MD writes:

…I’ve been a regular reader for some time now but never really felt the need to write, I came across a few things that compeled me to send a note. I started to read your blog entry about the big turd and I thought, holy crap he’s going to rip off Sedaris, I’m so glad that you didn’t as that would have really sucked, Me Talk Pretty One Day is truly hilarious. I recently turned 30 and sure enough I had a panic attack, just like the one you wrote about, I pretty much thought I was going to die, I’ve had a few since then and have started to take some medicine, which has had an unfortunate side effect, any suggestions on kicking a Xanax habit?

Anyway I love that you can provide some of the behind the scences stuff about porn girls, I find that to be much more interesting than the actual porn itself. With that being said, do you have any interesting stories about two of my fav porn girls, Trisha Marx and/or Molly Mason? Just curious.

Oh and I just finished Chuck Paulianiak’s new book Snuff, I was wondering if you had a chance to read it and what you thought about it, what do you think about other things like Wonderland and Boogie Nights?
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MD:

Anxiety attacks…pure misery.

The first woke me from a troubled sleep at 4am Dallas, Texas, time, somewhere around 1991 or so; I had returned earlier than night from seeing Bob Mould play a solo acoustic set, and I was excited to catch it, cause The Huskers had called it quits a few years earlier, and even though I was a big fan, I never managed to see them live. And I don’t think Sugar was around yet…but I might be wrong.

A really good, super sweet anxiety attack will make you feel like you’re about to die: the throat closes up, breathing is heavy and forced, surreal out-of-body sensations abound, as well as an overwhelming sense of dread.

Do not take Xanax. That shit is best used when you’re drunk and you’ve got a naked Barbie Cummings in the room, and only under those circumstances. Since that doesn’t happen very much, you won’t get hooked.

I don’t know you, bro, but my guess is you could lose some weight, exercise, and see a good therapist. That took care of my attacks.

Molly Mason and Tricia Marx are out of the game, and probably for good…but you never know. Both were fun fun fun and it’s too bad they’re gone, but let’s face it — porn isn’t a very good thing for a girl to do, especially over the long haul.

Wait, maybe it’s better if they’re in it for the long haul than as some sort of temporary fix…a career choice versus paying off credit card bills from over-spending at Victoria’s Secret.

I dunno.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t know very much at all. I haven’t even been reading, although I started No Country for Old Men (third time without finishing) as well as a book about HST that Ralph Steadman wrote. As far as movies, I haven’t see anything good in a long time either, and I hated “Wonderland”, but I love “Boogie Nights”.

I think I hated “Wonderland” cause it did such a fine job describing the miscreants that used to abound in my business, but are slowly fading away.

Remember “Casino”? If nothing else, the movie was a good history on Vegas, and I actually see parallels to Porno Land: once upon a time Vegas was run by the mob, but the mob sold out to Howard Hughs, and he sold out to all the big corporations.

In the old days, when you couldn’t pay the casino to settle up at the end of your trip, a dude named Vito smashed your hand with a ball-peen hammer. If you did it again, you ended up in a hole in the middle of the desert. Don’t pay them back now at the end of your stay now and you’ll get billed, and, eventually, if you don’t pay up you won’t get asked back again. Eventually, the worst that would come of it is a drop in your credit score.

Porno Land used to be run by its own “mob”, so to speak, and that mob didn’t really sell out…they just couldn’t figure out how to change. Now, for the most part, big corporations are running the show, and things in Porno Land are…well, a lot nicer.

Kinda like Vegas.

Maybe it’s time to make a “nice” movie about the porn biz: tell a story about how everyone’s friendly, and how girl’s have a “No List” so they don’t have a “work” with guy(s) they don’t like, and how much fun everyone’s having, and all the parties and red-carpet events, and how we’re all just like a tight little family, laughing all the way to the bank.

I’m serious! Porn Valley is a much nicer place, and way more professional, and everyday, when people ask me how I’m doing, I just tell them “I’m living The Dream!” In fact, I have to get back to my The Dream — the girl just cleaned the jizz off her from another superb Manojob scene, and it’s time to thank her for the wonderful work she did and cut her a check.

And I’ll do it with a smile on my face.