1) Ignoring The Blog: Let’s face it, I don’t have a whole lot left to say. The whole porn industry — from the barely-legals jumping off the bus at the Porn Valley Stop to whether or not we should be using condoms on Stunt Cock — is really a broken record. Oh sure…I could blog about my brand-new, age-inappropriate Porno Girl Friend, Mentally Challenged Stunt Cock’s feeble attempts to get back in my good graces, drug-addicted Porno Princesses, my somewhat-recent European adventure, CAL OSHA, et al…but I’m afraid that might bore you to tears. Well…Budapest was kinda cool, I don’t think I told you about the LA County’s inspection of my Smutty Studio, and, if history proves itself to be right (which you know it almost always does), my relationship status will again be “It’s Complicated” — which we all know is a fancy way of saying “I’m a Crazy Single Person”. The only way to make ISP a little bit interesting is maybe finally get around to attempting a book and posting excerpts here as I churn them out. The churning part is what’s so difficult.
2) NOBUNNY’s November 2 Gig: It was billed as “Night of the Living Dead Fest“: “an all-ages event showcasing artistic talent from all over United States. There will be national and local bands, live art, interactive coolness, unique wares and local vendors, a hand-crafted miniature golf course, rides, and much more..”. It was staged at Old Tucson, an old-tyme ghost town in the middle of the Sonoran Desert, and while a whole lot of interesting bands played, you know who I was there for. I’ll be the first to admit there’s something terribly wrong with me, and his name is NOBUNNY. Here’s the funny thing — the show sucked. His backing band was barely-ok, and I’m pretty sure the Love of My Life was sick — cause he hocked up some pretty gross loogies…the kind you can only spit when you’re under the spell of an extremely nasty chest infection. But the show must go on! And in the olde-tyme “Gamblin’ Saloon” I made a very important decision in my life — as NOBUNNY jumped on stage around 9 pm, the Meat Puppets were a song or two into their set on the Main Stage. OK…I just lied. There was no decision to be made. I sent a few text messages to my old buddies who were front-row center for The Pups, but how many more times do I really need to hear “Lake of Fire” or “Lost”? Don’ get me wrong — 25 years ago those tunes brought tears to my eyes. Anyway, my texts went unanswered, so I was all by myself when NOBUNNY pulled off his tighty-whiteys to reveal a shiny gold G-String…just as he ripped into “Chuck Berry Holiday”. It was then I knew I was in truly in love. But No Way Am I Gay.
3) Dallas Buyer’s Club: Hands down the film of the year. But who was better? McConaughey’s faggot-hatin’, dope-shootin’, rodeo hustler…or Leto’s cross dressin’, T-Rex lovin’ faggot? Oh yea…just once more: no way am I gay.
4) Disclosure’s Settle: From their Wiki page: “Disclosure are an English electronic music duo, consisting of brothers Guy and Howard Lawrence. The siblings grew up in Reigate, Surrey.” That sums up Disclosure. Now I’m gonna sum up my latest dilemma: my lovely, beautiful Porno Princess Girl Friend wants me to accompany her while we both do some Molly. My only experience with anything remotely similar took place in 1986, when, after a night of tossing drunks out of the uber-hip night club where I worked, my bartender buddy handed me a pill, told me to swallow it, and then drive to a near-by house party. In what might have been the dumbest moment of my life, I swallowed the pill after asking just one question: “What’s this?” “MDMA,” he said. “It’s brand-new. Legal in Texas! And it rocks!!” I had no idea what MDMA was, but I took it anyway (cause it was legal in Texas), left work, and failed to find any house party. I drove for hours. This depressed me more than anything ever had up to that moment in my life, and somehow I wound up at my parent’s house…silently weeping to late-night reruns. I was very worried they were going to wake up. And I cried hard when Otis the Drunk got tossed into jail. No lie. Anyway, if I make another dumb mistake, I’m just gonna make sure this record is on instead of TV.
5) Budapest, Hungary: The only reason Budapest makes my list is it’s the Porn Valley of Europe. That’s it. Nothing more. Cause if you’re not worried about a goddamned gypsy using their Shape-Shifter Majik to get your wallet, better keep your eye on the cabbie’s meter! And then once you jump out of your cab, watch your back cause the neo-nazi skinheads wearing English football jerseys will probably stomp you. Especially when chillin’ with a couple of my Blacks on Blondes co-workers. My ex-pat friend who lives there blames the country’s history on all the rude people. I’ll blame the amount of red meat in their diet. That and the weather.
6) The N Word: I get a lot of shit from some the dudes at the discussion board over at IR-Tube. They love to complain about my camera work and my cheezy porno story lines, but the thing that really drives them nuts is when the Porno Princesses drop the N Bomb on my set. I can’t blame the IR.Net dudes for that one. It’s an ugly word that needs to go away. But, like other terrible things — the national deficit or a Wendy’s Triple with cheese and bacon, for example — it’ll always be with us. Especially when all the hip, cool black dudes use it. The members at Black on Blondes go crazy for it, so much so that a girl who would normally score an “8” (out of 10) rating might get another point and a half if she calls her co-star that magical word. How in the world can I use “magical” to describe that terrible word? Well, cause the ONLY OTHER group of folks who love the N Word more than the racist bigots I refer to as “members” are the black guys my boss employs. Works better than Viagra, I’m tellin’ ya.
7) Valentina Nappi: Valentina Nappi is one of the few European Porn Stars who make their way to Porn Valley for work. She’s Italian, and when I tell you she out-fucks her male co-stars, she really does. In fact, she’s the only Porno Princess I’ve seen in the 11+ years I’ve been doing this who’s made Stunt Cocks tap out. No joke. After you watch the DP scene I shot with her, you’ll know Valentina’s The Real Deal.