Could this be a true story, dressed up as fiction?
This blog’s original air date: February 19, 2006.
Once upon a time, there lived a man named Billy Watson. He lived in the land of Smallville, and he was pretty much your average guy, except for the way in which he earned his money. You see, Billy was in the adult entertainment business. Well, some called it that. Some also called it porn, or smut — or yet another reason why society is in the shitter.
Billy Watson was just on the cusp of middle age, and this made him kinda sad. He felt he was losing any sort of excitement about life, and that each day was just churning into the next. But excitement was just around the corner, and he didn’t even know it.
One morning, his phone rang. Very Early. Anyone Billy knew – and wanted to talk to – knew he doesn’t like getting up early in the morning to chat — about anything.
“This is Detective Dicksucker. From the Smallville Police Department. Are you Billy Watson?”
Poor Billy was still in Dreamy-Dream Land. He was having a great dream that morning…a dream about making love to a beautiful woman.
Billy’s a fan of beautiful women. He’s not a fan of cops.
Detective Dicksucker didn’t even give him a chance to reply. “Did you send an Overnight Package to Little Brother?”
Indeed, Billy had just sent Little Brother a package just the previous day.
Billy was still in wake-up mode, so he slowly asked again, “Who is this?” and after Detective Dicksucker repeated his name, Billy asked him to spell it.
The detective shouted, “I’m Dicksucker! It’s spelled like it sounds!”
Billy asked for a call back number, and Detective Dick Sucker barked the same question — Did you send an Overnight Package to Little Brother? — so Billy asked again for a call back number, and The Detective, in a very angry tone, gave a “cell number”.
Billy hung up right away.
Then Billy does what he does every morning when he first wakes up – he went pee pee. While he was whizzing away, he cleared his head, then left the bathroom to call Little Brother and find out which one of the dummies Little Brother worked with was playing the silly joke on both of them.
But when Billy called Little Brother, Little Bro was already on the phone…with Smallville’s finest. And Detective Dicksucker was grilling him, too; and just like Billy Watson, Little Bro wasn’t answering a thing. Our fine Detective had quite an attitude problem, and both Billy and Little Bro wondered is this how police are supposed to talk to people on the phone?
You know what else was weird? Detective Dicksucker also knew Little Bro’s home home address — even though it was nowhere on the Overnight Package — which triggered Billy to think maybe this isn’t a joke someone is playing on us…
Shall we flash forward to the white van pulling up in front of Little Brother’s office, in the very heart of Smallville? Or the 3 guys in black suits who got out, holding the Overnight Package?
Or shall we flash back to all the obscenity cases in Smallville that had to do with sending adult materials through various forms of delivery services, mostly the Postal Service?
Oh, flash backs and flash forwards! Such interesting devices used in fiction which can sometimes be very effective!
Wait. Our fable gets better. When Billy Watson makes dirty movies in La La Land, a place where it’s perfectly legal to make dirty movies, and the movies he makes there are perfectly legal, and when he gets a lot of dirty movies made, Billy sends an Overnight Package to Little Bro. Little Bro gives the package to a fine fellow named Creepy Q, and Mister Q processes the dirty movies and turns it all into little files that websites can use so all the pervy bastards in all the land can beat their meat like monkies at the zoo.
This, of course, makes the world a better place.
So now let’s flash forward to Billy’s now-fogless brain processing what Little Bro just said, then hanging up and logging on to Overnight Package’s website, and tracking the Overnight Package, and seeing that, indeed, it’s being held at the “Distribution Center”.
That means no one was playing a dirty trick on Billy Watson and Little Bro and Creepy Q.
And that’s when Billy Watson called The Producer.
And that’s when The Producer called The Lawyer.
And that’s when Detective Dicksucker called Billy Watson back, wanting to know why Billy hung up on him.
And that’s when Billy Watson’s make-up artist walked in to his studio in LaLa Land, with his female talent for this day’s dirty movie.
And that’s when Billy asked – again – for a name spelling on “Dicksucker” and a call back number, which he got.
Billy hung up. Poor Billy’s head was spinning, and he didn’t know what to do, so he walked the talent and make-up artist to the make-up room and pretended that everything was mighty fine in the land where they make dirty movies.
After a minute that seemed like an hour, Billy called The Producer back. The Producer still couldn’t locate The Lawyer.
Billy hung up and called Little Brother to verify if what was happening was indeed happening – which Little Brother verified.
Poor Billy. Poor Little Brother. Poor Creepy Q.
Billy walked around the studio in La La Land, freaking out. So he called Little Bro back and they made a plan…a plan which included how to handle things when the cops show. And sure enough, that’s when a white van without a license plate pulled up and three dudes in nice suits stepped out, and one of them was holding the Overnight Package.
Billy’s phone rang. He was still on the phone with Little Brother, going over what to do when someone’s arrested and placed in handcuffs and read their rights, and sure enough, it’s Detective Dicksucker! The Good Detective wants to know why Billy’s not returning his calls.
So what’s Billy do?
Put him on hold.
Little Brother wanted to know what was about to happen. See, Little Bro’s a good person. A very good person who’s never been in trouble once, except when he went pee-pee in public and got a ticket for doing so. Other than that, he’s never dealt with cops before. So this type of game isn’t one he knows too well.
Poor Billy doesn’t know it much better…it’s just that he’s had more time on this planet than Little Brother…so he knew a bit more. Just a bit, though. And Billy was almost afraid to verbalize what he’s about to say to Little Brother at this very moment in time: Bro…if they arrest you, just tell them your name and that you want to talk to your lawyer. That’s it. Don’t tell them a fucking thing. Not a thing. Don’t answer a question. Don’t get upset. And we’ll get The Lawyer over there and everything will be just fine.
Little Brother asked Billy Watson to stay on the phone with him; Billy agreed, of course.
In a last-ditch attempt to call The Lawyer, Billy picked up the studio phone in La La Land. Little Brother’s in one ear, the lawyer’s office is in the other. The office lady who worked for The Lawyer answered the phone and said, “He’s in court. I’m sorry.”
The Lawyer had an Assistant – and The Assistant was on another line. Which meant no one could talk to Billy Watson.
Billy said, “It’s 911 time, and I need to talk to The Assistant!”
So what does Office Lady do?
Put Billy on hold.
One very long minute later Office Lady came back, and Billy pleaded, “Can you please get up and walk into the office? Because we have A Situation here.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t leave my station.”
So what can Billy do but leave a message? Then Billy hung up with Office Lady and talked Little Brother through The Situation. Billy said to just walk out there and introduce yourself. Tell them that’s your package, and just be honest. That’s all we can do. “We’re not breaking the law, that’s for sure. I mean nothing we’re doing here is illegal…at least nothing to my knowledge. I’ll hang up and call Detective Dicksucker and talk to him as you walk out there. I’ll tell him the whole deal.”
So that’s what Billy did.
And that’s what Little Brother did.
Funny, but when Little Brother got to the other office, the package was already opened. Another employee opened the package because Detective Dicksucker said it was “OK for someone else besides Little Brother to open the package” — even though it was addressed to Little Brother.
That doesn’t sound right to me!
And Detective Dicksucker turned out to be part of Smallville’s “Homeland Security”, and the package turned out to be “one of 18,000″ randomly searched that day, and when Billy Watson wouldn’t play nice with Detective Dicksucker, and when Little Brother wouldn’t…well, that’s when “protocol” was initiated.
How does our fable end?
Turned out our Detective found the whole thing kinda funny. He apologized and said he didn’t want to spell his name cause, well, he deals with terrorists and drug dealers and he doesn’t like his name being spelled out over the phone. He also told Billy Watson people talk way too much over the phone, and that Billy did exactly what Detective Dicksucker would have done, too. He thanked Billy Watson over the phone, shook Little Brother’s hand, and wished them both good luck.
All three sharply dressed G-Men got into their white van and sped off down the street.