It’s tough being in the porno biz and maintaining any sort of “normal” relationship. Let’s face it: it’s tough being alive today and maintaining any sort of “normal” relationship. Add porno into the mix, and you’re doomed. At least that’s been my experience.

It’s a catch-22, really. “Normal” girls – the ones outside my business – will have nothing to do with a porno dude, whether or not he’s in front of (or behind) the camera. Trust me, I know. Even the ones who are really into sex draw the line when you admit you make a living from porn.

And porn girls? They’re so fucking crazy anyone would have to be crazier to date one of them.

So, for what seems like forever, I’ve been single. And before forever, I spent 6 months in a long-distance relationship with G that was nothing more than arguing over the phone whenever I was in LA working; and to complicate this, G had moved away two years earlier, after a nasty break-up.

And in between the time G moved away and we got back together with our long-distance shit, I spent a year living with S. She would scream at me whenever I was in LA working. My fondest memories of with S were the 2 am phone calls, after she had “found” me surfing one of my sites, then wake me up from a sound sleep, weeping:

that’s you fucking that whore Ice LaFox …you can’t fool me!

no Honey Bunny, that’s Jeremy Steele.

that’s you fucking that whore Fiona Cheeks …you can’t fool me!

no my Love, I told you already, I don’t fuck these girls. Fionna jacked me off as part of the scenario. That’s not sex! Anyway, an Aussie guy whose name I can’t remember is banging her, and if it would make you happy I’ll find his model release and show it to you.

that’s you fucking that whore Chloe Dior …you can’t fool me!

no Sweetie Pie, that’s Tyler Durden…please look closely…he’s got a Big Porn Star dick and I’ve got an Average Joe dick.

that’s you fucking that whore Sally Rodeo …you can’t fool me!

no Pookie, that’s Trevor, look closely at his face…does he really look like me?

And honestly, I don’t blame G or S. Not one bit. I wouldn’t have tolerated me, either.

Being single isn’t a bad thing; in fact, most of the time I love it. There’s nights I feel a bit lonely, and it’s those times it would be nice just laying next to someone, talking about whatever there is to talk about. Or just laying there and holding someone. Or, God forbid, doing both! I guess what I’m trying to say is maybe I’m ready to have a girlfriend.

Who knows.

I shot a girl last month who, on the surface, is about as even-keeled as anyone I’ve met in this business. I shot her again a few days later; and then, on my last trip to LA, I shot her one more time. She’s not a typical porno girl: she’s not into getting high; there’s no suitcase pimp following her around; and probably the best part…she’s got an IQ that actually registers in the triple digits.

After sleeping on it for a few days, I put the word in to her agent. I also flirted with her the best I could, and I asked for her number, and I smiled whenever I was around her cause that’s the way she makes me feel…especially when she handed me a little piece of paper with her number scribbled on it.

I used to hate text messages, but I see now there’s a place for them, so our first round of vollies comes in that form – let’s hang out – OK! 🙂 – let’s have dinner – OK!! 🙂 and bladda bladda blah.

Next up: a late-night phone call that lasted almost 90 minutes. I haven’t talked on the phone to any one person that long since 1992.

During our concersation, we planned some time to hang out; and when that time came, I called her to confirm, and she sounded excited. Of course I’m excited. And less than 10 minutes later my phone rings, and it’s her.

Sore throat. Really bad. Hurts something awful. My agent has to take me to Emergency Care. I can’t swallow. It shouldn’t take long…wanna try for later tonight?

I bite my lip and tell her sure thing. Then I remind her how long it takes to get anything done in Emergency Care, and maybe it would be best to reschedule. She agreed.

I’m also a bit curious as to what transpired in the 10 minutes she went from being excited about Hanging Out Time to Emergency Room Time, and I started to think this is what you get for asking a porno girl out on a date…and then I realized my pal Jimmy Hat had just spent the whole day with her. I mean that very day. Shot her for hours.

Of course I call him to see what’s up, and sure enough, she never once mentioned anything to Jimmy about a sore throat. Not a thing. In fact, she left his place with a slice of pizza and a smile on her face. Jimmy ended my call with something like, “dude, what the fuck are you thinking about asking a porno whore out on a date? Why don’t you just pay for a POV or something?”

“I have a feeling this girl is different…I dunno.”

“Dude, you’re on crack. If you need a friend, come have dinner with me.”

So I did. Cause I did.

As I’m leaving to meet up with Jimmy, I get an apologetic text message, with a reassurance she really did want to have dinner…and can we try again?

We set a time for the Wednesday night – around 7.30.

So why not fast forward to Wednesday night, 7.30? Cause at that time I’m over at Chico Wang’s with The Minion, and Chico, and Hung Lo, just talking shop. But I’m not really all there, cause I’m waiting for a phone call from a girl. She’s on set, doing a BJ scene, and trust me, if someone would have told me a year ago I’d be waiting on a girl to finish up blowing a dude before I took her on a date, well…I’d have punched their teeth loose.

Anyways, I’m waiting on my date to finish blowing a dude before I take her out.

Soon it’s 8, and then it’s 8.30, and I’m being patient while The Minion shows me clips from ECW (when it was good) but I’m really not paying much attention cause I’m waiting for a phone call from a girl.

At 9 my phone rings.

Turns out my date is on her way to Brandon Iron’s for another scene. To blow more dudes. I want to ask her about our 7.30 gig, but I don’t; again, I bite my lip and hang up just as Sabu takes out whoever it is he’s wrestling.

The Minion smiles.

I frown.

Then I think fuck this…I’m all done. This is all done. Done before it even got a chance to start.

If it was only that easy.