities, and all the yummy biscuits one could eat…as sort of a birthright?”
“Touché!” I said. “You god damn Golden Retrievers are a smart breed. If I woulda asked a Dalmatian that question, who knows what kind of answer I woulda gotten!”
Then Maggie surprised me. “Hey, I want to be in one of your movies.”
“Sorry Maggie. I don’t make those kinds of movies. But if you want, book a plane to Paris. Those kooky French would love to watch a hot blonde lick you in some girl/girl action. Did I tell you about last summer? When I went to Rue Denis, and every single smut shop had a healthy section of bestiality. Women blowing goats, and horses, and doggies, too!”
Maggie said, “Most of your larger breeds — Great Danes, for example — are very well hung.”
“I know! Barbie Cummings wanted me to bring back of bunch of those movies, but they were very expensive, and I chickened out cause of Customs. But yea, Great Danes were all over the place. And Bull Mastiffs.”
Maggie said, “Well, that makes sense. Anyways, I don’t want a sex role! Just give me something small. Like a cameo of some sort.”
I thought about it for a while. Maggie put her head back down to snooze. I read a little more, and then said, “hey, I got Alexa Benson coming in to do a DP for Blacks on Blondes. You feel like working with her?”
Maggie asked, “What do you have in mind?”
“I dunno. How about Alexa is your master, and she’s walking you down the street in a questionable neighborhood, and you guys stumble upon a couple brothas?”
Maggie asked, “What kind of scene is Alexa doing?”
I said, “A DP.”
“DP?” Maggie asked.
“Double penetration,” I explained. “She’ll take a big black dick in her ass and one in her pussy.”
“Both at the same time?” Maggie asked.
“Yes mam!” I said.
“Oh, my!” Maggie said. Then, she growled, and let out a quick bark.
“Don’t get excited, Mags! They’re very popular amongst the members!”
Maggie then asked the inevitable. “How do you get cute girls to do things like that in front of a camera?”
“Money, my friend. Money.”
“I don’t really care about money. Can I get a few biscuits if you cast me?”
“I got one better, Mags. How about some of those beef sticks I get from Trader Joe’s?”
Maggie went berserk. She barked, and then tried to bite her tail. That lead into a furious spin, and then next thing I know she fell to the ground, dizzy and panting excessively. After she calmed down a bit, she looked up at me and asked, “Has Hitchens gone into the role religion played in the ethnic cleansing at Bosnia and Herzegovina?”
“I’m just about there. Now close your eyes and get some rest. We’ll talk about this later.”