Monthly Archives: April 2006

Spring Thomas and Mandingo

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Spring Thomas and Mandingo

The Producer thought it would never happen.

I made it happen.

Mandingo is somewhat urban legend, even in the porn biz. When he’s available to producers, he’s really picky about the work he’ll take. Most of the time he isn’t available to producers – cause he’s nearly always on some sort of contract – and that just adds to his almost mythical status.

Make no mistake about it, Mandingo has the biggest dick in porn. Hands down. Take it from me, who’s shot every black guy in the biz – save Lex Steele and Sean Michaels – and trust me, Lex comes close, and Sean doesn’t. In fact, Mandingo may have the biggest dick in the history of porn, which is something I’ve briefly mentioned here before. I think he’s bigger than Holmes, and Dick Rambone was this cat in the 80′s that had a huge one, but it didn’t work…and Mr Bigg’s doesn’t ever work…and there’s no white guys I know of that come close…now or then.

Yes, it’s bigger than Shane Diesel (but not by much). Yes, he’s bigger than Jack Napier (barely). And here’s a pic of Spring measuring a huge black dick (a little under 11 inches) so I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Dingo’s clocking in at almost 13 inches.

Imagine that. I don’t even care what business you’re in: having the biggest thing of anything in an industry that’s driven by size.

Imagine having a 13 inch ding dong.

Anyways, I have an agent friend who had Dingo’s number, but he told me Dingo wouldn’t be cheap…but that was OK by me. He shouldn’t be cheap. I placed the call, left a message on his voice mail, and waited a few weeks. I didn’t follow up a bunch of times…didn’t bug him. I just waited.

Out of the blue Mandingo called and asked what I wanted.

“I want to hire you for a website I shoot. It’s called Spring Thomas.”

He didn’t really say anything other than “I’ll get back to you.”

Which means he’s going to go home, type-in S-P-R-I-N-G-T-H-O-M-A-S to see if he wants to fuck her or not.

Do I need to tell you he called me back the next day? And within a week, I had Mandingo on my set. The Producer couldn’t believe it; in fact, I think he said something like Mandingo’s gonna flake – you watch and see. Then he tossed out some myth about Dingo…a few of which I don’t remember, except the best one ever: that his dick was so huge he had to have a blood transfusion right before he went to work. Oh, and that he couldn’t keep his dick hard for too long, or he’d pass out from lack of blood to his brain.

I’m not making any of this up. And none of it’s true.

I gotta admit I was intimidated by Dingo, but all in all, he turned out to be a cool cat. He’s quiet, doesn’t say much, and likes to smoke a cig and sip a Heineken before he walks on set. I got to work with him 4 times for Spring’s site:

Spring Thomas and Mandingo, scene 1: Spring’s looking for new guys, and Mandingo comes in for the interview. Spring and Dingo meet, and after some very serious interview questions, Spring asks if Mandingo is packing over 8 inches – her minimum for doing a guy. Sex follows.

Spring Thomas and Mandingo, scene 2: There wasn’t much of a cheezy porn scenario here, cause sometimes they’re funny and I like them, and most of the time they’re dumb and I hate them. I think she just introduces him. Sex follows.

Spring Thomas and Mandingo, scene 3: Kinda cute. Spring just turned 21. I have a present for her. Guess who? Sex follows.

Spring Thomas and Mandingo, scene 4: Spring invites Kelly Wells to her site to share Mandingo’s big fat love. There’s absolutely no sceanrio here; I just have the girls blowing his huge dick as I fade in. More sex follows.

Well, I booked Mandingo for some scenes at Blacks On Blondes, too, and I’ll talk more about that some other time. And I can’t book him now – haven’t been able to for quite some time. Hopefully I can soon, cause, I think, if Webster’s ever tried to define “interracial sex” or someone ever tried to explain the myth of big black dick, there would just be a picture of Mandingo there.

Spring Thomas and Mandingo

Spunkmouth Kate Lynn

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Kate Lynn

He came packing heat, and I don’t mean in his pants.

Wait, let me back up.

I booked Kate Lynn the second I saw her pics. She’s the quintessential girl next door, and she really hadn’t made any dirty movies up to that point, so I was all over her. The agent told me she’d only fuck her dude, which worked fine for me. I mean I really don’t give a shit who the male talent is, as long as they have a hard dick and two balls full of goo.

Here’s a little secret: sometimes we lie about who the male talent is. Yea, we lie. It dirtys-up the whore a little bit if they’re fucking a stanger instead of their dude, so we usually say the dude is a “member” or “someone we found” somewhere. Like I said, as long as the dude can keep it up and spray her down with jizz, it doesn’t matter to me.

They showed up on a Tuesday afternoon, which has no significance to the story; however, the dude, who was about 5’4″ and weighed maybe 140 pounds, was carrying a firearm that was bigger than his left leg – which is significant.

Guns freak me out. I hate them. Nothing good ever happens when there’s a gun involved, and I really wish our Founding Fathers had the foresight to make the Second Amendment read something like “you must pass a general IQ test that establishes a score of 100 or higher in order to carry a firearm” cause most of the people who like guns – and tote them around – have the IQ of a rat…but a very smart rat: one of those science rats that get through the maze with tasty treats.

I held my hand out to shake his and said, “Um, I’m Billy, and I gotta ask you to keep that firearm in your car.” Then, I told him my feelings about guns…except the IQ part.

He wasn’t down. He agreed to take the gun off his hip, and Kate Lynn could keep it in her purse, but due to “creepy producers” he would not leave the gun in his car.

I totally respected that, and I told him so, and the gun went into Kate Lynn’s purse, and eventually the purse went in the closet. Did I mention it was a really big gun? And it was loaded? And it barely fit in Kate Lynn’s purse?

Me and Kate Lynn and the Dude ended up hitting it off just fine. We had to run up to the local sex shop, cause Kate Lynn’s got some tats, and while I like tats, I kinda don’t like tats in my movies. So we got her a body stocking, and that worked fine. The amateur sex movies turned out off the hook. Dude did a great job pounding Kate Lynn, and I gotta tell ya…when it works, couple’s sex works really well. They know each other, and if you don’t over-direct them – and just let them do what they do in their bedroom – the scenes usually end up kicking ass. Dude’s dick stayed hard, and his balls were very full; Kate Lynn needed a shower after it was all said and done.

They signed their paperwork, we said our goodbyes, and we laughed about the gun thing. I never really spoke them that after that. Once or twice, maybe, to get them some work on some of my other sites. And about six months after that, I saw Kate Lynn’s pic on a local Jack Shack’s website.

I wonder if she’s packing heat in her purse over there.

Kate Lynn

Chili con Carne. With Beans.

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Miles

Makenzie stopped by the other day. I was feeling a bit tense, so she gave me a massage. It was a great massage. I even paid for a Happy Ending. Afterwards, I thought why should I pay anyone for sex? Well, not anyone, but certainly anyone in my business, cause I can generate upwards of 3,000 dollars of work for them in a single day, depending on what they’ll do. Shit, these silly whores should be offering me sex all the time. Gratis. They should be calling me just to say HI and see how I’m doing. They should be stopping by, out of the blue, just to see if there’s anything I need. With an iced venti something-or-other in their hand and a smile on their face. Or at 2 am, after they’ve been drinking, for a booty call. That’s right, all you porno bee-yatches: booty call my fat ass. Maybe then you’ll be able to pay your rent on time when the first rolls around.

OK…I take that all back. Sorry.

I was lurking around Hipinion the other day, cause it’s one of my favorite places to lurk, and I found something very cool. Then, I found out whoever’s posting these pics is either into porn, or loves it. Then, Sophia! (You know I shot her first gangbang?) Angela Stone! (with some dude I don’t know…man, did she give me a great Eat Some Ass scene.) James Deen! (boy, did he fuck the shit out of Riley Mason for me).

And then I found a pic of The Biggest Dork in the History of Porn!

My UPS package came today, and with the 4 discs inside, I think my Miles Davis fix is complete: Workin’, Steamin’, Relaxin’, and Cookin’. I dunno if you listen to jazz (probably not) but, along with Kind of Blue, I think these records make up Miles’s Top 5. (Kind of Blue might be my favorite thing ever made). I love these reissues cause they’re fairly inexpensive, and they’re all 180 gram bad boys – virgin vinyl!! – and I can’t wait to be done with this so I can get to my record player.

My dog Maggie stinks. Really bad. She’s a Golden, and it’s starting to warm up here, so she jumps in the pool, and after she’s dried off, it smells like she’s been rolling in poo. Maybe she has been.

My other dog, Dakota, is a bad boy.

I just got a new bed. It’s one of those Tempur-pedic knock-offs. I mean I coulda gone for the Tempur, but I really liked what I ended up with better. I’m still not sleeping through the night, but at least I’m not sore when I wake up.

Speaking of my fat ass, while I was cleaning up after my Happy Ending, Makenzie said I had “man boobs”. Fuck. Like I need her to tell me that. When I was her age, I had pecs. Now I have man boobs. I wanted to say something like “wait till you’re my age, silly girl.” But she’s a runner, and she eats really healthy, and she’s like 95 pounds, and when she’s 42 she’ll weigh maybe 98 pounds, so I really couldn’t say much. I wish she smoked, and did drugs, and drank a lot, like all the other porn girls do.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Batman. Then, the Incredible Hulk. Then (briefly) Spiderman (we had a Spidey club in 5th grade). Then Daredevil, cause to me, Daredevil made the most sense. I always thought Superman was gay, cause you had to be one stupid fuck not to see Clark Kent was Superman…but the Daredevil! Who can kick ass when they’re blind? The Daredevil. Then, in 7th and 8th grade, I wanted to be Tony Alva. We even built a half-pipe in my neighbor’s drive-way! In high school it was Al Fuerbach, then Brian Oldfield, then, about the time I graduated high school, I didn’t want to be anyone at all except me.

I’m OK being me. Man boobs and all.

Miles

Super fun e-mails.

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V

VM writes:

Hi Mr. Watson. My name is “VM”. I am 18 years of age, my birthday is September 18, 1987, and I live in Magnolia, New Jersey.

I have taken the liberty of attaching pictures of my birth certificate, a photo ID, and social security card so you know that I’m both legal and telling the truth. Along with those are some pictures of me, so that you know what your “working” with, with the body pictures are two face pictures, I just wanted you to know what I looked like up close. I am Black and East Indian, 5″8 3/4, 181-182 pounds, Brown skin, I have Dark brown eyes and hair, 9 1/2-10 in shoes, I wear a 12-14T in jeans, I wear a large-Xlarge in shirts, and I wear a size 38DD in bra, in panties I wear a 10, I think, and a large-Xlarge in thongs.

P.S.- Thank You for reviewing this E-mail. Sincerely, VM

Hi VM!

What a great way to start my day. I mean that. Anytime I get nekkid pictures of girls that I didn’t even have to ask for, well, it’s almost better than my daily Satrbucks fix, which lately has been a venti iced coffee, unsweetened (they pump a few squirts of yucky corn syrup into everything they make) with a couple Splendas and an inch of soy milk tossed in. Then, I usually get the reduced-fat marble cake, just cause I’m watching my weight, so anything tagged with a “reduced fat” line has to be good for you, right?

Anways, if you can get yourself out to Los Angeles, there might be some work for you. I really don’t have any work for you, cause I really don’t shoot any sites with black girls in it, but I know there’s some work out here for you. I’d try and drop a few pounds before you get here, and I’m saying this in a very nice way. Also, please don’t ever send your social security card to anyone you don’t know; in fact, I’d never show your social security card to anyone, ever…it’s a good way to have some scurvy bastard steal your identity. Boy, if you think life is hard to get through in general, wait till someone robs your ID.

So, if you’re really serious, and think you can get yourself out to LA, I can hook ya up with an agent. I think Brian Pumper is shooting a big-booty black girl line, too, and Pumper’s always an interesting and fun guy to be around.

I can tell you this for certain.

V

Spunkmouth Kimmy

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Kimmy

This is a true story, like all the stories I tell here.

Doctor Z, this cat I shot a few years back as male talent for some of the Spunkmouth scenes, called me one day. He was excited. Z said he was on a chatline, or maybe in an online chatroom, and he found this chick who called herself Kimmy, and Kimmy loved sex. She loved blowing and fucking and all that, and did I want to meet her and maybe hire her for a scene?

Well, I’ve heard this song and dance before, and the girls always turn out to be 300 pound circus freaks.

Not Kimmy.

I had to pick her up for her very first scene, cause she didn’t have a car, and she made sure to time my arrival after her mom left for work. She was still living at home, barely 19, and when I pulled up and saw her standing in the driveway, my jaw dropped.

We chatted it up on the way to set – which back then was a hotel room – and boy, she sure did talk. She had a lot to say about nothing, but that’s ok…I was thinking then she was probably nervous, and the banter just calmed her a bit. Her very first scene was a very amateur interracial sex scene, and I knew it would be worth its weight in gold. Turns out I was right. Man, she loved getting pounded in front of a camera. I was in awe, cause most girls put on this phony sort-of front, cause that’s the natural thing to do when you’re starting out, but Kimmy just lost her mind the minute Dr. E. starting licking her snatch. And when he jammed it home, she wailed so loud I was afraid the hotel security would toss us. And Kimmy made these fuck faces I’ve never seen before – or since – I’ve been making dirty movies. Those faces she makes are real, and that makes the scene even hotter.

A few month later Kimmy called me, and she was desperate for money. That’s usually the case, and I hooked her up for another scene, this time with Big Dick Nikel, who was still around. I decided to shoot an amateur creampie scene, and at first it wasn’t even really intended for Spunkmouth. We had shot her for the site, but I kinda wanted to help Kimmy out, so I shot the scene with the idea of selling it as content to some other site in the future. Turned out so good we decided to keep it, and it’s still one of the highest ranking Spunkmouth scenes.

When I started up Jizz On My Glasses not too long later, Kimmy was one of the first girls I called. She was totally down, and since I was still without studio, I decided to try something kinda risky. Well, really risky. In fact, downright stupid. We met at this medical office building cause it was right by both out places, and since it was a Sunday, the place was deserted.

“Wanna do this right here?” I asked.

“Why not?” Kimmy said. We went up to a top corner of the building, it was totally empty, and Kimmy ended up with a massive facial.

Then, just like they all do, Kimmy dropped off the face of the Earth. Cell phone disconnected – the works. Fast forward maybe a year or so, when Noah, our customer service rep, gets an e-mail from Kimmy. She wanted some work, and she lost my number, and bladda-bladda-blah, which means I’m broke and really desperate, so I hired her, or course, cause she’s one of my very favorites.

A few days later we reconnect, and it’s like we never really quit talking to one another, and the same old things in both our lives were still going on, and I found out all this on our way to one of the secret gloryholes I know near the airport. Kimmy, like most the girls I drag out to these places, was totally grossed out – as well as kinda turned on – and she did a great scene.

But she wasn’t done.

A week later I shot her for Blacks on Blondes with none other than BOZ The Animal. What a fucking scene. It’s one of my favorite scenes ever. I’m being serious. Kimmy had ever encountered anything like BOZ’s massive dong, and she took it the best she could. I mean it’s amazing to see how she reacts to 11 inches, and if you ever see this scene, you’ll walk away know that “size doesn’t matter” is just a myth…kinda like the same myth that all black guys are hung, or all black guys fuck like animals.

Boz does, however, fuck like an animal.

There’d be one more time with Kimmy, this time in another gloryhole, and if you click on her picture up top you’ll see the scene.

Oh, wait!

Two more times; she also worked for another site called The Dick Suckers; go ahead, click on her small pic below.

Anyways, that’s about it. We still talk; she comes over every once and a while for a popscicle. Kimmy won’t do any more dirty movies. Hasn’t for a long time…about the same time, I’d suspect, since she started dating her boyfriend. Which is totally cool.

But something tells me she’ll be back for more.

Kimmy

Super fun e-mails.

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The Cuckold

K Konar writes:

In response to the cuckold ad…

Im 27m from wisconsin, and if i can get to where your at (CA?) I am game for the following…..

I love the idea of eating a girl out after a guy cums in her pussy or ass…I also would love to kiss a girl with a mouth ful of cum, and i would lick it off her body…out of a glass or spoon even. I have a cum fetish i think, but i need to be dominated/controlled/humiliated to do this i think. Im probably bi-curious cause i also like to use toys to fuck my ass… I would love to have a girl pound my ass (and fuck me like a girl) with a strapon…

This is something i think would be great on film…. can you help me fufill this fantasy of mine and fuck me like a girl… and fill my mouth with hott cum too ;) Wanna see my pics?

Hey K!

You pathetic, worthless, piece of shit. You wanna eat Spring Thomas’s dirty pussy after some well-endowed negro fucks it loose?

Well my friend, you’re not alone. In fact, Spring got an e-mail recently of a $10,000 offer to do such a vile and disgusting act, although we’re not sure how real the offer was.

A few years ago, these types of cuckold e-mails kinda grossed me out; then, maybe a year later, made me giggle…now, I’m seriously thinking of starting this type of site. I mean I’m shocked at how many sissy boy faggots like you are out there. Which isn’t a put down. I hope it doesn’t sound like one. Anyway, if you get to Los Angeles, I have work for you.

Promise.

Your pal, Billy.

Happy Birthday, Sativa Rose! Eat Some Ass; Then, Wax A Carrot.

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Sativa's on Eat Some Ass

My partner J loves Sativa Rose. I love Sativa Rose. Everyone loves a hot, naughty Latina girl, right?

I don’t recall where I came across Sativa, but it was a dirty website somewhere, and I think what struck me most are her lips. They look like the kind of lips those ladies who get silicone injected into the lips what to achieve, but can’t; so, they end up looking like a goldfish. Since Sativa’s are real, she doesn’t look like a fish in a bowl, and I bet if it was medically possible, someone would offer Sativa a giant amount of money to buy her lips. Probably her tits, too.

Just look at them. Lips and boobies, I mean.

I booked the Sativa Rose Eat Some Ass scene as well as the Sativa Rose ManoJob scene on the same day, which happened to be her birthday, although she didn’t allow me to mention that while the camera rolled. I’m not sure why she didn’t let me say it, but I respected her decision, mainly cause that’s the kind of guy I am, and she was really adament. I asked more than once, and there was no second-thinking it for her – definately do not mention the birthday.

Oh well. I was just gonna add it to my dumb cheesy porno scenario, like…Happy Birthday Sativa! Here’s a bunghole for you to chow down! Goes nicely with cake! She probably knew what my dumb agenda was, hence her decision.

Did I mention how incredibly nice Sativa Rose is? Or how she’s one of the few girls that kinda intimidated me before the handjob scene? Kinda weird, huh? That she kinda intimidated me, I mean…weird in a funny sort of way. Anways, here’s some Sativa Rose handjob movies for your viewing pleasure. (Note how I worded that. “Sativa Rose handjob movies”. See, when some pervy creep types this phrase into Google, they’ll likely stumble upon my blog, and that’s how I get people to read this…and, hopefully, join some of the sites I pimp here).

Anyway, by the end of our time together, Sativa was kinda rushing me to wrap and get her paperwork to her, so she could get to her friends, and her birthday party. In Porno Land it’s a bad thing to rush the producer, unless it’s your birthday and you’re as sweet and kind as Sativa Rose; then, it’s perfectly fine.

Sativa Jerks One Out

Various Spring Thomas Blabber…

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Spring Thomas

It’s not too often Spring Thomas takes a bad picture.

Really, it’s not. I’ve shot her more than any model I’ve worked with – over three years now on a consistent basis – and in addition, I prep each and every one of her scenes for her site, so I get to go through all sorts of pics and videos, deleting the bad, keeping the good.

Every once in a while the strobes catch a model in between poses, moving to another position, and invariably catching a facial expression that couldn’t be duplicated even if you showed the model the pic and asked her to do it again. This is one of those pictures.

This one’s so bad it’s funny. Looking at it, she appears to be high, horribly depressed, retarded, or a combination of the three. Of course she’s none of the above, and that’s why it’s so funny.

I just hope she thinks it’s funny.

I have no idea where I’m going with this. Spring’s a tough subject for me to write about, so I think I’ll just show off some new movies on her site and talk about them.

Spring Thomas and Max Black: There’s a cat named Max Black, and he’s packing about 12 inches, and he’s a funny guy, and Spring likes working with him. I found a cuckold, and Spring taunted him a bit, like always, while Max pounded the living shit out of her. In fact, now that I’m looking at this, I remember them really fucking hard, and Spring said something, or did something, and Max went harder, which made Spring scratch him, and Max was like “gimme more bitch,” so Spring did. At the end of the scene, he was red, the scratches swollen, and it made for an excellent scene.

Spring Thomas and Wesley Pipes and Byron Long: I was poking around the archives, and I found a scene that was kinda old. Over a year old, maybe more. In fact, it was so old I forgot it even existed. Wes and Byron tag team Spring, and I think Wes drops a load on her asshole, and Byron creampies her. Pure filth.

Spring Thomas and Candy Rocks: Candy’s this new girl, and she wants her own site, so she approached The Producer, and he said she could have her own site IF she could hang in a ST scene. I got on my cell and got a gang of brothers to grope and fondle Candy while Pumper pounded Spring. I blogged this all before, but here’s the movies showing it all…finally.

Spring Thomas and Dick James: Dick’s a new cat in the game with a 10 inch dick and a cool porno name. Enough said.

Spring Thomas and 12 Gauge: 12 Gauge is a new cat in the game with a 9 inch dick and a ridiculous porno name. Enough said.

Spring Thomas and Boz and Kinzy Jo: Kinzy Jo’s this new whore in the game, and while she’s good to look at, she’s not too sure how to get fucked on camera, but that’s OK, cause one of the endearing qualities of a new whore is the fact they don’t know how to get fucked on film. It’s a special time in a porno girl’s career, cause once they learn how to fuck on film, they lose that quality forever. Oh, I guess Boz has a new site with Shane Diesel, and that’s cool, cause I really like them both, and I wish them the best with it…too bad I can’t hire them anmore.

And finally, a nice picture of the beautiful Miss Spring Thomas, in a lame attempt to make up for the first one. Oh, and if you’re thinking about it, you should really join her site. Like I said – if you’re thinking about it. I don’t think I’ve ever plugged a site like I am now, but there’s almost 30 pages of insane, crazy, perverted, interracial sex on it, and honestly, it amazes me. If someone woulda told me 3 years ago we’d get to this point with it, I’d have laughed. But we’re still having fun, and it’s still good, so we’re still at it.

For me, it’s one of the best jobs I’ve ever had.

Spring Thomas

My Night with Sophia.

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Sophia

That day I shot Brian Pumper. I forgot who he was fucking, but he showed up on set with Spliff Star, who’s part of Busta Rhymes’s crew, and of course I have no clue who Spliff Star is…but I know Busta. Well, I don’t know Busta personally, and, to tell you the truth, I can’t even name a Busta Rhymes song, so I guess I really don’t know anything at all about Busta. But Spliff was a really cool cat, and after we wrapped the scene, and I walked into the green room to tell Spliff bye, he handed me a very kind bud and said I’d really like it.

Now, I’m not in love with Mary Jane, but I do kinda like her from time to time – right before I go to bed. It helps me sleep, cause for the last few years I don’t think I’ve made it through a night.

Sophia called me not too long after, looking for a place to crash. I had just left the studio, where I usually stay, cause it was rented out to a company making a mainstream movie, and those fuckers were gonna be in there all night long, crashing and banging out sets, so I booked a hotel room in Studio City. Of course Sophia could crash, cause we’re old, old friends, and I love to help friends out, and it would be nice to have some company.

I stopped on the way to get a six pack of Fat Tire, my very favorite ale, and some chips and munchies and stuff. I had some porno editing to do, so I dragged my laptop and external harddrives along, too, and I was all set up and working by the time Sophia showed up.

“Hey, look at what Spliff Star gave me,” and I showed her the chillums.

No, wait.

Backtrack.

Carlton Banks gave me the moocah cause his puppy was on set when we were shooting a load dumper scene, and the puppy licked one of the load dumper’s legs, and it made the load dumper lose his hardon, and the load dumper couldn’t dump, so, like I said, Carlton gave me the boo; it was his way of apologizing.

Either way, I had some reefer, and some munchies, and South Park was coming on, and I was all done with my editing for ManoJob, and I kinda was looking forward to toking a bit and just relaxing.

That’s when Sophia came in. And the first thing she did was use the bathroom. And almost immediately, she used it again, and I asked her if she was OK, and she said she just needed to make a poopie.

Two times.

And what poopie it was! Poopie with a capital “P”. She apologized, and I opened the balcony window, and I laughed, cause I didn’t think Sophia ever made poopie, and certainly never a poopie like that, cause Sophia doesn’t eat. No eats means no poopies, right? And super-hot porn girls certainly aren’t capable of such pungent poopie, except maybe Spring Thomas, who, in addition to making very strong boom-booms, is a championship farter.

Then I told Sophia about the Carlton story – not the Spliff Star story – cause now I know for sure Carlton gave me the four twenty.

And what doradilla it was! But we didn’t know it until we smoked it, and we didn’t smoke it until we found something to smoke it with, cause I’m such an amateur at all this I might have some weed, but cetainly nothing to smoke it with.

“Is there a Bible in the room?” Sophia asked.

“Um, I’m sure there is. Are we going to pray we find something to smoke this with?”

Of course not. Sophia knew the last couple pages of a Bible have super-thin paper – rolling paper kind of thiness – and, as a matter of fact, this is common knowledge among most tea heads – which is not to say Sophia is a tea head. So we searched everywhere and found the Bible the Gideons leave in every hotel room. Sure enough, there it was, on the top drawer of the night stand, and sure enough, the last two pages were made of super thin paper, and I tore some out, then secretly prayed to Jesus that I wouldn’t burn in hell for what I was about to do, even though I’m not a Christian.

I went ahead and rolled a cripple.

We smoked the pin, and damn, we were baked, and we laughed really hard at South Park, and Sophia had Reese’s Pieces, and I ate all those, and then we crashed.

This is about the time I groped Sophia’s ba-gina, which was a really stupid thing to do, cause

1) Sohpia’s engaged

and

2) Sophia’s enaged to a friend of mine

and

3) awkwardly groping a porn star’s ba-gina like a 12 year old under any circumstance is a really dumb thing to do, even if it’s part of a cheesy porno scenario and we’re working.

That’s right… Ba-gina.

“Hey! Stop!! That’s not cool. Besides, I’m monogamous.”

This is about the time I’m feeling like a complete toolbox once again: first, of course, was the time I initally took the swipe at her; and now, all over again, writing about it. There’s gonna be a third time I feel like an idiot, too, and that’ll be the time I see Sophia’s dude, in person, knowing he’s read this…and I’ll aplogize to him at that time for groping her.

Or, I could do it now: sorry bro. I mean it. I was high and that’s that. It won’t happen again.

Anyway, I stared up at the ceiling. Sophia rolled over and crashed. And almost immediately, she started snoring. This wasn’t the kind of snoring you’d expect from a porno girl, let alone a super hot porno girl. The noises Sophia made were something akin to the aroma of her ass I enjoyed just a few hours earlier.

But I fell asleep, cause I was baked, and it was such good cannabis tea, I could even sleep through all the snoring – and the humilty – that night brought to me.

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