I Want A New Girlfriend. (Not Like I Had an Old One.)

Hayden Winters hand job movies
I want a girlfriend that isn’t a whore. Is that really so much to ask?

Not that being a whore is a bad thing; in fact, I’ve said it more than once: if I had a pussy, it would be for sale. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a whore — I just don’t want one for a girlfriend.

Let’s face it, too: most girls in today’s society are whores, trained by their parents to be whores…only they don’t realize it. Neither do their parents.

“Marry a doctor. Marry a lawyer. Make sure your husband has a good job!”

Whore Training 101.

Do I sound angry? Cause I’m not. Really. I am not angry. I just want a girlfriend whose pussy doesn’t have a meter on it. Is that so much to ask?

Well sure it is. Cause I make dirty movies for a living. And starting out any sort of relationship based on a lie ain’t a good thing. It certainly isn’t my style, either.

When we meet people, invariably one of the very first things that comes up is, “what do you do for a living?” It usually pops up right after “what’s your name?” It’s human nature, right?

So, a few days ago, on my return trip from vacation, my seat wasn’t anywhere near my Porno Princess pal’s seat (for the simple reason that when we booked the tickets, the plane was already full). No big deal, but it became a huge deal when two super hot nurses from Santa Barbara sat down next to me. Not one, but two!! They initiate conversation! Woot woot!! And sure enough, not two minutes into the deal, one Hot Blonde Nurse says, “So what do you do for a living, Billy?”

Of course this isn’t the first time someone’s asked me what I do for a living, and depending on who you are, and the mood I’m in, here’s my reply from the pool of stock answers I draw from:

1) I design web sites.

2) I write back-end coding for internet commerce.

3) I make dirty movies.

Of course #1 and #2 and outright lies (and generally one of the answers I use when talking to, say, hot blonde nurses from Santa Barbara); I have designed a few things, but for print only, and the last time I coded anything was in my 11th grade computer class — using mostly Basic (and a little PASCAL). President Reagan just entered office, and one of my very favorite records of all-time was brand-new: London Calling. Which means if anyone presses me further on Lie #2, I have to immediately capitulate and offer up a “terrible confession”; in reality, I “manage a team of outsourced labor from the Philippines”. Some people really get pissed at me for this, which, of course, means I probably woulda been better off telling them #3.

We all know #3 is The Truth, and I’ll usually tell The Truth when talking to dudes (who immediately put me on a pedestal of some sort), or anyone I grew up with. Sometimes I’ll use #1 or #2 with an old high school buddy, but lately I don’t give a fuck anymore, so most people who have known my real name before I got into this biz (8 years this month!) get answer #3.

With Super Hot Nurses, I chose #2, cause I knew they’d wouldn’t have follow-ups. And it turns out one of the super hot nurses is from a small town in NorCal, the same small town where a Porno Princess I’m very friendly with lives. I knew they were about the same age, too, so I asked Super Hot Nurse if she knew Porno Princess…but (of course) I used the Porno Princess’s real name.

“Oh my god you know her?!”

“I do. We’re pretty good friends.”

Then Super Hot Nurse looked at me kinda strange and said, “how exactly do you know her?”

“We have mutual friends.” I was getting ready to lie (if needed) but I didn’t have to.

“We used to be best friends. Then, she…um, changed.” And Super Hot Nurse immediately changed the subject. So it’s good I didn’t tell The Truth to the Super Hot Nurses, which, in the end didn’t matter, cause thinking about having to eventually tell either one of them what I do for a living depressed me so much I kinda quit paying attention to them.

Did I tell you I have a buddy going back to 6th grade who refuses to speak to me now? He’s a big wig in Christian Circles, raising all sorts of money for All Things Christian, so it kinda makes sense he keeps his distance. Still, it kinda hurts my feelings. He could at least say “what’s up?” in an e-mail or something.

You should see me at any function in which extended family show up. I lie my ass off. My poor Grandma has some sort of vague notion that I sell something over the internet, but to this day she’s never asked for specifics; instead, she’ll ask me, “Oh Billy! It’s sooo good to see you? How’s things? How’s your business?”

Sometimes I tell her I’m great, and sometimes I’ll tell her things are slow, but I’ll never say, “well Grandma, today was interesting! A porn actress named Tori Luxx had a panic attack when Byron Long tried to stick his 10″ black cock up her shit pipe. It kinda fucked things up, but she got her head together, and she did a great DP.”

“What’s a DP Billy dear?”

“A DP, Grandma, is an acronym for double penetration.”

“Double penetration?” Grandma asked.

“Yes, my dear Granny…it’s when a man sticks his penis in a girl’s vagina while another man is sodomizing her at the very same time; hence, double penetration.”

Uh huh…right. Imagine having that conversation with your Nanna over Thanksgiving turkey.

My folks know what I do for a living. My mom hates it. My dad asks me questions from time to time, and never when my mom is with us. Kinda creepy, huh?

I’m a pretty average lookin’ dude who’s 30 pounds overweight, which means I seldom pull a chicks out of bars for one-night stands. But a few years ago I walked into a bar in Scottsdale, and I made eye contact with a hottie who made — and kept — eye contact with me. Holy shit! It was like Christmas morning! I was a bit buzzed, and feeling kinda good about things, so I marched up to her with the confidence of a small army and struck up conversation. Everything was working well, and we were through a few beers when the inevitable came up: “So Mr. Watson, what do you do to make your money?”

“I make dirty movies for a living.” Like I said, I was buzzed (drunk by now) and I figured fuck it. She’s digging on me. I’ve got this one in the bag.

“Excuse me?” she asked. Her tone of voice completely different.

“I make dirty movies for a living.” (With not so much confidence.)

“Oh Billy! You’re soooo funny! Seriously…what do you do for a living?”

I told her again, with a little bit more explanation. “Ever see Boogie Nights?” (She had). “I’m like the character Burt Reynolds plays in that movie.”

“Um…ok. So what movies do you make?”

“Well, the business is really internet based now.” I wanted to change the subject, but I didn’t know how to segue out of porn and into, say, music.

“Do you like Wilco?” I asked.

She said, “what internet sites do you work for.”

I knew where this was going, so fuck it — “I shoot for a site called Blacks on Blondes. I also shoot something crazy where we take girls out to a public bathroom to perform anonymous sex acts with whatever stranger shows up…it’s called Glory….”

I didn’t even get “hole” out of my mouth before she turned and walked away. I mean she fucking hauled ass. She even left her beer. I kinda felt like the Elephant Man, just after pulling the hood of his head. It was great.

So now what do I do?

I kinda want a girlfriend who isn’t a whore.

I love whores.

I just don’t wanna date one.


Plenty of Fish?

Drop 30 and start writing the ad?

That would make for some interesting blog fodder, which, at this point in time, wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Blog my dates with girls who aren’t in the sex biz.

But do I include what I do for a living in the ad…or wait for the first date — and the fallout?

18 thoughts on “I Want A New Girlfriend. (Not Like I Had an Old One.)”

  1. If you wait to tell them what you do for a living, it will be more interesting for us: fireworks, etc. If you come clean in the ad, Mr Watson, I do believe you will find someone who’s cool with “it”. There really is someone for everyone.

  2. Drop the weight. Fuck the ad. That shit eats it. Let’s face it, if YOU’RE (And I say that in the generic sense of you as an individual so devoid of confidence you seek dates from people you can’t even fucking see) posting there it’s for losers. Since chicks can pull twice their attractiveness weight in dick out of any decent bar in the country the chicks on those dating sites have to be serious fucking losers. Don’t go there.

    Go out to a bar at least three times a week. Change bars every week or two. You’ll eventually run into somebody with whom you have a mutual attraction thing. It’s human nature. With any luck it’s not a dude in a dress (Unless you dig that, no skin off my dick either way), and nature takes it’s course from there. When it’s over, rinse and repeat with the added confidence of the first success.

    Don’t get married.

  3. Keep dating porn girls and sex workers, just older ones. Find yourself a nice milfy maiden who is cool with the porn world and teach her to do editing and updates. You’re never going to be some PTA dad in the straight world but you can be the John Doe and Excene of porn.

  4. All the peeps who find porn dirty or amoral are old and dying out. Especially here in my part of Europe. It’s a fucking job, who cares. There’s nothing sacred or exceptional about sex. Sell it, film it or keep it in the bedroom, whatever. Old notions are long lived, but they seem to die out with the younger generations. Fuck those old time morals and shit! There’s no room for that bullshit in the future.

  5. First off, thanks for the blog, Billy. We do enjoy reading it and you’re writing is fantastic.

    I think you’re close to having this figured out. You’re right, you don’t want a whore. What you want is a slut. The key difference is that a slut is just an amateur whore. When you remove the money from the equation it makes a slut much easier to get along with than a whore.

    Ok, now how do you meet a slut is the question. My recommendation is to use either lifestylelounge.com or adultfriendfinder.com. Yeah, AFF f*cking blows because of all the spam accounts, but it’s still one of the most used places out there. You’re an excellent writer, so use that skill to seduce your newly found slut. Believe it or not, there’s some great people out there who are pretty accepting of others’ kinks and actually looking for a relationship.

  6. I think it would be really interesting to blog about your dates with non-porn industry girls. Obviously, at certain points it would be probably make for some really uncomfortable situations and writing about them may make you relive it all…but hell that’s what this blog is about! Reliving to make sense of it all…and hopefully to get a few more fans, readers, and/or paying customers.

  7. The picture in this one links to Hayden Winters @ Monojob but the trailer in her page we are linked to doesn’t work…

    just an FYI 😉

  8. I’d vote for drop the weight. The rest will work itself out…If you drop 30 it would give me confidence to do the same…since we are about the same age.

  9. Maybe you should seriously consider just getting out of the biz? I know times are hard and the job market sucks, but after reading your blog awhile there is a consistent theme to your posts – the biz (on the whole) sucks, no money in it anymore and it affects your mental health in a bad way. Sometimes you have to do the ‘right’ thing for you, which isn’t necessarily the ‘easy’ thing.

    While I enjoy your blog, I’d feel better if you hung it up and were happy than continuing on unhappy.

  10. Just be honest dude, full sincerity goes a long way. Sometimes it doesn’t go your way, but, fuck, at least you’re honest with yourself man. And with that, you’ll always keep your self respect even if the ignorant bitch gets to step’n. Remember who you are, what you stand for and believe, and that your dick has been in Gianna Michaels’ mouth. So, suck it bitches, go marry a doctor who’ll you’ll never see, but keeps you as trophy. Fuck it, marry a Lawyer since you know his lying ass wont cheat on you.

    Just remember Billy, behind every gorgeous married woman is a married man, bored of fucking her.

    I would just like to add this is my first comment, I appreciate the funny shit you write about. A good read with a late night bowl of cereal.

  11. hey bill, long time no nuthin…I agree with some of the above. you do not have to lose weight. you go out to any place where you like the people, and when someone asks you the question what you do for a living you tell the truth…most are gonna bail as you know but if there is someone for you (and there is someone for everyone, as any trip to walmart will prove) sometime, someone you like is gonna say, “oh, cool, I love to watch porn” and you’re off to the races. having a relationship has to be done the way everyone does it: you meet, you like them, they like you, you fall in love. No special arrangements for pornographers. Being honest is a prerequisite.

  12. Go for alternative / fetish chicks who are more likely to be “sex positive” and not give two hoots about your job – ro even find it a turn-on.

    Most of the girls in that scene are intelligent & good fun, too

  13. So…let me ge this straight. You can fuck pretty much ANY porn whore you want or at least get blown by any one of them ANY day of the week…yet you are bitching that you want a real girlfriend…DUDE PUT DOWN THE FUCKING CRACK PIPE!

    The grass in NOT greener on my side of the fence.

  14. Sorry to hear, lonesome friend. Just be honest with the women that you meet. And don’t date whores anymore- all they want from you is work and money. Look at your history…see any trends? What these morons in your comment section don’t realize is that shit gets boring and lonely after a while, and at the end of the day it sucks going home to an empty house. I hope you meet someone that wants you for you, dearest Billy, because you are a cool, smart cat with a lot to offer a lucky lady. The best of luck to you!!!

  15. Why?

    I mean, if nothing is wrong with whores, why do you want your girlfriend not to be one?

    I think you owe us an answer to that 😉 “us” being all the guys who have non-whore girlfriends and fantasize about porno whores at night.

    I mean, porno princesses seem to be easy going, pretty and uhm… brave(?) Oh, and they can suck dick like pros. What more can you ask for? Seriously. I’d love to know.

  16. I think you’re going to have a hard time trying to find any normal girl when you shoot porn for a living. I love your website but most women who will be “okay” with you filming porn will probably be pretty whoreish.

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