Super Fun E-Mails: “The First Step from Annette Schwartz to Annette Watson”

annette schwartz

Z. writes:

If you really want to learn German, i feel the need, to help you. If you really want to marry Annette Schwartz, you should definitly learn German.

Try this: “Annette, deine Augen haben die Farbe eines Bergsees”

That means something like: “Annette, your eyes have the color of a lake in the mountains”. Maybe thats a little too greasy and this would never be a pick-up line in one of your films, but maybe you are going to loose contact to real-life, ’cause someone who’s friend can’t join him on a trip to flea market ’cause she has to clean her butt before doing an anal-scene, might be on a highway straight to loosing contact to real-life.

Now this could be the perfect time to discuss what is more real-life: a porn flic or some Jessica Biel movie. That’s another story….

You may ask, why i want to help you. It’s easy. Reading your blog makes me laugh. You brighten my day, thats why it is the least for me to help you marry Annette Schwartz. And, as long as you are going to marry Anette Schwartz, i could marry Spring Thomas.

Your pal,

BTW: Don’t mention Kraftwerk. It might be the only German band known in the USA, but nobody never ever hears them here in Europe. Never.


A long time ago I had a black light in my bedroom — along with black light posters, hanging on the wall. Some of you might not know about The Power of The Black Light, but I do. Oh! I know!

Whenever I had a girl come over, and I knew my parents were asleep for the night, I’d kill the regular lights and flip the switch: suddenly, there was this purple-ish hue to the room, and it would get very dark (but still there was enough light to see) and my black light posters would come alive.

The posters! Usually tigers in jungles, Bruce Lee, or my favorite bands at the time: Zep, Floyd, and Aerosmith.

Under that Purple Glow o’ Love, I’d drop the needle on the record. And it was very important to choose only the most righteous of music when The Black Light powered on; mood was necessity, and it had to be just right.

Most of the time it was Pink Floyd (“Dark Side…” or “Wish You Were Here”). Sometimes Zep III (only side 2). On rare instances, (*gasp!*), Genesis — but hey, gimme a break — it was only ever “The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway”.

Well, only Genesis when Peter Gabriel was on the mic.

Oh! How could I forget Kraftwerk’s “Autobahn”.

So watch it, Z, cause I got my fair share of sloppy handjobs while enjoying that record, and, since the whole first side was one song (over 20 minutes long, too!), by the end of it — if I played my cards right — there’d be a gooey load all over my tummy and my gal would be tip-toeing it into my bathroom to get a warm washcloth in order to cleanse my loins.

Then, side 2!

Lastly, I don’t wanna marry Annette anymore. Don’t get me wrong; I’m still ausgeflippt over her, but I just happen to know she’s been cheating on me with an Italian, and I caught that silly minx red-handed.

Which means I’m back to being Lonely Guy Searchin’ For Luv.

black light posters

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *