In 1975, I learned to beat off by watching a kid called “The Hammer” do it in a fort made from refrigerator boxes behind an apartment complex that was under construction — but close to being finished. I was 11 years old, and I wasn’t the only one there. It was a circle jerk, and there were 5 or 6 of us — maybe more, cause that’s part of the memory I can’t recall exactly…but it’s something I’ll never forget. Just like you’ll never forget the way you learned how to masturbate.
Looking back at it now, I wish beating off was something I just kinda stumbled upon, which I think is the way most girls learn how to masturbate…but I could be wrong about that. Instead, on a nice day after school, I hauled ass to the apartment complex after dumping my school stuff in my room. It was directly across the street from where I lived, which was a suburb on the east side of Chicago.
We all hauled ass, because we walked home from school in a group, and everyone saw the immense pile of boxes piled high near the complex on our way home. It was a mountain of boxes, enough to make The Biggest Fort of All Time. Within an hour, we had The Great Room, various wings that lead to smaller rooms; there were even enough boxes to create an outer wall, and we were certain that outer wall would protect us from any and all dirt clods — cause we knew it was only a matter of time before we came under attack.
Instead of dirt clods, it was The Hammer who came crashing in. He was a freshman in high school, but we all knew he was held back a grade or two. He made us nervous, cause the rumor was he belonged to The Burnham Boys, and no one messed with them. Ever. We’d never met a real Burnham Boy, but no one dared asked The Hammer if he belonged to that gang. And we didn’t ask him why he wanted us all in The Great Room, but when he told us to get in there, we did.
And he wasted no time: “You guys wanna watch me pop sperm?”
I had no idea what he was talking about, and I don’t think my friends did, either. But we all nodded yes. So he pulled out his dick, and suddenly I felt an overwhelming urge to cry. But no way am I gonna cry in front of my friends — and certainly not in front of The Hammer. So we all sat there, kinda dumbstruck. “Come on you guys, do it with me!”
I watched for a few minutes more before scrambling out. I ran home as hard as I could run, and as I looked over my shoulder, I saw I was the only one. I also saw The Hammer had a whole bunch of hair between his legs, and his wiener was gigantic. What was that all about?
So that night, sitting in the tub while Aqua Man floated by, I tried to pop sperm. And the only thing that happened was the worst headache I’d ever experienced. It was obvious to me then that Jesus was punishing me for that dirty behavior, so I stopped right away and told Him I was sorry. But it sure did feel good before my head started to hurt, so it was only a few weeks later before I attempted to pop sperm again, which I managed to accomplish that day. I walked around for weeks waiting for something bad to happen to me, cause I was certain Jesus knew what I was up to.
No one ever spoke a word about what went down in the fort, and not too long after all this went down, and I was popping sperm on a regular basis, I found a book in a dumpster. I was in the dumpster looking for beer cans, which was the first thing I ever collected, and I was obsessed beer cans. The book was a pulp novel called Come Swim in my Hole, and on the cover an older, bikini-clad lady sat by a pool watching a younger dude jump off the diving board. At least that’s how I remember it, and now that I collect pulp porno novels, I always look out for it. Cause it was my first masturbation fodder. Before Come Swim in my Hole, I have no idea what went through my head while I was poppin’ sperm, cause I don’t remember. It was just something that felt good.
Four years later, I’d see my first hardcore porno, which was projected up against a wall in my best friend’s older brother’s bedroom on a Super 8 projector. A woman named Seka fucked a dude named John C. Holmes, and his wiener was so big I thought it might be fake. We all laughed as the movie rolled. Since there was a crowd, I couldn’t pop sperm there, so I took the little poster that was folded up in the Swedish Erotica box the movie came in, slipped it into my pocket, and went to the bathroom to piss. Of course I had to announce I was simply going to piss, and no one cared or even looked up at me, cause they were all watching Seka get railed.
When I unfolded it, there were lots of pictures of women with sperm all over their faces, and they were smiling! I couldn’t believe a woman would ever let a man pop sperm on her face — let alone smile about it afterwards. I thought — Do women like that really exist?
Up to that point in my life, I hadn’t had sex yet, but an older girl named Diana I met at a Rodeo Parade would come over to my house “to do homework”, and she’d always wind up blowing me. And she’d always swallow. It never dawned on me to ask Diana if I could blast her face, and even after I saw Seka take that her facial, I’d never work up the courage to ask any of my girlfriends to do anything that naughty…until I was maybe 25 or 30. And never a girlfriend — always a random hook up.
Cause, up to that point in my life, that sort of shit didn’t happen in the real world — and certainly not in mine.