Monthly Archives: December 2009

Karl Rove Divorced — Again.

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Charles Bukowski poem The Genius of the Crowd
I’m on a roll lately.

Rant n’ Roll.

So today I wake up and take care of my addictions: first, caffeine & sugar, and then the news.

Karl Rove, Senior Advisor and Deputy Chief of Staff to former President GWBush II, has just sealed his second divorce. If you don’t know him, or kinda know him, let me enlighten you: Mr. Rove was Barn Boss over at the Office of Political Affairs, the Office of Public Liaison, and the White House Office of Strategic Initiatives during what could be called the most conservative administration in modern history; in addition, he was a former Republican political consultant and strategist, as well as part of a vast team that, to this day, is The Defender of Family Values and Everything Good & Right.

You gotta hand it to him on one thing, though…he got all the above without a college diploma. “I lack at this point one math class, which I can take by exam, and my foreign language requirement,” he once said. Sounds familiar, huh? It kinda makes sense, though, that someone like Bush Jr would hire a dude without an degree to head up a political team — even at the state level. Political Science degrees are kinda like History degrees are kinda like Justice Studies degrees…which is to say almost every one of my Flunky Jock Pals “earned” one.

Including me.

I hate the right wingers. It’s not cause they’d like to riddle my kind with a sub-machine gun, it’s cause my biggest revenue source wants me terminated. It’s cause they fight for family values after multiple divorces. It’s cause they hate fags but cruise the airport’s men’s room after a long flight. It’s cause they preach monogamy, but use your money to fly to exotic places to bang their mistresses. It’s cause they’re stupid enough to believe abstinence programs in high school work. They’re Name Callers and War Mongers and love to frighten everyone. They want to crucify drug addicts — right after they score. They criticize without following up with solutions. They’re the first to pass judgment and the first to cite Jesus.

And then there’s the Democrats.

Whew.

Let me catch my breath. In the meantime, check out my very favorite poet and one of my very favorite poems.

Every time I hear another Stupid Conservative Hypocrite suffering from Diarrhea of The Mouth, I think of this:

The Genius Of The Crowd
Charles Bukowski

there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art

My Very Favorite Things This Past Year.

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Violet Monroe P O V sex videos
As 2008 closed, my favs were Left of the Dial — Dispatches from the 80’s Underground; Little Steven’s Underground Garage; Andi Anderson’s butt hole; Muntadhar al Zaidi; Synecdoche, New York; Van Morrison’s Astral Weeks show at The Hollywood Bowl; The Democratic Party; Adrianna Nicole; Patton Oswalt and Friends at the Largo at The Coronet; and Cumbang.

As ’09 closes, I look back at another year that passed like a lightning bolt and look forward to 2010…which, to me, is The Future.

We’re living in The Future…or about to.

The world according to I am Legend is just two years away; Rollerball is eight years away, and Blade Runner is just one past that; Soylent Green is set in 2022; and the Terminators are set to walk to Earth in less than 20 years from now.

How about that?

Why am I even mentioning this?

Anyways, here’s some of my very favorite things of 2009:

Wilco at The Wiltern, June 22, 2009: Sure, I’m gay for Wilco — everyone knows that — so anything I say about the band, you’re gonna dismiss as “Billy’s just gay for Wilco”. I’ve been to a lot of shows in my day, and this band is at its peak as far as playing live is concerned. They do things at an instinctual level I’ve never really seen any other band do. Six dudes play as one. There’s not been many shows I’ve ever seen that compare to this one, either. And I don’t give a fuck what you think: Nels Cline is the greatest living American guitarist…and Tweedy’s a lyrical genius. Speaking of, let’s toss in Tweedy’s 12/27 solo show in Phoenix…since I just left it a hour or so ago. He even played an Uncle Tupelo song!

Black Mass: Apocalyptic Religion and the Death of Utopia by John Gray: If you think the Mayans have the End-of-the-World-2012 biz cornered, just know there’s been all sorts of whack jobs predicting our demise since Jesus walked the Earth. You already know every single one of them’s been wrong, too. Wildly wrong. This book isn’t really about that…just kinda. But be warned: when you sit down to read it, make sure it’s in a quiet place and you have your thinking cap securely fastened.

Violet Monroe: The thing I like most about Violet is she doesn’t look like a Porno Princess. She doesn’t act like one, either…most of the time, anyway. Besides, she turned me on to The Raveonettes.

Disc #4 from Big Star’s Keep An Eye on The Sky: Don’t get me wrong — the outtakes, demos, the weird and rare tracks that make up discs 1 – 3 are great, too…but it’s the fourth disc that seals this deal. In January of ’73 Archie Bell & The Drells played Lafayette’s Music Room in Memphis, TN. Opening for them that night was Big Star. No one gave a shit about Big Star (duh…no one really did for another twenty years), so it’s dead silent as they played; since this was a recorded with a mic from the audience and everyone was as lazy as a church mouse, the audio is great. It’s almost like no one was there to watch what has become (arguably) one of the most influential bands of all time play their opening set. In fact, no one was — they were all there to see Archie do “Tighten Up”, which means they missed Alex Chilton and his crew rip through “Back of a Car”, “The Ballad of El Goodo”, “Thirteen”, “O My Soul” and a whole bunch of other great songs.

Mister POV: It took that silly sonofabitch three years to give me enough content to launch his site, but now that it’s out there, I don’t think there’s a better POV site in the whole wide world. Sure, I’m biased…I own 1/2 of it. But still, between Bree Olson, Jackie Daniels, Natalie Norton, Abbey Brooks, Ginger Lee, Ashley Fires, and Barbie Cummings (among others) I don’t think anyone would argue this chubby mofo (and his pervy “pals”) are the luckiest guys in the world.

An Evening with R. Crumb: At the end of October at UCLA’s Royce Hall, a somewhat reclusive Crumb sat down with Françoise Mouly for about an hour and talked about his life (in general) and his Book of Genesis specifically. In the end, I couldn’t decide what I liked better: the whack jobs in the crowd or the whacky Crumb.

Up In The Air: I saw it right after Thanksgiving, and I still haven’t been able to shake it. While I’m talking movies, let’s toss in The Hangover and Inglourious Basterds.

The Raveonettes: Sune Rose Wagner and Sharin Foo kinda remind me of Jim and William Reid and The Jesus and Mary Chain…only I like the Raveonettes more. Way more. They’re Danes, too! How about that?! I mean would someone please name any band hailing from Denmark that’s worth a shit?! Uh huh…I knew you couldn’t. From their site: “Their music is characterized by close two-part vocal harmonies inspired by The Everly Brothers coupled with hard-edged electric guitar overlaid with liberal doses of noise”.

The most provocative sex studies of 2009.

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Interracial sex videos
Sally Law, Science of Sex columnist, reports the 9 most provocative sex studies of 2009; Billy Watson, hi-brow sleaze-bag pornographer, responds.

1. Sex smells: A man’s sweat smells different when he’s sexually aroused — and women can tell the difference between the smell of sexual sweat and the regular stuff, according to a study in The Journal of Neuroscience.

My ball sweat smells like a winning Lotto ticket after a good session; a stunt cock I used to hire for Blacks on Blondes smelled like Hamburger Helper…out of the 60 (or so) different flavors, I’d say it was closest to the Cheesy Jambalaya.

2. Pulling out works: Well, most of the time. In a paper published in the June issue of Conception magazine, researchers claimed that withdrawal was “almost as effective as the male condom” when it came to pregnancy prevention (a failure rate of 18 percent, vs. the 17 percent failure rate of condoms).

If you want to be even more sure about your pregnancy prevention, pull out early enough to have that special someone spin around, drop to her knees, and take it on the face.

3. Child’s play: An Iowa State University study found that 25 percent of children — ranging in ages from 11 to 16 — in low-income households reported having sex. The average age of first intercourse for that group was 12.77.

In a follow-up study conducted by yours truly, 82% of them ended up in Porn Valley soon after they turned 18.

4. Growing pains: According to a study from the University of Turin, penis extenders might work — a particular brand that used traction to gradually stretch the penis over time was found to increase flaccid members’ length by almost one inch.

WTF? What good is it making Mr. Softie bigger? And only by an inch? Does this mean I need to toss the rest of my Extenze?

5. The pursuit of pleasure: Men who are very sexually active in their 20s and 30s — especially those who masturbate frequently — are at higher risk for prostate cancer, said researchers at the University of Nottingham. But that risk decreases as a man ages, and once he’s in his 50s, even small levels of sexual activity can help protect him from the disease.

Considering 100% of dudes aged 20 – 30 beat off all the fucking time, this fact has to skew their qualitative research methods, rendering them almost useless. (You can always count on an educated pornographer for The Truth.)

6. Pill popping: In February, the Federal Drug Administration mandated that Bayer, the manufacturer of Yaz birth-control pills, fix their commercials that promoted Yaz as a weapon against acne and PMS and downplayed its potential health risks.

Huh?

7. This is a test: The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists released new guidelines for cervical-cancer screenings: Women should wait until age 21 to get their first Pap smear, and should be checked every three years (instead of annually) if they have a history of normal test results.

Halloween 1995 I dressed up as a gynecologist and offered free pap smears; 100% of the women at the parties I attended were not amused.

8. Not yet: According to research published in the Journal of Theoretical Biology, women who hold out on sex are acting on a biological impulse to find more suitable providers — and men are waiting to prove that they’re up to the challenge.

And almost all women today define “suitable providers” by both their income tax returns and credit score.

9) Role reversal: Men feel guiltier following sexual infidelity, while women feel worse after an emotional transgression—and both are incredibly self-involved. “If an individual assumes that everyone, regardless of their sex, is most concerned with the same form of infidelity that they themselves are most concerned about, this person would consequently make false inferences leading to feelings of guilt,” said researcher Maryanne Fisher, a professor at St. Mary’s University in Halifax, Canada.

If only Maryanne Fisher could take a few seconds to pull her head out of her academic ass while speaking, 85% of the people reading this might understand what the fuck she’s talking about.

Should condoms be required on porn sets?

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From the AP: LOS ANGELES – A Los Angeles judge has denied a request from an AIDS advocacy group calling for mandatory use of condoms on porn sets.

Judge David Yaffe on Tuesday rejected a petition from the AIDS Healthcare Foundation that contended county health officials hadn’t done enough to prevent sexually transmitted diseases in the porn industry, according to the Los Angeles Times.

The group sued the county in July after data showed there were more than 3,700 STD cases over the past five years reported by a clinic that serves porn actors.

In denying the foundation’s request, Yaffe said the county has broad discretion in how it oversees public health. The group plans to appeal the decision.
—————————-
As of this writing, 65% of the readers at MSNBC (where I found the article) who read this agreed with the judge; almost 30% wanna see a glove on that Johnson.

If you’re asking me, I think condoms are a great idea to ensure we’re all safe, healthy, and happy.

And If you’re asking me, Jackie Daniels is the hottest piece of ass to roll into Porn Valley since…since…since…

Just Do It.

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Did anyone catch the name of the Porno Princess Tiger allegedly banged?

Is it OK for me to rant? Cause at first I was gonna make this a lazy post and just post the picture. Then I realized I still haven’t heard who the Porno Princess was he banged…and then, even thought I wasn’t gonna do it, I wanted to write.

How the fuck does anyone expect a decent looking dude under the age of 50 with any sort of considerable net worth to stay monogamous?

How the fuck does anyone expect a dude under the age of 50 to stay monogamous?

Come on, bro. Just admit it. You’ve cheated. And you’ve done it as much as you thought you could get away with…and then some. Doesn’t matter if you’re married or single; doesn’t matter if you’ve got kids or not. You took silly risks and jeopardized your relationship just for the pussy.

I once asked Byron Long — who’s been in porno since ’92 — “who’s got the best pussy you’ve ever banged?”

All sorts of girls’ names were flashing through my head. His reply wasn’t, but after he answered, I thought to myself of course.

“The best pussy I ever fucked was the one I was just about to fuck for the first time.”

It’s not even limited to real-life experience. Look at my business. Why do you think I gotta churn out scene after scene after scene? Shit, when I beat to porn 99% of what I whacked to was over the second it made me cum. That’s why I never bought porn; I was a perpetual renter.

I blame God. He created part of the male brain to spread its seed at any costs…and up to about 1900 that made a lot of sense. Seriously, it’s in our DNA. Wired. Hard coded like a motherfucker. Now, combo that with our insecurity, our ego, and that feeling of conquest, and it’s over.

I ain’t even gonna blame women one bit — even though it’s easy to do. And trust me, it doesn’t take them long to be over the dick. Why do you think they’re bugging you to knock them up? I blame God.

Once upon a time I was a jock. Pretty good one, too. Paid for a lot of things. During Jockdom, I used to shoot testosterone right into my butt. Like a junkie. (Although junkies don’t shoot in their butts). This is when I was in my early 20′s. Like I didn’t have enough already. Anyways, I’d wake up at 3 am with a boner that hurt. No exaggeration. My dick was so hard I thought it was gonna explode. This was after I banged my chick and beat off a few times.

Hormones are powerful things.

I tried this defense when a buddy of mine got caught, and his wife was grilling me. She was in tears. “Billy! How could you not tell me? And how could he want to cheat on me?!”

“Um, listen Nancy. It’s like this. He doesn’t love that woman. Really, he doesn’t. His hormones took over. He couldn’t control himself.”

She screamed something hysterically like “YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!” and slammed the phone against the wall.

They can be a Super Bitch every month, throw tantrums, then drive their kids into a lake, but the hormone defense doesn’t work for us.

Which reminds me…have I ever told you how many of my “normal” friends call me up looking for a hook-up? Let’s take a second and define normal: they’re married, mostly with kids; they’ve got a good job; they love their wives; they love their kids more; they haven’t gotten a blow job since 2005.

It goes something like this: “Yo Billy! My man! How’s life? (Insert 10 minutes of banter (the weather, the state of our economy, and then our specific business)). Hey man, are those girls you film really crazy or what?”

“Yes. Some of them are.”

“Do they do stuff without a camera running?”

“Yes. Some do.”

“Does (insert their favorite Porno Princess here)”?

“I don’t know. I really never asked. But I can find out.”

They usually ask how much…and it just goes from there.

Did I ever tell you about my actor pal who became my “pal” for the same reason? He wanted to fuck Porno Princesses, and he actually got pissed that someone like him had to pay for their services. It makes me laugh every time I tell someone.

Even if their better half is putting out, dudes are still jonesing for something new. Even the few who don’t get any on the side. And that’s why porn is great. I’m saving marriages, one scene at a time. This is the one thing no one really wants to talk about.

You know I’m right, too. You’re just not sure who you want to admit it to.

So, grab a pen and a piece of paper, cause your very favorite pornographer is about to give you a lesson on Morality: next time you feel the urge, just join a porn site. If that doesn’t work, then do this: when you’re caught, tell the truth.

Ask to be forgiven.

And, in the middle of defending yourself, point your finger up to the sky.

The Dick Suckers on DVD

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Casey Chase Kacey Chase Kasey Chase blow job movie
In an age when it’s almost dumb to do so, I’ve decided to start putting out my content on DVD. It’s all about making money, and, in the long run, I felt that I was leaving some on the table.

I was afraid, though, that I was cheapening the site. I’m not sure how it’ll all end up, but I think I’ve made the right decision.

I went with VooDoo House cause I trust the dude who owns and operates it about as far as I can throw him, and, in the DVD distribution world, that’s saying a lot.
He’s a big, burly mofo, too, which means he’s not too easy to toss around. I think I could toss him ten or twelve feet though.

In other words, I trust him.

Here’s a direct link to purchase The Dick Suckers, Volume 1.

Here’s the trailer: let’s call it a free blow job movie so the search engine pervs can find it easier.

Let me brag here a second: Ryan Hunter, Abbey Brooks, Adrianna Deville, Anna Von Trap, Beau Marie, Charlotte Vale, Hayden Knight, Jasmine Jolie, Jayma Reid, Jenny Hendrix, cover girl Casey Chase, Kiara Diane, Miley Ann, Nicole Ray, Riley Ray, Taylor Thomas, Tia Ling, Daisy Layne, Aliana Love, and motherfuckin’ Jenni Lee.

How about them apples?

(Oh, here’s a nifty link to price shop it as well!)

Jessi Stone — Don’t Worry, She’s with The Band.

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They pulled into my studio around 9pm, beat and weary. I think one of them said, “L.A.’s our fiftieth stop.”

Fiftieth.

As in fiddy.

Just the thought of spending 50 days in a van with four other dudes for 23 hours a day — just so you can jump out and spend an hour on stage — made me feel gross.

They looked kinda gross, too.

But that’s the price to pay to be in a band.

I asked them, “you guys hate each other yet?” To my surprise, they all said no.

My little bro introduced me to The Lead Singer; he knew The Lead Singer from the indie music scene around my old Arizona neighborhood. We approached him a while back to write a song for No Way Am I Gay. Then he approached me to make their first music video.

“What show was best so far?” I asked The Singer.

“Brooklyn,” he said. “Cause I got drunk and laid.”

I asked, “Did you catch his name?”

We all laughed. And it might have been The Guitarist — or maybe The Drummer — who said, “tell him about The Blumkin.”

Maybe The Bass Player said it. I don’t recall. But The Singer told me he was pooping after a gig and there were people in the bathroom and The Guitarist blew him mid-turd as the crowd watched in disbelief.

I think that’s how the story went.

Of course I screamed, “No way!”

There were laughing hard. I said, “That’s a joke, right?’

I don’t think it was.

They were in LA for three or four days. “I hope you guys don’t mind sleeping on porno furniture. I mean my PA cleans it, and I generally don’t have the guys pop on the furniture. It’s always on the girls, and it’s always when they’re on their knees, over here,” and I pointed to the middle of the floor. “I guess what I’m trying to say is…if I were you, I wouldn’t sleep on the floor. There’s a whole lotta dried-up DNA on that floor.”

One of them said, “We don’t mind.”

For the next few days I went about my business — making smut.

The Band hung out and watched The Smut Show. That’s when I started thinking about how I could hire The Band, cause indie bands making the rounds are always hurting for money. They told me they played one night for $8 — after their bar tab was paid. Since there’s 4 of them and a tour manager, they pocketed a whopping $1.60 for the night.

Plus beer.

I had a way for them to pocket a little cash; they were down.

I booked Jessi Stone for Blacks on Blondes — a two-on-one. You know I’ve professed my love for Jessi Stone more than once.

While she sat in make-up I dreamnt up another cheezy porno scenario…one which would put The Band in a little more than beer money.

That’s when I do it, by the way. Dream up cheezy porno scenarios. How fucking funny is it that people write porno scripts and spend money and time and effort dreaming up shit people are going to ignore? Oh sure, there’s a few twisted fucks who will follow a porno story line…but come on.

Really?

I like to massage the Porno Princess’s shoulders when they’re in the make-up chair. It’s also when I spring my pervy, creepy, wholly inappropriate porno scenarios on them. “So here’s what I’m thinking,” I told Jessi. “You’re at a small party. It’s you and the band. Let’s have The Guitarist be your boyfriend. Act bored the whole time. And you’ve invited 2 of your new friends to join this small party — Hooks and Skeeter. You spring this on them right as the black guys walk in. Oh, and when they walk in, act like it’s Christmas Morning. After you introduce everyone, tell Hooks and Skeeter you’re bored, and this is a boring party, cause you’re with boring guys, and you want to take them a big party. Everyone stands up to go to this big party, but you tell the white boys they’re not invited to a big party…cause they’re small. Then, you go to the next room and fuck so the small party can hear what’s going on in the big party. At the end of your big party, come back to the small party and give your boyfriend a kiss for letting you go to the big party.”

And so it came to be.

Oh…and I’d like to add that the finale of Jessi’s Big Party was as big and messy as any party I’ve ever caught on camera. And while I’m talking about finales, Jessi is no longer in the Porno Game. Dr. Phil rescued her from our Evil World with a 4 year scholarship to college.

I’m fucking serious.