Super fun eMails: The newest Dick Sucker line up.

Miley Ann
I woke up this morning at 4.30am, ready to roll. That’s what jet lag and time zones do to you. I liked Amsterdam; I didn’t love it. I came home to 22 voice mails and 17 text messages and a whole month of work in front of me. As I was wading through my e-mails this morning, I got this from my old pal Emmitt concerning my blow job site, The Dick Suckers…and it teaches me one thing — no matter how hard you try, you can’t please everyone:

Just sitting here and wondering why the fuck I have 200 channels of NOTHING to watch on television. Seinfeld reruns and Sportscenter are still the bulk of my viewing, it seems. And for this I shell out $65 a month? Yeesh.

Figured I’d drop you a note and give the newest lineup my well-seasoned eye in review.

What else is there, right?

Miley Ann: What a clean looking lil cupcake you have there. Miley blends that “good gal” look with an eagerness to trouser-dive, with just a dash of mischievous eyes to really grab a guy. I’m reminded of a young Mary Tyler Moore, eager to make her way in the big, bad city. Trust me, she will.

London Keyes: A better name might have been Tokyo Snooze. Have to confess I’m not a big Asian lover, but I can certainly see the appeal overall. But this girl is flat performance-wise. It’s okay to be focused when you’re working the eggroll, but this little geisha forgets there’s more to a menu than bringing out the food. Check, please!

Suzanne Kelly: I once cheated on a girl named Kelly, with a girl named Suzanne. That has nothing to do with this of course, but mentioning it pads my word count. This gal is serviceable. And….um….she has really long hair.

Sammie Spades: Something about Sammie I like. The Pippi Longstocking look doesn’t work here, but there’s a face on her that holds a future MILF hottie. Sammie might be one of those gals (Kylie Worthy) that doesn’t come into her own until later in the game than most. Patience, peckers. It’ll come.

Charlotte Vale: I have to recuse myself from this review in the interest of fairness. This girl took my order for new tires at Sears and I’m not really comfortable commenting until I get my car back. Sorry.

Vanessa Leon: “I like to be in America. Okay by me in America”. Seriously, Vanessa picks up the Hispanic banner icons like Vanessa Del Rio carried years ago, and she does it proud. A bit too quiet maybe, Vanessa has “the look” to go far. Now, about that green card…..

Reena Sky: Saucy, hot, and eerily reminds me of an aunt of mine whose panties I once swiped. Who cares? I still approve.

Taylor Thomas: Taylor looks like a nice-looking chick. She’s quiet, and from the looks of things not very long for the porn world. That’s okay. Plenty of room for those types whose stay in the biz is measured in days, not years. She’ll leave the biz, marry, buy a minivan and get fat. It happens. Thanks for the memories, sweetie.

SunSet Diamond: Has anyone ever seen Sunset Diamond and Tonya Harding in the same room? Just wondering. Similiar performances though. Neither were good.

Jasmine Jolie: This is what porn is about. Great work from this sleaze-warrior. Judging from the nips I’d say there’s a little mileage on the treads, but man, this filly can still haul lumber. Nice!

Jessica Woods: Nothing to see here. Move along. Trust me.

Natalia Rossi: Ever work out at the gym or shop at a grocery and see a really hot chick but you’re afraid to approach? This is Natalia Rossi. Very hot!

Amy Starz: Cute. Eager. Annoying.

Lexi Diamond: This Latina has one of the prettiest fucking faces on the site. Truly. Besides the absolute flat tits, she has everything she needs to go very far in the business. She looks at you and…..oh shit, gotta beat off again.

Allie Foster: This chick has an interesting, complimentary face. She’ll never headline, but she might qualify as an occasional tail gunner or wingman. The problem is her body. It looks like it’s been squished-down somehow, almost like a dwarf. She needs another 3 inches in height to offset the appearance.

Faye Reagan: Well sir, it looked good in the window, but when I got it home…..

Jordan Blue & Brittany Angel: I gotta make special mention here. I ever hit the lottery, I’m booking a limo and these two ladies for a weekend. Jordan personifies the bleach-blonde plastic Goddess I hope to someday marry, while Brittany has always shown some great range in her looks and scenes. Man, to be the filling in this sandwich.

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