One of porn’s greatest myths is the fluffer.

From the Urban Dictionary: 1. fluffer. (noun) a person in the adult entertainment industry whose job it is to give male porno stars blowjobs in order to get them ready to perform. Where’s my fucking fluffer, goddammit! 2. Fluffer. A fluffer prepares the cocks of pornstars for action on the set of an adult movie before the shooting of an explicit sex scene. That fluffer gobbled my knob with such vigor…that I almost blew yogurt raisens before my big scene! 3. fluffer. Pornographic film industry employee who is responsible for keeping male performers aroused (usually via oral sex) between takes during a shoot. Dammit, the lighting’s all wrong, we gotta change it. This will only be a couple minutes; have the fluffer work on Jeff to keep him ready.

Don’t get me wrong — fluffers exist. It’s just that you rarely ever see one. And usually a fluffer is nothing more than a porn whore on set who isn’t working. For example, a porn whore shows up on set with her girlfriend, and girlfriend is a porn whore too, and maybe she’s off that day, or she already did her scene…so she winds up hanging around set and the next thing you know she’s blowing the male talent.

It’s a scenario I’ve seen go down maybe once or twice.

As far as a porn girl working as a fluffer…well, shit don’t happen.

But I do have a fluffer story, and I think you’re gonna like it.

I’m in Vegas for a Porno Convention. Yep, porn’s an industry, and like all industries, we have conventions. Vegas is a popular destination for any type of convention, cause, well…you know.

Duh.

Anyway, I’m sitting at The Circle Bar with my lawyer, my male talent, and my new chick, and we’re waiting on Jaylynn Sinz. She’s today’s dicksucker, and she’s a good one.

Suddenly, I spot a little person intoxicated at the bar. Which is a nice way of saying I spotted a drunk midget — or a wasted dwarf.

To be completely accurate, this dude’s a dwarf, as midgets are very very rare, and you hardly ever see one; midgets are anatomically little straight across the board: their little fingers match their little heads match their little feet, whereas dwarves are a complete mess.

Turns out this dwarf bears a striking resemblance to Wee Man, Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O’s sidekick from Jack Ass. In fact, I’m convinced that it’s Wee Man, so I ask my lawyer if I should approach Wee Man and ask if he’ll let us film Jaylynn blowing him.

My lawyer looked at me like I was a retard.

So we both approach Wee Man, and he’s a jovial little guy, and the minute I ask if he wants to be in a porno, he loses his mind…in a good way. “FUCK YEA MAN! BRING ON DA BITCHES!!!”

“You’re Wee Man, right?”

“I’m Wee Mac!”

It’s loud in the bar, and I think part of me wanted so much for this to be the real Wee Man, cause I swore that’s what I heard: I’m Wee Man!

My lawyer was on it: he asked the little fellow what his real name was, and then, using his cell phone, he Googled Wee Man’s real name. Then, he looked at me and frowned, “He’s Wee Mac.”

Wee Mac laughed loudly and screamed, “I AM WEE MAC MOTHAFUCKERS AND I WANT MY DICK SUCKED!”

I looked at my lawyer and he looked at me. I said, “It’s still a midget getting blown by a hot porn chick. And he does look exactly like Wee Man. I think it’s good” and my lawyer said “fuck yea it’s good.”

Turns out Wee Mac has an adviser, and I had to talk to the adviser, and the adviser had to get on the phone and make a bunch of calls, and when it was all said and done I would have to pay Wee Mac in the “five figure range” to film him getting a BJ.

I passed.

That’s about the time Jaylynn showed up.

How did I get on midgets and dwarves and little people and Wee Mac and $10,000 BJ rates when this whole thing was supposed to be about fluffers?

Oh yea: as I’m working Wee Mac and his adviser, my male talent is working a sloppy drunk girl at the bar. And Sloppy Drunk Girl is intrigued that we’re Porno.

“I wanna be in a porno!” Sloppy Drunk Girl said.

I said “you can fluff.”

“What’s that mean?”

I defined it for Sloppy Drunk Girl, and she was down, and the next thing you know we’re in a room making dirty movies.

Drunk midgets and dirty movies and fluffers and Jaylynn Sinz blowing two dudes in a hotel room in Vegas while my lawyer snapped pictures.

And you thought your life was weird.