Fry’s Electronics rules — especially if you’re a dude and have compulsive spending habits and desire gadgets and other assorted bullshit you don’t really need, but think you do. Fry’s stores are enormous, too; in fact they’re so big I can’t think of a single retail store as big as a Fry’s. I think they’re bigger than Best Buy, and Michael’s, and Border’s, and all that other corporate swill Americans have come to know so well.
I like Fry’s way better than the rest, and I hate corporate swill. But Fry’s isn’t as slick as you’d know over-sized retail outlets to be. I can’t explain it any other way. You’d know what I’m talking about if you’ve been. Maybe another way to describe it is all the weird shit in there to buy (most of it near the check-out lanes) where Super Savvy Marketing Gurus have turned the a check-out lane into a compulsive buyer’s nightmare — or wet dream…depending on any number of factors.
If you don’t have a Fry’s Electronics in your city, I’d petition your local congressman immediately, or do whatever it is you need to do to score one.
I bring this all up cause I went today, and just like Costco, whenever you walk into Fry’s, you can’t walk out without spending stoopid amounts of money. Way more than you think you’re spending. Today was no exception: I recently talked myself into buying a Portable DVD player, and where else to buy one but Fry’s? If you’re getting a portable DVD player, better buck up and buy some DVD’s, too.
Fry’s has the greatest selection of DVD’s I’ve ever seen. It’s super cool, too, cause they carry adult titles! Best Buy and Circuit City and all the rest of them are big hairy pussies for not doing so, but Fry’s? What a choice selection o’ smut!
I haven’t paid for porn in God knows how long, but today I did. And I did cause of a lurid cover and a great title: Kung Fu Nurses A Go-Go. (Other titles I’ve scored in the past include just about all my Criterion Collection, a super duper weird Robert Rauschenberg arty-farty fag thing that’s completely and wholly unwatchable, and various collections of my latest new obsession: Dick Cavett.
Kung Fu Nurses A Go-Go in the same corporate-run store (and almost the same aisle!) as Dick Cavett: Rock Icons? See what I mean about Fry’s?
After watching the former, I’ve decided it’s time for me to step up to the plate and make a movie. With a script. And a plot. Oh, what pressure to place upon one’s self!
First and foremost will be the very most important factor to consider: To Stroke or Not?
See, if this is gonna be a stroke film, it can never be art, and I’m not even so sure I wanna be an artist or not. I think I just wanna make a movie. And I know how to make stroke scenes, cause that’s all I’ve been doing for the last 5 years of my life. So what not take five of them in a row and sprinkle in some hip dialog and a few sneaky, cheap, dirty special effects? Like some scratchy stuff over the movie, and make portions Black & White — like some dream sequences!
I wanna be Eon McKai!
I’m so excited right now I can barely contain myself! I want to call Gia Paloma and ask her all about the movies she made with Rob Black! I want to start scouting locations and casting talent! And writing some cheezy porno dialog! Something’s telling me combine a catchy title with some barely-legal whores who can make their pussies squirt, an anal creampie, some bukkake, and toss in an enema or two!!
No, I wanna be John Waters meets Eon McKai with a dash of…a dash of…a dash of Russ Meyer for good measure!
All I gotta find now is my Edith Massey.
I Shoot Porn: So why’d you get into porn, anyways?
Ricki White: I was having too much sex. Really. I was a virgin until I was 19, but through my teens I always knew I wanted lose it. So, when I finally lost it…I went crazy.
ISP: Where’d you lose it?
RW: In the back of a car. Terrible. I was drunk. It was a black guy. But I used to like Latin guys. Like, gangbanger guys.
ISP: What made you switch from angry Mexicans to Bleeecks?
RW: OK. When I was growing up, I wasn’t allowed to watch “bad movies”. My parents kept everything PG…literally. I grew up in a very non-racist home. When I got to 16, I saw “Remember The Titans”, and Denzel Washington was so manly I fell in love with him. Not cause he was black, either. About the same time I fell in love with Kobe Bryant. This was all before I started having sex. I’m into clubbing and the hip-hop culture, and I’ve got ass, so it all combined into a triple whammy.
ISP: What’s your craziest sexual escapade…off camera, please.
RW: There was a party house, and it was my ex’s birthday, and I’m bi, so I started to hook up with one of the girls there. I could tell this wasn’t a freaky group, but I managed to turn it into a threesome with my ex. It was kinda crazy. I guess it was crazy cause they were “normal”, and for a white girl with ass to come in and do a threesome was just plain crazy. Other than that, I had sex at California Adventure on the top of the ferris wheel.
ISP: Did he cum at the top of the wheel?
RW: Of course. Ew! Wait. I had sex in the steam sauna at 24 Hour Fitness. You couldn’t really see anything, cause it was 130 degrees in there. I did reverse cowgirl in case anyone came in. I could just jump off. I like having sex in public. I wanna have sex in a car again. I haven’t done that in a long time.
ISP: Will you give a hired Stunt Cock a Manojob in a car?
RW: Fuck yea! I really will, too.
ISP: Let’s talk about your titties.
RW: I got ‘em in December. It was a pivotal point in my life. I was perfectly OK with my old boobs. Let’s just say I was one of the girls who could use a boob job. They were mediocre. Not big. Not small. But I have an ass, and that saved me. It was some sort of womanly curve. Now I have the whole enchilada. That’s so retarded.
ISP: It’s retarded to get new boobs?
RW: No, cause of the enchilada part, silly.
ISP: What’s your damage? I mean you seem fairly normal for a Porn Whore.
RW: I had a great childhood. I really did. It was almost too good. My parents overly-protected me. I was home schooled for 13 years, and I grew up with my sisters. Great family life, but sucky social life. Me, as a person, without sex…you know what I mean? In a normal world, I can make it anywhere. When I got my first job, at an all-women’s gym…my parents did it to a “T”. They wouldn’t let men around me at all! I was boy crazy. I kissed my first boy in Sunday School was I was 4.
ISP: You always thought about guys, didn’t you?
RW: Oh yea. I always practiced kissing the back of my hand, so when it would happen I knew what I was doing. In my young mind, I never thought it would never actually happen. I was always around my family. Not in a weird, cult-like way. I was home schooled, I was always home at night, but I was always checking guys out. Making eye contact. Hoping they would hit on me. That sort of thing. First make-out session at 19. I should write a book.
ISP: You were Christian, right?
RW: Calvary Chapel. Every Sunday and Wednesday night. But I was never allowed to go to Youth Group. Not in a weird way, but I was very grown-up. I saw kids as being silly.
ISP: It’s really common. Most porn whores have had a bunch of hard-core religion jammed down their throat since Day 1. If it weren’t for Christians and those silly Mormons trying to scare you to death about sex, there’d be no Porn Industry. You just wanted to bust out, didn’t you?
RW: Right! But I love my parents to death.
ISP: What’s in your refrigerator right now?
RW: Fuck…what do we have? Water. I’m a water whore. Oh! Peanut butter and jelly. Salad.
ISP: Do you feel exploited fucking on camera for money?
RW: Everyone has a choice with what they do. With porn, I am in control. People never see the big picture, and porn is a legitimate business. We’re hired to do a job, and we do it, and it’s my choice to do that job as a human being. So no, I’m not exploited at all. I don’t owe anyone anything. Everyone has their own choice to do what they want. At the end of the day, I answer to me. That’s it.
ISP: What’s your favorite word?
RW: When I was little, I’d always say…fuck. I don’t even remember. I have…like…a disorder. If I think about one thing, I can’t think at all. I would make an idiot of myself on Jeopardy. I’m a good speller. I’m smart!
ISP: Spell receipt.
ISP: Spell Massachusetts.
RW: M-A-S-S-A-C-H-U-S-E-T-T-S. Right?
ISP: You are.
RW: I have a photographic mind. If I’ve seen it written out, I can remember it. I can spell it. It’s the only cool thing about me. Spelling and my boobs. Those are the only cool things about me.
ISP: You’re cooler than your ability to spell and your boobs.
RW: I’m an artist, too. I can draw portraits. I can play guitar and piano. And I’m really adventurous, too. I think I’m a good-balanced person.
ISP: Can you play skin flute?
RW: Skin flute? Are you kidding me? I’m a pro at that! I can even make it do tricks!
ISP: Tricks?! Like back flips or something?
RW: Um…sure. (Laughs). Like deep throating and then a jaw breaker? If so, then I’ll for sure make your dick do all sorts of tricks. Oh, hey, show everyone mySpace, ok? [it's since been deleted].
ISP: Done deal. Now let’s go make my Steamin’ Six Incher do a reverse one and 1/2 somersault with three 1/2 twists.
So the other day I’m walking Maggie in this trendy LA neighborhood called Larchmount when a super hot chick walks up next to me, arm-in-arm with her dude.
She’s brunette, kinda punk-rocky Goth Girl, and from what I can eavesdrop she’s telling her dude about something sexy concerning lesbians, which is all right up my alley.
Kinda one in the same. Kinda not.
Did I mention she’s brunette?
Or that I’m a sucker for brunettes…a real trick for them, especially if they’re less than five feet tall.
I bet her all-time favorite band is Joy Division.
I’d say she was closer to 5’4″, but that’s OK, cause she was a little punk rock and a little Gothy and totally brunette.
Here’s the best part of my story, and really the only redeeming part of this whole blog — she’s arm-in-arm with Seth from Superbad. It’s apparent from his wardrobe that he’s single-handedly trying to bring back the Porkpie hat, which only works in rare cases, one of them being if you’re Seth from Superbad.
He’s also sporting quite the beard, which, combined with his spiffy hat, is really cool, especially if you’re a Hasidic Jew strolling down Fairfax Avenue during Passover on your way to Canter’s for some yummy Matza Brei.
Fun fact #329: Pastrami killed more Jews than Hitler. That’s according to Mr. Doron Pepperscone, AKA The Minion, AKA the Greatest Male Performer in Porn that you’ve never seen (yet).
Anyways, we walked down the sidewalk together — me and Seth and his Punky Brunette Score — and my ears were burning for their conversation. But I couldn’t eavesdrop too much, cause Larchmont also happens to be Dog Heaven, and all the Yuppy Puppies piss on everything, and Maggie’s nose was in sensory overload, and she would stop every few feet to soak up with wonderful smells that are dog urine: piss soaked trees, dog urine on parking meters, and benches and telephone poles…all drenched in the wonderful yellow stuff.
I did catch them leaving. They walked up and jumped into his superbad black Cadillac car, and then Seth and Enid Juno zoomed off into the night.
And Maggie’s head high in the air — sniffing furiously — taking in all that Wonderfulness.
The number one e-mail I get from visitors of this blog goes something like I’m 22, I love to fuck chicks, and I want to be in porn. Please Billy hook me up! I know I can do it better than anyone else!!
To which I want to reply — no, you can’t.
You can’t fuck on film. You might be able to hold a small, hand-held camcorder and bang your bitch in the privacy of your own bedroom, but no, you can’t fuck on film.
You can’t fuck a brand new piece of ass for more that 2 minutes without popping, either. You might be able to bang your bitch in your room all night long without shooting a load, but no, you can’t bang Bree Olson or Eve Lawrence or Tiffany Taylor for more than 2 minutes without popping.
Really, you can’t.
You can’t fuck on a brightly-lit set with a bunch of strangers watching you while a director barks orders at you. You might be able to bang your bitch in front of your buddies in the midst of an all-night booze session, but no, you won’t be able to take direction and open up for a camera so all the porn fans will see your ween going into her poon.
And imagine what’s going to happen when you walk on set and the whore you’re getting paid to fuck is a bitch, and she has absolutely no interest in you whatsoever. Imagine if you aren’t attracted to her, either. Then the director, who’s an asshole, gives you shit for showing up a little (or a lot) late on set.
If you’re a girl, I really don’t want to read your e-mails looking for work anymore, either. First off, you need to drag your ass to Los Angeles, where it’s all going down, and of course you can’t, cause you don’t have a job, which is why you’re looking for work in the first place, and that means you don’t have the money for a plane ticket to LA, or a hotel room once you get here, or even the $120 it takes to get your AIM test.
Do you really want your mom and dad to know you’re a Porn Whore? What about your boyfriend? Your neighbors? Cause no matter how sneaky you think you are, you aren’t.
If you’re still determined to be The Next Jenna, wait til you get booked with Dirty Harry!
Is it obvious I’m having a bad day? And I’m not even talent! Remember, I’m The Nice Porno Director. What if I was an asshole and ranted and raved a whole lot?
Things would be even more difficult. Which is why I blog.
Our Porn Whore today didn’t like big dick. “Why did you take the job?” I asked her. Why the fuck are you even in porn, I wanted to ask her.
This is a rhetorical question, of course. She took the job for the money…whether or not she had any plans of doing her job well.
Porn Whore was a sneaky bitch, too…and I hate sneaky bitches. I hate girls who are sneaky bitches, and I hate boys who are sneaky bitches. Today’s sneaky bitch figured out that if she shifts the angle of her pelvis — even the slightest of shifts — male talent can’t pound her effectively.
You might not know this working with your 5 incher, but add about 5 more, start long stroking your girl, and see what happens when she shifts ever so slightly.
Ghost-Faced Wood-Yi Killah, Yo.
“Honey, if you don’t want them to pound you hard, instead of doing that funky-ass shit with your hips, how about tell them something like you’re used to small white dick and that they’ll have to take it easy with their big black ones? That will be their top-secret code word for taking it easy on your snatch.”
“I wasn’t doing anything funky!”
Uh huh, I told her, and kept the camera rolling.
And later she wants to know, “where’s the pop shot gonna be?”
“All over your face, hun.”
She looked up at the male talent and said, “Don’t get any in my —”
I stopped her before she could finish. “Nope. I mean they’ll try to miss your eyes, but we all know there’s no guarantees when it comes to blowin’ the load. Right?!”
I said right more like a declarative than an interrogative.
“I’m wearing my contacts!”
“Go take them out. We’ll wait.”
“But it hurts when I get cum in my eyes.”
“Maybe this biz isn’t for you. How long have you been doing it?”
I sighed, and she made no moves to go remove them, and that, of course, means she’s not wearing contacts. Sneaky bitch.
Which meant I had no problem giving my male talent The Secret Signal.
The Secret Signal means to blow directly into the face — all willy-nilly — and let the jizz land where ever it’s destined to land.
And once they found their wood, they did.
So please, everyone…stop e-mailing me asking for work. I have none for you. And before you get your panties all up in a bunch, ask yourself this: ever wonder why the same 7 dudes have been in porno since you starting watching it?
Ever wonder why the girl you blew your load to yesterday is no where to be found today?
Time for me to walk the dog…and take a few deep breaths along the way.
I Shoot Porn: Do you know Adrianna Nicole?
Adrianna DeVille: Um, I’ve heard of her.
ISP: How about Roxy DeVille?
AD: Yes, yes, yes, I know…ladies, please don’t hate me. It was my first agent who named me, and I won’t name names as to who he was. But he knew CC DeVille from Poison. The name I wanted was “Carmella”, and just Carmella, cause I love the Sopranos. My ex-agent had a Carmella, so I chose the name Adrianna from the same show. The whole thing was picking a last name, and that’s where my friend came in…CC DeVille had actually called my friend, so I went with Adrianna DeVille. I wish I could change my name, but now there’s a lot of Adrianna DeVille stuff out there, so I’m kinda stuck with it. Can you book me with both of them? They’re both talented and beautiful.
ISP: Come by my house tonight, cause I fuck them both off-camera on a regular basis. They’ll be around tonight, too, cause they know the best luvin’ to be found in LA is at my crib.
AD: Is that the truth?
ISP: No, it’s a total lie. But lying like that makes me feel good about myself. So how did you get into porn?
AD: Well, I was an accountant. I really have an actual bachelor’s degree! I was doing basic work. Light account and contract set-up. I loved what I was doing, and my husband and I are swingers, and we used to tape all our swinger escapades. Every time me and my hubby fucked, we’d watch the videos. One time we decided to watch “Secret Lives of Women” which was a documentary on the whole porn industry. I decided to post pictures on Sexy Jobs, and independent producers, and they were kinda sketchy, so I found an agent.
ISP: Where are you from, and how old are you?
AD: I’m from Yonkers, NY. I’m 29.
ISP: What was your childhood like?
AD: I come from a strict, old-school Italian family. I went to an all-girl Catholic school, so I guess that’s where my rebellious side came out.
ISP: Leave it to those crazy Catholics to rear a porn star. How about high school — the Time O’ Your Life, or Satan’s dungeon in Hell?
AD: Satan’s dungeon in Hell. Skirts had to be no more than 2″ above the knee, had to wear the sweater, and tights. No skin. No thigh-highs. No leaving campus for lunch. No smoking. The Dean was a dyke bitch that didn’t let any of the girls get away with anything. “You’re cordially invited to detention” was one of her favorite lines. No guys anywhere around campus, either.
ISP: Did she ever make a move on you?
AD: Nope. But the gym teacher definitely want to fuck me. She’d always talk about Madonna’s sex book, and asked me what I thought about Madonna’s looks, and I was 15 at the time. When I did aerobic exercises, like butt squeezes, she’d watch me closely and help me out with them.
ISP: What was your first shoot like?
AD: It was in Florida, for Icey Porn, and it was a MILF Next Door shoot. I was nervous though cause we were on a boat, and I can’t swim! I was really nervous that I would fall into the water and drown. I ended up shooting more for them.
ISP: Ever get pissed off on set for any reason?
AD: No! I’ve been very lucky! I’m sure it can happen, but so far I’ve had fun! As far as who I’ve worked with, it’s been very cool and good-natured.
ISP: What won’t you do on set?
AD: Double vag and double anal are out. No trannies. Everything else is a go! I really want to do black guys. My first might be this week!
ISP: Come work for Blacks On Blondes!
AD: Can you get me Sean Michaels?
ISP: I only book top-notch male talent.
AD: What about Shane Diesel?
ISP: Nope. He’s contracted.
AD: Jean Claude?
ISP: Yes mam. He’s a green light!
AD: Let’s do it soon!
ISP: What’s in your fridge right now at home?
AD: Vitamin water and Mountain Dew and Pepsi. I really don’t cook. My husband doesn’t want me to cook!
ISP: Is Hubby your biggest fan?
AD: He is!
ISP: When you guys are doing it, does he make you tell him about your scenes?
AD: (Smiles). How did you know?
ISP: I’m the same kind of sick pervert, and there’s something terribly wrong with me.
AD: When I’m not home he’ll pop in one of my movies and jerk to it.
ISP: Which is an obvious advantage of being married to a porn star!
AD: And he’s a freak, too.
ISP: What’s the freakiest thing you’ve ever done off-camera?
AD: I fuck in swing clubs. Manhattan. Underground. It’s called “Checkmates”. We went with a couple, and we chose a small room, so it would just be the four of us. We started fucking. I was 69ing with the girl, and before we knew it there was a whole audience. I love that kind of shit. It’s such a turn on.
ISP: You got a myspace?
AD: I sure do!
ISP: Can I bang you really quick?
AD: (laughs) Of course, baby! Can my husband watch, too? And please cum on my feet, cause I like to eat cum off my toes.
ISP: Is he gay?
AD: No Way!
ISP: Then bring it on.
I’ve shot porn for almost six years now, and if it’s done anything to fuck me up, it’s made me more tolerant to fetishes I thought were crazy, insane, fucked-up, and just plain wrong.
Not that I agree with what they’re doing, nor want to try it, nor even completely understand it…but my job has made me understand people more — and not to judge them on what pushes their buttons.
Men blowing men?
Fuck a tranny?
Whatever floats yer boat.
Eat black man’s jizz out of a white girl’s snatch?
Um…I dunno about that.
And I — for sure — dunno about “ball busting”: click on the box at your own risk and get ready to scream.
Just like I did.