Super Fun E-mails.


(Not the Real) Ron Jeremy writes:

Hi Billy,

I read your wussy, crybaby blog the other day. You know by now that I find your blog interesting and amusing and I think your a swell guy. With that said please don’t take my harsh words the wrong way as I am trying to help you. You mentioned your brain was toast and you were having writers block. Perhaps you’d feel better if you DROPPED A FEW POUNDS OFF OF YOUR LARD ASS! There is no excuse to be looking the way you do. I read one blog where you commented that you were 25lbs overweight. Ha, I think you were being kind to yourself, 50 lbs is my guess. If you don’t do something now the picture won’t get any prettier. At the rate your going in 5 years you’ll look like jabba the hut! Here is what you can do to see results within 2 weeks:

1. Don’t know if you drink soda but if you do, stop and only drink water

2. For breakfast have just fruits like bananas, oranges, etc.

3. For lunch have a big salad, put tons of meat in it.

4. For dinner stick with either chicken, steak or fish with veggies (nonstarch ones, no potatoes).

5. Lay off breads and anything containing high frustose corn syrup (that shit is awful for you)

6. Take off the stupid Birkenstocks, put on the sneakers and run your fat ass around the block. Exercise! Your into music, setup your ipod and workout. This can be your billy time, time where you can think about stuff or nothing at all.

Losing weight and exercising will make you feel better, hence will give you blog ideas. Maybe you will feel studly and in closer touch with your id and you will bang more girls. That in turn would also help your blog so we could read better sex stories instead of “i haven’t been laid for 4 months”. You are in a stressful line of work filled with scummy agents, manipulative and opportunistic sluts, crazy negroes and more. You need to treat yourself right when it comes to diet and exercise. Best of luck.

Your Pal



What a nice way to return to blogging…that is, if I return to it on any sort of regular basis. See, truth is I’m kinda tired of blogging, and, honestly, I’m not sure I have much more to say. I mean how much more can I say about what I do for a living? I could sum it all up as follows:

The bitches are manipulative and opportunistic sluts.

There’s lots of scummy agents.

There’s money in it.

The dudes are, in fact, mostly crazy, and mostly negroes.

There’s lots of sex in it.

The End.

See? Just summing it up like that makes me wonder how I ever managed to bang out 371 of these.

Now, on to your e-mail. Very funny, funny man. I laughed hard. Dude — let’s get a few things straight: I’m closer to 30 pounds overweight than 50; I love my Birkenstocks; nothing tastes yummier after a kushy bowl of OG Kush than anything with a whole lotta high fructose corn syrup in it; and finally, the songs on my iPod are way better than yours.

I almost feel like taking you up in your challenge, Mister Jeremy. Five years ago, when I was teaching, I was also running and watching what I shoved in my pie-hole…and damn, the byatches I taught at that little community college thought I was the best thing since Tom Cruise.

Or Justin Timberlake.

Or George Clooney.

Or Richard Gere.

You get it.

So yea, maybe it’s time to start getting some of that fine lovin’ once again. Shit, maybe if I get really into shape, and can run for miles and miles, maybe Miss Wolfe will like me.

Or LC.

Or Barbie Cummings.

Or anyone of the handful of the super foxy ladies who call me Mister Billy Watson.

Oh, and by the way, the fatso in the portrait is Daniel Lambert, one of England’s most obese men ever in the whole history of England, which, as we all well know, is a country with quite a history. He didn’t live too long, and he clocked in at over a Nickel.

Which is 500 pounds.

And that’s a whole lot of man to love.

I bet Barbie Cummings would have loved him — at least for a little while.

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